Chapter 48
For the past three weeks, I’d had nothing but time on my hands.
Other than the five days I spent in a drunken stupor, I replayed every single detail that happened before and after the fight.
I dissected every thought and explored every what-if, driving myself crazy because none of it changed what happened.
I lost the fight to Jay.
Various emotions plagued me, but I never settled on one long enough to determine how to move forward. Mainly with my career, but more importantly with Sophie.
We hadn’t spoken since she went to stay with her father.
She called me numerous times, texted even more, but I never responded.
I feared if I did before I was in the right headspace, I’d say something I’d regret.
That didn’t mean that her absence didn’t leave an emptiness in my core, a gnawing ache that radiated through my entire body.
It was as if part of me was missing. I loved her more than I did before she left, and I didn’t know how that was even possible.
My head warred with my heart, and as confusing as my entire life had suddenly become, she was the one person who gave me sanctuary.
Initially, I blamed her for losing the fight.
If she’d only listened when I told her to stay put, I wouldn’t have been distracted.
But after my drunken haze subsided, I’d come to the realization that Sophie did nothing wrong.
It’d been my fault. First for pursuing her, then for giving in to the hope that perhaps I did deserve love.
But if not for the distraction of love, I’d still be the champion today.
An angry, lonely champion.
The thing was, I’d give up everything for her.
I’d told her that once, that I’d risk it all.
Hell, that was my way of telling her I loved her before I said the actual words.
It just took me some time to recall how my heart had become bigger because of her.
Stronger, even. But I remembered now, and I vowed never to forget again.
The only regret I held was that I wasted precious time wallowing in uncertainty.
I’d typed out countless texts to her, only to delete them.
I’d dialed her number almost every day but never connected the call.
But I didn’t need any more space from the woman I loved.
I’d swallow my pride and beg her to come back if that was what I had to do.
As for the rest of it, I’d figure it out later.
I contemplated calling or texting her to see if she would agree to meet up with me to talk, but I ran the risk she’d either not respond or tell me no. My best bet was to just show up. If she saw me in person, she might be less inclined to ignore me. The move was risky, but I prayed it paid off.
I grabbed my keys and rushed out of my apartment.
I’d just locked my door and headed toward the top of the stairs when Sophie appeared at the bottom.
Was I hallucinating? Was she really here?
Did she have the same inclination to see me, to hash things out?
Or did she want to end our relationship in person?
So many questions rattled my brain, but if we kept staring at each other in silence, none of them would be answered.
She didn’t notice me at first, which allowed me time to drink in the sight of her.
Dressed in pink yoga pants and a matching tee, she looked delectable.
Her hair was piled high on top of her head, and she didn’t wear a stitch of makeup, not that she wore much to begin with.
She was a natural beauty. A rare beauty.
When she reached the middle of the stairwell, she clutched her chest the moment she saw me.
I could’ve apologized for startling her, but I didn’t want to fracture the silence by speaking. Not yet.
My heart beat double time as she climbed the rest of the stairs, anticipation and anxiety dueling for the win. When she was five feet from me, her eyes collided with mine, and I couldn’t determine if she was happy to see me or just recovering from her surprise.
“Hi,” she finally said, her voice soft, reserved.
“Hi.”
“Trevor told me you’d be in the gym. I wasn’t expecting to see you.”
“Oh.” A cloak of disappointment wrapped itself around my heart and squeezed so tightly, I struggled to breathe. So, she didn’t come here to see me. This was by chance.
“I’m not sure why he would’ve told you that.”
Her shoulders lazily bounced as she fiddled with her keys. “I don’t know. Maybe he did it on purpose.”
“Maybe,” I responded, making a mental note to thank my friend for inadvertently setting up this accidental meeting.
I allowed the silence to simmer between us as I summoned the nerve to broach the conversation we needed to have. We both opened our mouths to speak, but she beat me to it.
“I see you’re not wearing the sling anymore.” She pointed toward my left arm. “How is your shoulder?”
“It’s getting better. I’ve been going to physical therapy a couple times a week. The doctor said there wasn’t any nerve damage but warned me if it happens again, I’d most likely end up with a permanent issue.”
“That’s good there was no damage, then.”
“Yeah.”
In all the time I’d known Sophie, we’d had varying encounters, but this right here, standing so close yet miles apart, was the worst one yet.
I knew where my head and heart were, but I couldn’t say the same for her.
Had the time apart allowed her to reevaluate what she wanted, not only from me but for her life in general?
She approached the door to her apartment and inserted the key.
“I left one of my chargers here. It’s for an old device, and I can’t find a replacement.
” We held each other’s gazes for a moment before she opened her door and stepped inside.
She didn’t close the door behind her, and I took that as a sign that I could enter.
Was I wrong? I supposed I’d find out shortly.
She disappeared into the bedroom, and I heard her rifling through her drawers until she finally emerged, holding the white charger in her hand.
“Found it.” Her eyes bounced around the entire room, everywhere but on me. “Well, I should be going.”
She took a step toward the front door, but I moved in front of it to block her escape. It was now or never. I needed to find out where we stood. I couldn’t let her walk out of here with all this uncertainty surrounding me. Surrounding us.
“I was on my way to see you, but now that you’re here, can we talk?”
“About what?”
“About us.”
“What about us?” she asked, her tone morphing from calm to irritated.
“Where do we stand?”
“I don’t know, Jackson. You tell me. You’re the one who’s been avoiding me.”
It might sound trivial, but if she’d said Jax instead of Jackson, I would’ve had more hope that our conversation would go well.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t avoiding you. I just had to figure some stuff out first. But now I’m ready.”
“Oh, now you’re ready. So, we’re going on your timeline, then? Fuck everybody else.”
This was not how I imagined our conversation going, but I couldn’t blame her for being upset. In fact, if she wasn’t angry, that would’ve been worse. It would’ve meant she no longer cared.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Yeah? That’s what it sounds like.”
“Can we start over?” I took a single step toward her, but she backed up. “Sophie, I’m sorry. Everything got so fucked up. I didn’t know how to deal with it.”
“But you do now?”
“Yes, I do.”
“And?” The slight tremble of her chin sliced right through me. “What does that mean?”
I risked another step, only this time she stayed put. “It means that I love you and I’m sorry I put you through all this. My head was fucked up, but I know what’s important now. You. I need you.”
“You need me? What about what I needed?” she shouted, smacking my chest with both hands.
“You tossed me aside without another thought as to how I felt. I was going through some shit, too, Jackson.” Her eyes filled with tears.
“I blamed myself repeatedly for you losing your fight. I thought I ruined your career.” I grabbed her hand, and she tried to pull away, but I wouldn’t let her.
“If it wasn’t for Trevor, I’d still be blaming myself completely. ”
For as much as I tried to remain calm, a prick of jealousy bubbled up. I released her hand. “What do you mean if it wasn’t for Trevor? Why are you talking to him so much?”
“I’m not. But I see him all the time.”
“What?” I asked, raising my voice, barely able to contain the anger raging through me. If that bastard went after Sophie, thinking she was fair game now, I’d kill him.
“Calm down. Or don’t. I don’t care. I can’t do this right now.” She attempted to walk around me, but I moved with her.
“Tell me why you’re talking to Trevor.”
Instead of yelling at me to get out of her way, or dismissing my short tirade altogether, she smiled. What she found so amusing I didn’t know.
“I have to tell you, I’m enjoying this. This is the least of what you deserve for ignoring me.”
“I deserve you fucking around with Trevor?” Every word sliced like a knife.
“No, you ass. Your jealousy. I’m not messing with Trevor. He’s dating Abby. He’s over at the house every other night.”
“Oh.”
“How could you think I’d mess with your friend?”
“Because I’m an idiot.”
“I’m not going to argue with you.”
For the first time, we both smiled, and I had hope that perhaps we could find a way back to each other.
“I miss you,” I said, stepping into her personal space. “I miss you so much, it hurts. Please forgive me.”
Her chest deflated on a long exhale as she angled her head and met my eyes.
“I missed you too,” she confessed. “More than I thought possible. I didn’t want to come across as desperate, but I asked Trevor how you were every other time he stopped by the house.” A short burst of laughter fell from her lips. “Poor guy probably thought I’d never stop asking.”
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into me. “I’m desperate. For you. For us to be what we were before everything went to shit.”
“We were a mess.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. Think about it,” she said, placing her hands on my chest, this time not in anger.
“I have, for the last several weeks.”
“At the very least, our relationship was anything but normal.”
“How about anything but boring?” I countered.
“That’s a fair assessment.”
The curve of her lips called to me, and before I could talk myself out of it, I kissed her. At first, she froze, just as surprised as I was even though I’d been the one to make the move. But then she softened against me, her mouth moving in tandem with mine.
She snaked her hands beneath my shirt. “Are you sure you won’t end up resenting me?” she mumbled against my mouth.
I pulled back in surprise, already missing the taste of her lips. “Why would I resent you?”
“Because of the fight.”
“Sophie, that wasn’t your fault.”
“I know, but I still feel guilty.”
She moved her hands to my back, the heat of her touch comforting. I never wanted her to carry any burden related to what occurred at the fight. Or anything that happened because of my loss.
“Please don’t. You did everything right. You tolerated me when anyone else would’ve walked away. You helped me more than you’ll know. And you loved me with a purity I didn’t deserve. Still don’t. And if you’ll give me another chance, I promise you won’t regret it.”
Her gaze simmered against mine, flickering with a shadow of mischievousness.
“Since I do still love you and you’re still illegally hot, I guess I’ll stick around.” She rolled her eyes in jest. “But on one condition.”
“Name it. Anything.”
“I’m starving. I haven’t had a good meal in weeks, and it’s about time you take me on a real date.”
“Deal. And I apologize for not taking you out on a proper date before now, but can we eat after?”
She cocked her head and frowned. “After what?”
“After we make up.”
“I thought we just did.”
“No, we need to make up properly,” I said, hoping she was on board.
“Ohhhh.” She stepped back and fell silent.
I thought she was going to say no, but then she peeled off her top and tossed it behind her as she sauntered toward the bedroom.
“First one naked gets multiple orgasms,” she shouted over her shoulder, and I nearly fell on my face trying to kick off my shoes.