Chapter 10 #2
The bed dips once, then twice before there’s two warm hands on me. One on my shoulder and the other in the middle of my back. “I’m sorry, Eas. I really am. I was so far out of line.”
Chase is quiet, but at least he’s still here. He feels closer, not physically, but like the wall between us isn’t quite as tall as it was before. The familiar, comforting motion of his hand settles me enough to speak. “You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”
He makes a pained noise. “Yeah, but it wasn’t nice, either. The truth is, I have no idea how to come to terms with this. Nothing has ever scared me like facing the very real possibility of losing you.”
I bring my knees to my chest, propping my head on my knees so I can look at him. “I’m here now, though.”
“Yeah. I’m trying to remind myself of that.”
Chase shifts away, but I turn to stop him.
He’s so gorgeous, even now. It’s clear he hasn’t been sleeping much, like everyone else.
It looks like he didn’t shave this morning, but I like the bit of stubble.
But those eyes; those will always be my favorite thing about him.
Even when he’s sad, they always light up for me.
It’s like getting three straight dollar signs on a slot machine.
I could weep with gratitude, seeing that I still have that effect on him after all this bullshit we’ve been caught up in.
“What about you? I know you’re having a hard time too.”
His sigh is telling. Even if words fail us, Chase and I will always have this.
The way we’re so in tune with each other that we can—hopefully, always—find our way back to where we can talk without words.
We balance each other out. “The note was pretty eye-opening. I wasn’t expecting it.
But there was a lot of insight here that helped a bit.
It’s not your fault, sweetheart. It’s just been weird trying to understand it and not knowing what to do for you. ”
That’s not the same thing as him saying he doesn’t want me anymore. I can work with that, I think. Probably.
“Did you read the whole thing?”
Chase nods before falling backwards on the bed with a huff. “It was hard to stop once I started.”
Brady and I go like dominoes so we’re all staring at the ceiling, hoping it’ll spell out the answers for us that none of us know how to find on our own. Where do we go from here? How, when Aaron is still out there somewhere and likely looking for me? Will we ever feel normal again?
“At least things can’t get a lot worse from here,” I offer.
My brother laughs humorlessly. “Don’t say that. The universe might be listening and take it as a challenge.”
Good point.
Chase raps his knuckles against the wooden headboard just to be safe. “Are we ignoring that it’s cute as hell that your first memory is the day Easton was born? I feel like we glossed over that.”
Also a good point. “Yeah, I didn’t know that. What do you remember about it?”
“Everything.” Even without looking at him, I can tell he’s smiling.
“Dad called Grammy to come watch me, but she had the flu and they didn’t want to risk the new baby getting sick.
So there wasn’t much of a choice but for all three of us to go to the hospital.
Luckily, Mom was friends with a nurse that worked there at the time and she was able to keep me occupied during the actual delivery.
Dad told me not to be scared, because it was about to be the best day of my life, and I believed him.
Mom kept telling me she was okay, but giving me a little brother was hard work so not to worry if she screamed a bunch.
I was so excited. They set me up in a chair in the corner with a Game Boy, well above Mom’s head, so it’s not like I saw anything graphic.
Then I left and had enough time to watch an episode of cartoons in the waiting room.
When I came back, you were there, and you were all cleaned up already.
When they handed you to me, I was hooked immediately.
You grabbed my finger with your little, wrinkly hand, and I knew exactly what Dad meant about it being the best day of my life. ”
I wipe my tears on my sleeve for the umpteenth time since this conversation started, cheeks aching from the grin I can’t seem to let go of. “Jeez, Brady. How long have you been waiting for the perfect time to tell that story?”
Chase laughs, triggering me and Brady to as well. “It’s the fucking monologuing super powers, once again. The bane of my existence.”
Brady yelps. “Rude! You love it, and I can’t be convinced otherwise.”
“Whatever you need to believe, Bray.”
“He’s always been like this. I swear he keeps speeches in his back pocket so he can pull them out whenever he needs one.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He nudges me with his arm. “What about you? What’s your first memory?”
After a few seconds of thinking about it, it comes to me.
“The beach. You were teaching me how to hunt for seashells and we were putting the good ones in a little blue bucket to take home so Mom could put them in her garden. When the waves would come up, I’d laugh and laugh and you’d grab my wrist so it wouldn’t pull me away.
Think they’re still in the backyard somewhere? ”
When I look over at him, his eyelashes are damp.
“Probably. Maybe that turtle rock you painted is still there too… It sucks that we don’t have any of that stuff.
Our best memories in that house are of each other, but we don’t have anything to look back on together.
No pictures, none of our stuff. I kinda hate that. ”
I get that. There was so much bad there, but it made the special memories with my brother all the more significant. “If the only things to come out of that house are me and you; I can make my peace with that. But having the little things would be really cool too.”
“I’m going to have to throw Parker and Emerson into my post-social blackout apology tour. You two make me feel like the worst brother ever. I didn’t even like them for, like, two whole decades. They broke my stuff and were the loudest people on the planet.”
Brady chuckles, but it makes me wonder… “Do you think that has something to do with having normal parents? Like, maybe Brady and I bonded so easily because our home life was so chaotic and we needed each other? But you could get away with not liking your brothers because you were never worried about if they were safe or not.”
“Huh,” Chase mumbles. “That would make a shit-ton of sense, actually.”
To my left, there’s a small wounded noise. “No. No way, because no matter what Mom and Dad are like, Easton was always going to be Easton. Maybe that made me more protective, but we bonded because of who he is. I knew it the very first day.”
Frowning, I say, “I didn’t mean it like that, Brady. We were always going to get along better because our personalities line up. But we never fought and you never got annoyed with me hanging around you. There was no conflict between us ever, and maybe that’s because we were safer together.”
He takes a deep breath. “Yeah, maybe. I still don’t like the sound of it though. In my head, I never was upset with you because there was never a reason to be. I liked you hanging around me because we had fun, and the worst of their behavior flew over my head so it never occurred to me like that.”
Mulling that over takes me a long while.
But even if the more intricate aspects of our childhood escape me, standing on more solid ground is a relief.
Eventually, Brady says he’s going to work out in the basement, but assures me we’re okay.
Chase and I haven’t moved, stuck no more than an inch apart, but closer than we’ve come in the two weeks since I’ve been released from the hospital.
His body heat is lulling me into a comforting daze that allows me to drift somewhere between sleep and wakefulness.
Summer is rapidly coming to a close, the mornings are getting colder and the heat of the day isn’t lasting as long as it used to.
In the mornings when I’ve given up on trying to sleep and find myself in Blake’s office, waiting for her to do the same, the low hanging clouds provide a blanket of security over the quiet neighborhood.
It’s almost a shame to see it fade away for the day, leaving me wondering if we’re any safer if the danger lurking around the corner is visible or if it’s better to live in ignorant bliss for just a little longer.
Personally, I long for it to be the latter, but life has taught me otherwise.
Denial of reality is what allowed Aaron to get close enough to me that I was in the position to be hurt again.
Deep down, I always knew what it was. I knew, the first time the hairs on the back of my neck stood up without an obvious reason, that the walls were closing in on me.
I forced it back down, made every plausible excuse in the book, but the sharpened fear was too familiar for it to be anything else.
But I was falling in love, the right way this time, and all I wanted was as much time as I could get before the inevitable found me.
Maybe it was selfish and stupid. Maybe I should have cut and run before Chase was in a place to be hurt.
Maybe I should have been smarter, done a hundred things better so we didn’t end up like this.
The what-ifs and regrets are stacking up by the tons.
“Would it be a bad idea to go get my clothes from the house?”
Chase leans up, raven hair hanging just long enough that it begs to be touched. “Your clothes aren’t at home, Chaos. They were all gone when I got back from Chicago.”
Oh. No wonder they thought I had left by choice. Between that and the note Aaron left, I would have assumed the same. “They were in my backpack. I had packed them before my test.”
His dark eyebrows knit together. “Why?”
“Because I was going to get Brady to help me surprise you by showing up in Chicago. You were so sad and worried about your mom the last time we talked and it sounded like you needed me there.”
A dozen emotions appear in his eyes, one after another, cycling too fast to name. “But—No. That’s not possible. I would have known if your stuff was still there.”
“Can we go see?” I ask. I’d be surprised if Aaron had taken it with him. He wouldn’t have known what was inside it.
Chase nods, seemingly dazed. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Here goes nothing,” I whisper under my breath.