Chapter Thirty-Two Charlotte
Chapter Thirty-Two
Charlotte
I don’t know where it is I’m going or even what it is I’m running from until I’m already there.
I just know I have to get away. I find myself alone on the ledge of the balcony of the palace Lucifer built for me in Hell overlooking a starlit city.
The one filled with the souls he feels don’t deserve to be here. It’s become a safe space for me.
I glance toward Heaven.
“I’m sorry,” I hear myself say again, just as I feel someone approach. I glance over my shoulder, expecting to find Azrael.
Lucifer drapes a black silk robe over my shoulders, covering my nude body. “I wish you’d stop saying that.” He leans onto the balcony beside me, his presence weighted with that unmistakable certainty that always steadies me. “You’ve nothing to apologize for.”
No matter what else might break, this moment, this connection is ours alone.
I nod, still shaking. “I let my anger out when I shouldn’t have. I was just . . . shocked, that’s all. Why didn’t you tell me that he—”
“Enjoys killing people?” Lucifer snorts. “Honestly, what did you expect, darling? It’s far from the worst thing Azrael’s ever done.” When I don’t respond, he sighs. “We all agreed to the scene, little dove, but I don’t ever want you to—”
“There’s so much history between you two.
” I turn away from him. “Knowing that is one thing, but seeing it firsthand is another. I’m not angry with either of you about it.
I’m just . . . angry with myself more than anything because I realize how incredibly selfish I’ve been.
For these last few weeks, all I’ve been thinking about is—”
“Your own desires, your own autonomy?” Lucifer shakes his head. “You are allowed to be angry. Allowed to feel. But you’re too busy saving everyone else that you sometimes forget you also need to save yourself.”
My chest loosens.
“But I shouldn’t have lashed out at you,” I say, turning toward him and leaning my head into his chest.
He strokes his hand over my hair reverently, using a bit of his shadows, which he can still wield here, to nudge me to him.
“I don’t ever want you to apologize for making yourself a priority.
Not to me. Not to Azrael, and certainly not to my Father.
Your human religion may have taught you otherwise, but your desires—your anger—they matter, darling, and I’m sorry if I pushed you and Azrael too far. ”
“It’s not you. You’ve never done anything to make me think differently. You were doing what a Dom is supposed to do. You’re the only reason I’d ever feel brave enough to think I might be . . .”
“Worthy?” he finishes for me. “Of love? Of praise? Of your own acceptance?”
I give a curt nod as he draws me closer, until I’m so surrounded by the familiar scent of him, of the smoke and whisky that clings to him, that it calms me.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” he says.
A soft smile pulls at my lips. “You know, I think that may be the first time you’ve ever said that to me.”
He nods thoughtfully. “It likely won’t be the last. I’m not the easiest chap to love, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
I snort. “You keep acting like you’re beyond saving, but you already proved that was a lie when you saved me.” I gaze up at him.
He’s so beautiful that sometimes I almost forget who he is.
“I never mean to hurt you.”
“I know you don’t, except when we’re in a scene.” I nudge my shoulder against him playfully. “You were trying to drive a wedge between Azrael and me.”
He smirks, glancing down slightly. Like it amuses him that I can read him so easily but he’s not ashamed of it. “Perhaps I miscalculated how much you feel for him. Though you’re just as responsible for this as I am, darling.”
“I know. I know,” I groan. “It’s just . . . it feels like with every new choice I make, a new problem arises. A new disappointment. Somebody who’s hurt or who—”
“If you attempt to live your life by never disappointing anyone, you’re going to be miserable.” He steps behind me, pulling me into him again. “On that path lies insanity.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” I whisper, leaning my back against him. “Until recently, you never had to please anyone but yourself.”
“Is that so?” He uses his hand to nudge my neck to the side before he kisses across my throat, the feel of his mouth on me sending shivers down my spine until I’m breathing heavy.
He is and always will be my greatest temptation.
He lays a kiss on my shoulder. “You forget there was a time when I lived in service to someone else’s vision.”
“Your Father’s?”
I feel him nod, and when I look up at him, he’s staring out over the starlit city. “I never wanted to disappoint Him. I just wanted Him to understand how my siblings and I might’ve . . .” His voice trails off, and I twist in his arms to face him.
He’s so much more open with me now than he used to be.
Especially in those early days.
He shakes his head. “Well, we both know how that turned out, at any rate.”
I nod thoughtfully, falling silent as I turn and look out over Hell’s landscape. It’s nothing like what anyone would expect it to be. But then neither is he. “Did Azrael really kill all those people?”
Lucifer chuckles. “Technically, he kills everyone, darling.”
I try not to smile at how he acts like that’s no big thing. Even without his powers, he’s more god than human, and I may be immortal now, but my heart will always belong with humanity, it seems.
And the devil.
“You said that’s not the worst thing he’s done. What did you—”
“That’s his story to tell.”
I nod, and we both fall quiet for a beat.
“Did you struggle when God cast you out? With your newfound freedom?”
He brushes some of my hair to the other side of my neck before he presses a kiss to my temple. “In a manner of speaking.”
I glance up, willing him to elaborate.
He sighs. “There was someone there to help me.”
“Azrael.”
He tilts his head in silent agreement.
“We have that in common then.” I look away momentarily.
I can’t blame Azrael for what he’s always been, for being Death, even if I failed to fully recognize what that meant until now.
“I think he’s good for us. He balances us.
He makes me feel like I can be brave. Like there’s a more level playing field between you and me. ”
Gently, I pull away from Lucifer, crossing my arms over my chest like I might finally be able to hold myself together without him strengthening me. “You both say you’re over one another, but it seems like there might still be—”
“There’s not,” he says quickly.
Too quick.
“Are you certain?” I look toward him, hoping he doesn’t see my uncertainty, the small hint of jealousy I feel even though I know it’s unfair. I can’t help it. “It’d be okay if there was.”
He swallows hard, his eyes flicking toward the shadows, almost like he’s wondering if the Angel of Death might be . . .
He shakes his head. “Before you, I’m not certain I was capable of love.”
I catch him off guard when I step forward and place a single finger over his lips before he can say anything more. “You promised to be honest with me.” My hand falls away. “Do you remember one of the first things you ever said to me? When we met in Gluttony’s club?”
Lucifer lifts a brow.
I smile. “‘True love is ferocious, vicious, destructive. True love is costly, and humanity knows little of it. It’s a price few are willing to pay.’” I pause, those words bringing up an unexpected well of emotion in me.
“Back then I thought you were talking about your Father, but you weren’t talking about Him only, were you? ”
Lucifer hesitates, clearly uncertain how to proceed.
He never intended for me to see right through him.
Past the villain everyone believes him to be.
“I see it,” I murmur. “The pain in your eyes when you look at him. It’s not just me, is it?”
He hesitates but says nothing.
I glance away from him then, hiding the bit of unwarranted hurt that makes me feel. “Why didn’t you tell me he kissed you?”
Lucifer sighs. “I didn’t think it was relevant.” His shadows reach out, and one of them strokes over my cheek. “My heart belongs only to you. Can you say the same?”
My face falls. “That’s not a fair question.”
“Isn’t it?” he challenges, the edge of his mouth quirking. “I won’t apologize for trying to make you mine again, darling, not to you. Not to Azrael. Not even to that goddamn absent bastard you still pray to whenever you think I’m not—”
“Where do you think He is?” I ask, changing the subject as I glance out over the starlit landscape. It’s been something I’ve been meaning to ask him for a while. “God, I mean. And do you think He’s listening?”
Lucifer tugs at his shirt collar, clearly uncomfortable with this line of questioning. But ever since he promised to be transparent with me, he’s honored his word, and I know, despite any challenge it might present him, he’d move Heaven and Earth for me.
He has every step of the way.
“I couldn’t possibly begin to know,” he answers.
“Well, if He is listening, I have a few choice words I’ve been wanting to say to Him.” I sigh. “But in the meantime, I need you to make another promise to me.”
Lucifer nods, placing his hands in his suit coat pockets. “Anything, little dove.”
“Promise me you’ll try to mend things with Azrael. Or at least, no more fighting over me.”
A slow grin pulls across his lips. “If I say yes, will it persuade you to wear my permanent collar again, to set the wedding date, move back into the penthouse?”
“It’s not a no.” I smile, teasing him. “But I can’t make any guarantees.”
I’ve learned my lesson about making deals with him.
Lucifer chuckles, like that’s exactly the response he expected of me. “I’m not certain that promise is mine alone to make.”
I meet his gaze, smiling. “Then promise me you’ll be the one to take the first step.”
“For you, always.” He takes my hand, pulling me closer. “For now, and the rest of eternity.”