Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
Hallie
A few days after Maya’s adoption hearing, I am spending some quality Saturday time in my favorite way. I’m at home on my couch under a blanket with my e-reader in hand. I have a Diet Pepsi and a bowl of Cheez-Its, the most perfect snack food ever invented, on the coffee table. My friends have long since unofficially dubbed my frequently required time home alone with my books as Couch Time.
This is the first time I have lived alone in my life, and I love it. I painted my living room dark blue and filled it with big comfortable couches and a deep seated dark green squashy reading chair. It’s the kind of chair you can sink into and curl up for an entire day, and it’s where Couch Time always takes place. I put sheer curtains around the windows and hung colorful art on the wall. It is a cozy, happy place that is as clean and organized as can be for someone who aspires to be The Home Edit but also gets tired putting clean clothes away so usually just piles sweatshirts on top of the dresser.
We have been working our asses off all week to get the office set up, and this is the first moment I have had to breathe since I hung my diploma on my office wall on Monday morning. We had to fight Julie for this time off. She wanted to work straight through the weekend to finalize the office set up and have everything situated before the files we requested from our old firms arrive for clients who were following us. And because in a week, we all leave for our two-week lake vacation and won’t be working while we’re there. Except, if I know Julie, she will absolutely be working while we’re there.
I laugh to myself, thinking of the epic blowout that Julie and Molly had over taking the weekend off. Molly flat out refused to come in. At one point she grabbed Julie’s laptop and threatened to delete all of Julie’s spreadsheets if she kept insisting. I think the phrases “you don’t own me” and “partner bitch from hell” were thrown around. Emma intervened with her typical well-reasoned arguments about burnout and the calmer lifestyle we were all looking for when we left big law like the de facto group therapist she is, and Julie finally relented. Emma is literally the only person who can get Julie to calm down, ever.
And thank god for it, because I don’t think I could have lasted in that office one more day without a break. I still haven’t recovered from the emotional turmoil of Maya’s adoption hearing. The calming effect of my revelation that I don’t want to do the thing that I have been doing for my entire career quickly gave way to panic. Because, holy fucking shit, I don’t want to do the thing anymore that I have been doing for my entire career.
For some lawyers, a change in their practice isn’t that big of a deal. People switch all the time, and it’s not like I have been practicing for decades. But for me, it is the equivalent of a bomb detonating in the middle of my life. First of all, because I’m not great with change. Much like I avoid conflict to keep the status quo, I also stay in situations far longer than I should, mainly because I find the unknown really fucking scary. I like my life to be orderly and predictable. I don’t like not knowing what is going to happen.
I mean, I dated my college boyfriend for literally years longer than I should have because I was afraid of the chaos of a breakup and what life would look like on the other side. Turns out what was on the other side was freedom and happiness, but who could have known?
Everyone. Literally everyone knew. And they told me. Often.
And more than the change factor, it is the fact that we are a year into planning and a week into executing our new firm. A private client firm where we will be practicing various types of private client law. Sure, we won’t actually open for business for a few more months, but the business cards and firm letterheads are being printed. I am a signatory on a bank account and client trust accounts. I have clients from my old firm following me to my new one and counting on me to actually be in practice when I promised them I would be. And I have my three best friends in the world forging on ahead, secure in the belief that I will be right by their side while we do the thing. So, how can I tell them that I don’t think I want to do the thing anymore? And how do I build a family law practice almost six years into a career doing something completely different? I could lose my best friends and my career in one fell swoop, and for what? Because I feel emotional when I get to finalize an adoption?
Okay, I know that it’s more than that. I know deep in my bones the second I let my mind focus on it that family law is where my heart is. But is that enough to upend my entire life and the lives of my friends?
I groan, burying my face in the blanket I have wrapped around my body. I am so sick of myself. I have been caught up in a cyclone of anxiety and self-pity for too fucking long. I can’t sort it all out in my head, and even the very best to-do or pro-con list in the world isn’t going to figure this out for me.
Without warning, my mind wanders to the day of Maya’s hearing when I broke down at Ben’s house, all because he made eggs and handled some of my morning logistics. I cringe thinking back on it. Ben has seen me sick, scared, hungover, and during my extremely unfortunate braces and bad skin phase. But this feels different. What kind of grown ass adult cries because someone makes them eggs and fills a water bottle? But then I remember how he didn’t seem put off by it in the least. He didn’t even ask me what was wrong; he seemed to already know and understand.
Lean on me. I see you, Hal , he said. And thinking about that almost makes me tear up again. I have never felt as secure and taken care of as I did in that moment.
I consider whether I could talk to him about all of this. I kind of alluded to it with him already, and I know he won’t tell Julie or anyone else if I don’t want him to. But still. The idea of letting this all out without having an idea of how to fix it myself makes me feel vaguely sick.
Maybe when we’re at the lake next week. Even though it scares me shitless, the idea of talking to Ben about my career crisis at the lake house makes it seem less daunting.
The Parkers’ lake house is my most sacred place. The place where I am happiest and feel the most like myself. Ben, Julie, and I grew up splashing in the lake, running wild through the backyard and the adjacent woods, and whispering secrets under the stars by the fire pit late at night. At the lake house, it feels like there is nothing and no one else in the world, and summer will last forever. It’s where I feel free. If there is anywhere I would feel comfortable giving my deepest secrets to Ben, it’s there. I just have to get through the next week first.
My phone beeps, and I jump on it, pathetically grateful for the interruption of my pity spiral.
Molly
It’s T-1 week until the gala and there is SHOPPING TO DO.
The gala is the annual fundraising gala for Kids Play—the foundation Jeremy started when he left the league after his injury. It started off as a way to raise money to provide hockey equipment for kids who wanted to play but couldn’t afford it. Jeremy was one of those kids when he was younger, and he feels strongly about cost not being a barrier to entry for the sport he loved so much.
Over the years since he left the NHL, the foundation has grown and transformed into a powerhouse that funds equipment for kids in all different sports. The foundation also sponsors scholarships for teams and leagues at all levels of sport, and the foundation board is a veritable who’s who of the professional sports world.
The annual gala is held in Pittsburgh every summer. It raises tens of millions of dollars for the foundation, and it is capital F Fancy. It’s the one night of the year when we go all out. New dresses are a must, and Molly is the best shopping wing-woman.
Julie
Yes, please. Everything in my closet is boring as shit.
Me
Samesies. I’m thinking I want a color this year.
Molly
GIRL YES.
Emma
I was thinking of wearing that black dress I wore to my firm’s Christmas party last year.
Molly
Em, I love you madly, but that dress makes you look like you’re going to a fancy funeral. Just, no.
Emma
But I hate shopping. Just find me something in my own closet. Or one of yours.
Molly
Your fabulous boobs that I wish were my own make it hard for you to fit into anything in my closet. But I thought you might say that, so for you, my most favorite women in all the land, I have arranged a treat.
Emma
Oh no.
Julie
I love you Mol, but I don’t love a surprise.
Me
Bring it sister.
Molly
Hallie is my favorite today. The rest of you can suck it up and be at Gallery at 3.
Gallery is a super fancy boutique in Shadyside owned by a friend Molly made in a design class she took one semester for fun a few years ago. I don’t know what Molly has planned, but whatever it is, it is going to be fancy, expensive, and fun. Exactly what I need. I get off the couch and go to my bedroom to shower and change before I meet the girls. Just as I’m stripping off my sweatshirt, my phone beeps again.
Ben
How’s it going Hallie girl? Haven’t talked to you since Maya’s hearing.
Me
All good. We fought your psychotic sister for the weekend off, so I’ve been in couch mode all day.
My psychotic sister, otherwise known as your best friend?
When she’s insisting we work all weekend, you can claim her.
So is she tied up in a closet or something? How did you convince her to let you take the weekend?
Molly threatened to destroy her spreadsheets and then Emma did her spooky Julie-whisperer thing and convinced her.
I really have no clue how she does that.
I don’t know either. She’s magic.
So what’s your book choice of the day? Are we in a sports mood? Or maybe a good old only one bed situation?
I’ve been feeling more road-trippy. A+ knowledge of romance tropes by the way.
Seriously, who knew that Ben knew so much about reading romance? Not I, that’s for sure.
Ben
I have to, to keep up with your breakneck reading speed. Anyway, there really is something to the happy ever after, you know?
Is Ben reading my books? My brain scrambles and my body flushes hot, thinking of him reading some of the scenes that currently live in my e-reader and rent free inside my head. It’s a weird fucking reaction, but I suddenly have an intense desire to know.
Me
I mean, I know, but how do you know? Are you reading my books Benji Boy?
Benji Boy? Where did that come from? That seems uncomfortably close to…flirting? Shit. Is he going to think I’m flirting with him?
Ben
I may have read one or two in my day. Had to see what all the fuss was about.
I knew he was reading my books! I grin at the thought.
Ben
So have you eaten all the Cheez-Its? If you run out, can I convince you to put your book down and do something? Jeremy’s at the bar tonight and I have the night off.
Me
I’ve been on the couch for hours and I have, sadly, eaten all the Cheez-Its. Will have to go shopping before tomorrow’s Couch Time. But it’s fine because I’m meeting the girls in a couple hours for some super-secret surprise shopping trip. Dresses for the gala.
Super-secret surprise?
Molly.
Say no more. Send dress pictures.
Huh? You want pictures of the dresses I try on?
I mean, yeah. Maybe you want a guy’s opinion.
Or not.
You don’t have to.
Kidding.
I was just kidding.
No dress pictures necessary.
Have fun with the girls.
Bye!
I stare at my phone, a laugh bubbling up in my chest. Is Ben high? He rarely ever even sends two texts in a row…but eight? And asking for dress pictures and then backtracking like a psycho? Weird. It makes me feel better about the whole Benji Boy thing. Clearly we are off our game today. Shrugging, I file it away to make fun of him for it the next time I see him and jump in the shower, resolving to find the weirdest dresses in the store to try on and send him pictures of.
An hour later, showered and dressed, I run downstairs to clean up my nest in the living room before I head out. As I’m folding all my blankets, the doorbell rings. When I open the door, there is a box on the stoop from a local grocery store filled with six boxes of Cheez-Its and a case of Diet Pepsi. An Instacart receipt sits on top with a message on it:
Now you won’t have to go shopping before tomorrow’s couch time.
Have fun with the girls.
Ben
Ben Parker is just too good for this world. With a grin at the thought of him ordering my favorite snacks to save me a trip to the grocery store, I put the box on my kitchen counter and go meet the girls to hunt for the perfect gala dress.