Chapter 34 Time and Tragedy
Time and Tragedy
? You Should Be Here - Cole Swindell
Callie
It takes Copper nearly a month to fully recover, and Jaxon seems lighter than before, but I can tell there’s still something weighing on him.
As we lie on his couch with our bodies entwined, Jaxon runs his fingers through my hair. He’s been doing that a lot lately. The action, once a painful reminder of my past, now holds nothing but affection.
I tilt my head to look at his face. “You’re quiet tonight. Everything ok?”
“Ryan’s memorial is tomorrow.”
I press a chaste kiss to the closest bare skin I can reach, which happens to be right over his heart. “Do you want to go?”
He props his arm behind his head and stares up at the ceiling. “I think I do.”
“What’s stopping you?”
Jaxon’s confidence wanes, giving way to a vulnerability he rarely lets people see, if ever. “I haven’t seen his family since the funeral. I don’t know what to say, or how to act.”
“They invited you, Jax. They don’t want you to put on an act for them. They don’t need pretty words or apologies. They want to remember their son and brother with the people who loved him most. Go there armed with your best memories, and everything else will fall into place.”
His knuckles brush lightly over my temple. “What would I do without you?”
I prop my chin on my hands. “Spend way less money on pickles.”
“That’s a given.”
“Have less cat hair on your five hundred black shirts.”
“Of course.”
I sigh wistfully. “Live a solitary life, feeling like there’s always something missing, but never quite knowing what that something is. You’ll search for me in every crowd without realizing it.”
“Do I ever get to find you in this hypothetical scenario?”
I glare at him with mock indignation. “Shhh. I’m not done.”
“My bad. Continue.”
I clear my throat with a dramatic flair. “Then fate will intervene, and you’ll walk into the library during one of Janet’s midday naps. Since she can’t help you find what you need, you’ll use the only other option available to you.”
“You?” he asks.
“No, you big dummy. The online directory and those glaring signs they put up around the library.”
He rolls his lips together, trying to hold back a smile. “Right. Of course. How silly of me.”
“You’ll find the book you were looking for. Some high fantasy with dragons and distant realms. But they use big words in those books, and now you need a dictionary.”
He chuckles.
“You’ll find me in the reference section. We both reach for the same book. Our fingers brush ever so slightly, and our gazes lock. It feels like fate or destiny.”
“A love story brought to you by Merriam-Webster,” he deadpans.
I trace the lines of the butterfly tattoo on his chest, then walk my fingers higher to punctuate the last three words. “And they lived happily ever after.”
“You’re ridiculous,” he murmurs. “Come up here so I can kiss you.”
Jaxon
“Are you sure this looks ok?” I stare at my reflection and adjust the collar on my black button-down for the third time in as many minutes, then run my fingers through my hair for good measure.
Callie stands from the bed and wraps her arms around me from behind. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?”
I slide my hands over hers and hold her there, letting her comfort flow through me. “I have to do this on my own.”
Too soon, her hands drop away, giving me enough room to turn and pull her against my chest. “Thank you. I wouldn’t have the strength to do this if it weren’t for you.”
I can see the denial on the tip of her tongue, so I press my finger against her lips, then replace it with my mouth. She melts into me, and my chest aches with the weight of those three words I’m too scared to say aloud.
“I should go.”
She pops onto her toes and plants a chaste kiss on my cheek. “Text me if you need me.”
I pull up to Ryan’s family farm and park next to Ben’s truck—the one with the Catalano’s logo on the door. My grip tightens on the steering wheel. What am I doing here? I should’ve at least brought flowers or something.
I step out of my truck and scan my surroundings. Not much has changed in the last thirteen years. Phil’s broken-down tractor is still in the same spot as it’s always been, and I can just make out Ryan’s treehouse in the distance, where we’d hide away from his little sister, Catherine.
I slip my hands into my pockets and walk up the gravel drive toward the Morrison house for the first time in more than a decade. I can’t even recall the last time I was here. Those memories all blur together now.
“Didn’t think you’d actually show up.” Ben pushes away from the brick, his arms crossed over his chest. He’s dressed in his usual flannel and denim, like he just got off work.
“Yeah, well. Guess there’s a first time for everything.”
He jerks his head to the side gate. “Come on. Everyone’s already around back.”
The backyard is lit with paper lanterns and string lights as the sun dips below the distant horizon. Drinks are flowing, and I recognize many faces from a life I left behind.
Tripp is here with his wife and newborn baby, standing in a semi-circle chatting with Mo.
I lock eyes with my ex-girlfriend—the one who broke up with me the day of the accident because she was in love with my best friend.
Did she ever get the chance to tell him?
She gives me a stiff smile and turns back to the conversation.
There’s a large wooden table set up in the yard, with candles, flowers, and framed photos.
I’m featured in damn near every one from the age of five until the very end.
Copper and Maverick are there, too. My throat closes up as my eyes catch on the very same one I have on my shelf back home.
It was taken two days before the accident that stole Ryan’s life.
Someone taps their glass, drawing the attention of everyone gathered.
I follow their line of sight to the raised part of the deck where Ryan’s mom, Marie, is standing beside her husband, Phil, and Ryan’s baby sister, Catherine.
Only, she’s not a baby anymore. She’s a fully grown woman, and she’s staring daggers at Ben.
“What’s that all about?” I ask.
He shrugs, and his eyes dart to the side as he brings a beer to his lips.
“Thank you all so much for coming. It’s hard to believe we’ve been doing this for thirteen years.
It seems like just yesterday that we were gathering here to celebrate his first birthday and all the birthdays that came after.
Ryan was a wonderful son, a loving big brother, and an even more cherished friend.
” Marie’s eyes meet mine, and a line of tears forms along her lashes.
She dabs at them with a tissue before continuing.
“He’d be honored to know you’re here. To see the lives you’ve built for yourselves and everything you’ve accomplished in the time he’s been gone. ”
The sharp bite of shame settles in the pit of my stomach, and the rest of Marie’s speech fades into the background as I think back over everything I’ve done to avoid truly living.
I lost myself that day, and I didn’t even try to pick up the pieces—not until Callie came along and showed me how to be whole again.
A large hand clamps down on my shoulder, drawing me out of my swirling thoughts. “It’s good to see you, Jax.”
I swallow thickly as I come face to face with Ryan’s father. He looks the same as he always did, but the lines on his face have deepened, and his hair, once dark brown, is now completely grey. He’s become an old man in the time I’ve been away, reminding me just how much life I’ve missed out on.
Phil’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
Guilt lances me, and I press my thumb into my pulse point to soothe the ache.
His eyes dart to my hands and back, then he pulls me in for a tight hug, and the tears I’d been struggling to hold back since the second I arrived begin to fall in earnest.
He pats my back. “It’s about damn time, son.”
It takes me a second to catch my breath and return the embrace. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve been here.”
He pulls back, palming my shoulders. “You’re here now. That’s what matters.”
“Am I interrupting?”
Phil steps aside, making way for his wife. Marie wraps her arms around me. “I’m so happy you’re here.”
She takes a step back and glances at Phil. Something passes between them and he nods.
“Will you come with us for a moment?” she asks. “I have something for you.”
I follow them into the house. It smells exactly the same, somehow. In fact, not much of anything has changed. It’s like a time capsule. Maybe I’m not the only one who never moved on.
I sit on the same navy blue couch that’s been here for as long as I can remember.
Marie joins me and hands me a black box with a hinged lid. “Ryan would’ve wanted you to have this.”
I open it, and my heart stops beating.
“I can’t take this.” My voice is feeble as I stare down at the once broken watch, now fully repaired—ticking like time didn’t stop at 8:36 p.m. exactly thirteen years ago.
I try to give it back, but Marie’s hand closes around mine as she shuts the lid. “It was always meant to be yours. We were just waiting for you to be ready.”
As I trace the embroidery on the outside of the box, I notice a large flower arrangement on the coffee table with a card. I recognize the handwriting instantly.
“Every year.” The lines bracketing her eyes deepen as she offers me a soft smile. “Your mama never misses the anniversary.”
Thirteen bouquets for every year I couldn’t bring myself to show up. I was a coward, and I don’t deserve their forgiveness.
“It shouldn’t have taken me so long to visit,” I whisper.
Her time-worn hand touches mine, and that’s when I notice the tan line where her wedding ring used to be. “We all changed that day, Jaxon. Some of us just had a harder time dealing with it.”
They ask me about my life, my family, and everything in between. I tell them about Wilder and Olivia, about Emmy and Gracie, and all the rest. I give them an update on Copper and share photos of him working the ranch with Pops. I promise to send updates and keep in touch more often.
“What about you?” Marie asks. “Do you have someone special waiting for you back home?”
My thoughts stray to dark hair and mood ring eyes.
“You’re in love,” she murmurs.
“Yeah. I think I might be.”
All is quiet when I return home. The lights are off except for the one on the porch. I sit on the step and drape my elbows over my knees, letting the evening breeze ease some of the residual tension.
The memorial wasn’t at all what I expected. It wasn’t a somber affair focused on Ryan’s death and everything we lost. It was a celebration of his life, and the joy he brought to ours.
I glance up at the moonlit sky and count the stars, stalling while I work up the courage to do something I swore I’d never do.
“This feels so stupid.” I push up my sleeves and start again. “But on the off chance that you’re out there and you can hear me, I have to try.”
“I’ve thought back over all the years you’ve missed, and I can’t think of anything consequential that you’d give two shits about.
I’ve been stagnant. Matter of fact, you might as well have taken me with you that day.
Maybe subconsciously, I felt like I didn’t deserve to really live.
I convinced myself, by whatever fucked up logic, that if you weren’t going to experience life, I wouldn’t either. ”
I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. “Then I found Callie. God, Ryan, you’d love her. She’s the best part of my day, and I didn’t even see her coming. My life was in shambles when she found me—maybe it still is—but she makes the mess bearable.”
I run my hands down my face, and they come away wet. I didn’t even notice I was crying.
“I’m gonna ask her to marry me. I know what you’re thinking—she’s crazy to say yes.
You’re not wrong, but I have to try. I want you there, man.
I want you standing by my side when I vow to love, honor, and cherish her for the rest of my life.
Promise me you’ll be there, yeah? I’ll save you a seat.
And if you see Jess, tell her we love her, too. ”
The screen door opens and closes quietly. Callie sinks down beside me. “We have to stop meeting like this.”
I sniffle and force a tight-lipped smile. “Thought you were sleeping.”
“I was. Heard your truck.” She presses her palm to my cheek and glides her thumb under my eye. “What are you doing out here?”
“I was just talking to Ryan.”
She nods silently. “Do you want to talk or forget?”
I stand and offer her my hand. “How about a third option?”