Chapter 9
Beck
Beck kept his body as relaxed as possible as they lay wrapped around each other, and he felt the moment Kole drifted off. He barely refrained from exhaling in a rush; he wasn’t sure how long he could have kept up the pretence of being fine. He was, but he also truly wasn’t.
What they’d shared was…way more than Beck had expected, and he wasn’t sure what to do with it. When Kole had made his demands, Beck had submitted automatically, doing exactly what Kole had told him to. His hard-won restraint had snapped, and he would’ve done everything Kole asked. It was a dangerous situation because he couldn’t let go. He couldn’t allow himself to be vulnerable again.
What the hell was he doing still in Kole’s bed? He should’ve left the moment the man had fallen asleep, but Beck couldn’t get himself to move. Instead, his arms tightened, as if someone threatened to remove him. The two sides of him were warring, and he wasn’t sure which would win. No, that wasn’t true. He knew which would win because it had no choice. He’d allow Kole a few hours’ sleep, and then he would take him as he should’ve done the first time.
Decision made, he closed his eyes and mentally relaxed every muscle in his body before succumbing to sleep.
He was woken by exquisite pleasure streaking down his spine, and he arched his back and inhaled, pressing his head into the pillow beneath him. A strong suck had the air punching from his lungs, his eyes snapping open to see Kole’s dark head bobbing up and down, his tongue doing eye-crossing things to him. He threaded his fingers into Kole’s strands and gripped, his hips thrusting forward with a mind of their own.
“Fuck,” he breathed.
Kole’s gaze rose, and the look in them was enough to throw Beck over the edge. Black dots fought to cover his vision, but he stared hard at Kole’s hollowed cheeks, and his orgasm continued far longer than usual, his balls straining to release more and more. Finally, its grip left him, and he slumped to the bed, chest heaving.
Kole wiped the corners of his mouth with his fingers, and Beck grabbed those fingers and slipped them into his mouth, sucking on them like he might taste a remnant of his release. He swirled his tongue around the digits, and Kole’s pupils dilated, his tongue peeking out to skim across his lips. Sliding the fingers free, Beck tugged gently on Kole’s hair until Kole crawled up his body. Once he was close enough, Beck fastened their mouths together in a slow exploration.
“Your turn,” Beck rasped when he pulled away for air.
Kole’s cheeks darkened, visible even in the limited light. “Already done.” He looked away and then back again, rolling his lips inward before saying, “You’re far too sexy for me to contain anything.” His teeth left a white streak across his lower lip.
Beck couldn’t help it. He kissed him again, this time a little more forcefully, and when they came up for oxygen again, he rested their foreheads together. “Thank you.”
Kole smiled, his eyes squeezing shut when there was a rumbling noise. “My stomach is saying it’s time for breakfast, even though it’s…” he glanced at the clock and exhaled, “five in the morning.”
“I could eat.”
Kole dropped a kiss on Beck’s mouth and rolled away, leaving a wash of cool air to replace the warmth they’d created. He watched Kole drag on some joggers and smile before leaving the room.
Beck stared at the ceiling for a few long seconds. He needed to rein in whatever it was bubbling in his stomach—nothing at all to do with food—because he didn’t want Kole to get hurt. And he would if Beck played with his feelings. He wasn’t a man to do so, but if he didn’t take a step back, he might not be able to stop it from happening.
Blinking away the thoughts, he climbed from the bed and pulled on his trousers, wandering to the kitchen. Kole stood before the cooker, the frying pan already heating. He glanced over.
“I thought we could have bacon, eggs and toast. Replenish some energy.”
Beck grinned. “I think we need it.” Heading for the fridge, he asked, “What are you drinking?”
“Apple juice, please. There should be a carton open. Help yourself to whatever you want. I can make coffee, too, if you want.”
“Apple juice sounds good to me.”
He poured two glasses of juice, set them on the breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the rest of the apartment and returned to Kole’s side.
“Need any help?” he asked.
“You can put the bread in the toaster for me.”
“Sure.”
It was all very domestic, and Beck tried not to enjoy it too much. After all, he wasn’t going to experience this often, so he better not get used to making breakfast side by side with someone else.
Once everything was plated, they carried their plates to the breakfast bar and settled next to each other. Neither said anything as they started eating, and Beck wracked his brain, trying to think of something to break the easy silence. Not because he wanted to but because he had to.
“I never asked if you had plans for today. I just assumed you didn’t. Sorry about that.”
Kole sent him a brief smile, chewing as he was. When he swallowed, he said, “I don’t have plans. Other than you all, I don’t know anyone else around here yet.”
“I wasn’t sure if you were going to go sightseeing.”
Kole scoffed. “I’ve been to London enough times to not need to rush out and view the tourist attractions.”
Beck chuckled. “I didn’t mean that. I meant the area.” He waved his hand around. “As you said, you don’t know anyone yet, but you could get to know the area you live in. Corner shops and takeaways are a man’s best friend.”
“And you know this how?”
“Because I regularly run out of things and have to race to the corner shop to get them. Plus, I don’t always cook, but I still need feeding.” He refocused on his plate. “I’m sure there are other places you need to know where the closest one is as well.”
He tried not to think about his need to know the closest hospital or men’s shelter to where he was and would take his last breath before he admitted to already having searched the internet for the ones closest to where they currently were.
“You’re right. But not today.”
They dropped into silence again until they finished their early morning breakfast.
“Thank you. That was delicious,” Beck said, gathering the plates and taking them to the sink. “Do you have a dishwasher or do you wash by hand?”
Kole stood. “I can do them—”
“No. You cooked, so I’ll clean.”
Kole opened his mouth as if to argue, but then snapped it shut again. He pointed to a cupboard door, and Beck opened it, finding the dishwasher. He made light work of putting the dishes away and then wiping down the counter and the table. When he was done, he found Kole leaning against the wall, watching him.
“What?”
Kole’s mouth kicked up to the side. “Nothing. I like a man who knows his way around a kitchen. It’s sexy.”
Those last words whispered across the space between them, and Beck, finally feeling back on solid ground, smiled and stalked towards him. As focused as he was on Kole, he saw his breath hitch the closer he went. He didn’t stop until his bare chest rested against Kole’s, the slight scratch of their chest hair rubbing together, and he dropped his head, inhaling when his nose reached the base of his neck, where his scent seemed to be strongest. He nuzzled his nose against his skin, rising up the strong column, along his jaw to his ear, which he nipped with his lips.
“Where were we?”
Kole’s hands were warm on his bare skin, sliding over his shoulders and down his back before lifting off and slipping beneath Beck’s arms to wrap around his back once more. Beck wondered why the change when Kole’s hands squeezed his ass cheeks. He thrust his hips forward, his cock already liking the route they were going.
No words were spoken as their hands touched and roamed, their lips nibbled and kissed, their tongues tasted and tangled. Cock hard and leaking, Beck pressed Kole into the wall, needing the friction but also never wanting it to end.
Kole broke away from the never-ending kiss to moan. “Fuck, Beck. Need you. Suck me. Now,” he demanded.
And like the submissive Beck truly was, he listened. He dropped to his knees on the hard, unyielding floor, dragging Kole’s joggers with him, and fastened his mouth around his dick without preamble. The taste of him, slightly musky from sleep, had his eyelids fluttering closed, and he focused on the feel of him inside his mouth, along his tongue, in the back of his throat.
Kole’s fingers threaded into his hair a few times before gripping tighter than expected, and a groan rumbled in his chest as arousal speared through him. He doubled his efforts, halting when Kole’s grip held him still. His gaze darted up to Kole, and his eyes widened at what he saw. Darkened with lust, Kole’s eyes held his as his free hand wrapped around Beck’s nape, holding him captive. Without a word, Kole canted his hips, sending his cock deeper into Beck’s waiting mouth. Pleasure flooded Beck’s body, and despite his usual need to control all sexual situations, he found he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. He wanted what his body had always told him he needed.
Someone to take him instead of him taking them.
He didn’t have time to panic at the direction of his thoughts because Kole took his complete focus and as Kole came down his throat…Beck came hands free, shooting his load into his trousers, his gaze still on Kole’s face.
As Kole’s cock slipped from his mouth and his breathing returned to some semblance of normal, a band tightened around his chest. He dropped his gaze to the floor but couldn’t find the energy to move from his submissive position.
“Beck?”
The band tightened further, and he gasped for air, scoring his nails through his skin to get to his lungs.
“Beck!”
Black dots swam across his gaze, and he closed his eyes, trying to swallow but finding his mouth as dry as a desert.
“Shit. Beck!”
Hands rested on his back, warming his chilled skin, and pushed his head down towards the floor. Beck didn’t resist. He listed to the side, falling against something immovable, and he tried to breathe, tried to remember what he was supposed to be doing, tried to think.
“Breathe for me, Beck. Inhale, one, two, three, four, and exhale, one, two, three, four. Inhale, one, two, three, four, and exhale, one, two, three, four. That’s it. Keep following my words.”
The continued instructions helped him to focus, and he found his chest easing, his head clearing, his eyes focusing again. Eventually, he came back into his body proper and found himself curled up against Kole’s body, his arms around his waist while his face was buried in his lap. Fingers carded through his hair, and he focused on the sensation and the soft words rather than anything else.
“Are you back with me, Beck?”
“Mmhmm.”
A heavy sigh from above him. “Thank fuck.”
Despite not wanting to move, he needed to because as the numbness of his body retreated, the aching from how they were positioned slowly made itself known. He opened his fists, which had gripped onto the waistband of Kole’s joggers, and hissed at the pain in the joints.
“There’s no rush,” Kole said, but there was.
He pressed his aching hands into the floor, pushing his body up and off Kole’s legs, grimacing with each movement. His legs were a pincushion of pain, and he tumbled to his ass when his legs protested. Kole caught him before he hit the wall behind him, but then he rested slowly back against it and sighed. He needed to explain, but he couldn’t look at Kole right then. He saw when Kole rose on unsteady feet, and Beck wanted to stop him from leaving, but it was what he deserved. He was a burden to everyone he met. Always had been. It was why he’d kept himself to himself and never slept with anyone more than once.
A glass appeared in his line of vision, and his mouth watered. He took it with shaking hands, and with Kole supporting his hands, he took a drink. The more he drank, the calmer he felt. When the glass was drained, he sighed again, knowing it was time.
“I’m—”
“Shall we have a shower? I could do with warming up. You coming?”
Kole held out his hand, and Beck couldn’t stop his gaze from darting up to his face, eyes taking in every nuance. Nothing in his expression said he was upset or angry or confused or…anything negative, actually. It was inviting, a small smile on a beautiful face.
Beck nodded slowly, slipping his hand into Kole’s, the man helping him stand when his legs still didn’t want to support him as well as they usually did. Without making any comment on it, Kole slipped his arm around Beck’s waist and guided him towards the bathroom, where he settled Beck on the closed toilet seat before turning on the shower.
“After our shower, I was thinking we could settle under the covers and watch a movie. Or would you prefer some trash TV? I’m not usually one for that, but I could make an exception if that’s your cup of tea.” He winked. “Or coffee.”
He gestured for Beck to stand, which he did, and then dragged his trousers down his legs without preamble, ignoring the mess coating Beck’s skin, even as he grimaced at the dried come on his skin. Kole undressed himself and held out his hand again. Beck slipped his hand into Kole’s warm grip and climbed over the edge of the bath and under the spray. Kole followed, flicking the shower curtain around them to enclose them. Kole grabbed the shower gel, squirted some into his palm and rubbed it over the tattooed wings of Beck’s chest.
Beck swallowed hard and lifted his head so the water dribbled down over his face, hiding the tears leaking from his eyes even as he hyper-focused on Kole’s ministrations. When Kole turned him, the tears fell harder, and he tensed to stop the sobs from breaking free completely. He worked hard to get himself under control by the time Kole reached his feet, and when Kole turned him again, he was fine. Well, as fine as he could be.
“My turn,” he croaked.
Kole smiled, his eyes lighting up. “I’ll never say no to that.”
Beck took his time, enjoying the experience of smoothing his soapy hands over Kole’s delectable skin. He couldn’t quite meet Kole’s gaze, but his body relaxed with each passing moment.
When they were both cleaner than they had probably ever been, Kole flicked off the shower and dragged the curtain back so they could climb out. Drying off was another testament to his willpower, when Kole dried him and he returned the favour. Wrapping the towels around their waists, they headed to the bedroom. Kole grabbed the TV remote from the bedside table and climbed into bed, dropping the towel to the floor without a care in the world, so Beck did the same, though he put the towel over the back of the wooden chair near the bed.
Kole snuggled up to his side, and Beck lifted his arm over his shoulder, allowing Kole to rest against his chest. “Any preference?”
“Whatever you want.” Beck’s voice was like gravel, his emotions held tightly in check. He stared at the screen, not seeing what Kole was doing. Instead, he was reliving everything they had done in the kitchen. It was everything he had ever wanted, and nothing he could have because he couldn’t give just anyone that amount of control, and he refused to ruin Kole by giving it to him without knowing how Beck could react. There was no telling what could happen if he did. The one and only time he had allowed someone that close, that deep, had ended with the guy in the hospital. He wouldn’t—couldn’t—do that to Kole. But how could they go back to the way they’d been before?
“This okay?” Kole asked, rubbing his soft cheek against Beck’s chest.
Beck barely glanced at the TV. “Yep.”
Kole threw the remote to the side and snuggled in further, resting his hand on Beck’s stomach with a sigh.
Beck waited for the questions, the delving into what happened, the inquisition. Because it would come. How the hell was he going to explain away his reaction without telling the truth? There was no way he was doing that. He’d buried the secret for twenty-seven years, and he wasn’t planning on breaking that streak.
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