20. Trey
20
Trey
“ I ’m not comfortable sharing my confidential information with someone like you.”
I come home from work with a little bounce in my step. I know Ben and I both had a lot of work today, but I’m excited that we have time for each other tonight. I’m looking forward to just being with him. I’ve also been imagining lots of physical things I want to do with him, and I am pumped. I bet he has a list, too.
That high bursts like an over-inflated balloon less than a minute after I get home.
Ben is on a call with someone, and I hear him reference his boyfriend. I like it. I can’t think of a time when anyone called me that. The warm voice that Ben uses when he says it feels as good as his hands on my skin.
Then I hear the other person say, "Woke shit."
I stay long enough to see that Ben is shocked silent, and the person on the computer screen no longer wants Ben to work for him before I can’t stand it. I run upstairs and grab my backpack, stuffing a couple of things into it. I need to go. I just cost Ben a job – who knows how many jobs. Would this guy contact other clients and get them to fire Ben, too?! – and it was my fault that asshole shouted at him. Ben doesn’t deserve that. Ben is a wonderful, amazing man who doesn’t deserve any of that. The woman at the grocery store last night was bad, but I wasn’t even sure if he had heard it. This was too much. I’m not worth bringing this kind of trouble into his life.
I head downstairs again, and I’m almost out the door when Daisy rushes me. I don’t want to let her out on her own, so I close the door quickly and far more loudly than I intended to. I wince, but there was nothing for it. I’m almost to my car when Daisy and Della bound past me, trying to get me to stop and give them pets.
I do stop, but I only hang my head. “Ben,” I say because I know he is standing on the porch.
“Where are you going?” he asks, his voice far smaller than I’ve ever heard it. It makes my throat ache, but I swallow and force myself to speak normally.
“I heard what happened. I’m sorry it came to that with your client. I should go. I don’t want to cause more trouble for you.” I can’t bring myself to turn and look into his face.
“You didn’t cause trouble. I wouldn’t want to work for someone like that anyway,” Ben says, and I hear footsteps behind me. I do turn then, and I wish I hadn’t. He looks crushed.
“You don’t deserve this, Ben. I’m sorry.” I shake my head and turn away, getting into my car. I pull out of the driveway, resolutely not looking in the rearview mirror.
***
I wish I could call Mandy, but this is definitely not something I can bring to her. Once Ben tells her what happened, she’ll choose him. The realization hurts a little, but I am okay with it. That’s how it should be. He’s her dad; he should be her first priority. Besides, I want him to have that support.
I call a friend I work with at the shelter, and he says I can crash on his sofa for a couple of nights while I sort out what I’m going to do. My mind races as I drive toward town, thinking about what I’m going to do for the rest of the summer. I’ve put away most of my paychecks, and I wonder if it would be enough for a security deposit yet. I had hoped to save another month before I started looking, but…
Ha, a voice in my head mocks. You wanted to stay with Ben forever.
I clench my jaw. I hadn’t actually admitted that to myself, but now that it was no longer a possibility, I had to acknowledge that, yes, that was what I really wanted to do.
I laugh hollowly at myself. This was far from the first time my happy ending – or at least my happy for now – had been stolen away from me, but at least this time, I have a job, a plan, and savings. I would be okay. I had to be.
***
My friend Holden lets me in and tosses a pillow and blanket onto his sofa. His apartment is small and a little messy, and the sofa creaks when I sit on it, but I’m grateful that he said yes with no questions asked. We work a couple of the same shifts and he spotted the book I had with me to read on break and told me he was waiting for the newest one by the same writer, and somehow I had made another friend.
Holden brings a styrofoam cup of ramen out of the kitchen and sits down next to me. “Breakup?” he asks, and I look at him in surprise. He grins. “Look, I seen that fresh-fucked swagger lately, that only means one thing. And then all of a sudden, you’re on my couch with a backpack and a hang-dog look. I’m not as dumb as I look, man.” He hands me the soup. “I’m not much of a cook, but I figure you need something.”
I smile at his effort. “Thanks. You’re right; it was a breakup. Well, actually, I just told him he was better off without me.”
“He is, huh? Why?” Holden asks, leaning back into the sofa and regarding me steadily.
“Because he got fired by one of his clients for dating me today. He’s bi-curious and too sweet and innocent for his own good. He doesn’t need me fucking up his life for him.” I stir the soup, looking at the steaming liquid rather than at Holden.
Holden frowns. “Bi-curious? You mean, like, he’s never been with a guy before?”
“Yeah,” I reply, still stirring the soup.
“And that means… he should go back to women where it’s easier?” Holden asks.
I still. The actual words hit me like a punch. That’s exactly what I had meant, though, wasn’t it? I have no qualms about being who I am. I’m proud of my place in the rainbow collective but for Ben… I felt like he needed to be sheltered from the less-than-pleasant parts of it. He was too sweet. I didn’t want him to have to deal with the people who hated us for who we loved.
Holden hums. “Did he agree?”
I remember the heartbroken look, then shake my head to will it away. “He will,” I say.