Chapter Forty-Two
KIT
Avolley of sharp knocks on the cottage’s back door snapped me from a tearful doze. Kat hissed when my fingers dug a millimetre further into her fur than was permitted, then leapt off my lap.
I tucked my knees into my chest and rested my head on the cat hair covered blanket.
Lucas wouldn’t knock. That meant whoever was at the door was someone I wasn’t interested in interacting with.
Whether Lucas returned with a viable explanation for his long absence, which felt like a dwindling possibility as each minute passed, or to ditch me just like everyone else I’d been intimate with, he was the only person I wanted to talk to.
I needed to know what was going on between us before I bared myself to the world once more.
In my sad state, I forgot there was a small group of people on the island who would knock but then barge into my cottage.
‘Kit?’ Louisa called up the stairs.
I rubbed my face on the blanket as she thumped towards me, attempting to make myself look marginally less pathetic. Judging by the expression on her perfectly made-up face when she caught sight of me, I was pretty sure that all I’d done was redistribute hours of tears and cat hair across my skin.
‘What’s happened?’ Louisa rushed over to the sofa. Uncaring about the fur and snot that would smear across her navy-blue jumpsuit if she came too close, she hauled back the blankets and tucked into my side.
I didn’t fight the fresh surge of tears that toppled over my lashes as I wound my arms around her. Nothing was magically solved, but I felt better curled up with her.
‘I’ve messed everything up, Lou.’
‘Oh, Kitten.’ She tightened her arms. ‘That’s not true. I still fucking love you to teeny tiny bits, so at least one thing is alright.’
I snorted, my nose too blocked for any other expression of reluctant mirth. ‘That’s true.’
Louisa held me while she waited for me to find the words to explain. They didn’t flow quite as easily as they would have with Lucas, but before he arrived on the island I’d made do with struggling. I could do it again, if that was all I was left with.
‘Lucas came down from the mountains yesterday.’
Louisa stilled, then leant back to frown at me. ‘But he’s not here anymore?’
I pressed my lips together and shook my head. I would be embarrassed when she raised her head and sniffed, but her scenting out the mingled smells of me and Lucas and everything we’d done was better than trying to tell her.
Her eyes widened. ‘His homecoming was well celebrated?’
I wondered if she was involved in the betting pool. Maybe it was just Bonnie. Without Joshua’s twin on the island, she had precious few people who would go along with her arsehole antics.
‘Everything was perfect.’ I looked down at the lumpy blanket, not sure which of the soft mounds was caused by myself or Louisa. ‘But then I woke up this morning.’ I closed my eyes to avoid the pity splashed across her face. ‘He was gone.’
I didn’t need to share the nitty gritty details for her to understand that waking up alone was less than ideal.
I didn’t want to unpack how many times this had happened before, how often I’d allowed myself to believe meaningless pillow talk, that Lucas was at the end of a long line of people who’d proven time and time again that I was only ever the guy people fucked once, not the one they ended up with.
‘Bastard,’ Louisa growled. ‘How dare he not realise what an absolute fucking catch you are?’
Her smoky anger filled my lungs, strengthening me. I’d not been mad at Lucas. He’d just done what everyone else had and left me. I hadn’t even seen it as his fault.
The borrowed anger fizzled out. I wasn’t cross at Lucas. I was sad. I’d so desperately wanted this time to be different.
‘Don’t be angry at him.’ I snuggled into Louisa, like I could squeeze the anger out of her. ‘He was probably just overwhelmed by being a wolf.’
I wouldn’t reveal what Lucas had said about not liking kissing before, even if that might be the reason he’d fallen into a night of closeness with me then fled. If he hadn’t even told Aster, then it wasn’t a secret he wanted blabbed around.
No part of me wanted to shout his confession from the cottage rooftop to get back at him. Lucas might not want me in the way I wanted him, but he was still my friend.
Louisa growled. ‘He’s not living here with you if he’s going to hurt you.’
Her words speared through my chest. Not because they were wrong. They might feel that way, but I could recognise self-destructive behaviours in at least some areas of my life.
‘Maybe it would be better if he didn’t live here for a while,’ I conceded. A fresh crop of tears dribbled down my salt-coated cheeks. ‘Just until I get used to him being my pack-mate and friend, rather than anything else.’
Louisa tugged me close to her ample chest and wiggled me back and forth like an inconveniently bony rag doll. ‘I’m going to snuggle you every day until you stop being sad about someone who doesn’t deserve you and start dating someone who gets how epically fucking awesome you are.’
‘Thanks, Lou.’ I didn’t bother correcting her. Lucas was the final straw. I wasn’t going to delude myself into thinking anyone else in the world wanted to be with me.
Why is only Errol in my house when this is supposed to be a pack meal?
Louisa and I winced at Bonnie’s harsh voice through the connection between us. We were only supposed to use it in emergencies, but apparently lateness to lunch counted.
‘I’ll go.’ Louisa extracted herself from my arms and the blanket. She stood, her jumpsuit miraculously free of snot and cat hair. ‘I’ll stall for you because this.’ She pointed at my face. ‘Needs a warm shower before anyone else sees it.’
I shucked off the blanket. My legs wobbled like a stack of poorly balanced books as I stood beside her. ‘Sorry if Bonnie is extra dickish to you because I’m late.’
Louisa laughed, throwing her ginger curls over one shoulder as she walked to the top of the stairs. ‘Like I can’t handle anything that crone throws at me.’
I shot her a smile that I could feel didn’t reach my eyes, then she was down the stairs and slamming out of the cottage.
Alone again, I heaved a sigh. I hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone but Lucas, but Louisa was a good second choice.
I didn’t feel any less like my heart had been kicked repeatedly by an angry toddler, but at least I knew I had someone in my corner.
She loved me. That meant a lot, even if I would always long for something more.
I shook my head and walked over to the other set of stairs. My feet dragged as I climbed, but I forced myself to keep moving. I couldn’t fall into a pit of despair again. I had to get clean, dressed, and over to Bonnie and Joshua’s before she shouted at me in my head.
Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I knew I wouldn’t always feel this bad. I’d recovered from heartbreak before. I hadn’t been so drawn in by anyone else, but Lucas would be gotten over like all the others.
He wasn’t special, not in this at least. He’d hurt me in the same way as everyone else.
It didn’t matter that this time the sting was burning, that the ache in my chest was bruising.