Chapter 19
Alice didn’t see Ethan for a few days after returning to Hampton House, as both had been confined mainly to their rooms. He’d needed to stay off his feet as much as possible and allow his ankle to heal, and she’d fallen ill with head congestion after their prolonged exposure to the elements.
Now, three days later, Alice was restless.
Thank god for little Knightly. The sweet kitten was her constant companion, snoozing on her chest whenever she napped or attempted to read.
But much to her chagrin, the ginger gentleman also reminded her of Ethan’s kindness and gentle nature when she was determinedly not thinking about the estate manager.
Pacing her room, she was able to observe work in the gardens below, longing to be out there. Priscilla had expressly forbidden it, though, until her nose stopped running and coughing ceased.
She watched anxiously as the local mason began work on a low stone wall that would wind around much of the central garden.
It was not a small undertaking, and while she trusted Matthias, she wanted to be there with them to provide direction.
But more than anything, she needed a task to keep her occupied, to keep her mind away from what had transpired with Ethan in the cottage.
A knock sounded and it wasn’t a moment before Priscilla peeked her head around the edge of the door.
“How are you feeling? Would you like some company?”
“Please,” Alice groaned. “I’m going crazy being quarantined up here.
” Unfortunately, she let out a large sneeze at this precise moment.
Blowing her nose while Priscilla made herself comfortable on the settee by the fire, Alice resumed her pacing, sending Knightly scampering under the settee for protection from her swirling dressing gown.
“How is the mason getting along? Have you received any updates? Has Ethan resumed working?” She whirled around to look at Priscilla, hoping her tone remained normal at her inquiry.
Priscilla just laughed. “Sit down. All your spinning about is making me even more nauseous.”
“More nauseous?” Alice sat abruptly on the other end of the settee, concerned for her cousin. “Have you caught my illness?”
“No, it’s not anything from you that is causing my symptoms.” A smile bloomed on Priscilla’s face. “I have been feeling unwell, but it’s not because I’m ill. I’m expecting a child.”
“Oh, Priscilla!” Alice exclaimed, eyes filling with tears. “I’m so pleased for you and West.” To her horror, the tears didn’t stop at a simple, effusive welling. Before she knew why, Alice was crying into her hands, trying to conceal the evidence of her overflowing emotions.
“Oh, Alice! Darling—whatever is wrong?” Priscilla scooted across the cushions, disrupting Knightly, and wrapped her arms around her.
Alice calmed herself after a moment and pulled back from Priscilla, taking the handkerchief she proffered. “I’m so sorry, I really don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said, dabbing her eyes. “I truly am so happy for you, I just . . . just . . .” Her traitorous eyes began to well again.
“Are you simply overwhelmed from the last few days, or should I be concerned?” Priscilla’s eyes were narrowed in concern as she looked at Alice critically. Her hand formed rhythmic circles on Alice’s back, already acting like an attentive mother.
“I promise I’m fine. You and West are going to be incredible parents. It seems ridiculous to cry at such a happy announcement. It’s just that I . . .” She trailed off again, unable to admit the terrible, selfish things she was feeling alongside her genuine joy.
“You can tell me, Alice. What is it that’s bothering you?”
Taking in a deep breath, looking at the floor, Alice braced herself.
“It’s just that sometimes I find myself envious of you and all you have,” she admitted.
“The happiness that you’ve found with West. I’m so pleased for you, truly I am, but I’m also selfishly feeling sad, as I doubt I’ll ever have what you do. ”
There, it was spoken. Exhaling shakily, she chanced a glance at Priscilla.
“Oh, sweet Alice. I understand feeling a mix of emotions all at once, but why do you think you’ll never be happy?” Priscilla asked, still caressing her back.
Alice relaxed into the settee. “Because I don’t expect I’ll be able to make a love match like yours. What I care for in a man is not of the foremost concern when it comes to whom I’ll likely marry. I’ve always known my duty to the family.”
Priscilla closed her eyes and pressed her lips together. “I’d hoped you were beginning to see that there is more of importance in the world than making a match to please Uncle, but perhaps I’ve not been direct enough.” Her eyes sprang open, and she stared directly at Alice.
“I wanted you to come to this realization on your own, but that may take more time than we have, so here goes.” Priscilla inhaled deeply before grasping Alice’s hands.
“You only have one life, Alice. You must live it to please yourself—and no one else. Not me, not my mother, and not Uncle. Only you.” There was a deep earnestness in her voice and Alice knew what she was saying was important, but she couldn’t simply disregard her father’s wishes. It wasn’t that easy.
“I want you to find a man who will make you as happy as West has made me. Life is too short to be concerned with anything else.”
Alice pulled away, head shaking. Standing, she began to pace again. “I can’t. I can’t act so recklessly and selfishly, what will Father say? And you sound just like Ethan!”
“Ethan? What does Ethan have to do with this?” Priscilla seemed genuinely confused for a moment, but then her eyes widened in understanding.
“Alice . . .,” she said slowly, “did something happen between you and Ethan when you were stranded together?”
“No! No—that is, yes. Maybe? Oh, I don’t know!” She twirled around, causing her dressing gown to balloon around her, and Alice wished it would swallow her up whole. It would save her the humiliation of having to explain to her cousin what she couldn’t even explain to herself.
“Alice,” Priscilla started with an unnatural calm, “tell me plainly, did he act in an untoward manner? Did he hurt you in any way?”
In dismay, Alice realized her cousin was concerned for her innocence and had gathered the wrong impression in her inability to explain herself.
“Oh, no—nothing like that. He was a perfect gentleman, I assure you.” The words tumbled out of her mouth in her haste to set the record straight.
Priscilla’s face relaxed, and she let out a puff of air. “It did seem completely out of character for him to behave in such a way, but you had me concerned.”
“If anything, I was the one who acted inappropriately.” Alice could feel her cheeks begin to burn; however, if anyone would be able to help her parse out her feelings about what had occured, it would be Priscilla.
“Alice, what happened?”
Alice told her everything—about her inconvenient attraction to him, before she even knew who he was, about how kind he’d been amid her thoughtlessness and condescension.
How he had done everything in his power to care for her, and how she’d recognized what a good man he was.
And finally, how she had given into her feelings in the cottage and the passionate kiss she’d initiated only to be soundly rejected.
“I can’t believe he took it upon himself to decide everything; it was so completely presumptuous!” Alice seethed, having worked herself up as she explained what transpired.
Priscilla watched calmly from the settee, Knightly safely beneath, as Alice marched across the room in her agitation. She hadn’t realized she was picking at her fingers until Priscilla grabbed her hand on the next pass.
“But he wasn’t wrong, was he? Upon coming to your senses, wouldn’t you have done the same?”
Alice colored, cheeks burning to be discussing such things aloud.
“No, he wasn’t wrong to stop things . . .
I would have agreed with him,” she ground out through gritted teeth.
“But that’s not the point.” She pulled her hand from Priscilla’s and resumed pacing in frustration.
"He didn’t ask me what I wanted! He just believed that he knew what was best and made a decision for both of us without even thinking to inquire how I might be feeling or what I desired in the situation.
Ugh . . . men!” she said, throwing up her hands before collapsing beside Priscilla on her final pass.
Alice closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, audibly exhaling through pursed lips.
“I hate that my entire life has been directed by men thinking they know what’s best for me, and I hate even more that Ethan was right.
We can never be together, so exploring our desires any further would be a foolish errand.
” Chancing a glance at Priscilla after her tirade, she was relieved to find no judgment in her expression.
“Do you think me an immoral and loose woman?”
“Not at all. I understand what it’s like to be overtaken in a moment when there is genuine attraction between a couple, I would never judge you for that. But, darling, why do you think there is no future for the two of you?”
Alice looked at her cousin as if she were mad. They had similar upbringings, so how could Priscilla even ask such a question?
“Father would never approve of a man like Ethan. I don’t mean to disparage your husband, you know I adore him, but you also know that the ton looks down on how his title was obtained.
And his lineage aside, Ethan has no title of his own.
Even worse, he chooses to work. Father would never condone such a match. ”
“I understand your hesitations when it comes to the arguments Uncle will make,” Priscilla said, holding her hand up to preempt Alice. “What I don’t understand, however, is why you are not able to see past Uncle’s viewpoints and accept that you could fight for Ethan as a worthy match.”
“Why does everyone keep telling me to disregard my father’s wishes?
” she huffed. “What is wrong with wanting to be a good daughter and making him happy and secure?” Rising, she stormed over to the window, only to be confronted by the man who was haunting her every thought, both waking and sleeping, at work once again in her garden.
As she closed her eyes and leaned on the cool glass, desperate to block out the sight of Ethan, Alice felt Priscilla’s hand on her shoulder.
“There is nothing wrong with wanting to make those around you happy, Alice. You are a good daughter, and you’ve always taken such good care of your father.
But I don’t want you to sacrifice your own happiness in order to please someone else.
” Alice stiffened at the implication of Priscilla’s words but allowed her to continue.
“I, too, once lived to please my parents—and you know very well what came of that. I found myself married to a man forty years my senior, purely for the sake of status, then quickly became his nursemaid as I watched him wither away. My parents were beyond pleased—I was a duchess, but I was also miserable. I soon learned that standing in society will not bring happiness. Who others are in their hearts is so much more important than whether they possess a title.”
Alice turned, her temple pressed to the window as she looked at Priscilla, trying desperately to understand what she was telling her.
“But you married West, you still have everything your parents wanted for you. How can you tell me to abandon all expectations when you still have everything we’ve ever been told to aspire to? ”
Priscilla let out a sigh. “Yes, I understand that it might appear that way. But believe me, I almost didn’t give West a chance because he was everything my parents wanted for me.” Priscilla wandered back to the settee and sat, looking a bit pale, leaving Alice to wonder what she meant.
“After Stern died, I was determined to live only for myself. I knew West was a match my parents would approve of, and so I wanted nothing to do with him, asserting my independence by being contrarian. But as I grew fond of him, I realized that even though I was acting in opposition to their wishes, I was once again letting my parent dictate my actions. I was still making decisions with them in mind rather than paying attention to what I wanted myself. In the end, I chose West because it pleased me to be with him. The fact that it also made my parents happy was simply coincidental.”
Alice realized when Priscilla reached up to wipe her cheeks that she was crying again.
“I’m not telling you to rebel against your father.
The two of you have had a difficult time, and I know you worry for his health—we all do.
But I want you to think for a moment about what will make you happy.
Think about what you have learned this past month, what you have learned about yourself, your own strengths and desires.
Ethan is a good man. If he aligns with what you might want, don’t discount him out of hand. ”
Priscilla leaned forward and placed a kiss on Alice’s head before leaving her alone to observe the man she couldn’t dare to want. Could she?