Chapter 30
Iris
When I pull into Ms. Price’s driveway, I sit in the driveway, staring at her house for way too long. The porch is faded from old paint, and a wild assortment of plants is growing up and around it.
I wouldn’t expect anything different.
The letter is open beside me, while my nerves flutter in my stomach. It’s been so long since I’ve seen Ms. Price.
I hope I haven’t let her down.
“Come in,” she says, answering the door before I even knock. She looks older, her fiery red hair turned a bit more gray, but she’s still as cool as she was when I was in high school, with red streaks and paint-stained overalls.
I hope I’m as beautiful as Ms. Price when I’m her age.
Inside, her house is warm and cluttered, put kindly. Art hangs everywhere in all forms, half-finished canvases lean against the walls, and the floor is covered with miscellaneous items.
The smell of chamomile tea drifts from the kitchen, and I get a weird sensation that I’m seventeen again, carrying a sketchbook to her classroom and hoping she’d provide some comfort during those painful days.
I suppose that’s what I’m coming to her for now, too.
She nods to the small table by the window where I sit, playing with my rings anxiously. “You got my note?” she asks, settling into the seat across from me.
“I did. Thank you for inviting me.”
“Don’t thank me, you know you’re always welcome here.” She pours tea into a chipped mug and sets it in front of me, her hands as steady as they’ve always been. “But I’m glad you came.”
She asks me about how my life has changed since I graduated from Rosehill, avoiding the obvious. The rumors, the drama. The entire town having opinions on who I am before they’ve even met me.
I tell her about college, returning to town, Layla.
I even mention Nate.
“You look tired, Iris,” she says, out of the blue, catching onto my thoughts. “Heavy-hearted.”
“I guess I am.” She waits, patient as ever, as I gather my thoughts.
“I was offered a new job out of state.”
I haven’t wanted to say it. To make it real. I can imagine the look on Nate’s face. He was so hurt last night. But it’s always there in the back of my mind.
I’m leaving.
“How do you feel about that?” she asks, her expression giving nothing away.
“I feel awful. But it was stupid to think I could belong here.”
“And why wouldn’t you belong?”
“You know why,” I whisper. “You should see the looks. The emails I still get. It’s been months, but it feels like it was yesterday. I mean, you clearly heard.”
Ms. Price shrugs, like what she heard doesn’t matter. “What about Coach Wesley?”
“He wasn’t happy,” I mumble, looking down at my tea. “He thinks we should still be together.”
She nods, standing without another word. She goes to a cabinet by the window, coming back with a photograph, faded yellow with time. “I want to show you something.”
It’s a young woman, a teenager even, with golden hair and a bright smile, laying a field of flowers. The photo is old, but even still, you can tell that whoever is behind the camera is someone the girl loves dearly.
“That’s Diana,” Ms. Price tells me. “She was the love of my life.”
I look up, wide-eyed, but she keeps her gaze on the picture, with more longing in her eyes than I’ve ever seen.
I never knew Ms. Price had someone.
“It was the summer after we graduated. I thought things between us could work. That somehow, some way, we could be together. But I was a fool. She married a man while I stayed here, longing for someone who never came back.”
“Do you still love her?”
She nods. “I miss her every day. Love doesn’t vanish because someone leaves, Iris.”
Her eyes meet mine with a fierce determination. “I didn’t get to choose to keep Diana. But if I’d had the choice, I’d have chosen love. Even living in Rosehill, knowing the pain it would cause me.”
She sets the photo down and takes both of my hands into hers. “Love isn’t safe, and it isn’t guaranteed forever. But it is everything.”
I swallow, blinking away tears. “Your life doesn’t seem so bad. I’ve always looked up to you, you know.”
“Oh, honey. I’ve got my art and that stubborn old garden. And I loved my students.” Her fingers tighten around mine. “But it’s quiet around here.”
There’s a sadness in her voice that makes me ache for her.
“I’ve lived a lonely life. And sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like if I’d fought harder for us.” She looks back down at the picture. “Don’t spend decades loving someone from afar, Iris. Don’t let fear steal your happiness.”
Her words settle over me as I squeeze her hands back. “Thank you for telling me about Diana.”
She lets out a long breath that seems to carry years of heartbreak with it. “That boy of yours. Nate,” she says, putting the photo away. “He’s a good man.”
I blink, caught off guard. “You think so?”
“I know so. He’s young. He’ll make mistakes. But he’s got a good heart.”
I press my lips together, looking down. “He deserves better.”
“He deserves love,” she corrects. “But so do you. If you’re leaving because it’s what’s right for you, then do it. Leave and never look back. But don’t run because you’re scared.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Then don’t.”
That night, sleep doesn’t come easily, Ms. Price’s words circling through my head until they’re stitched into my brain.
Don’t let fear steal your happiness.
He deserves love, but so do you.
I roll onto my side, yanking the blanket tighter around me. I can still see the way her eyes turned glassy when she talked about Diana. The way she said she was lonely. She’s lived an entire life, and nothing ever filled the space she left behind.
If I were to leave, I would be doing the same thing to Nate.
Because he loves me, no matter what the rest of this town thinks. He loves me, and he wants me to stay, and if that doesn’t matter, what does?
Ms. Price seemed to think it was that simple, and she’s the smartest person I know.
I can’t help but wonder if maybe I’ve been going about it all wrong. If maybe belonging isn’t about whether or not the town accepts me, but more about choosing to stay anyway. Making a place for myself here with my friends and my family, and if someone doesn’t like it?
That’s their problem, not mine.
The thought settles, warm and terrifying all at once, at the enormity of how much I’ve messed things up.
But tomorrow is a new day.
I’ll talk to Nate.
I’ll set things right.
Eventually, exhaustion wins out.
I’m drifting somewhere between sleep and the thought of what I’m going to say to Nate tomorrow, when a sound snaps me awake.
The front door.
I push up on my elbows, squinting at the red glow of the clock on my nightstand. 10:45 p.m. Who would be here this late?
The knocking comes again, louder this time.
I throw the covers back and swing my legs over the side of the bed, glancing down at myself. Plaid pajama shorts and a thin tank top. Not exactly the look I want to greet late-night visitors in, but another knock rattles the door, spiking my adrenaline.
My pulse thuds as my bare feet pad down the hallway.“I’m coming!”
He’s standing in the dim yellow glow of the light, hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket. “Nate?” I ask, my fingers tightening on the edge of the door.
The cool night air sneaks in, while everything unsaid hangs between us. “Can we talk?” I nod, opening the door wider.
He hesitates for half a second before crossing the threshold, the door clicking shut behind him louder than it ever has.
My apartment feels smaller as we face each other in the dim light from the kitchen, with no idea what to say after our fight. But after a long silence, he scoffs, running a hand through his hair. “You gotta be dressed like that when I’m trying to apologize?”
I blink, caught off guard, my heart still pounding. “Excuse me?”
“No, dammit, I didn’t mean it like that. Just, hell, you look good, is all I’m trying to say. Makes a dude forget his words.”
“Oh.” Heat creeps up my neck, and his lips turn up, like he can tell the effect he has on me even now. “I wasn’t expecting anyone,” I mumble, crossing my arms over my chest where my nipples are definitely visible through the thin fabric.
“I know. I shouldn’t have come, but I couldn’t sleep,” he admits, keeping his eyes on my face. “Kept thinking about the other night. How you said you were leaving. And I know you don’t want me anymore, but I—”
“Don’t look at me like that,” I say, guilt hitting me hard at the defeated look on his face.
He frowns. “Like what?”
“Like I broke you.”
His jaw clenches as he looks away. “Kinda feels like you did.”
The words sting, but I nod, my fingers twisting together. “I was scared, Nate. That I would lose everything. And of how much I love you.”
His head lifts at my words, his face lighting up with something that looks like hope, but he doesn’t say anything back.
I swallow, my voice trembling to explain. “I spoke with Ms. Price today about everything. And she seemed to think I was making a terrible mistake. She told me not to let fear steal my happiness, but that’s what I’ve been doing my entire life.”
“I’m not saying what you did was okay,” I continue, my voice becoming steady. “It wasn’t. And you’re not going to do that again.”
He nods immediately, his eyes wider than usual.
“But what I did wasn’t okay either,” I admit, resting a hand on his arm. “I went into this expecting the worst from you. And when you weren’t perfect, I reacted, because I was already bracing for it.”
He shakes his head. “Iris, you gotta know I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to hurt you, that’s the last thing I want.”
“I know you didn’t. And I forgive you. Completely.” I brush my thumb over his cheek, sliding over his day-old stubble. “But you have to understand, things are different now. If you want to be with me…”
I trail off, not wanting to say it, but knowing I have to. “People are going to stare. They’re going to talk. It won’t be like before. No one will cheer when we kiss. They’re going to judge us, call you names.”