Chapter 22
To no one’s surprise, Sebastian gives me a rose at the ceremony. I’m also not surprised that he got rid of Selena and Laurel. I’ll give him this: The man is good at weeding out the insincere women. Is it his experience dealing with other businesspeople that gives him such good discernment? Or does he just have excellent taste? I’m not complaining. It’s nice to have only my friends left. The tension has all but disappeared.
There are five of us left for the destination dates. Willow, Jalisa, Katie, Emma, and me. This part of the show will feel like the longest as we all wait to have our dates. We’re flown back to the mansion where we stay, bored out of our minds, while we’re whisked away one at a time to destinations unknown. I’m relieved when I’m not chosen to go first. After that moment on that balcony with Sebastian before the last rose ceremony, I need some time away from him. In just a few short minutes, he’d wrecked me. I’ve never been so affected by a man. He had me so worked up that I’m still feeling phantom touches of his fingers trailing softly over my skin days later.
Katie is the first to go on her date. After she leaves, the four of us remaining sit around speculating about where she went, what they’re doing, where we’re going to go, where we would like to go, and if Sebastian will make any moves on us now that we’ll be one-on-one with him.
I don’t chime into the conversation much. I can’t stop thinking about our time in Puerto Vallarta. About Sebastian rescuing me and our short-lived kiss, and talking about our future together as if he can truly picture it. Him crowding me on that balcony like he was losing a battle with his restraint and one breath away from ravishing me.
I’m unsettled. Very unsettled. And the thing is: I’m not sure if I’m more unsettled by Sebastian’s obvious interest in me or the fact that right now he’s on a romantic getaway with another woman. That bothers me. I’m not jealous, I don’t think, but I am uncomfortable, and I don’t want to look too closely at why I’m worried.
“You’re quiet this evening,” Emma says, startling me from my thoughts.
I look around the room, surprised to find it’s just the two of us. Emma smiles at my confusion. “Jalisa and Willow went to bed.”
“You’re not tired?”
She shakes her head. “I’m a night owl. Come on, you look tense. Let’s go soak in the hot tub for a while and see if you can relax enough to go to bed.”
I grin at her. “How have you not been snatched up by now?”
She sighs. “It’ll happen when it’s right.”
The hot tub sounds like just the thing to settle my nerves. I let Emma pull me to my feet and quickly put on a swimsuit. I meet Emma out back with a couple generous glasses of wine. She happily takes one and sets it on the edge of the pool deck. Trying our best to ignore the cameras, we slip into the hot, bubbly water, and I groan in pleasure. “I’m going to miss this hot tub,” I admit. “Maybe I should move to a building that has one. It’d be worth eating ramen and mac ‘n’ cheese for the rest of my life.”
Emma laughs and takes a sip of her wine. She closes her eyes and leans her head back. “I’m going to miss our late-night chill sessions more than anything.”
I smile at that. “It is nice, isn’t it?”
“If I lived in Los Angeles, I’d talk you into being my roommate.”
“Do you have a roommate back home?”
She shakes her head. “Just my cat. I lived with my best friend until she got married. I’m on my own now. It’s too quiet, but the thought of having to find a new roommate is basically my worst nightmare.”
“You could move to LA. Our hospitals need nurses too. I need a low-key friend, and I was serious about setting you up with Scott.”
Emma chuckles. “As fun as that sounds, Iowa is home, you know? I grew up there. My family is there.”
“And what are you going to do if Sebastian asks you to marry him? You’d have to move to LA then.”
My stomach feels funny saying the words, but I push away the feeling. Emma opens her eyes to give me a sideways look as if she knows what I’m trying to deny. “Then I’d make you be my new best friend,” she says. “But we both know it’s not me who will be getting a ring at the end of this.”
My stomach does absolutely not flutter.
“What would you do if it is you?” I ask curiously. “Would you say yes?”
She’s quiet for a long moment. “I don’t know,” she says quietly. “He’s a nice man. Respectful. Handsome. He doesn’t mind that I’m quiet. If he were really interested, I could do a lot worse, and let’s face it: I don’t exactly put myself out there.”
My heart hurts for the woman. I’ve never been shy. My love life is a disaster, but I’ve never been afraid to take a chance with dating. At least, not until now. I don’t know what it is about Sebastian that has me so scared. Is it really just that he’s ready to get married? I didn’t realize I was such a commitment-phobe.
We sit for a long moment. I take a sip of my wine and let the hot tub’s jets beat into my tense muscles. The heat feels amazing, and I finally start to relax for the first time since the last rose ceremony. That is, until Emma cautiously says, “You know it’s not me you should be asking that question to, right?”
I gulp.
“You should really think about it,” she says. “It’s most likely you’ll be the one getting a proposal. You can deny it all you’d like, but you should still be prepared for that outcome. Just in case.”
I know she’s right. As much as I’m in denial about my own feelings, after the last week, I can’t pretend Sebastian isn’t interested in me. I also know he really needs a wife. It doesn’t make sense to me, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s likely to propose at the end of this. I’ve never stopped to really consider the possibility I could get a proposal.
“Would it be so bad?” Emma asks quietly.
Would it be? My heart races at the thought, but I try to picture it. Sebastian is rough around the edges, but ultimately a good man. And he’s so good-looking. I close my eyes and can almost feel his hand on my back, pressing me against him. His fingers skimming my shoulders and collarbone. I shiver. I open my eyes to find Emma smirking at me. Reluctantly, I admit, “The physical attraction is there, but that’s all it is.”
Liar, a voice inside my head whispers, then throws the image of Sebastian and me bonding over tacos at me. I remember the way he held me on that beach, how kind he was and how safe he made me feel.
Emma studies me with a small smile, knowing I’m full of crap. “What’s really holding you up? Are you still mad that he’s forcing you to be here?”
I wish that were the case. It’d be a lot less complicated. “I’m over that.”
And, remarkably, that’s the truth. I’m not mad anymore. I’ve resigned myself to seeing this thing through to the end. I know Sebastian is technically responsible for me still being here, but he seems to be as much of a prisoner to this game as I am. When we’re not arguing, it feels like we’re in the trenches together.
“So what is it?” Emma asks again.
I start to deny it again, but stop myself. A moment of raw vulnerability sweeps over me, and the truth slips out. Truth I hadn’t even recognized until the words leave my lips. “I think I like him,” I murmur in a shaky voice. “Like, really like him.”
Emma cracks a grin. “And that’s a problem? He really likes you too.”
I groan. “You’re supposed to be my voice of reason.”
“The man’s a smoking hot billionaire. Do you need a voice of reason?”
I side-eye her until we both laugh. I know she’s teasing, but it’s hard not to let Sebastian’s looks or his money influence me. I don’t want that to be the reason I accept him. If I even can. “I didn’t come here looking for love. A relationship was the last thing on my mind.” I gulp some of my wine, letting the alcohol course through me, soothing my nerves. “The other day Sebastian was talking about his lifestyle, and how I would get used to it as if a marriage between us was already a done deal.”
This confession surprises her. “He talked about a relationship with you?”
I never thought I’d be able to love someone, but you’re changing me.
“Something like that,” I mutter.
Emma blinks at me, then a giddy smile breaks out on her face. “It must be serious, then, because he’s avoided that conversation like the plague with the rest of us. He seems to be in as much denial about the purpose of this game as you are.” She bites her lip, trying to contain her excitement. “Vivian, he must really want you.”
“That’s what scares me.” Panic creeps into my voice, and my heart starts pounding. I start to sweat, and I don’t think it’s from sitting in the hot tub. “We’ve hardly spent any time together, and he’s planning our future. Sure, it’s a little romantic, but it’s also terrifying. I’m only twenty-three. I’ve never even lived with a guy, much less been engaged to one. My track record with men is pathetic. I can’t trust myself to know the good ones from the rotten ones. I can’t imagine jumping into something so serious so quickly.”
I don’t realize my breathing has become shallow until Emma rests her hand on my arm. “It’ll be okay,” she says. I cling to the promise like it’s a lifeline. “Sebastian’s one of the good ones. I can tell. And yeah, it might be a little impulsive to get engaged so quickly, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Sometimes you just know.”
“But I don’t know.”
Her smile turns sly. “Are you sure about that?”
I don’t know what to say.
“Get out of your head. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Love is emotional, not logical.” She presses her index finger to her chest. “You’ll know here first.”
She sounds so sure of herself that it makes me curious. “Have you ever been in love?”
Her smile turns sad. “Yeah. It was unrequited, but it was definitely love.” Her eyes slip out of focus as she loses herself in a memory. “He was in my study group in nursing school.” She sighs. “We were good friends. He was one of the few men I could actually talk to. I was so gone for him. Of course, I could never tell him how I felt. Eventually, he met someone, and that was that. I’d missed my chance.” Her smile turns pained. “I still regret not speaking up. Always will.”
She blinks her way back to the here and now and finishes off her glass of wine before pinning me with a steady gaze. “I’m not saying marry the guy, but give yourself a chance to see where it could go. Don’t let an opportunity pass you by out of fear. You’ll regret it later. Trust me.”
She climbs to her feet and smiles down at me. “I’ve been cooking long enough. I’m going to bed now.”
I say good night, but there will be no sleeping for me anytime soon. Instead of heading to my own room, I wrap myself in a towel and lie down on a deck chair. Cool air prickles my wet skin, but it feels good. Refreshing. I stare up at the sky, wishing the lights of the city didn’t drown out the stars so much. I have a lot to think about. I’m insane for even considering it, but Emma’s words are playing on repeat in my mind. I have a lot of regrets where my love life is concerned. I don’t want any more.
* * *
Time moves at a crawl as one by one we all go on our destination dates. Jalisa goes on hers after Katie and shocks us all when she comes back and decides to go home without waiting for a rose ceremony. We only get a few minutes with her to say our good-byes, in which she simply says that there was no spark, and they were just wasting each other’s time. Emma is next, and it gets quiet at the mansion. We don’t talk about Sebastian. Willow and I do our yoga and our meditation, and we all swap stories about our lives. Katie’s more interesting than I originally gave her credit for, but I can’t really see her with Sebastian, and honestly, I don’t think she can either. Willow also doesn’t seem that invested, but she’s interested enough to be excited for her date. I wish her luck when she leaves, and for a few hours it’s just Katie and me waiting around until Emma returns.
Katie and I have just finished making our dinner when Emma comes through the front door. “Hello?”
“In here!” I call out.
José comes into the kitchen first, camera focused on Emma when she enters. I’m surprised by the wistful expression on her face. Seeing it does something to my gut. I push the unease away and force a smile at my friend. “How did it go?”
She crosses the room, practically floating, and sits down at the dining table with us. The queasy feeling hits me harder, and it must be obvious because the dreamy smile falls from Emma’s face, and she bites her lip. Her guilt hits me in the heart. Something happened between her and Sebastian. She was glowing when she walked in.
I feel sick, and if I’m honest, more than a little disappointed. I’m surprised how much this hurts. I haven’t had to deal with jealousy yet. Sebastian hasn’t shown any interest in anyone besides me until now. I’m not sure jealousy is the right feeling, though. Maybe I’m just sad. Or, like Emma said before she left, regretful.
I can’t blame Emma or Sebastian. I’ve fought Sebastian at every turn. I ran from him. I’m surprised it took him this long to give up on me.
I feel like crying, but I suck it up. Emma is my friend, and no matter how confused I am right now, she deserves to be happy. I’m glad that, out of everyone, it’s her.
“Hey,” I say, setting aside my turbulent feelings. “Don’t look so glum. Whatever happened, I’m happy for you, and I want to hear all about it.”
Emma hesitates, so I cover her hand with mine and drum up my most genuine smile. “I mean it. Give us all the details.”
She bites her lip again and looks away for a moment. “Okay,” she whispers. I wait her out until she braves eye contact again. Her cheeks turn pink, and hesitantly she says, “It was amazing.”
Another tug on my heart has me gulping, but I keep smiling. I’m happy for her. I am. I didn’t want Sebastian anyway. I’m not ready to get married.
“Where’d you guys go?” Katie asks. “What’d you do?”
Emma’s eyes brighten with pleasure. “We went to Hawaii.”
I’m not surprised. Katie had gone to Rio de Janeiro, and Jalisa had gone to Thailand. I don’t know where Willow went, but I assumed we’ll all be going to tropical climates. It seems to be a theme with this show. “How was it?”
Her excitement comes rushing back. “It was incredible. We saw volcanoes, went surfing, and took hula lessons. Then we had a couples massage on the beach at sunset. It was the most romantic thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
Her dreamy sigh has me swallowing hard. I don’t want to know, but I can’t help asking, “And how were things with Sebastian?”
I brace myself when she blushes again. I’m determined to be nothing but happy for her, no matter how much her words press down on my chest. She chews her lips again, and her guilty expression reappears. “They were good,” she admits. “Surprising.”
“Surprising how?” Katie asks, voice laced with impatience.
Emma tucks her hair behind her ear and looks at me for permission to keep going. I give her an encouraging smile. “Details.”
I must look convincing, because she relaxes, and then squeaks, “He kissed me.”
Katie’s eyes bulge. “Wow.” She casts a quick look my direction as if to gage my reaction.
I’m as shocked as she is. I hadn’t expected that. Sebastian doesn’t seem like the type of man to just kiss anyone. He’s been so closed off with everyone so far. I wonder what happened. What changed for him to take that step? I bury my jealousy and disappointment and throw my arms around my friend. “That’s great! I’m so happy for you!”
Emma laughs. “I’m just happy it’s over.”
I pull back, mouth agape. “Was it terrible or something?”
She giggles again. “No. I just meant I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I don’t have to tell people I’ve never been kissed. I can be done with that label.”
Katie and I both grin. “Well, that’s a relief,” I say, while Katie snickers and says, “It’s about time.”
“Exactly!”
Our eyes meet, and we burst out laughing. “Congratulations,” I say.
I get up and pull a wine glass from a cupboard, then pour Emma a glass of wine from the bottle Katie and I were using. Emma grins at me. “Thanks.”
“You’ve earned it,” I tease with a wink. I’m determined not to let this get to me. It was Emma’s first kiss. She needs an excited friend, not a jealous competitor. Her face flames bright red. “So, how’d it happen?”
I sit back down and tuck into my pasta. Emma takes a sip of her wine and settles back into her chair, ready to tell her story. “It was kind of awkward,” she admits with a self-deprecating laugh.
“First kisses always are,” I say.
“After dinner, which was this amazing luau, he walked me to my hotel room. I was about to unlock my door and go inside when he stopped me. He took my hand and told me he had a great time.” She snorts. “He sounded so surprised by that that I laughed and called him out on it.”
“Good for you,” Katie says.
I shake my head and chuckle. I can totally picture it.
“I got a very sheepish apology, and I thought that would be the end of it, but he wouldn’t let go of my hand. We did that awkward dance for a minute until this look came over him. It was like he just decided then and there that he was going to do it. It wasn’t desire, though, it was determination.”
Is it awful that I’m relieved? Emma deserved better than that, but I can’t find it in me to wish he’d been more into it.
“He actually asked me if I wanted him to kiss me.”
“He did?” I blink at her. She wasn’t lying about the awkwardness. The show is going to have a field day with that footage. Ratings will skyrocket. “What’d you say?”
She shrugs. “I said yes.”
Katie leans forward, as caught up in the story as me. “So you said yes, and he just kissed you?”
Emma absently runs her fingertip around the rim of her wineglass. “No. He asked me if I was sure. He asked me if I would regret it if we kissed and then nothing came from it. He didn’t want to ruin my first kiss for me.”
“Wow. Mr. Romantic.” Katie scoffs.
Again, I’m relieved. “It was nice of him to consider your feelings like that, even if it made things weird.”
“It actually made me feel better about it. I relaxed and told him the truth.”
“Which was?” Katie asks.
She sighs. “That I was tired of stressing about the who, where, and when. I told him I had a nice time too, and that I’d like him to kiss me, but only if he wanted to.” Her eyes bounce back and forth between Katie and me with a hint of vulnerability in them. “I didn’t want a pity kiss, you know?”
I scoop up a forkful of pasta and shake of my head. “I’m sure it wouldn’t have been that.”
She gives me a small smile. “It wasn’t, don’t worry. He said I was surprisingly easy to be with, and he wanted to kiss me to see if something sparked. I was curious about that myself, so we went for it.”
That uneasy feeling pools in my gut again. “And did it?” I ask, dreading the answer.
She thinks about it for a minute before nodding slowly. “I think so. The man is sexy as hell and a great kisser.”
I nod, because yeah, he is. Not that we really got to enjoy our kiss, but it had been hot for those three seconds it lasted. And the leading up to it was intense.
“It wasn’t a quick kiss,” Emma says, making me realize my mind had wandered. I focus on her again, wanting to be a good friend no matter how much my stomach is twisting with this conversation.
“It had some breathing room,” she says. “It was enough for me to really experience it. Not a make-out session, but I can definitely say I’ve been thoroughly kissed. I think he liked it too. He was slow to end it, anyway, and he smiled afterward when he wished me goodnight.”
My heart sinks, and it’s the overwhelming disappointment that makes me realize just how badly I don’t want to miss my shot. I like Sebastian. Really, really like him. I don’t want to steal him from Emma, but I can’t deny my jealousy. I don’t know what to do. If I can do anything at all. It might be too late for me.