Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Ben
S end dress pictures ?
What the actual fuck was I thinking? Am I an idiot? It’s like I blacked out and my fingers just did their own thing for a minute there. I drop my head in my hands and groan. Nothing I can do about it now. I hope the snacks I sent to Hallie before she left distracted her enough not to think too deeply about why I was asking her for dressing room pictures like a pervert. Dressing room pictures.
Jesus fuck, Ben .
At least she has her Couch Time snacks for tomorrow so she doesn’t have to go to the grocery store late tonight or get mad at herself tomorrow morning that she forgot. I like being the one to do these little things for her.
I haven’t seen Hallie since Maya’s adoption hearing. It isn’t unusual to go so long without seeing each other, but since that morning at my loft, I have been worried about her. She didn’t open up much, but it was more than she had before. The way she broke down when I helped her with the logistics of her morning just killed me. If she would let me, I would take care of all her logistics. I would take care of her . She hardly ever lets anyone take care of her. She doesn’t seem to know how. But she let me. I am trying not to read anything into it, but I’m obviously failing, and clearly, my brain is melting. See: dressing room pictures. I cringe. I’ll be cringing about that for a while.
Since Hallie is busy, I move on to my second choice, although he would kick my ass for referring to him as that. Jeremy is working the bar tonight, but he doesn’t have to be there for a few hours. I figure it’s time we have the talk about Stonegate that we promised to have this weekend. I still can’t bring myself to make a decision about it, but not talking about it is making me antsy, so here we are.
Me
Wings and the baseball game?
Jeremy
Fuck yes. 30 minutes.
We don’t have to specify where. Wings and baseball always mean The Dugout, a sports bar we have been going to since college. We grab our usual table along the back wall with the best view of the TV and place our order for beers and wings with the server.
“So, should we talk about it?” The thing about having friends who are as close as Jeremy and I are is that you can hide nothing from them. Jeremy knew what this little get together was about the second I texted him.
“Yeah, I think it’s time.”
“So, what are you thinking?”
“Honestly, I’m still not sure.”
“That’s unusual for you. You’re usually pretty decisive when it comes to the business. What makes this different?”
He’s right. I am decisive about the business. From the location of the bar, to the type of alcohol we stock, to the staff we hire and the color of the stain on the hardwood floor, I make decisions easily and rarely waiver. But something about this one is throwing me, and I can’t figure out why.
“I really don’t know, Jer. I’ve been turning it over and over in my head, and I keep going back and forth. It would explode our business, which I guess is good. But it would also turn Fireside into a zoo when all we ever wanted was a neighborhood bar. Being in stadiums and arenas would be cool, but it would also require a lot of travel and time away. I can’t settle on an easy yes or no with this, and it’s making me feel crazy. You seem so calm about it all.”
“It’s different for you, I think. I have my work with the foundation, which I love, and I have the bar with you, which I also love. Yes, taking this deal would change the feel of our location here, but that’s okay with me. Even though we all forget sometimes, Pittsburgh isn’t where I grew up. I love it here, and I never want to leave, but I grew up somewhere else. Pittsburgh is my home, but it’s not in my blood the way it is yours.”
He is right about that. I am a Pittsburgh boy through and through, raised at the corner of Forbes and Murray and bleeding black and gold. “So, you want to do it?”
“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I would be fine if we did, but also fine if we didn’t. I don’t have strong feelings either way, but I get the sense that you have strong feelings all the ways.”
“You’re right about that,” I mutter, irritated with myself that I can’t just make a decision and let it go. “We should probably also talk about the money of it all. We would make a lot of it if we did this.”
Jeremy scoffs. “I don’t need the money, and let’s be real, you don’t care about the money.”
He’s right again. I don’t care about the money. The bar does well, and we already own the building and my loft upstairs. And even though I hate thinking or talking about it because it makes me feel uncomfortably elitist, I have a trust fund with more money in it than I will ever need.
I think Jeremy can probably read what’s on my face, because the next words out of his mouth are, “I’m not saying we turn it down because we’re both swimming in cash. I’m saying that we talk about the legitimate reasons to take or not take the offer and not muddy the waters with the things that don’t matter to either of us right now.”
“You’re right, Jer. I know you’re right. And I still have no fucking clue what to do.”
“Look, I know that you’re struggling with this, and I’m not sure you really know why. I think maybe you need to set it aside for a while. Like, really set it aside and not think about it. We have until the end of the year to decide. We go to the lake in a week, and we’ll be there for two. Put it out of your head until after that. We’ll all go get some sun, spend time together, and maybe you’ll come back with a clearer head. And I know we agreed not to talk to anyone else about it while we decide what we want to do, but maybe talk to your dad? He’s a businessman too. He might be able to help.”
I consider this. My dad and I are close, but we rarely talk about business. It’s my fault. He is a second-generation real estate developer in the city. Parker Inc. developed most of the business district in downtown Pittsburgh and various other neighborhoods around the city, including the South Side where we are currently sitting. Even though he never says anything and has been nothing but supportive, I always feel like maybe he somehow disapproves of me opening a bar instead of going into business with him. Which is why business is never a huge topic of discussion when I’m with him.
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Talk to him, Ben. He might be able to help you untangle some of your thoughts about this.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Good. So, aside from your uncharacteristic indecisiveness, what else is going on?”
My mind immediately turns back to my texts with Hallie, and I cringe all over again.
“What just happened with your face?”
“Huh?”
“You made a really weird face just now.”
“No, I didn’t.” Yeah, I probably did.
“Yes, you did.” Dammit.
“Don’t worry about it, Jer.”
“Oh, I’m not worried. I’m curious as fuck. You have a secret. You never have secrets.”
If only he knew.
“I don’t.”
“You do. Tell me everything.”
Embarrassment lowers my defenses enough that I fold like a house of cards. I unlock my phone, which still has my text thread with Hallie on the screen, and hand it to him. Then, I bury my face in my hands so I don’t need to see his reaction.
“Wait, dressing room pictures? You asked her for dressing room pictures? Is this, like, an inside joke or something?
“It’s not,” is all I can manage.
Jeremy bursts out laughing. “Why would you ask her for dressing room pictures, you pervert?”
I groan, and finally lift my head. “I have no clue. My hands just typed it. I take no responsibility. I think I blacked out for a second.”
“Why would your subconscious ask Hallie for naked pictures, unless…holy fuck, dude.”
“I didn’t ask her for naked pictures, and holy fuck, what?”
“You kinda did though. I always thought we were just joking around about the you and Hallie thing.”
“We were always just joking around,” I say weakly.
Jeremy quirks a brow at me. “Convincing, man.”
“There is no me and Hallie thing.”
“But you want there to be.”
I say nothing, but my silence says everything.
“Whooo boy, this is an interesting development.”
“It’s not a development,” I mumble, regretting the words the second they come out of my mouth.
“What do you mean, it’s not a development?”
I think it’s feeling like an idiot from texting Hallie earlier and sitting with my best friend in our favorite bar that’s to blame for what happens next. I open my mouth and the words come tumbling out. I tell Jeremy everything. About senior year and watching Hallie come down the stairs, and realizing I had feelings for her, and the feelings never going away. About comparing every single woman I have dated for the last decade to her. About feeling like a live wire every time she’s around. About how it’s getting harder and harder to hide what I feel. And about how terrified I am of telling her and ruining our friendship and messing with our family dynamic.
When I finish, I reach for my beer and drain it, feeling both stripped down and also a little dizzy with relief that, for the first time in over a decade, I’m no longer the only one who knows my biggest secret.
“Jesus, that’s a lot to have carried on your own for all these years.” Then he eyes me, a smirk crossing his face.
“What?”
“I’m just thinking about college. I was there, remember? Our bedrooms shared a wall for three years. You weren’t exactly…saving yourself for the love of your life, if you know what I mean. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for some fun, and from the sounds that came out of your room, I bet you were excellent at that particular brand of fun, but?—”
“They weren’t her,” I cut in sharply, interrupting Jeremy’s recap of my string of college one-night stands. Then I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “They weren’t her,” I say again, quieter this time. “No one ever could be. I guess I was just trying to…” I trail off, not knowing how to finish that sentence.
“Fuck her out of your system?”
I wince at how that sounds, but also… “Yeah, pretty much.”
Jeremy’s face softens and he holds my eyes, his filled with a deep understanding.
“Sorry, man, I was just kidding. I understand. Really, I do.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “I saw this a lot when I was in the league. Teammates who seemed like playboys when really they were just searching for their person.”
Jeremy looks away then. He seems to be collecting himself, but I don’t quite understand from what. Before I can ask, his gaze clears, and he starts talking again.
“You could have come to me, you know. I never would have said anything.”
“I know, and I trust you with my life, you know that. But it never felt fair to ask you to keep my secret. You’re close with Hallie, too.”
“I am, but you’re my brother.” He reaches out and lays his hand over mine.
The matter-of-fact way he says that, coupled with his simple gesture of solidarity, has my throat tightening with emotion.
“So, are you going to tell her?”
“I don’t know. It could really mess up both our lives. And Jules’ life. And our families. But it’s getting harder to keep it in. I’m in love with her. I’ve been in love with her for eleven years. I don’t know how much longer I can hide it from her. Fuck, Jer, there are times when it’s been torture. I’ve had to watch her for years, dating people who aren’t me. Seeing her when she brought her college boyfriend home almost killed me. I wanted to punch that smug asshole. And when she dated that lawyer at her firm last year? Watching them together tore my fucking heart out.”
“Look, I know it’s not the same thing, but none of us know how long we have with the things we love.”
Jeremy’s face darkens for a split second and unconsciously, his hand drifts down to his bad knee. I know he’s thinking about his hockey career and the way it ended. He never acts anything but okay with the abrupt end to his career, but sometimes I wonder if that’s really the truth.
“If you really love her, you should tell her,” he says quietly. “Or at least start hinting around and see what happens. Life’s too fucking short not to.”
I say nothing; he’s completely right. It’s time.
Not a moment too soon, the server drops two huge baskets of wings and fries on our table. “Can we be done with the emotional wreckage portion of this afternoon now?”
“You know it, pretty friend,” Jeremy snarks.
I throw a napkin at him, and we settle in with our wings and our beers to watch some baseball, content to put our big thoughts aside for now.