8. Chapter 8 #2
I sit and cross my legs on the floor, brushing fallen bangs away from his face. “Hey…”
Mason instantly sits up, looking around until his eyes land on mine. “Jinx.”
“I’m okay,” I say before he asks.
He rubs his face and groans. “Christ, you scared the piss out of me.”
“I know. I scared the piss out of myself. God, I was far from prepared for that shitshow.”
He reaches for me, but snatches his hand back, resting it on his lap.
“You can touch me now.”
“I’m reluctant.”
My shoulders sag, and I nod. “I know, but you don’t have to be.”
Mason tentatively touches my face with just his fingertips. “You slept for so long.” He swallows so deeply I can see the movement in the darkness. “I… I wanted to fight my way in. I was torn between letting you have your space and risking your…”
I instantly know what he means, since I’ve been exposed to Julien’s suicidal ideations and traveling with him while he was on a suicide run.
“It hasn’t happened yet. I’m not there. Too stubborn, remember?
” I laugh self-deprecatingly, but I frown as that familiar anger starts to consume me.
I pull away, stand, and start pacing, arms swinging wildly.
“Why? It was a fucking shower, for fuck’s sake.
Oh, gee, let’s go ahead and go into full panic mode over fucking water. How insane is that?”
“Jinx…”
“All I wanted was to get some control back into my life. Find a fucking smidgen of happiness. But no!” I smack my head with my hands. “My brain had to give me a big ol’ fuck you! It’s fucking annoying, is what it is.”
“Jinx…”
“Why can’t I have a normal life? Why? Huh? Why is that so much to fucking ask?” I yank on my hair as the rage is fueled by years of built-up frustration. “I didn’t choose my fucking life, so why do I have to keep getting put through the damn wringer?”
“Jinx…”
“I’ve done everything possible to find happiness and be healthy. Doctors. Friends. A new family. I can’t find a girlfriend who can fucking stand me. Oh, but as soon as I find someone new, something different, my brain gives me the big middle fucking finger.”
“Jinx!” Mason yells and grabs my shoulders to keep me from pacing. “Jesus. Jinx, I’m not…”
“Don’t. Don’t tell me to go. But I won’t beg,” I say quickly.
“Not like the last time with Phillip. The last time I did that, I got… so fucking hurt. You won’t see me on my hands and knees, sobbing to stay as I did with him.
I won’t beg unless I’m going to be your sub and you order me to.
But I’m asking you not to turn me away. I think I need this more than I thought, but I also know that…
it’ll probably scare you a little. I’m fucking high maintenance, is what I am. ”
Mason presses a hand to my cheek, and I lean into the touch. “I’m a Dom, my pet. I’m not a doctor. If it’s going to keep triggering you…”
“And it might. I’ll call my therapist first thing on Monday.
” I remove his hand from my face and play with his fingers.
“Despite this morning, I had a lot of fun yesterday, more than I had in a long time. Dating girls had been just that. I tried to find someone to be with, but there’s just some goddamn disconnect I can’t figure out.
I think… right now, I need this connection with you without having to worry about all the other relationship stuff clogging up my annoying brain. Does that make any sense?”
Mason pulls my hand, which is holding his, and kisses the top of it. “It makes perfect sense.”
“Does that mean I can stay?”
He sighs and pulls me into a hug. I rest my head on his shoulder and play with his hair. “Your panic attack has really put things in perspective for me. I knew you had trauma, but this trigger shows how much. But I’m glad you’re getting help again.”
Mason says nothing else for a while, biding his time, figuring out what he needs to say.
I stay quiet to let him process. “Jinx, doing this is going to bring out some strong emotions, trauma or no trauma. Impact play and intense sex are fun and sexy, but they can really push emotional boundaries, especially with the aftercare. Letting go of your body and handing it over to someone else can be damn intense. You had a visceral reaction before we even started. We’ve barely begun. ”
I lift my head and hold his face. “To be fair, I rarely have panic attacks. I’m not sure why this one hit so hard. No, I know why it happened. It was the aftermath of that shower. Not the shower itself. When I was younger, they happened more often. Eventually, I just…” I shrug and look away.
“Hardened yourself?”
“Yeah.”
I drop my hands, and Mason tucks two fingers under my chin and makes me look at him. “Are you afraid of me? At all. Be honest.”
“No. You’ve shown nothing but concern and care for me. You’ve respected boundaries and consent. I’m not afraid of you. Not all men make me nervous. Some of my favorite people are men.” I look away and sigh. “I suppose I should tell them that more.”
Mason rubs my arms and shoulders. “Okay. We’ll do this, but we’ll take our time. Go easy from here on out. As long as you’re being honest with me.”
I look him dead in the eye. “I lie a lot, Mason. Lie to my family. Lie to myself. How do I find a connection with someone if I keep everyone at arm’s length? I want both. I see that now. But this is me. This is me being more honest than I’ve ever been.”
“Then we take it easy, Jinx. I mean it.”
“We’ll do what you’ve always done. I want it all.”
He nods and takes my hand. “First, we eat. Neither of us has eaten today. Then, I have to check on my horses.”
“You cook. I’ll check on the babies.”
“You sure?”
“Yep. It’ll clear my head.”
I do what I never do to anyone. Rarely, anyway. I pull Mason into a hug. Sure, he’s hugged me twice now, but I haven’t offered one in return besides my flirty, playful ones. It’s a genuine one. And he hugs me back. No, he squeezes the breath out of me.