Chapter 20
SILAS
Cupcake stays glued to my side as Oakley gets dressed.
Neither of us says anything.
He’s a good man who tried to see the good in me. He didn’t believe me when I told him there was no good to find.
I mean, he almost had me convinced I was worth a damn—for a moment.
At the very least, sex with him has been so much better than I’d imagined. He’s given me everything I needed, and maybe that’s all I can ask for. I can take the memory of this intimacy—this acceptance, brutality, and sweetness—with me.
I can make the memory last for the rest of my life if I have to.
Oakley is silent, somehow smaller, as he leaves. I want to call him back. Tell him I didn’t mean it. But I love him too much.
More than I loved the fear in Ronan’s eyes, which is saying something.
I like scaring people. I liked that showing Ronan the black-eyed child all grown up terrified him. I loved that I could smell his fear. That acrid tang of adrenaline and sweat. The activation of my prey drive.
That’s as true as my feelings for Oakley.
In the end, I’m grateful Ronan didn’t run.
I would have controlled myself—I always control myself—but Oakley would have seen me. Seen that desire to chase. To maim.
To kill.
I take a shower, Cupcake right outside the stall. I scrub off the evidence of our time together, wincing at my still-stretched hole. Proof of how well he’s taken care of me.
This is what happens when you want things.
It makes me wish I were a psychopath. It would certainly hurt a lot less.
I wrap my towel around my waist and return to my room, Cupcake hot on my heels. I inhale deeply. It’s my favorite smell in the world, the heady combination of sex and fear and sadness.
“Cup, free.”
She gives me a long stare before wandering into the living room.
I strip the sheets, toss them in the washer, and turn on my ventilation system. I don’t have any windows, so this is as close as it gets to airing out my space. I light a few candles and bounce on my feet.
Stretch my neck.
Imagine the smell of blood.
Fuck. I really need to kill someone.
I find my phone halfway under my bed, and before I can think too hard about it, dial.
“Silas, my friend! How’s it going today?” Hopper asks, his gritty New York accent a balm to my ears.
“I need to kill someone. Right now.”
“Sweet. Got someone in mind?”
“There’s a list somewhere, right?”
“I’ve got at least three kills planned at all times,” he says conversationally. “I just need to find a babysitter for Bailey, and I’ll be right over.”
“Shit. I didn’t mean to ruin your plans.”
“You didn’t ruin any plans. In fact, I bet if I send out a group text to the Wildlings, someone will want to hang out with her.”
“True. And I happen to know Rami is in the building. He’ll jump at the chance to watch Miss Bailey.”
“Now that’s what I call one-stop shopping,” he cracks.
I can practically see him bouncing on his toes, excited.
I slide into the passenger seat and shut the door.
“Oh my God, that was so satisfying,” Hopper says, grinning broadly.
I send him a weak smile. “It definitely took the edge off.”
My heart still hurts though.
Hopper narrows his eyes. “Okay, spill. You’ve had this hangdog expression all afternoon. I even let you wrap that man’s guts around his own neck while he was still screaming. Do you know what a nightmare that is to clean up?”
I eyeball his ash rifle in the back.
“Whatever.” Hopper rolls his eyes. “Yeah, it’s easier now, but in the past, you should know it was a nightmare to clean up.”
“Thanks. It did help to make someone scream.” I lift a shoulder. “And it kinda verifies…everything.”
“Everything? Wow. Didn’t realize so much was riding on this one murder.”
I flip him the bird. “Shut up.”
“Fine. I’ll shut up. But you know I’m going to keep poking at you until you tell me what’s wrong.”
He pushes his finger into my shoulder. “Poke. Poke.”
I glare at him.
He raises his brows. Poke, he mouths.
Swear to God, I’m surrounded by crazy people.
Fine.
“You know I have feelings for Oakley, right?”
Feelings is such an insufficient word.
Hopper snorts. “I’m pretty sure the dead guy you just disemboweled knew that. It was probably his last thought.” He shrugs. “Other than the screaming, of course.”
Other people might find that kind of thing embarrassing, but I don’t care. I turn to Hopper, and he looks at me expectantly.
Might as well.
“Oakley and I have been sleeping with each other.”
Hopper’s eyes light up, and he bounces in his seat. “Oh my God! Congratulations!”
His happiness makes my chest hurt.
“Wait. Not congratulations?” Hopper shakes his head, confused. “I can’t imagine Oakley would be bad in bed.”
“He’s not.” I shudder at the thought. “Not that I’m ever gonna talk about what he’s like in bed.”
Fantastic. Generous. Amazing.
“Then, why no congratulations?”
“Because his dads busted in on us, and Ronan was…” I search for the words. “I always knew he didn’t like me, but I didn’t realize how much he hated me until this morning.”
“Why were they busting in on you?” Hopper asks, wrinkling his nose. “That’s just…weird.”
I laugh. “You know what? If you say something is weird, it’s probably pretty fucking weird.”
“Exactly. And why would they do that?”
“Short answer? They’re afraid I’m gonna kill Oakley.”
Hopper snorts derisively. “As if. You’re so in love with him that you would never kill him.” He pauses, tilting his head side to side. “Well…you probably can’t do primal play because of your prey drive, but…”
“I would never put Oakley in that position.”
“Exactly,” Hopper says, tossing his hands up. “So, why would they think you would kill him?”
I widen my eyes at him. Surely he can’t be this na?ve. He crosses his arms, waiting for my answer.
“I’m gonna need your words, nephew.”
“Oh, I dunno, Hop.” I roll my eyes. “Maybe it’s because I kill so many fucking people?”
“Well, yeah, but we’ve all killed a bunch of people. His dads have too.” Hopper taps the steering wheel, deep in thought. “Wait. Do they not trust his judgment?”
I think back to how helpless and hopeless Oakley looked.
“I don’t know. Oakley tried to defend me, but they weren’t hearing it.” I let out a shaky breath. “They’re too terrified of me to get to know me.”
Hopper widens his eyes again.
“What?”
He smacks me.
“Ouch! Why did you do that?”
I rub my shoulder. That shit hurt my feelings.
“They might not know you, but you do, you dumbass.”
“Don’t call me a dumbass.”
“Then stop acting like a dumbass.” Hopper blows out a frustrated breath. “If you could kill all day long every day, you would. You would endurance train for that shit. You would slice through people like that old-school Fruit Ninja game. Remember that?”
I grin. “Yeah, that’s a good time.”
The geeks in Wimberley’s tech department created a version of that game for me so I can slice through digital heads when I need to take the edge off.
“Exactly. And yet, do you kill innocent people? All day every day? Do you slake your never-ending bloodlust with the unsuspecting public?”
“Of course not. Edison taught me how to understand and control my impulses.”
“Sure. Excellent. But there’s the other side of that equation you keep forgetting.”
“What do you mean?”
Hopper gives me a warm smile, which he’s been doing more and more of since he and Liam adopted Bailey.
“Edison may have shown you the ropes, but you had to take it to heart for the lesson to stick.”
I scratch my brow, considering his words. “True.”
“Which is why you’re a dumbass.”
I growl low in my chest.
“Only a dumbass would ignore all the evidence that has been laid at your feet.”
I cross my arms and huff out a breath. “I might need to kill something again.”
Hopper grins. “As it happens, I do have a bonus asshole we can hit on the way back to the condo.”
Sweet.
“God, we’re so fucked in the head.” I laugh.
“True. But that doesn’t mean we’re horrible people.” He throws out an open gesture before adding, “Necessarily.”
I sit with my feelings for a moment. Hopper is definitely not horrible. He’s great. And if I think he can be great, then maybe I’m not as horrible as I try to make myself out to be.
Cupcake nudges me as I make my way into the condo.
That second kill really did make me feel better.
I take another shower and come back to find a message from Oakley.
I hem and haw for a moment, then pull up our thread.
Oakley: Did you tell Hedy about what happened today?
Me: No. Why? Did she call you?
Oakley: She wants us in Wimberley tomorrow. Our dads are going to be there.
Fuck.
Me: Did she sound mad?
Oakley: Not at us. She’s pretty steamed at my fathers though.
Me: They’re just afraid.
The three dots bounce and stop, then bounce again.
Oakley: I’m not. I never have been.
I rub my chest as I let his words land. Cupcake whines, nudging my ankle.
I sit on the couch, and she joins me, lying across my lap. That’s my signal to slow my heart rate and breathe.
“Good girl,” I whisper.
Before I can respond, my phone starts ringing. I recognize the number.
Me: Hedy’s calling. Guess that means I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.
Oakley: Good. Then maybe we can talk after.
I stare at the phone. Tomorrow, all of them in a room. Ronan’s face when he saw me. Oakley’s face when he left.
I send out a quick message before accepting the call.
Me: Okay.