Chapter 25
Ethan was back outside working in the garden, unable to keep himself away from his only link to Alice, when a messenger rode up the drive at full tilt.
A letter arriving at such a reckless speed could not mean anything other than bad news. Handing his spade to David, he ran off toward the house.
“Oh, Ethan, good,” Priscilla said, rushing toward him as he stepped into the drawing room.
“I’ve just received a message from West. It appears my uncle is now gravely ill and is not expected to last long.
” Her voice quivered, but within seconds a look of determination crossed her face.
“I need to get to London as quickly as possible. Please alert the staff I want to get on the road within the hour.”
“I’m coming with you.” The words flew out of Ethan’s mouth before he was even aware he’d spoken, but he knew immediately it was the course of action he must take.
Priscilla’s face softened as she looked up at him.
“That’s very kind of you, Ethan. I know West asked for you to look out for me while he’s away, but I promise I can travel on my own.
I’ll stop at an inn tonight, I won’t try to make it there all in one go.
I know not to overtax myself or the horses. ”
“No, you don’t understand,” he uttered, only half listening to her rationale, his mind only focused on one thing. “It’s not you. I . . . Alice,” he said with a swallow.
Priscilla’s eyes grew large before a brilliant smile broke across her face. “Of course. She’ll need you. Go pack and let the driver know the plans on your way.”
Just shy of ninety minutes later, Ethan found himself sitting across from Priscilla in the carriage and on the road to Town.
He’d sped through writing out instructions for Johanssen and Matthias, keen that nothing should happen to Alice’s garden while he was away.
After throwing clothing into a bag, he’d made sure the team was hitched and ready to go, giving instructions to the driver on where they wished to stop for the evening.
Now that the whirlwind was over, and given a moment to sit, Ethan’s mind raced through all the possibilities of what they might encounter in London.
“What do you know? What did West’s letter say?” He felt anxious and had to keep himself from bouncing his leg up and down.
“I don’t know a lot. West said that Uncle Edward had some kind of apoplectic episode and Alice sent for him and my father.
I’m glad she had the wherewithal to think of West, he’ll be much more capable of handling things than my father will.
But then again, Alice is adept at handling crises as well.
She’s been vigilant for years, fearful of something exactly like this happening. ”
Ethan swallowed around his suddenly dry throat. He was still amazed at how drastically he’d misunderstood Alice, underestimating her when they first met. She was a tower of strength, even if she had led a more sheltered life.
“And what did West say of his condition? Is Alice well?”
Priscilla peered at him critically across the small space. “He just said that he was gravely ill and to come. He didn’t provide details.”
Ethan dropped his head and wrung his hands. He’d begun bouncing his right leg at a rapid pace, too worried about Alice to calm himself and remain still any longer. Suddenly, Priscilla’s hands wrapped around his own, halting their movement.
“She’ll get through this, and having you by her side will only make her more resilient.”
He looked up and searched her eyes. “I’m not sure if she’ll welcome my presence or not. She was clear before leaving that she was returning to find a match her father would approve of. We both know I will never be that man.”
“I don’t know about that,” Priscilla responded. “It’s true that my uncle is a man set in his ways—and yes, Alice does everything in her power to keep him from feeling stress—but he’s a man who understands love.”
This was news to Ethan, and he leaned forward to hear Priscilla clearly over the noise of the road. “He and my aunt were a love match, it just about killed him when she died.”
“Alice never mentioned that to me. She explained how ill he’d been and that he almost died as well, but—”
Priscilla nodded. “Yes, his injuries were quite severe and he’s had extensive health problems ever since.
But honestly, it was his melancholy at losing Alice’s mother that we thought would be his undoing.
He was desolate, almost inconsolable. It was only Alice that kept him going, and now I think she’s internalized that to a point where she believes she’s the only thing that can keep him alive. ”
The details now fully in view, he could see it all unfolding in his mind, almost like a play.
Young Alice taking on the responsibility of keeping her father alive, even as she grieved herself.
He’d known this when she explained in the cottage, but he hadn’t realized the severity of the situation.
She’d always talked of her duty, but really it was an obligation to keep him tethered to this world so she wouldn’t be left alone.
Of course, Alice would marry the man her father desired.
“She has always acquiesced to her father’s will, afraid to upset him, so he’s never had to imagine another path.
He assumes she’s happy to do as he instructs, as she’s never shown him otherwise.
But at the end of the day, if he sees that she loves you, I think he will simply want for his only child to be happy, like he was. ”
“Yes, but Alice’s mother obviously came from a good family. She could have been an earl in her own right for goodness’ sake. Surely there were no objections to her, even if it was a love match. It’s not the same as my situation.”
Priscilla let out a peal of laughter. “You’re giving my family far too much credit.
We are absolute snobs. Yes, it’s true that Aunt Agatha came from a noble family, but they were Scottish through and through.
Just look at Alice’s red hair, she gets it entirely from her mother.
” Ethan smiled, always happy to think about Alice’s glorious hair.
“She was absolutely not seen as the best match for Uncle, but he fought for her. He does understand love, Ethan, but you’ll have to fight for Alice the same way. ”
Ethan leaned back and screwed his eyes shut, trying to think.
Would Alice be willing to fight for them?
But even if she was, what would it say about Ethan if he chose her?
Yes, she had shown herself to be a caring woman once aware of other realities; however, she was still a daughter of the aristocracy.
Could he compromise everything he was trying to accomplish for his own selfish desires?
Alice sat by her father’s bed, unwilling to move. It had been two days since he’d had his fit, caused entirely by her own selfish disregard of his wishes. How could she have been so foolish?
Unwilling to let go of his hand, she felt tears trickle down her cheek, unhampered in their descent as she did not have a free finger with which to wipe them away.
The doctor had come and gone more than once, and she vaguely registered the voice of her uncle murmuring to someone on the other side of the room.
It seemed that father’s condition may not be as grave as first thought.
He was likely to come out of this alive, but he was severely weakened by the episode, his heart needing to work much too hard in his agitation.
Regardless, Alice felt a sense of déjà vu, like she was eight again and waiting to see if she would be left alone in the world—still a very real danger.
Exhausted, she fought to keep her eyes open as more voices approached, but Priscilla was soon kneeling before her, placing a cool hand on her cheek and wiping off the moisture Alice had left unattended, telling her to take a break.
“You’re here,” she said, intending for the statement to be a question.
“Yes. West sent for me. We came right away.”
Good, responsible West. Alice was glad she had told the butler to send for him along with her uncle. He had deftly taken care of everything, letting Priscilla’s father think it was all his own doing. It took Alice a moment to register what Priscilla had said through her sluggish thoughts.
“We?” she asked. Lifting her head, she saw him. “Ethan.”
Her bleary eyes focused in on him where he hovered by the doorway, gripping the edge of his hat and looking unsure of himself. She didn’t stop to think, just rose from her chair and ran to him.
He let out a puff when she crashed into his chest, then promptly wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. She melted into him, soaking up his essence, too exhausted to stand. He was here.
After a moment, she felt a gentle hand on her back. “West and I will stay here with Uncle. Why don’t you let Ethan take you to your room so you can get some rest?”
Alice wanted to protest, to tell Priscilla that she couldn’t leave. But before she had a chance to, Alice was being led out of the room. Ethan gathered her in his arms and the world around her faded to black as her eyes closed, her head on his chest.
It took a long time for Alice to be pulled out of her deep, dreamless state. Disoriented, she turned her head and found herself nestled against a firm, warm chest. Ethan.
In an instant, everything came rushing back and she sat up abruptly, dislodging Ethan’s arm from around her. She had to get away. She couldn’t let herself fall back into him, not when it had been admitting her affection for him that had caused father’s attack.
But this might be their last moment together, and she did truly love him. And Ethan’s arms had felt so lovely. She’d been carrying so much for so long—could she not just take this one moment to let go and revel in him?
Looking up at Ethan, Alice met eyes that were full of concern. He lifted a hand and brushed the hair out of her eyes, not saying anything, waiting for her to decide what direction this would go.
“You came,” she said, unable to contain her happiness at seeing him.
“I did.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to rest against him. “I was concerned for you, and clearly I was right to be. You practically passed out from exhaustion when we arrived.”
“How long was I asleep?” She needed to check in on father, but softening into Ethan again, Alice didn’t know if she could move.
“A few hours. You were out cold—you obviously needed the sleep.” He was running his fingers through her hair, and she felt like she could drift off again with the soothing gesture.
“It’s been a long few days.” Alice ran her hand over his chest and turned her face into where his neck and shoulder met, her favorite spot.
“Alice . . .,” he said, hand stilled, “what happened?”
Wanting to block out the world, she buried her face even further into his warm skin, as if he could consume her and nothing else would matter.
“It’s alright, you don’t have to talk about it.” He’d resumed his gentle stroking, this time on her neck. She pulled back just enough so she could look at him but not lose his warmth, and before she could overthink, she leaned forward and kissed him.
Alice wanted to cry at how right it felt, at how much she had missed him.
It was a gentle kiss, not all-consuming as it had been before.
She could feel that he was being considerate of the tender emotional state she was in, but she didn’t want him to still be thinking, she wanted him to be as lost to thought as she desired to be.
Alice angled herself so that she was straddling his lap, and suddenly his hands were everywhere, allowing her to breathe for the first time in two days—as if those hands were holding her together and she didn’t have to do it all by herself anymore.
The kiss went on and on, but Alice knew it had to end eventually. She’d have to find a way to go on without experiencing such an occurrence ever again. Finally, forcing himself to pull back from the kiss, Ethan leaned his forehead against Alice’s, breathing heavily.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said automatically, still catching her breath.
Ethan said nothing for a moment, giving her time to contemplate what she really wanted. Closing her eyes, a defeated expression crossed her face.
“No,” Alice said so softly he almost didn’t hear. “I do want to be with you, so badly. But things are so unsettled . . . and I—”
“I know.” He tipped his head up and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “At heart, you’re a girl who wants to make her father happy, and the last thing I would ever want is for you to have any regrets when it comes to me.”
“But I do have regrets!” Alice cried. “I regret that I cannot be with you.” She leaned forward and placed her forehead back on his, needing to feel the connection. “But after what happened, I . . .”
Ethan soothed a hand up her back until it was anchored in her hair at the nape of her neck. “Tell me when you are ready.”
Alice swallowed and nodded against him, their noses brushing. “I told him that I’d fallen in love with you, and it nearly killed him.”