27 The Right Thing #2
I tossed the other clothes in the closet and closed it.
Jack was lying down now, but he’d obediently kept his eyes shut.
I tried a few different poses, but they were all awkward and uncomfortable.
So I tried new ones and didn’t like them any better.
He told me he could hear me moving around the room, and that he wasn’t sure how much longer his curiosity could hold out.
“Shut up and don’t look,” I told him.
“You’re not preparing to murder me, are you?”
“Only if you keep talking.”
He laughed. He was enjoying this. Finally I gave up and just stood there, arms slack at my sides, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I took a deep breath and said, “OK, you can open your eyes.”
He did, and turned. For a few horrible seconds that seemed like they would never end, he looked at me without uttering a word. I tried not to cover myself with my hands, but that got harder and harder for me the longer he stared. Never before had I felt so exposed.
“So…?” I asked.
With one last head-to-toe glance, he said, “Fuuuuck.”
“Is that a good fuck or a bad fuck ?” I asked.
“Just fuck…” he replied. When he’d recovered from the initial shock, he asked, “Can you please tell me how long you’ve had that and why it is you’ve never worn it before?”
“I was waiting for a special occasion!”
“Every day you put that on is a special occasion in my book,” he said. “Now get over here.”
I didn’t dare to look at him as I approached. He sat me on his lap, touched my knee, touched the seam of my bra.
“New tradition,” he said. “From now on, every year we’re going to celebrate Christmas after New Year’s, and it’s always going to end like this.”
After a week settled into the apartment, with everything back to normal, I’d completely forgotten about France. I was running in the mornings again, and Jack was complaining about Mike. It was almost as if we’d never left.
One night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV.
Jack was out with some of his classmates, Sue was eating junk food and watching TV, and Will and Naya were being cheesy the way they always did.
Mike supposedly had a new friend with benefits so he was out, and that meant I had a whole couch to myself.
Sue went to bed early, as did Will and Naya, and I decided to stay up watching TV so I wouldn’t have to hear them moaning and groaning.
When I thought the danger was past, I decided to go to the bedroom.
I wasn’t going to wait up for Jack. He’d wake me when he got in.
But on my way, I saw a folded piece of paper on the counter covered up by a couple of notebooks.
For some reason, I decided to pull it out, and my indifference gave way to intrigue as I saw it was Jack’s letter to the program in France telling them he wouldn’t be attending.
I couldn’t help but read it. While I appreciate the offer, for personal reasons I find myself unable to attend… I frowned and put it back carefully, so no one would notice I’d touched it. And I almost had a heart attack when I looked up and saw Will standing there watching me.
“You’re not supposed to go looking around in other people’s things, Jenna,” he said.
“Don’t tell Jack, please.”
“I won’t. I’m assuming it’s the letter to the French program.”
I nodded, and he continued, “It’s a hell of an offer he’s turning down. Why do you look so sad?”
Instead of answering, I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself.
Everything I’d tried to ignore in recent days came crashing over me like a gigantic wave.
I was sure Will was just making light of the situation when he called it a hell of an offer , but it made me feel like the worst person in the world.
He came closer to me and asked, “Jenna, seriously, what’s wrong? ”
I sat on the couch, and he followed me and started rubbing my back. When I felt I could get the words out, I asked, “Do you think he’s making a mistake?”
He hesitated. And as he waited to respond, his hand froze, and I knew that was exactly what he thought.
“Jenna, what do you want me to say? It’s a massive opportunity, and his life’s dream is to be a movie director.”
“And it’s my fault he said no.”
“Jenna, you can’t worry about it. Jack is the hardest-headed guy I know. He made his choice, and he’s not changing his mind.”
“But what if he’s wrong?” I asked. “If I wasn’t here, he’d go. There’s no doubt about it, right?”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking,” he said, “but I can promise you that the solution isn’t…”
“Will!” I cut him off. “Look me in the eyes right now and swear to me that he can still live his dream if he doesn’t go to that school.”
“I can’t do that, Jenna. I don’t know. It’s his dream, but there are lots of ways to fulfill your dream.
I don’t know how important it is, I don’t know anything about film directing.
All I can tell you is what Jack said, and before he met you, that program was an obsession for him.
But he has you now, and if he’s made the choice he’s made, it’s because you matter even more to him. ”
“But look at all he’s done for me,” I said. “He changed his whole life for me at the drop of a hat. He gave up so much already. Can I really just let him give up his dream, his childhood dream?”
“Jenna, what about all the things you’ve done for him?”
“What have I done for him, Will? What, exactly? Sure, maybe we have some laughs, maybe he got over whatever was wrong with him when he was with Lana, but you can’t compare that.
It took me months just to give up my stupid ex-boyfriend, and you’re telling me I shouldn’t worry about getting him to give up his life’s dream? ”
“But Jenna, the decision’s been made. What are you going to do, leave him so he won’t send the letter? He’d be destroyed.”
“Maybe that is what I’m going to do,” I said. “Maybe that’s what’s right.”
“No, Jenna. You need to talk to him. He’ll…”
“I know what he’ll do. He’ll say no. He’ll say I’m all that matters, and he’ll stay here.”
“He loves you,” Will said.
“You think I don’t know that? And he means the world to me, and that’s why I need him to do what’s best for him.
I’m his girlfriend, not his wife. And I’m eighteen years old.
Imagine things go bad, imagine if we break up in a year or two, and then he’s given up something that might have changed his entire life for nothing. For just another relationship.”
“It’s not nothing,” Will protested. “It will never be nothing.”
“You don’t know that, Will.”
“What if you went with him?”
This was ridiculous. He knew I couldn’t just buy a plane ticket to France.
How would I support myself? What would I do there?
I’d been planning on looking for a job, trying to pay for painting lessons.
If I went with Jack I’d just be in the way.
And I couldn’t owe him more money. I tried to tell Will all this, but I don’t think he understood.
I told him I had a job offer back home, that I could save up and pay for painting classes for myself.
That if I went with him, I’d just be a bother.
He tried to protest that we could find a way, but I didn’t want to hear it so I told him not to say anything.
He was about to fire back when we heard the keys in the lock, and Jack walked in with his usual, indomitable smile.
“What are you two conspiring about?” he asked.
He didn’t wait for an answer before kissing me, tossing his jacket into the armchair, and dropping his keys on the bar. I looked at Will again. His expression was somber.
As Jack announced he was going to change clothes, Will shook his head and told me, “You’re going to destroy him.”
“Maybe. But if I do it now, he might understand why.”
“You’re the one who doesn’t understand,” Will said. “You don’t know him like I do. I’m not sure he’ll be able to get over this. Please! What can I say to change your mind?”
When I didn’t answer, he knew there were no options left, but still he begged me, “Just wait till tomorrow. Spend tonight with him. Maybe you’ll reconsider.
If you still feel like it tomorrow, fine, break up with him.
But think about it first. Think long and hard about what the consequences could be. ”
“Fine,” I said.
I stood up and walked down the hall. But I didn’t make it far before I heard Will say, “Hey.” I turned back. He was observing me with a sad smile, and he said, “You know you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him, right? That’s all. I just needed you to know that.”
I walked to the bedroom. Jack was in there shirtless in a pair of sweatpants, lying on the bed and looking at his phone. He put it down when he saw me walk in. He could tell something was wrong, and his smile vanished as he asked, “What’s up?”
“Naya put on that movie about the dog that stays there waiting for its dead owner and it made me sad,” I lied.
I’d been preparing myself for this moment mentally, but now I was flaking.
I did learn one thing in that moment, though.
I learned I really could lie to him if I needed to and not get caught.
“Well, come here. Let’s make those bad feelings disappear.”
I grinned and curled up next to him, and he turned off the light and slid down so my head was resting on his chest. As he stroked my back, he asked, “Better?” I nodded.
“We could adopt a little dog if you like,” he said. “I’ve always wanted one. We could call him Biscuit Two. In honor of your dog at home.”
“Biscuit’s not dead, you know.”
“It’s not that. It’s just like…you know how rich people keep a separate wardrobe in all their different homes? Same thing, he’ll just be the Biscuit you have here.”
I grinned, but I wanted to cry. He kept stroking my back.
“Or maybe a cat would be better. Cats are more independent. What do you say? Dog? Cat? Two-headed dragon?”
I sat up, and in the dark I could just barely see his eyebrow lifting as he waited for an answer. “A dragon sounds good,” I said.
“Then a dragon it is. But let me warn you: you’re the one who has to clean up after it.”
“Sure,” I said, staring up and opening his lips with mine. As our tongues touched, he reached up and felt my hair.
I let him lay me on my back. He could tell I was sad, but I think he still assumed it was the movie.
He was calm and tender in a way he never had been.
He kissed the tip of my nose, grinned, pulled up my shirt.
I closed my eyes as our bodies touched. He was taking his time, and it was so soft, so caring, that I wished it would last forever.
We’d never shared a night like that. Our kisses, our caresses, our expressions, our whispers…
all of it was surrounded by an aura of goodbyes.
I knew why, of course. I could feel myself trying to memorize every second of it in case it never happened again, but Jack…
What was Jack sad about? Maybe he wasn’t, maybe he was just so deeply in tune with me that he felt what I felt, and each of those kisses—on my eyelids, on my temples, on my breasts—was an attempt to wipe away my sorrow.
He knew I needed him to hold me, and when we were finished, he pulled me close, clutching me the exact same way he did the first time we’d ever shared a bed.
My head lay on his chest as he slept, and after an hour passed, I knew I’d be awake till morning.
I closed my eyes as I felt the tears emerge.
He shifted only slightly, pinching the little space between his eyebrows, when I sat up.
Then his forehead smoothed. He looked so calm when he slept…
I ran a hand over his stomach and up to his chest, felt his heart beating there, always steady. His skin was warm. His neck was warm, his lips were soft and perfect. He murmured something in the middle of his dreams.
And that was when I knew it.
It was as if that intuition had always been there, but I hadn’t dared to think it. Because I was scared. Terrified. But that terror was stupid now.
“I love you,” I whispered.
I’d never said it aloud to a guy, but then, I’d never felt it before. And it was like a stone being lifted off of me. I wiped away a tear and breathed in deeply. I loved him. I had loved him as long as I’d known him, and now it was more real than ever.
And that’s why I had to do what I was going to do.
Again, I put a hand on his heart.
“I love you, Jack. So, so much,” I whispered. “And a day will come when we’ll look back on this and laugh. I know it. I just hope…that for now you can understand.”
I lifted my hand, clenching it into a fist as though I had gathered some of his warmth and could trap it there, hold on to it, if only for a moment.
Then I stood and grabbed my phone, dialing Shannon’s number as I left the room.