Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
ANDY
Friday 8:30 am
Declan
I hope to see you tonight.
David will be at your apartment by 4 p.m. if you decide to come. I really hope you do.
Since Declan left Tuesday morning, I've been replaying our last conversation, trying to figure out where it all went wrong.
Had I pushed too hard when all I'd wanted to do was help?
My mother often accused me of trying to fix her, which Declan also said. Were they right?
Were they broken pieces that I've been trying to repair?
What choice do I have when I want to see the people I love in good health? If they continue going down the path they're on, I know how it'll end, and I refuse to watch someone I love die by their own hand.
For years, I've tried to make my love be enough for my mother. Foolishly, I hoped that if I loved her enough, that'd be enough for her to open her eyes and want to free herself of the constant drug-induced haze.
I've tried loving and supporting her. Then I tried tough love. None of my attempts so far have been successful, but like a fool, I'm hopeful for her.
Maybe that makes me an idiot. Or perhaps I'm just a desperate girl who desperately wants a mom who cares. A mom who loves me more than getting high. A mom who wants to spend time with me and cares about me.
I want the type of mother I saw my classmates have growing up.
Maybe that makes me a fool, longing for something I'll likely never have. My grandma had been like a mom to me, but she was too old and tired to do a lot of things, and she died when I needed a mother the most in my life.
Deep down, I'm just a girl who fantasizes over something she'll never have and lying to myself by saying it's possible.
One day, my mom will put down the pipe and choose me.
One day, Declan will have the strength to fight his demons.
They both have things in common. Neither of them feels worthy of anything.
My mom has told me many times how worthless she feels.
Declan has said the same thing to me nearly every day.
But how can you make someone feel like they deserve better, that they're worth living a good life, when that person doesn't believe it themselves?
When he left Tuesday, I swore I would block his number and move on with my life. I won't allow myself to be disrespected the way he did. The only time I'll allow myself to be disrespected is when I'm on my knees and going to be rewarded with an orgasm. He can disrespect me all he wants then as long as it's followed up with good girl and some dick.
I tried to be strong for a couple of hours until the first text came in. Then I caved. I'm still angry with him, but I'm not ready to toss in the towel like I'd been willing to do. He can grovel a bit, but I know that by the end of the night, his head is going to be between my legs, and I'll be screaming his name as I forgive him.
How fucking twisted is that.
It might make me weak or a pushover, but apparently, when trying to have a healthy relationship, you should work things out rather than run at the first sign of trouble. At least that's what Jenluv123 said on the Reddit thread I read about handling the first fight in a relationship.
Yes, I went to Reddit for advice. It's not like I have anyone to talk to for relationship advice.
All day at work, I'd been thinking about Declan's text this morning and whether I would attend his concert tonight. Even as I got off work early and went home to shower and get ready, I debated it.
Even now, while I'm in my bedroom packing my duffle bag with things I'll need for an overnight trip to Vegas, I'm still wondering if I'm making the right decision.
"Don't be a pussy. Just go and face him," I mutter, searching my closet for the perfect outfit for tonight. I woke up an hour earlier this morning to wash my hair, and it's been air-drying all day. Now that it's completely dry, all I'll have to do is fluff my curls, and they'll be perfect for tonight.
Lucy picked Max up from daycare and took the girls out for dinner, so once I'm finished packing, I'll need to pack a bag for Max and bring it to Lucy once they get home.
This will be my first time leaving Max overnight while I’m in a different city. I trust Lucy, or else I wouldn't be willing to leave my daughter with her, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm going to miss her like crazy and can't wait to get home to her tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'm taking my girl out and spending the day doing whatever she wants to do. Fuck the cost.
She was heartbroken when Declan left Tuesday. His raised voice had woken her up, and after he left, she was crying, wanting to know why he'd been yelling at me. I don't know why I covered for him and lied to my daughter, but I did by telling her that he wasn't yelling at me and that we weren't fighting. I told her that we'd just been talking in loud voices.
Bless her innocent little heart. She believed me, and for the rest of the day, she yelled everything she said.
Lying to my child isn't something I'm going to make a habit out of, and I'm not sure why I protected Declan. If I had to guess, it was because I was confused and unsure what to do. I was in shock and didn't want to ruin the image Max had of him, especially when I wasn't sure what I would do.
Leave him or work through it.
Considering I'm now dressed, and my packed bag is on the bed, I guess I made my decision.
I stand in front of the full-length mirror in the corner of my bedroom, giving my outfit a final look. I'm dressed in black ripped jeans that are so tight they look painted on, but they make my ass look incredible. My shirt is an old Riot t-shirt I splurged on and ordered on their website a few years ago.
Willing to step out of my comfort zone, I grab the hem of the shirt and bunch it up the smallest amount to reveal a minor sliver of my midsection, then tie it behind my back with a hair tie, rolling and tucking the extra fabric up.
I lean forward, shove my hands into my freshly washed hair, and ruffle my curls. Then, I stand back up, admiring how fluffy and full of volume my dark brown locks are.
My curls fall above my tits, perfectly defined and ready for a night out.
After spraying myself with my signature cherry vanilla perfume, I grab my bag, leave my bedroom, and enter Max's room.
There's a knock at the front door while I pack her backpack, so I abandon the pink backpack and rush toward the living room, knowing it's my daughter and Lucy.
Max rushes toward me with her arms open wide when I swing the door open. I grab her in my arms, attacking her face with kisses.
"Mommy!" she squeals, her face scrunching up as I pepper kisses across her perfect little face. I'll never not be amazed by the fact that I made this beautiful little person. I'm sure most mothers feel the same way—amazed by the fact that they created an entire human being.
"Hey, girl. You look good," Lucy says with a whistle, standing in the doorway.
"Thanks." For once, I feel good about my appearance and don't feel the need to question her compliment. I accept it without overthinking it.
Regardless of what happens tonight, I will see my favorite band perform live and experience my first concert at twenty-one years old. Tonight is going to be a great fucking night, and I'm determined to keep a positive attitude and not let anything fuck it up.
Setting Max on her feet, I turn my attention to Lucy as my daughter runs down the hallway toward her bedroom.
"Thank you so much for watching her. I'll pay you tomorrow as soon as I get home."
"I've already told you not to worry about it, Andy. I'd love to have Max for the night. Haley is excited, too. She's over there trying to figure out which game they'll play first." She waves me off, but I know she's counting on the money, just like I am. Every penny you can get is essential when you're a single mom.
A faint smile brushes my lips. The fact Max has a friend means everything to me. She's too young to become an untrusting, jaded hermit like I am. Making friends was hard for me when I was always the girl with an addict for a mom that other parents liked to whisper about. It makes it hard when no one wants to sit with you at lunch or play on the playground. Everyone treated me as if I was contagious, like they were going to catch a drug addiction just by being near me .
Bastards.
It didn't help matters that I dropped out of school either, so that I could work full time.
"Give me just a minute to finish packing her bag. I'm almost done."
"Bring her over when you're done. I need to get over there with Haley." I nod, watching Lucy walk across the hall to the white door to the apartment directly in front of mine. Once she's inside, I close my door, quickly pulling my phone from my pocket to check the time.
3:58 p.m.
Fuck .
David will be here any minute if he's not already.
I step into Max's bedroom to find her digging through her bottom drawer, pulling out her tutus and princess costumes that she always manages to find at the thrift store. "Whatcha doing, baby girl?"
"Haley and I are going to be princesses tonight, so I'm bringing my dresses," she says, gathering the clothing into her tiny arms and taking it to the bed. She stuffs it in the open backpack and zips it closed.
I watch her in amusement. She pulls the straps over her shoulders and says, "I'm ready to go to my sleepover party."
"Are you forgetting anything?" She taps her chin, thinking momentarily. A second later, her face lights up, and she rushes to her toy chest and pulls out a silver and pink tiara, sticking it on her head.
"Now I'm ready."
"How about I finish packing, Princess Max?" I unzip her backpack and lead her toward the closet, where I quickly gather pajamas and clothes for her to wear tomorrow.
I fold the clothes before putting them in the backpack, her small body dramatically jerking with my movement.
Rolling my eyes, I lead her out of the room and into the bathroom. After packing her toothbrush and toothpaste, I zip up the backpack and grab my own bag.
"Time for our parties!" She jumps in delight, the straps falling off her shoulders with the movement.
"Be good and listen to Lucy, okay?" She nods, following me outside. I lock the door and then shove the keys into my purse.
We approach Lucy's door, and Max presses the doorbell. A second later, Lucy is there staring up at me.
My jeans make squatting difficult, but I do my best to hug and kiss my daughter.
"Do you know how much I love you?"
Max nods frantically. "With all your big, fat, purple heart."
"That's right, baby girl." I give her another kiss before standing and handing the bag to Lucy.
"Thank you again. Please call if you need anything."
"We're good here, girl. Go support your man." Lucy wiggles her eyes suggestively, shooting me a playful smirk.
Max rushes inside, yelling for Haley to look at her tiara.
Now that the time has come, my nerves are beginning to set in and make me anxious, but I remind myself that I can do this.
It's just Declan.
The man who spends his weekends at the park with me and my daughter.
The man who carried my daughter on his shoulders at the cherry festival and tried every chocolate-covered or infused item she wanted him to try.
The man who is making me feel safe enough to let my guard down and let him in.
With a sharp inhale, I waved goodbye to Lucy, taking the steps slowly and one at a time.
"It's just Declan. It'll be fine," I whisper to myself as I reach the bottom of the stairs. Instantly, I spot David in the parking lot waiting for me.
"It's just Declan. Sure, he's a rockstar, but he's your boyfriend," I tell myself out loud, needing the reminder. The word boyfriend has a smile curling on my lips and the butterflies in my belly flying away.
I'm going to see my boyfriend.
One look at him, and I'll feel better.
I'll feel at home.