Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
DECLAN
Tuesday 3:49 pm
Me
I'm so fucking sorry.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
You didn't deserve that shit, mama. I'm so fucking sorry.
Tell Max I’m sorry for scaring her.
Missed call to Andy
Tuesday 4:15 pm
Me
Please talk to me.
I didn't mean any of that shit.
Max’s face is haunting me. I never should’ve left you two like that.
You didn't deserve that.
Missed call to Andy
Tuesday 11:23 pm
Me
Please call me. Need to hear your voice and apologize.
Baby, please.
Fine. I'll give you some time. Just know I'm sorry, and that shit will never happen again.
Missed call to Andy
Wednesday 10:30 am
Me
I miss you so fucking much.
Miss waking up next to you.
Miss having you in my arms.
Missed call to Andy
Wednesday 9:30 pm
Me
Please, mama. Talk to me.
Please. I fucking need you. I'm sorry.
I wish I could be the man that deserves to be in your and Max’s life.
Thursday 8:30 am
Andy
Fuck you.
Me
I'm so fucking sorry. Please answer the phone.
Missed call to Andy
Me
Please.
Andy
Fuck you.
Thursday 9:30 pm
Incoming FaceTime from Andy
Wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans, I look at myself in the mirror of my backstage dressing room at The House of Carnage, where Riot will be performing tomorrow night.
We've been here all-day rehearsing, and I've been sitting in my dressing room taking a much-needed break when my phone began ringing.
Taking a deep breath, I click the green accept button, watching as my dark-eyed daydream fills my screen. It's been two days since I've seen her face, but somehow, it feels much longer than that.
All I wanted to do on Tuesday morning was hurt Andy so bad that she’d be done with me. Wanted her to block my number and remove me from her existence.
If she stays with me, I’ll slowly suck the life out of her just like I did to Camille. Day by day I drained the life from my beautiful wife until eventually, she became so resigned that she no longer looked at me with anger or resentment. Her gaze was filled with indifference. The only time she was happy was when she was in the arms of another man. And that’s because of me. I drove her to that point.
I wanted to save Andy the hurt of having to suffer the same fate as Camille. Save her from spending years of her life trying to save me, and pretending to be happy, all while I’m draining the life from her eyes little by little.
My plan backfired. Instead of her letting me go, I’m the one unable to let her go, which is not something I considered. I didn’t realize how deeply she’s worked herself under my skin, or how much of my heart she owns. Tuesday should’ve been the end of us, but I couldn’t let that happen. Not when my heart is coming alive for her. Not when she’s infiltrated my every thought.
Like a true piece of shit, I can’t let her go. Even if that means destroying her in the end. She’s mine until her very last breath. Until I ruin us both.
I've been beating myself up for two days over how I left things. All she was trying to do was help me, and instead of accepting or being willing to talk things out with her, I exploded. She didn't fucking deserve that shit.
"Hey." Her sultry voice fills the silence, her face stoic as she stares at me.
"Baby, words cannot express how truly sorry I am for everything I said. You didn't deserve any of that shit, and I'm sorry. And I’m so fucking sorry if I scared Max."
"Yup," she says with a nod. "I didn't deserve any of that shit. All I was trying to do was help. You tell me you want to be someone else, someone better, and yet you're not doing anything to accomplish that. I want to help you, Declan."
"Why? I'm not worth it."
Her eyes soften. "You are worth it, baby. I'm sorry that you don't think you are, but I promise you are. You are worth it, and you deserve it."
I shake my head, wishing I could believe in myself like she believes in me.
"I'm not giving up on you, Dec. I'm here, and you won't get rid of me that easily. But I'm also not going to allow you to treat me like shit either because you're triggered or whatever the fuck happened Tuesday."
"I know, mama. I'll do better for you. For both of you." Max’s frightened face flashes in my mind, my heard aching at the memory of her standing there calling for me.
"Let's talk later, I'm going to bed."
"Will I see you tomorrow?"
She pauses, and there is a long silence between us before she finally shrugs and answers, "We'll see. I'm not ready to forgive you."
"Please, Andy. I really need you there. What can I do?"
"Nothing. I need to sleep." She sighs, turning to her side. "Goodnight, Declan." She ends the call, not waiting for my response.
"Fuck!" I roar, throwing my phone onto the vanity, my hands tangling in my hair and tugging at the roots.
I hoped hearing her voice would calm my storm, but I'm still wound up. For two days, I've been lying to myself, telling myself that even though she's angry right now, she cares about me and will show up for me tomorrow night.
After speaking with her, I'm not so sure of that anymore.
My phone rings, and instantly I jump up from my seat and grab it, answering the call without checking to see who it is, but praying like fuck it's her. The woman who is digging herself so deep into my veins that I'll never be able to cut her out.
"Andy?" I say wishfully, needing confirmation that she'll be coming.
"Who is Andy?" a feminine voice comes across the line, a voice I'm all too familiar with. Groaning, I scrub a hand over my face, attempting to find some sense of happiness.
"Hey, Spence," I greet, returning to my seat and throwing my head back as I speak to Spencer, my ex-sister-in-law.
"Wow, you are sure excited to talk to me," she says, her voice playful and teasing. Any other time, I would be happy to hear from her. We've always had a great relationship. I know things about her that she's never shared with Camille.
Usually, I tell her about things happening with me and my life, but I've yet to tell her about Andy. This is likely because I'm unsure how she'd react to hearing that I'm dating.
Lie .
I know exactly how she'd react. She'd be thrilled for me.
"Sorry, I'm just tired. We've been here rehearsing all day, and I'm fucking exhausted."
"Yeah, I heard about Riot having a comeback show. By the way, thanks for telling me," she says, voice full of sarcasm, and I imagine she's rolling her eyes.
"Fuck. I meant to. It happened so fast, and I spaced out on letting you know."
"Whatever. I'll forgive you because at least I was able to find out ahead of time." Her tone turns chipper, and I know she's about to drop some news: "It just so happens that I'll be in Vegas tomorrow. My flight lands in the morning." The thought of seeing her brings a smile to my face. It's been a couple of months since I've seen her.
After Camille and I divorced, Spencer made me promise that I wasn't divorcing their family and that we'd remain friends. Spencer is practically my sister, so of course, I agreed, and she's been to New York many times to visit me.
I haven't been to Seattle in years, since the day I left mine and Camille's house and returned to New York.
Spencer often visits New York for work, and she stops to see me each time. We also text often. She's one of my best friends.
I need to tell her about Andy, but I'm not ready yet—not over the phone. If Andy comes tomorrow, I'll introduce them then.
"Fuck yeah, Spence. I'm stoked to see you."
"Better be," she teases. “I want to stay at the same hotel as you, so send me your info so I can book a room."
I roll my eyes. We both know I'll never let her pay for her own room. "Send me your flight info. I'll have my driver pick you up. I'll book your room, too."
"Thanks, Declan. You're the best."
"Really fucking excited to see you, Spencer. I mean it."
"Are you okay?" she asks, noticing that my tone isn't as upbeat as usual. Spencer always has a way of knowing when I'm down.
I sigh, not wanting to get into it right now, "Will be. We'll talk tomorrow."
"Alright, see you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow."
I end the call, feeling a little better than before.
Thank fuck I'll have another person showing up for me, making me feel a little less alone.
All I need now is the girl bringing my cold, dead heart back to life.
God. I hope she shows.