Chapter 10
EASTON
Something changed with Chase last night.
Not that I could possibly say for sure what it was, but he and my brother have both been looking at me funny all day.
Almost like they’re reaching a boiling point, but not in the angry way that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up waiting for the inevitable explosion.
But like cracks, spider-webbing further and further along a pane of glass until it shatters.
Maybe I’m getting stir-crazy because I’m kind of over it. I’d rather have the most uncomfortable conversation of my life than live another five minutes feeling like a pathetic-looking zoo animal.
“You could have warned me that using my own words for things would sound like a jumbled up kid’s book in my head,” I tell Blakely.
She giggles, but doesn’t look up from whatever terrible thing is on her screen.
I’ve been hanging around her enough to notice how she acts when something is particularly disturbing, and today has not been kind to her in the digital world.
I don’t even want to think about what it could be.
Ignorance is bliss, after all, and I have other things to worry about.
“Welcome to breaking generational cycles. It’s the worst thing you’ll ever do until you get used to it. I’ve heard rumors that it gets easier, though I’m not sure I can personally confirm that or not.”
Hear, hear. “And on that note, I’m about to either put this weirdness to bed once and for all, or make it severely worse.”
That gets her full attention. “Better you than me, no offense. But do please come back and tell me all about it.”
My knee starts shaking restlessly as I eye the door. “It’s gotta end. Nothing will ever get better until this is behind us.”
“You can do it, lovebug. The only way out is through. And I’ll be right here after it’s done.
” My heart gives a few heavy thumps as my throat starts to burn.
Thankfully, she nods in understanding instead of expecting me to try and verbalize my gratitude.
“Go,” is her gentle command. It makes me get to my feet, the determination pushing me further.
I find Brady first; he’s the easier of the two. Like usual, lately at least, he’s holed up with a controller in his hands, leaning against the headboard in his room “Hey, can we talk?” I ask when he notices me lingering in the doorway like I’m haunting the place.
He nods. “Yeah, okay. Sure.”
I motion for him to follow me, silently thanking the universe for making one aspect of this easy on me as he does so without question.
Chase is next. He also doesn’t put up much of a fight, probably because it’s both of us together and we surprised him.
When the three of us are behind the closed door of my room, my nerves really start flaring up.
They take a seat in the two chairs by the big window, and I choose my bed, burying my hands in the pocket of my hoodie to hide the shaking.
The only way out is through, I remind myself.
“Look, obviously ignoring this isn’t helping.
So why don’t we just bring it all out in the open?
” The words feel foreign on my tongue and taste like ash.
“I tried to kill myself. Obviously, that would have an effect on you. I’m not unaware of that.
Ask what you want to ask, say what you want to say about it, but things can’t keep going like this. It’s too fucking hard.”
Unsurprisingly, no one wants to talk first. Chase won’t look at me, his gaze locked somewhere on the wall behind me.
Brady is busy chewing on his lip. Hopefully, somewhere in the swamp, my mother has developed a sudden inexplicable itch she can’t scratch.
She hated when he would do that, probably the only time he ever fell short of being her perfect son.
I’m willing to wait this out; eventually, they’ll crack.
I have to believe that. If they do, then there’s hope.
Maybe I can have my brother back. Maybe my boyfriend can forgive me.
Maybe my life isn’t completely ruined. Not yet, anyway.
Hope is draining the longer that it takes, though.
But I stay firm, no matter how desperately panic tries to take hold.
If nothing else, they’re going to have to give up on me to my face.
Look me in the eye and say this was the breaking point and there’s no coming back.
Brady could forgive me for my transgressions against him, but are the ones I commit against myself too much for him?
Chase never blinked in the face of my messed-up past before, but was that only because he thought the worst of it was over?
Not looking away from them is such an effort that my teeth grind. But at long last, my efforts are rewarded. Brady takes a steadying breath before saying, “I remember the first day of your life. Did you know that? My first memory of my own life is the day yours began.”
My lip wobbles, but I make sure my voice is as steady as possible. “Why are you telling me this?” If it’s to hurt me, it’s working.
“Because, Easton. You can’t ask me to see the end of your life too.
” I touch my chest, just above my heart, just to remind myself that the knife twisting around in there isn’t real and this probably won’t kill me.
“I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. I already lived my time without you, and I can’t remember a second of it, which is exactly how I prefer it.
That’s how this goes. I wait for the squishy pink alien, who I love so much it scares me, to be old enough to be my friend.
I protect you so that no one dulls the way you shine.
I willingly walk away from Mom and Dad even without a full understanding of what’s going on, but I go where you go.
Always. And in exchange, I’ve already lived my last day without you.
You broke the rules. You tried to go somewhere I couldn’t follow you. ”
The dam breaks, tears flowing freely down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. You have to know that.”
It wasn’t to hurt me, it’s because I hurt him…
Brady leans forward, arms braced on his knees and more pain written on his face than I can begin to sort through. “Why, Easton? Why didn’t you run or flag a car down? Have someone call the cops for you. Why was that the way out?”
I flinch when Chase speaks, both because I wasn’t expecting it and I’m preparing for more hurtful honesty.
“This choice is mine and mine alone. No one else should suffer for the evil I brought into our lives. He won’t let me go this time, baby, and I’m not strong enough to keep getting back up again.
” The echo of my words parroted back to me hits like a cargo train.
That fucking letter. I’d completely forgotten about it.
“But hey, at least I’d have an explanation to go with the body,” he laments, tossing the folded paper to my brother.
“What is this?” Brady demands without so much as even looking at it, despite the white knuckle grip he has. “Tell me you didn’t write a fucking suicide note! You planned this out? Did you plan your funeral too or was I supposed to do that part?”
My fingers dig into the thin cotton separating them from my skin, digging my nails in for even just a little pain to ground me.
“I’m glad you know what I should have done, but it’s a lot easier to say when it’s not happening to you.
Believe me, I thought so, too, back before it was the only thing I knew.
You want to know what it was really like?
Why I had to kill myself to escape?” When both sets of eyes are on me, I continue.
The humiliation and agony be damned. If this is what it takes…
“It started by making sure I relied on him for everything. So subtly I didn’t even notice, and he took control of every single aspect of my life.
Nothing was mine—not our friends, not the money, not the roof over my head.
It was all because of him. Then when I was in the palm of his hand, he turned up the heat.
Started letting the mask slip and then smother me with love.
It kept me confused. He never let me sleep through the night, so I was always exhausted.
More easily manipulated when I couldn’t think straight.
Then he started getting really ugly. He beat me.
Broke my bones, bruised me, made me bleed.
Then he raped me. Didn’t matter if I cried or begged or told him it hurt.
Hell, I wasn’t even allowed to sleep in clothes just so it’d be easier for him to force himself on me.
And when my body started breaking down from the years of mistreatment, he switched up the story and accused me of being on drugs so I felt even more insane.
When he showed up at Chase’s house, he swore he’d hurt both of you if I didn’t comply.
That may not sound that bad to you. You don’t know him, after all.
But I do. He’s a fucking monster. To me, he’s ten feet tall and unstoppable.
All I wanted was to keep him away from you and Chase.
He had a gun with him that day. If I ran from him again, anyone that he even thought helped me would be in danger.
There was no fucking way out; the only thing I could do was die with a little bit of dignity.
Choose it instead of letting him beat me to death.
Is that enough for you, Brady? Were my actions justified enough for you? ”
My body crumples in on itself, too raw and too vulnerable to face this any longer.
It takes everything in me not to drown in the horrors of reliving this again.
It stays with me always, ready to sweep me away like a riptide.
But telling the two most important people in my life the gory details is far worse than anything my own brain can do to me.
I’m on the verge of hyperventilating, trying like hell to stay in control but always falling just short; never managing to do the right thing to make this stop.