Chapter 40
FORTY
DECLAN
One week.
I've spent one week going back and forth between Las Vegas and Loganville. Riot performed at The House of Carnage three nights a week, and after those shows, I was hopping in the car with David and being driven to Loganville to spend the night with my woman, only to go back to Vegas the next day.
Most nights, I got to Andy's apartment after two a.m., and she was always waiting for me despite having to be up for work at six a.m.
I'd bury myself inside of her always wet and ready pussy, then we'd fall asleep in each other's arms, only to wake up hours later and have to part ways to return to work.
By the third day of going home to her, she surprised me by giving me a key to her apartment so I could let myself in and out. Since then, I've been letting myself in so she can sleep.
On the days I didn't have to be in Vegas until later, I'd hang out in her apartment after she left for work, catching up on as much sleep as possible before using her shower and heading to Vegas.
One week of being tired as fuck, but damn, it's been a great week.
I've remained sober after every show, I get to fall asleep with my woman in my arms at the end of the night, and for once, I'm fucking happy.
I know it's only temporary because that happens to people like me. To pieces of shit who cause destruction. Happiness is temporary.
Until my time comes to an end, I'm going to soak it all in and enjoy every fucking second that I can.
It's Monday now, and I'll be in Seattle by tonight. A city I haven't returned to since my divorce.
Camille has already been texting me, thrilled to see me, but I can't say the same. I've been thinking a lot and reading many posts from online support groups, and I've decided that I need to confess. The secret of that night has been weighing heavy on me for so many years, and I can't continue living with it anymore.
Maybe that's selfish, and maybe I'm only trying to make myself feel better. I'm not sure, but I know that Camille deserves to know.
She's been trying to make me feel better about what happened for years, but that's impossible when she doesn't know the truth. She'll hate me, but it's what she deserves. I can't stand her trying to help me and make me feel better when I'm the reason she has to live with her grief.
I've already called her, told her I'd be in Seattle tonight, and asked to meet her tomorrow, but she's away on business for a few days. She owns a successful lingerie company and has been trying to get as much done as possible before going on maternity leave.
It's a good thing, too. It gives me a few more days to get the nerve to see her while I'm back in Seattle.
I'd never believed places could be a trigger, but I was wrong as usual.
New York City and Seattle are my trigger cities. And, of course, we'll be going to both of them within the next two weeks.
There's nothing like being forced to face your demons head-on.
I'm not looking to rid myself of guilt because that's impossible. All I want is to tell her what happened.
If she hates me, that'll make me feel better. I can return to hating myself, too, rather than liking myself as I have been this past week.
For the first time, I really fucking liked myself this week.
My mind has been clear, my heart has been full, and I've been with Andy and Max playing fucking house, which is something I don't deserve.
I only recognize who I am when I hate myself, and that's what I need.
Mostly, I just want Camille to know. It's not right for her to continue living without knowing what I did. What type of person I really am.
Andy took today off work and kept Max home from daycare so the two of them could accompany me to Vegas this morning. She wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, so she's coming to the tour bus with me.
Since David has been driving me all week, I left my Range Rover with her to use. It's Andy, so of course, she protested at first but quickly caved when she realized she'd be getting to drive her dream car.
As soon as I get home, I'm taking her to Vegas and letting her order her very own custom Range Rover or any other car she wants.
We've been driving in a comfortable silence, the car filled with Max's soft snores from the backseat and the low hum of the radio playing a song I don't recognize. My hand is on Andy's thigh while she sits in the passenger seat, her hand on top of mine, needing to touch me as much as I need to touch her. This morning, she woke me up by choking on my cock. The moment my eyes sprung open and I caught sight of her, I was dragging her up by the hair to sit on my dick and ride me until she was shaking with multiple orgasms.
When the trembles faded, I rolled her on her back, buried my head between her legs, and ate my new favorite breakfast. Once she was sensitive and begging me to stop, claiming she couldn't take anymore, I hooked her legs over my forearms and fed my dick back inside of her tight cunt.
Despite taking a shower and cleaning herself, I'm confident her cunt is still dripping with my cum. The mental image makes my lips twitch as I hold back a smirk, my grip on her thigh tightening.
The closer we get to Vegas, the more nervous I become. I've stepped onto a tour bus countless times. It's second nature at this point, but I've never done it while in a sober and clear headspace. I've always used a shot of vodka to take the edge off, then snorted a line the moment I reached my bunk.
This time, I can't do any of that. I can't partake in any of my typical pre-tour routines. Now, with the building anticipation of seeing Camille, my chest is tight.
"Are you okay?" Andy's low voice fills the car, her brown eyes looking at me with concern.
Glancing at her for a moment, I offer a small smile before turning my focus to the road. "I'm seeing Camille in a couple of days," I confess, unsure why I haven't thought to tell her before now.
"You saw her before you moved here, right?"
I nod. "When I lived in New York, we'd meet anytime she came for business. Also, every year for Luca's birthday." His birthday that's also his death date because the universe isn't fucked up enough.
The devil had to punish me for my actions, and because I chose to get high before getting behind the wheel, my son will forever be four years old. He'll never get to grow up or celebrate another birthday .
"This will be different, though. It might just be the last time I see her." I sigh, glancing at my woman beside me once again.
It takes her a moment to realize what I mean by that, but then her eyes widen once it clicks. "You're going to tell her," she says with a gasp. "Holy fuck." She squeezes my hand reassuringly.
"For years, she has helped me while I've spiraled, which she assumes is because of grief. It is grief, but it's also guilt. She deserves to know what happened and what I did. I hate myself every time I look into her eyes and allow her to comfort me because I don't deserve any comfort."
"Dec, that's not true. He was your son, too, and you deserve to grieve and feel whatever you need to feel. Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you get to continue hating and blaming yourself."
"Who else can I blame? He'd still be here if I had given her the keys. We argued about her wanting to drive because she assumed I was tired. She was ruining my high, so I didn't want to hear her complaining. I jumped into the driver's seat without giving her a choice." I've shared pieces of that night with Andy before, but as I reveal new information, I can only hope she doesn't use it against me to leave me. She cannot fucking abandon me, not now when I'm barely holding on and need her the most.
Two months was all it took for her to become my anchor—the bright light in my darkest days.
"What if you don't tell her? Does she really need to know?" she asks, the worry she feels for me evident in her rushed words. She's worried about me. I love her even more for that.
"I have to, baby. She deserves to know." My whispered words hang in the air, coating us in fear for the future.
We remain silent for the remainder of the drive. Before long, we're pulling into the studio parking lot, where two large tour buses are currently parked. Several people are already outside the buses, loading them with all the supplies we'll need over the next two weeks.
At the sight, Andy squeezes my hand tighter. A quick look over at her reveals her scrunched face. Eyes focused on the busses, lips parted as her chest rises and falls rapidly.
Her plump bottom lip trembles, and she bites down on it to hide it.
Letting go of her thigh, I move my hand to the back of her neck and pull her over to me, crushing our lips together in a bruising kiss. One hand on the back of her neck, the other cupping her face, angling her so I can plunge my tongue into her mouth and stroke it over the roof of her mouth, desperate for another taste of her that'll last me the next two and a half weeks.
Initially, we were going to leave Wednesday since our first show isn't until Thursday, but Benny wanted us to be in Seattle earlier to allow for more rehearsal time since we haven't had as much as we'd usually have before shows.
Pulling away, I rest my forehead against hers, staring into her glossy brown eyes. "You have my heart and all of my tomorrows," I whisper, pressing another lingering kiss against hers.
Outside of the car, I hear loud catcalls from familiar voices. One look out the windshield has me rolling my eyes at the sight of Adam and Damon, whistling and yelling at the sight of me kissing Andy.
Rolling my eyes, I flip them off, a grin on my lips as I turn my attention back to my girl.
"Guess it's time to go." Stealing another quick kiss, I pull away and climb out of the car. Opening the back door, I lean in and kiss a sleeping Max on the forehead.
"You can wake her up. She'll want to see you," Andy says from the passenger seat as she gets ready to get out.
"Max," I say, taking her small hand in my large tattooed one and stroking her soft skin with my thumb. "Wake up, best friend." I give her a little shake.
She groans, dark lashes fluttering as her eyes begin to open. Recognition sets in at the sight of me, and a sleepy smile spreads across her face .
"Hi, best friend. Are we there yet?" she asks with a heavy sigh, arms and legs stretching as I unbuckle the clips of her car seat.
"We're here. You can get out now." I step back to give her some space, holding a hand out as she climbs out of her seat and then jumps out of the car.
She squints against the sun, cupping her hands over her face like a visor.
"I forgot my glasses." She sighs, shielding her eyes as she turns into me, using my large frame to block the sun.
"Diva," Andy mutters from where she now stands beside us. Giving her a wink, I walk to the trunk and open it, grabbing my bags.
It's been a couple of weeks since I returned to the hotel. The last time I was there, I took all my belongings, and since then, I've been staying with Andy each time I've been in Loganville. I still have the hotel room, although I make a mental note to check with Andy and see what she thinks about me checking out of the room once I get back. I'd love nothing more than to continue being with her every chance I can get.
If I knew she'd say yes, I'd get a place for us here in Vegas right fucking now and move her in with me. But Andy is too independent to be taken care of. She'd rather budget than accept my help. Which I can applaud her for, but I hate that she's turned down my help the multiple times I've offered this week.
Giving her money isn't going to break the bank—not when I have millions of dollars that I'll never spend. The most she's been willing to accept is using my rental car and the food I pay for when the three of us go out.
My girl is so goddamn stubborn.
"Hey, Andy!" Adam calls out as we approach. "Hi, Max!" Beside me, Max waves with one hand while the other rubs her tired eyes.
"Sup, guys!" Damon rushes toward my girls, pulling Andy in for a tight hug, then ruffles Max's hair .
"Where's Cole?" I question, noticing he is nowhere to be seen.
Adam and Damon exchange smirks. "Inside saying goodbye to Cece," Damon says, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Lucky fucker.
If I could steal Andy away for five minutes in private, I would. I'm dying for another taste of her, but it'll have to wait. This morning will have to be enough to hold me over until I'm able to sink inside her sweet pussy again.
Adam and Damon hug Andy and Max goodbye, and she wishes them good luck before they leave, giving the three of us privacy to be together.
"Max," I squat in front of my mini best friend, "Be good for your mom, okay? Listen to what she says, clean your room, and keep track of the map." She nods, throwing her arms around my neck and hugging me tight.
"Do you promise to come back, best friend?" She sniffles, "If you don't, then I will miss you so super much."
"I promise, Max. I'll be back in two and a half weeks, and the three of us will be together again," I assure her, rubbing her back as I hold her in my arms. No matter what, I will return home to my girls.
When Max lets me go, I kiss her forehead before standing, turning my attention toward Andy.
"You can kiss my mommy," Max says, surprising the hell out of me. "You can be her boyfriend, too." She nods, satisfied with herself.
A grin tugs at the corner of my lips while Andy stands there, speechless. "Why do you say that?" I ask.
"Because you're my best friend and nice to me and my mommy. You should be my mommy's boyfriend, then you'll have to come home to us because you can't leave if you're dating," she says, staring up at me with her wide innocent eyes.
Who am I to argue with that logic?
"Okay, Max, your mom can be my girlfriend." Andy snickers but remains silent .
"No, you have to ask her," Max says, looking at her mom over her shoulder. "And then, Mommy, you'll say yes."
"Andy, will you be my girlfriend?" She looks at me with eyes full of humor, going along with whatever her daughter wants to make her happy.
"Yes, Declan. I'll be your girlfriend."
Max giggles, clapping happily. "Yay!" She shouts, smiling wide as she stares up at us with eyes full of awe.
Andy steps toward me, wraps her arms around my neck, and presses her lips against mine. Her body softens in my arms and melts against me. I'm aware we have the eyes of a child on us, so I don't take the kiss any further despite my cock pressing against my zipper as Andy brushes against me.
Pulling apart, she gives me a slow smile, heated eyes full of lust. "Be safe, and come home to us."
"Always, Mama," I say, resting my forehead against hers. "I will be back." I seal the promise with a kiss.
After another hug and kiss for both of my girls, I load Max back into her car seat, open the door for Andy to climb into the driver's seat, and then watch as they leave, taking my heart with them.
The countdown is on.
Two and a half weeks until I get my heart back.