19. Mercy
Mercy
Sleepless nights aren’t new for me. After my mom passed away, I would lie awake and pretend she was sitting beside me.
Braiding my hair, watching me draw, singing a lullaby—whatever small comforts I gave myself, I attributed to her.
It worked for the most part. I could pretend that she wasn’t really gone and that everything was still okay.
But tonight, absolutely nothing feels okay.
The ache between my thighs throbs with its own heartbeat, the release Sam inevitably gave me only making my heart hurt even more.
It’s not what I wanted, merely a cheap imitation.
If I’d had my way, he would have taken my virginity—that I finally offered him!
—and held me while we slept until daybreak, the two of us wrapped around each other so that we don’t have to face our demons alone.
I shut my eyes and cover my ears, but nothing drowns out their screams.
You’re so pathetic that even your best friend won’t sleep with you. He got you off so that you’d shut up about it.
Reaper’s only interested in you because you’re a virgin. As soon as you give it up, he’ll disappear, just like Sam.
Zane doesn’t want you — he’s priming you to take Reaper’s cock, and then he’s going to kill you for taking it so well.
Such a dirty little virgin, letting three men kiss you.
Round and round the thoughts spiral, chewing me up until there’s nothing left but dust. I try to stifle my sobs, but even my pillow is worn out, tired of my bullshit. A knock on my door barely registers in my brain, and it takes me a millennium to undo the new latches that Sam installed.
Not like they matter for keeping people out. I might as well lock myself inside.
Once I finally manage to unlock and crack open the door, my father’s face appears. Tired, wrinkled, with streaks of gray that didn’t used to be there. He brightens upon seeing me. It’s been a few days since our paths crossed.
“Hi, Daddy.”
“Hi, Pumpkin. Can I come in?”
I clutch the door handle and quickly glance behind me.
My room is a mess—it usually is, but after Sam left, I tore up an entire sketchbook and threw the papers around the room.
They litter the floor like ash, scattering with every gentle breeze through my open window.
“No,” I murmur, closing the door another inch. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.” He sighs. “I called your sister. She’ll be here in the morning.”
“Okay.” I scrub my hand down my face and take a breath.
Having company keeps the shadows from crawling out of their corners of the room.
Lilith will be a welcome distraction. But I can’t ask my father to step inside my perpetual den of sadness.
It isn’t always this gloomy, but tonight, it feels suffocating.
Before he can leave, I reach through the crack in the door and grab his hand.
“Dad—” I swallow my hesitation. “Um, when you and Mom…” I think of how to phrase my question.
“When you fell in love, did you know it wouldn’t last? ”
My father used to be an upbeat man. He would sing with the songbirds and paint with my mother in the sunroom.
They were so, so in love that it followed them everywhere, bringing comfort to grieving hearts that wandered in their path.
Lately, he’s been so buried in work that I haven’t seen him smile. I rarely see him at all.
Sometimes I wonder if he could take it all back, would he?
“Are you asking if I regret marrying your mother?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Do you?”
His resounding exhale blows past the streaks of gray in his thick mustache.
“Of course not, Pumpkin. Your mother—she was the light of my life. I still love her dearly.” He squeezes the tips of my fingers.
“But you have your own light, too, you know. All of you kids do. In all different shades.” A small smile graces his features, making him appear a few years younger.
“I’ll never regret a single moment with your mother.
I only wish we had more time together…” His voice trails off.
“But, that’s what makes every moment precious.
We can’t go back and rewrite the past, so we need to enjoy the present.
Your mother brought me so much joy, and she will always mean the world to me. Why would I want to erase that?”
I try to shrink in on myself, suddenly feeling very small. “Because it’s so much harder without her.”
My dad sighs. “It is harder, yes. But it’s because of your mom that I know how to keep going. She made me stronger. She’s made you stronger, too.”
“I don’t know about that.”
Sometimes, I feel like I’m drowning.
“I do.” He places something in my palm. “You have all the power in the world, Mercy. You can keep going on this path, or you can pick a new direction. It’s up to you where you go, and… who you go with.”
My nose crinkles. “You saw Sam.”
“It was hard to miss him.” My dad rubs the back of his neck. “But it’s the other one I’m more concerned about. He seems… rough.”
Talk about an understatement.
“You don’t usually hang out with those kind of boys, Mercy.”
“I don’t usually hang out with any kinds of boys,” I sigh, rubbing my eyes.
“Right… “ My dad sighs. “Your grandmother spoke with him before I came around. She seems to like him, despite his… differences.” My father has no idea how much he’s sugarcoating Kane’s personality. “She fed him a cookie, too. You know how she is about her superstitions.”
Grandma and those damned cookies. “I wish she wouldn’t get involved.”
“It’s her house, too, Mercy. She’s allowed to know who’s coming and going. As do I.” Dad raps his knuckles on the door frame. “Just be safe, Pumpkin. That’s all I ask.”
When my older sister Lilith arrives at dawn, we spend an hour staring at the ceiling and listening to music, and then she flutters around my room picking up my drawings and pinning them to the wall with thumbtacks.
It’s like I’m watching a mirror image of myself—a little older, a little more confident in herself—fixing up my space so that I can become her in a few years’ time.
We share similar tastes in style, preferring lace spider webs and striped stockings to the typical clothing you’ll find in a department store.
Our brother does too, actually, but I haven’t seen Malachi in years.
I wonder if he’s doing any better than me at military school.
By the time Lilith has finished tidying up and pinning things to my wall, charcoal sketches fill an entire section from top to bottom—or at least as high as she could reach.
I stare at them for a long time while she sweeps the floor, dusts my empty bookshelf, and gathers my dirty laundry into a basket.
“I’m not usually this pathetic.” Lying back on my bare mattress—because she’s also washing my bedsheets—I cover my eyes with my forearm. “I haven’t been sleeping.”
Lilith spritzes my pillow with the lavender spray and hums appreciatively. She’s always loved lavender. “Wanna talk about it?”
No. I wouldn’t know what to say. I’ve never had boy problems before. Or, I don’t know, played life-or-death games with my pussy.
I start with the simplest topic. “Sam told me he loved me.”
My sister sits on the creaking bed beside me. “How does that make you feel?”
I twist my lips, unsure how to answer. “Happy. Sad. Confused.” Sighing, I kick my feet against my metal footboard.
“We decided to remain friends a year ago, you know. He kissed me, and I liked it at first. But then I got scared.” What if I like Sam a lot, and he breaks up with me?
Then I’d have no one. “I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. ”
“Are you still friends?”
“Yeah… maybe a little more than friends.” Remembering the greedy way he ate me out makes my body hot all over again. “He wants to have sex with me.” I bite my lip. “Even though I want it, I cried before we could… do anything. And then he backed way up.”
Lilith takes my hand and squeezes. “Sex can be overwhelming when it means change. But change doesn’t have to be scary or bad. It can be a really, really good.”
“I don’t need a therapist right now,” I grumble, “I need a sister.” I smack her with my pillow. “I cried because… because I want to want him. He’s my best friend. I know he’ll take care of me. He loves me. If anyone gets my virginity, it should be him!”
“...but?”
I cover my face with both of my hands. “There are these other guys.” Thankfully, Lilith doesn’t comment. “One of them wants to share me.” Still, nothing. Some of the tension in my body relaxes, and I peek over at her. She’s listening intently, her eyes closed and her lips pursed.
“I’m worried that if I have sex with Sam, that’s it, we’re a couple. It’ll close the other doors.”
“But you don’t love Sam.”
“I do love Sam. He’s funny and charming and caring.
He makes sure I take my meds—” I blush at the memory of his tongue inside my mouth.
“And he’s always there for me. Of course, I love Sam.
But I also…” I take a breath. “I like this other guy. He’s different.
Crazy and chaotic and powerful. He wants to have sex with me, too, but he doesn’t want more than that. For him, it’s just sex.”
And murder, but I leave that part out.
“I should date Sam.” If I fall in love with Sam, he and I win this stupid game, and we all walk away with our lives. I should be happy with that.
So why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?
The ache in my chest grows when I think of all three men arguing over me.
Who gets to kiss me. Who gets to fuck me.
Who gets to kill me. A shiver rolls down my spine at how easily they turned on each other.
Zane was the only one who didn’t seem to care, opting to walk away instead of argue.
I haven’t figured him out yet, and I’m not sure if I ever will.
If he gets a chance, he might kill me before I have sex with anyone.
“I just don’t know what to do,” I say finally. “Someone’s going to get hurt no matter what.”
“This is your life, Mercy,” Lilith reminds me, turning on her side to meet my gaze. She taps my forehead. “You make the rules. So what if the other guys want something from you? What do you want?”
That’s the problem. I don’t think I can have everything I want without losing Sam.
“And,” she continues, “what are you willing to do to get it?”