Chapter 49
FORTY-NINE
DECLAN
Mornings are better when waking up with a curly-haired bombshell in your bed.
Andy's dark curls are spread over the white pillowcase as she lies on her back, dark nipples visible beneath the thin white sheet.
She'll be leaving today, and it would be a waste if I didn't give her my dick once more as a parting gift. Lifting the sheet, I slip beneath the covers until I'm nestled between my woman's legs, her perfect pussy in my face, begging for me to enjoy my favorite meal.
After she rode me on the couch last night, we fell asleep before we had a chance to take a shower or go another round. I'll rectify that situation today because she's not leaving here until we're both thoroughly fucked.
Last night had been a mind fuck when I opened my door to find Andy standing there. For a moment, I had wondered if I was high and imagining shit, but then I felt her warm skin against mine and knew that my angel was real.
She was real and came for me because she knew I needed her. She has no idea how right she was about me needing her. It's like she heard my silent cries for help all the way across the country and answered my plea.
Fucking Andy.
The girl who is too damn good for me.
Spreading her pussy lips apart, I slide my tongue up the length of her, flattening my tongue against her hardened clit, and suck it into my mouth, easily sliding two fingers inside of her as she grows wetter beneath my touch.
Andy moans, fingers coming down to tangle in my hair as she wakes, becoming aware of what I'm doing to her body and how only I can make her feel.
I'm addicted to her.
Her taste.
Her smell.
Her presence.
Everything about her enthralls me.
Her legs widen, hips raising to my mouth as I continue the combined assault of licking and sucking her sweetness into my mouth.
Suddenly, the sheet is removed from our bodies, and brown eyes stare down at me, a smirk on her lips. "Best way to wake up," she says breathily, followed by a gasp as I slide a third finger inside of her.
Humming against her cunt, I give her another slow lick before pulling my head back, fingers still buried deep inside her and pumping slowly as I gaze up at her. "Morning, baby." I press a kiss to the soft dark curls between her legs. "Do you trust me?" She nods quickly.
Smirking, I pull away from her body, get off the bed, and walk toward my duffle bag. Reaching inside the side pocket, I pull out a cherry ring pop, the same as the one I'd put on her finger weeks ago.
Her eyebrows raise in question, and I remove the wrapper, sticking the cherry-flavored candy into my mouth. I suck it for a couple of seconds before climbing back onto the bed, then hold out the candy for her.
Andy parts her lips and then closes her mouth after I stick the candy inside. She sucks it, then I pull it out. She lets go with an audible pop.
Smirking, I reclaim my space between her legs, tongue licking over the sucker as I spread her pussy, then drag the candy along her wetness.
She props herself on her elbows, and her eyes are focused between her legs as she watches me drag the candy through her slit until it becomes coated in her wetness. Pulling it away, I lick over her pussy, humming at the sweetness that explodes on my tongue.
"You taste just like you smell." I lick her again, lips closing around her clit, then pull back.
"Oh, fuck," she mutters, wide eyes still taking in my every movement.
Returning the candy to her pussy, I rub it along her clit, moving it in slow massaging circles as I lower my mouth and shove my tongue inside of her tight little hole while keeping the sucker moving along her clit.
Her head falls back, chest rising and falling with heavy breaths as her climax builds.
Within seconds, I have her coming into my mouth just by thrusting my tongue inside of her and using the sucker to circle her clit.
I lick up her release, sitting up with a smug grin on my lips. Reaching forward, I shove the candy into her mouth, forcing her to taste my new favorite flavor.
Cherry mixed with Andy's cum.
"So fucking dirty." I grin, kiss her cheek, then climb off the bed. "Let's go take a shower, and you can wrap those lips around my cock while we're in there." She doesn't need to be told twice. She loves sucking my dick as much as I love her sucking my dick .
She hops off the bed, removing the sucker from her mouth, and shoves it into mine, before racing into the bathroom.
In the shower, she obeys like the good girl she is and sinks to her knees, eyes level with my aching cock.
At the sight of me, her eyes widen, her mouth popping open, as she finally notices the tattoo on my shaft.
"What the fuck?" Her eyebrows furrow in confusion, fingers carefully touching my heated velvet skin. Shifting my cock to the side, she stares at her name tattooed in bold black letters along the shaft.
Brown eyes flick up to me, a smirk on my lips as I stare down at her smugly, my chest flexing as I stand there, proud to show off the latest ink marking my body for the rest of my life.
"Do you like it?" I ask when she remains silent, eyes bouncing between me and my cock. Her expression isn't one of horror, but there's no doubt she does have some thoughts in her pretty little head about it.
Licking her lips, she sits back on her heels, hand falling away from my length. "Why did you get my name tattooed on your dick?"
Because I was high as fuck.
I can't tell her that, so I shrug. "I don't want anyone else, Andy. You are it for me. You love my cock, and it's yours, so why not?"
She throws her head back, exposing her neck, and lets out a full belly laugh that has her body shaking. "You're fucking crazy." She climbs back to her knees, wraps a hand around my hardness, puckers her lips, and presses a kiss to the tip. Her tongue pokes out, licking the bead of precum that slips free from the slit.
With her eyes on me, she swallows me down until my length hits the back of her throat, triggering her gag reflex. Drool drips from the sides of her mouth as she gags on me, but that doesn't stop her from tightening her lips around me and sucking me as fiercely as she sucked that cherry ring pop I used to make her come.
Andy sucks my dick until I'm shooting thick ropes of cum into the back of her throat, and she's swallowing like the good girl she is.
Fresh from the shower, and after drying off, I walk my naked ass into the bedroom, grab my duffle bag from the floor, and set it on the bed. I grab a pair of jeans and boxers from the top of the pile and pull them on.
Andy mimics my actions by bringing her duffle bag onto the bed and dressing in a matching lace bra and panties set that has my cock already straining against my zipper.
When she catches me staring at her, she raises an eyebrow in silent question. The corner of my mouth lifts in a half smile, "You're gorgeous, do you know that?" I step toward her, placing my hands on her curvy waist and bringing her body flush against mine. "When I look at you, I see someone too good for me. I'm amazed that I get to call you mine." I kiss her lips, my tongue taking advantage of the momentary gasp and slips inside of her warm, wet mouth.
I hold her against me like she's the most precious thing in the world.
Brushing the dark strands of hair from her face, I stare down at her. "I love you, Declan." she whispers, the words filling my ears along with the rapid sound of my heart beating. "I'm not lying to you, either. You have my heart, and I'm sure you've had it since that day in the thrift store." I get the sense it's not easy for her to reveal her feelings or allow herself to be this exposed when it comes to her feelings. Andy has had walls around her heart for too long, and she's finally letting me in.
"You don't know how lucky I am to be loved by you." A knot forms in my stomach as I stare into her trusting brown eyes, now feeling like a piece of shit for keeping secrets from her.
If she knew how weak I was and that I'd given in to the demons haunting me, her brown eyes, which shine with love and adoration, would look at me with anger and possibly hatred. I don't want her to ever lose that spark in her eyes when she looks at me. It's a look I want to see forever. Even when we're old and gray, I want that spark to remain.
I'm selfish, I know this. And I know I won't be able to keep it a secret from her for long. Soon, she'll find out just how far down the rabbit hole I've fallen, but I'm not ready for that. When I get back to Loganville, I'll sit her down and explain.
Until then, I will take advantage of my time with her this morning.
Besides, I'll be quitting soon.
I've already flushed the coke I'd been carrying with me, and soon, I'll get rid of the half-empty bottle of liquor in my mini fridge along with the H. I need a little bit more time.
Having it there within arm's reach provides me comfort, just like with my cigarettes. I carried them with me after I quit, just in case I needed one.
I can do the same with my stash.
Keep it around just in case, but not actively seek it out.
Yup. I can fucking do it.
It's fine. I'm fine.
My addiction could always be worse.
Forcing a smile, I press another kiss to Andy's lips. "I love you, Mama. Let's finish getting ready, then we'll go grab something to eat before I have to take you to the airport." She nods, kissing my lips, then pulls away. Grabbing the bag of toiletries from her duffle bag, she returns to the bathroom to finish getting ready for the day.
While she's there, I grab a T-shirt from my bag, carefully avoiding the rolled-up red shirt hiding my H and everything I'd need to shoot up. Luckily, I'd managed to conceal it before last night's show, or Andy might've spotted it when she surprised me in my room.
Thank fuck it wasn't sitting around. So far, I've done pretty good at hiding it. Especially considering Adam and the others aren't aware of how far I've fallen. Adam knows I've relapsed, since he witnessed it when it happened. As far as he knows, I'm only smoking weed, drinking, and occasionally snorting a line.
He doesn't know that I snort a line any chance I can get or shoot up the moment I return to the hotel.
I'm pissed he knew Andy was coming but hadn't warned me.
Fuck it being a surprise.
What would've happened if I shot up last night after the show like I've been doing? She would've found me high and left.
It was too close of a call.
Even now, it's a close call having her in the same room with my hidden drugs and liquor. Sure, if she found the bottle of vodka, I could easily lie and tell her one of the guys left it, but catching me with H buried in my bag would be harder to explain.
Fuck, now I'm reeling out of control.
My mind is racing with too many what-if scenarios, unaware that I had even begun pacing back and forth, scratching at my chest and forearms.
Last night, I'd been riding the high of performing. Now, I was stone-cold, sober, and desperate for a small bump to get me through the day. I don't need a lot, just a little bit of something. Fucking anything that'll keep my skin from crawling.
Fuck .
My palms are sweaty—the desperate need for another hit is choking me.
"Declan." Andy's stern voice cuts through my racing thoughts, and I turn to look at her, saying a silent prayer that she hasn't been standing there long. I'm perfectly aware that I look every bit like a preening drug addict with the way I'm pacing and mumbling.
One look at Andy has my heart dropping into my stomach and my throat constricting at the look in her eyes. "Want to explain?" Between her fingers, she holds up a little orange sealing cap that I'm all too familiar with .
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
No. No. No.
To most people, the bright orange syringe cap would've been easily overlooked, but when you have experience with drugs, you know what it means.
How could I have been so careless and stupid? Big fucking mistake not making sure I'd cleaned up after coming down from my high. Each time I bit the cap off the needle, I'd spit it across the room, not paying attention to where it landed because my attention was too focused on getting the drugs into my veins.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I'm a fucking idiot.
The used syringes are in my bag, along with the new ones, but who knows where else the other caps have landed. If she finds those, too, she'll know exactly how many times I've shot up since being here.
How did she even find it? Was she fucking searching the carpet? Trying to catch me doing something I shouldn't?
My eyes narrow, and she mirrors me, already preparing herself for what I'm going to say, "Are you fucking searching my shit?"
Wrong thing to say.
She throws the cap at me, the small plastic object bouncing painlessly off my chest and onto the floor.
"I stepped on it in the fucking bathroom!" She points as if I'm not aware where the bathroom is in my hotel suite.
The bathroom. Fuck. I remember now.
My second time shooting up here was while I was in the bathroom. I'd gone into the bathroom to get water from the sink to mix with the white power before cooking it, but I had been so desperate for an immediate fix that I ended up sitting on the floor and shooting up.
Shoving my hands into my damp hair, I tug at the roots, eyes wide as I stare at her, willing my brain to devise a plausible excuse.
I have two options.
Lie. Or tell the truth.
If I lie, I could say one of the guys has diabetes and used the syringe for insulin while in my room.
If I tell the truth, she'll leave me.
She can't fucking leave me.
As if sensing that I'm trying to figure out a way to explain, she snaps her fingers, bringing my focus back to her. "Don't you dare fucking lie to me." Her hands find her soft hips, her foot tapping expectantly as she waits for an answer that I'm not prepared to give.
This isn't how the day was supposed to go.
I had planned on telling her about the relapse once I got back to Loganville, but not right now. Not yet.
Fuck me.
Fuck my life.
Fuck Andy for finding that cap.
She's expecting a lie, and I want to give her one, but she knows what happened. So, I don't insult her further and give her the truth.
"I'm fucking sorry!" I yell, dropping to my knees, burying my face in my hands. "I fucked up! Is that what you want to hear?" I remove my hands, allowing her to see the look of devastation on my face.
At the sight of me, her face softens. She approaches me, taking my face in her hands, "What happened, Dec?"
Now is my chance to tell her everything. Tell her I've been using since Seattle. Tell her about meeting Amber and getting drugs from her. Tell her about the vodka and coke.
I have to be honest. I do. I will. Yes, right now, I'll tell her everything. I open my mouth, and words spill out before I can register what I'm saying. "The first night here, I ran into my old dealer, and I was so fucked up about being here that I bought heroin from him and used it once." Lies.
All I fucking do is lie.
"Now is your chance to be honest with me, Declan. How many times have you used?"
"Once." Another lie.
"You haven't used since Monday night?" I shake my head.
Another fucking lie from my sinful lips.
I used yesterday morning, but the truth doesn't fit my narrative.
"My head has been fucked up since seeing Camille. Then being here, I fell further down the rabbit hole, but I hated being high on that shit again." I fucking loved being high on H, "I'm done, Mama. I fucking promise. I flushed the rest after that." Lie. It's in my duffle bag.
She blinks, lips pressed together as she remains silently studying me, so I continue speaking, "I hated the feeling of being high. All I could think about was you and how much I let you down." I hate that I'm not high right now.
"Declan, I think you need to go to rehab. You need more than NA meetings."
Fuck rehab.
Been there, done that, and failed every time.
I know you need a positive mindset and want to recover to be successful with their program, but it didn't work for me. And I know why.
I'm not willing to share the reason why I began using in the first place. Until I'm willing to remove the skeletons I've buried deep in the back of the closet, I'll forever be stuck in this fucked up cycle, constantly teetering on the edge of sobriety and relapse.
Right now, I'm willing to tell Andy anything to get her off my back.
"I can do that." I nod, licking my lips. "I met this kid at my show yesterday. He's nineteen and on heroin. He has been homeless ever since his mom kicked him out of the house for doing drugs since his dad died of an overdose. We invited him backstage, and I fucking helped him," I say, hitting my fist against my chest. "I'm fucking paying for that kid to go to rehab because he has his entire life ahead of him, and I don't want to read about his death one day. He inspired me so fucking much." I'm a piece of shit for bringing up Aiden and using him to convince Andy that I'm willing to get help.
"I'm so fucking sorry, baby. Please don't give up on me. That kid opened my eyes, and I don't want to be like this." Emotions clog my throat, tears filling my eyes, as I say something honest for a change.
I don't want to be this way. I hate myself.
"I hate my addiction and the person I am because of it."
Andy's eyes soften, and slowly, she sinks to her knees in front of me, holding my face between her warm hands. "You are worth more than your addiction, Declan. I love you, and I'm here for you. We're in this together, and I'm not going to leave you. I'll help you." My shoulders sag with relief.
She's not leaving me.
"When you come home, we'll figure it out. But please, do not take anything else because I will not give you another chance." She closes her eyes, taking a slow and steady inhale. "I will not be with you while you're using. Drugs will not be a part of my life any longer, or my daughter's life." When she opens her eyes, I see the fear lurking beneath. I see the scared child she once was who begged her only parent to put drugs aside to be there for her. I know everything about her past and how she grew up, yet here I am—dragging her down that same path filled with lies and broken promises.
Staring at her, I nod frantically. "I promise, baby. Monday was the first and last time." I wrap my arms around her waist, burying my face in her soft curls, inhaling the faint cherry scent lingering on her silky brown skin.
I'm lying to the woman I love.
I'm lying to myself.
All I do is lie and destroy.
She'd be better off without me .
Everyone would be better off without me.
I'm nothing.
I'm worthless.
I'm a liar.
I'm a fraud.
I'm an addict.
I will never be anything other than this.
My mind is racing. Uncertainties fill my brain with fucked up notions of what I should and shouldn't do.
Of who I should and shouldn't be.
Regardless of how much I want to keep her, I only know that Andy is better off without me.
Our lips connect, each of us desperate for the connection and feel of each other. She lets me strip her bare and lay her body out on the floor beneath me.
When I sink my length inside of her body, tears roll down the corners of her eyes, and I kiss them away, whispering apologies in her ear as I fuck her slowly, savoring the moment of having her warm pussy wrapped around my cock for the last time.
This is goodbye.
It has to be.
She's better off without me.