Chapter 21 Stassi
STASSI
The walk back inside feels endless, my hand still gripping Theo's as we walk toward the playroom.
"He's really into dinosaurs right now," I say to Theo, not sure why I'm keeping my voice so low. "And blue is his favorite color. He doesn't like when his food touches. He sleeps with a night light. He—"
"Stassi," Theo cuts me off. "You don't have to cram three and a half years of knowledge into thirty seconds. We'll have time now."
I nod. He's right.
"Sorry, I'm just nervous," I say.
He looks down at me. "It's okay. So am I."
We reach the doorway. Xander is sitting exactly where I left him, intensely focused on his coloring book. Sunlight catches in his dark hair, highlighting the same hints of chestnut that Theo's has in summer.
Theo stops. His hand tightens around mine, a painful squeeze that I welcome because it means he hasn't let go. I feel his breath change. His free hand twitches at his side, curling and uncurling.
He doesn't speak. Doesn't move. He just looks. Like something in him broke, and something else began to rebuild.
I glance up at his face and see the muscles in his jaw flex. I've known Theo long enough to recognize when he's overwhelmed.
"Xander," I say softly, breaking the silence.
Xander's head snaps up, crayon still pressed to paper. When he sees Theo, he immediately scoots backward, dropping his crayon.
I gently release my hand from Theo's and walk over to our son, kneeling beside him. I place my hand on his small back and rub in small circles.
"Baby" I say, trying to keep my tone light, though my heart pounds so hard I'm sure Theo can hear it.
Xander’s eyes go between me and Theo.
"This is your daddy," I say and motion toward Theo. I gently take Xander's hand and we stand up. "He’s really excited to meet you."
Theo remains still as stone in the doorway. But his eyes are anything but cold.
Xander says nothing. He clutches his dinosaur drawing against his chest like a shield, his small fingers crinkling the paper.
I watch both of them, tension building in my throat until I can barely swallow. Three heartbeats trapped in the same moment, none of us knowing how to move forward.
Finally, Theo takes a single step forward. Then another. He moves slowly, like he's afraid to frighten us. When he's about ten feet away, he crouches down to Xander's eye level, balancing on the balls of his feet.
"Hello, Xander." His voice is soft. "My name is Theodore, but everyone calls me Theo. I'm..." He pauses, the word getting caught somewhere between his brain and his mouth. "I'm your dad."
Xander shifts slightly, moving behind me and peeking around, one hand clutching my shirt, the other still holding his drawing.
"He's shy," I explain unnecessarily. "He's usually not this quiet. Are you, baby?"
Xander shakes his head but doesn't speak.
The tension is unbearable. I want to push them together, force this moment to happen, make it perfect somehow—but I know I can't. This has to unfold in its own way, at its own pace.
"That's a nice drawing," Theo says, nodding toward the crumpled paper in Xander's hand. "What did you make?"
Xander glances down at his drawing, then back up at Theo. "T-Rex," he mumbles, so quietly I barely hear him.
"T-Rex," Theo repeats. "Wow, I like dinosaurs too."
Xander's grip on my shirt loosens just slightly. "You do?"
Theo nods, his eyes never leaving Xander's face. "I had dinosaur toys when I was your age. My favorite was the Brachiosaurus."
Xander's eyes narrow. "huh?"
Theo lets out a small laugh that I can't tell is from nerves or genuine humor. "It's the dinosaur with the really long neck."
"Oh!" Xander's eyes widen. "I have a long neck. It's blue."
"Blue is a good color for him," Theo agrees, the corner of his mouth lifting into a smile.
I watch this exchange with my emotions in my throat. They're circling each other, these two pieces of my heart, searching for common ground.
"Want to see my dinosaurs?" Xander asks, his voice gaining confidence.
Theo's smile grows more genuine. "I'd like that very much."
Xander looks up at me, seeking permission. I nod, trying to keep my expression steady despite the tears threatening to spill over.
"In my room," Xander says, slipping out from behind me but staying close. "Come too, Mommy."
Theo rises to his full height and nods to Xander. "Lead the way, buddy."
Xander takes a few tentative steps toward the hallway, then pauses and looks back at Theo.
"Why don't you hold your dad's hand too?" I ask, maybe jumping the gun but also curious what he'll do.
Xander hesitates, then extends his hand.
Theo stares at that small outstretched hand for a moment and then, with a slight tremor in his fingers, gently wraps his hand around Xander's.
"Your hand is big," Xander observes, looking down at their joined hands.
"You'll have big hands too, when you grow up," Theo tells him.
Xander seems to consider this. "Like you?"
"Yes," Theo says. "Like me."
The three of us walk into the room and I hang back by the door while Xander relaxes and starts showing Theo all his dinosaurs.
Theo listens with such intensity I don't think he could hear me scream his name.
The world—his world—only contains Xander in it right now, and that's something I never thought I'd see.
I smile. It's funny.
Xander's a little nervous. And so is Theo. And so am I. We're all pretending not to shatter.
But maybe we don't need to be whole to be a family just yet. Maybe it's enough that we're all here, trying to put the pieces back together.
After Xander shows him all his dinosaurs, he looks around for me. Once he sees me, he looks up at Theo.
"You my real dad?"
Theo nods. "Yes, I am."
"And no more sick?"
"No. Now I get to spend a lot of time with you."
"And Mommy?"
The question forces me to stiffen up and I look at Theo as he looks at me, answering, "I sure hope so."
I can't stop it this time.
Warm tears roll down my face.
Xander's face turns to concern.
"Happy tears, baby," I say, smiling and wiping them away.
"Okay, Mommy," Xander says, and then looks at Theo. "I'm hungry."
"Oh, uh," Theo says and looks at me as if he was just asked the most serious question imaginable.
"Okay, let's go see what we've got," I say, and the three of us walk out into the kitchen together—as a family.