28 The Final Decision
The Final Decision
I went to sleep in the dorm.
I had Naya’s spare key and I’d managed to sneak past Chris, who was totally absorbed in some game on his phone.
They hadn’t placed anyone in Naya’s room, so my bed was still free.
It was cold and empty without him. I was.
Everything was without Jack’s warm body in my arms. And the worst thing was, I’d done this to myself.
When the sun rose, I looked at my suitcase. I’d been crying all night, and it was time for me to go. I looked at my phone. Shannon would be there in fifteen minutes. I’d go back home, the way Mom had wanted, the way I’d sworn to myself I wouldn’t…and it would all be over.
It’s not too late to go back , I told myself.
I shook my head and rubbed my face.
It was too late.
It’s not too late. Maybe he hasn’t woken up yet. Go back, go back while there’s still time.
I stood, trying to turn off my brain and those thoughts, and walked to the bathroom, where I saw myself in the mirror looking like hell, eyes and lips swollen, pale.
A walking corpse. I washed my face with cold water, thinking maybe I could make myself react.
Was Jack up yet? Of course he was. Had he read the note I’d left him?
Just the thought of it made me want to cry.
That damned note. I didn’t even want to think about what I’d written.
I was a coward. I couldn’t bear to tell him what I had to say to his face.
I prayed—the gutless part of me prayed—that he wouldn’t see it till I was halfway home.
I couldn’t stand the thought of him showing up before I’d gone, of having to tell him everything to his face. And of course he’d know I was lying.
I rubbed my cheeks, trying to get some color in them, and looked back into the mirror.
You’re an idiot, you know? my brain told me.
“Yes, I know,” I murmured aloud.
Then I heard a knock. I froze. Could it be him?
I walked to the door with my heart in my throat, but before I could grab the knob, it flew open. My entire body tensed. It was Naya. OK. I was OK. I could breathe. Naya stared at me in shock and said, “What happened? Jesus, Jenna, what happened? Tell me!”
“Nothing,” I said. “Is Jack up?”
“He wasn’t when I left. But Will told me you were gone, and he wouldn’t say any more. Why, Jenna? Why did you leave?”
I could have asked myself that same question. But what would I have answered? I tried to concentrate on the steps still to take. Ten minutes. In ten minutes Shannon would be there. I would walk downstairs, get in her car, and it would all be over.
“Jenna, are you going to talk to me?”
“I don’t know, Naya. It’s complicated.”
“Are you going?” Her eyes filled with tears as I nodded, and she said, “No! You can’t! I don’t know what’s going on, but there’s got to be a solution. I love you, Jenna! You’re my best friend. You can’t go!”
“I’m sorry,” I said. She hugged me, and I hugged her back, just barely managing to hold myself together.
“Stay,” she said. “These things, they always seem like such a big deal, but you get through them, you always do, and Jack’s someone who…”
“Naya, it’s not Jack. He didn’t do anything. I’m just going home. I have to. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”
“So fast, though? Did something happen last night?”
“I told you, it’s complicated.”
That wasn’t going to work for her, and she started to argue with me, but a pounding on the door and Jack’s voice calling my name startled both of us. “Open the door!” he shouted.
Oh no. Naya looked at me, I was literally shaking. “I can’t see him,” I told her.
Naya looked at me and nodded, and cracked the door, telling Jack, “She’s not…”
But he warned her to stand back. It would have been useless for her to try to resist him.
When he came in, he looked mad: breathing labored, hair sticking out in all directions, eyes lost. He looked at the bed and my suitcase, then at me, and in the dense silence, Naya said, “I’m going to go back downstairs. Will and Sue are waiting on me.”
I felt my heart break as she shut the door. Jack struggled to find the words to express his shock: “What…what… I don’t understand. You’re going?”
I hesitated, then said, “Yes,” in the firmest voice I could muster.
“Why? What happened?”
“I just need to.”
“But last night…like…wasn’t it good for you?”
I didn’t answer. He ran a hand through his hair, his mind going a mile a minute, and then he continued, “No. You can’t. I don’t know what happened, but you can’t just go like that. Why? What did I do wrong?”
He cupped my face, trying to see if I was lying to him. But I had thought this through, and I was determined to keep my feelings hidden.
“It’s not you, Jack. I just want to go home.”
“Whatever it is, Jen, I’ll make it up to you, just tell me. Anything. I don’t care…”
“Jack, I don’t want to be with you anymore,” I said, cutting him off.
He hesitated, then stepped back. “What?”
“I can’t keep doing this.” My voice was quivering. “I can’t. I can’t live with you, Jack. It’s too much. I don’t want to. I want to go home.”
“This is your home.”
“It’s not. The apartment is your home. Not mine. None of this is me, Jack. None of this is my world.”
“But you are my world,” he told me.
That cut me like a knife, and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I shook my head and said, “I need to go.”
“You don’t! Stay! Just stay awhile longer. I’ll sleep on the couch. I don’t care. Give me the chance to make it up to you.”
“No. I had a deal with my mother. She told me if December came and I wanted to go back…”
“Jen, December’s over.”
“Exactly. And that means everything that happened before December is the past.”
Silence. He tried to open his lips, closed them again, looked at me. His hands were shaking.
“Don’t leave me,” he begged.
Don’t do this to me, Jack.
“Don’t leave me,” he said again, taking my hand. “I love you, Jen. I haven’t been sure of too many things in my life, but I’m sure of this. Stay with me, please. If you want to come back to the dorm, do that. If you need space, I get it. You don’t have to just walk out on me and disappear to…”
“Jack,” I said, looking away, but he grabbed my chin and turned me back toward him.
“Is it something I said? Did I hurt you somehow? If I did, I swear I didn’t know…”
He wouldn’t stop, he kept asking what he’d done wrong, and seeing him so innocent, so ready to do everything for me, I could feel my resistance evaporating, and I had to do something. So I shouted before I could realize what I was doing, “I’m back with Monty!”
He froze, looking exactly like a statue, and only after a few seconds did he manage to ask, “What?”
“We were together before I even came here. And I’ve realized I miss him. And that’s why I’m going back. I’ll tell the police everything’s OK. I’ll get them to drop the restraining order. I know now he’s the guy I’m meant to be with. I’m sorry, Jack.”
“But you never said… I thought…”
“You must have realized something when you told me you loved me and I didn’t say anything back.”
He let my hand go, and my phone buzzed. My sister. She was waiting for me downstairs. Jack was staring at me, trying to see some hint that I was lying. But there were none. I had readied myself for this throughout my sleepless night.
“I’ve got to go,” I told him. “I’m sorry.”
He watched me as though he were looking at a stranger as I passed by him, grabbing my suitcase and wiping away a tear before he could notice. I took a deep breath and walked toward the door. Only then did he grab my wrist and force me to turn around.
“Are you in love with him?” he asked.
I swallowed and tried to get down the knot in my throat as I told the worst lie of my life: “I’ve always been in love with him.”
He let me go and turned his back to me, and I turned my back to him.
I didn’t want to see him, and I didn’t want him to see me cry.
I wiped my face with my sweater and walked out the door.
Each step was torture. My instincts were screaming at me to turn around, to run back to him.
I didn’t listen to them, and I didn’t do it.
I walked downstairs and saw Chris staring at me.
Neither of us said anything. I couldn’t; I needed to get out of there as soon as possible.
He looked down, and I turned quickly to make sure Jack hadn’t followed me.
Outside, I saw Shannon talking with Will, Sue, and Naya beside her car.
They stared at me, my sister sighed. She knew everything.
She and Will were the only ones. Sue and Naya were completely in the dark.
“Oh, Jenna,” Shannon said, “do you want…?”
“I just want to go.”
She grabbed my suitcase and put it in the trunk of her car. I looked back at the dorm. Why did I keep turning around as if I wanted him to run out and stop me? I’d just broken his heart. Of course he wasn’t coming out.
“I can’t believe you’re going,” Naya said.
She hugged me, and I tried not to break down. Even Sue looked sad and confused, and asked, “Are you sure about this?” I nodded.
“Fuck,” she murmured, and gave me a quick hug. I heard her sniffling and asked, “Sue, are you crying?”
“No, I’m not crying, you bitch. You think I care? I don’t like you, I don’t like any of you. Get lost and don’t come back.”
But when she separated from me, I saw her wiping her nose and looking away. I squeezed her shoulder and grinned as much as I could, telling her, “I’ll miss you, too, Sue.”
Will hugged me tight and whispered, “I sure as hell hope you’re doing the right thing.”
“Just make sure he goes to that school,” I said softly.
He nodded and looked at me sadly. I don’t think I’d ever seen him sad. “Take care of yourself,” he told me, and I responded, “You take care of him.”
And that was it. I looked back at the dorm. It looked like an empty shell. Shannon was already waiting for me in her car. As soon as I sat next to her and put on my seat belt, I knew the tears would start falling. I could feel her looking at me. I rubbed my eyes in frustration.
“Jenna…”
“Not now,” I said softly.
“Yes, now,” she said firmly. “Do you really know what you’re doing?”
“I’m doing what I think is right,” I mumbled.
“Listen,” she said. “I always tell you the truth. Even when you don’t want to hear it. And this time is no exception. You’re making a mistake.”
“I’m not.”
“You are, Jenna. If you don’t get out of this car right now, you’re going to regret it. You and I both know it.”
“And what if I get out and I still regret it?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she confessed.
I tried to stop crying, but I couldn’t.
Just then, I saw movement near the entrance to the dorm. It was Jack. He walked out with the saddest expression I’d ever seen. We looked at each other for a moment. I was far away, but I knew he knew I was looking at him.
“Jenna,” Shannon said, “it’s not too late yet. You can get out right now and tell him the truth. I’m sure he’ll understand. You can act like this never happened.”
I took a breath and grabbed the door handle.
Jack was looking at me, imploring me with his eyes to stay with him.
My heart was pounding, telling me he was right, telling me I needed to stay.
I could even see myself getting out, running to him, telling him everything.
Telling him I loved him. Telling him I’d never wanted to leave his side.
Telling him that the months I’d spent with him had taught me things I’d never thought I’d learn.
But then I remembered I was doing this because I loved him. Because I needed him to do what I knew would make him happy, even if that meant that I wouldn’t be a part of his life and that something would shatter inside me that I would never be able to repair.
Shannon looked at me. “Jenna, you know I’ll support you in whatever you decide to do, but…don’t do something you’re going to regret. Please.”
I looked at my hands. Shaking. My whole body was shaking.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t stay.
“ Sometimes we have to sacrifice things for love. Because we love the other person more than ourselves. Because we want the best for them. And once you find yourselves in that situation, it’s hard to turn back. ”
That was what Mr. Ross said. And he was right. It was hard.
I closed my eyes and let go of the door handle.
When I reopened them, I didn’t dare to look at him. I couldn’t. I just stared straight ahead.
Shannon watched me, then nodded, as though she understood everything in that moment.
“Ready to go home?” she asked softly.
I fought my impulse to turn away. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I took a deep breath and glanced over at her.
I nodded, certain.
“I’m ready.”