Chapter 26
Walking up the familiar stairs of his father’s law office, Ethan prayed the man would be available to see him. Ethan hadn’t been in town for a few months, and after the tearful conversation he’d just had with Alice, he needed counsel from the man he respected the most.
“Mr. Beaumont!” Mr. Dunfield, clerk for the firm, exclaimed, seeing him stride into the room.
“How have you been Dunfield, are you well?”
“Oh, yes. Affairs are running smoothly as always, and we’re still using some of your methods to keep us on track” the clerk said with a smile. Ethan appreciated the update but was impatient to get past the polite chitchat and to his real purpose for visiting.
“Is my father available?”
“Oh, yes. Of course, you are here to see your father. He is available at present, feel free to go on in.”
“Thank you, Dunfield.” He gave a quick bow to the man before turning down the hall and knocking on the office door.
“Ethan!” A mix of surprise and joy washed across John Beaumont’s face as he rose to embrace his son. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
“Well,” he said, reluctantly extricating himself from his father’s embrace, “I wasn’t expecting to be here. It’s a bit of an unplanned visit.”
Brow furrowed in concern and lips turned down, his father gestured to the chair in front of his desk before taking his own. “Tell me.”
So Ethan did. He explained everything leading up to this trip, from the day he met Alice and the terrible first impression she made on him causing him to judge her harshly, to Priscilla’s scheme to have Alice design the garden—throwing them into working together.
And how over time he had come to see Alice in an entirely different light, and that he feared he had fallen hopelessly in love with her when there was still no conceivable future for the two of them.
John sat and listened without comment, though a few of his expressions along the way had done plenty of talking on their own, he now looked at Ethan critically.
“What is it that’s holding you back son?”
“What do you mean?” Ethan was surprised his father didn’t understand, possessing one of the sharpest minds he knew.
“I will never be the kind of man her father would approve of, and Alice will never go against his wishes, especially not now. She blames herself for almost killing him when confessing she loved me. She’ll never allow for something like that to happen again once he pulls through. ”
“Yes, I understand all that,” John said with a wave of his hand. “It’s unlike you, though, not to fight for what you believe is right. If she truly does not want to pursue anything further, then you should absolutely abide by her wishes, but . . .”
“But what? What else can I do?” Ethan was worn down and didn’t want to belabor this with his father.
While holding Alice in his arms as she slept had been bliss, her distress when explaining what had occurred and the horrific consequences had left Ethan with no doubt as to where things stood.
He wasn’t sure he should have come at all.
“But why are you not asking her for the chance to find a solution?” his father finished, looking him straight in the eyes, not about to let him off the hook.
“I know you don’t believe yourself less worthy of her than any other man, regardless of what polite society may say.
And one could argue that the two of you are in fact equals when family rank and position are the sole considerations.
So why are you not making that argument?
Something else is holding you back. What is it? ”
Ethan squirmed in his chair, uncomfortable that his father knew him so well.
Because the truth was that he didn’t like the small part of himself that was still holding him back.
A queasiness emerged from the furthest reaches of his gut when he realized he would need to confess his deepest insecurity, and ugliest prejudice, to his father.
“What does it say about me if I choose to be with a woman whose family embodies the very ideals I’m working against?” He swallowed, waiting for his father’s judgment, but none came.
“Oh, Ethan.” He couldn’t take the kindness and understanding in his father’s eyes and looked down at the floorboards. “It says that you fell in love and that you look at the person underneath all the pretense rather than making assumptions.”
“It just feels like I’d be turning my back on everything I set out to accomplish when I accepted West’s offer. I need to succeed at the estate. I want you to be proud of me, to feel like I left you for a reason. Would choosing Alice not negate that?”
Now he was getting to the heart of the matter. The fear Ethan had shared with his sister, that he was rejecting his father by choosing his own path.
John walked around the desk and sat on the edge in front of Ethan. “Son, I want you to really hear me when I say this. I have always been—and will always be—proud of you. Nothing could ever change that.”
“But I left you, I told you without words that the life you had created wasn’t enough for me,” Ethan choked out through a throat thick with tears.
“Son,” his father laid a hand on his shoulder, “I understand perfectly why you left, but even if I didn’t, I’d still be happy that you were finding your own way in the world.”
“I know that. I just can’t help feeling like I betrayed you by leaving. That it conveyed the message I didn’t feel you were doing enough. And in judging the life you’ve led—I rejected you.”
John let out a sigh. “Have you been carrying this around with you? No, you don’t need to answer that, I can see that you have.” His father stood up and began to pace.
“Please let that go, Ethan, don’t be burdened anymore.
I don’t think you have rejected me. Lord, son, you only have the values and ethics you do because I taught them to you!
” Laughing, he stopped pacing and ran his hand through his hair before returning to his desk.
“We’ve simply tried to reform the aristocracy in different ways.
I am using my influence subtly within the system to change the minds of men and using my influence to redirect funds to more honorable causes.
But that was never enough for you, and I know that.
You, my boy, have a need to change the system itself, the very way in which things operate.
Frankly, I admire you for it. And choosing a woman regardless of her background just makes you your own man. ”
Ethan was embarrassing himself now as he fully teared up at his father’s words. He could see the way his work differed from his fathers in an entirely new light, separate ways of approaching the same problem. Not rejecting his father’s path but simply choosing another.
“Can you see a life with her, Ethan? Would she make you happy?” Ethan nodded, picturing them living on the estate together years in the future. Ethan would be working up reports while Alice toiled in the garden, red hair shining in the sun as she brought beauty to those around her.
“Go then, and live up to your own ideals. Go claim the woman you love and show the world that the only thing that should matter in a match is that the two people involved care for one another.”
“Thank you, Father.” Ethan rose and embraced him once again, and the two made their way out of the office.
“Now, I fully expect you to bring Miss Pembroke by to meet me and Margaret once her father is in the clear, do you hear me?”
“Yes, sir,” Ethan laughed. As he walked into the main room, Hugh Stanton, his father’s partner and his own godfather, appeared in the doorway of his office.
“Ethan, I thought that was you. I’d know that laugh anywhere,” he said, walking up to shake his hand.
“It’s good to see you, Uncle Hugh. Pardon me, but I need to run. I promise I’ll catch up with you soon.”
It suddenly seemed imperative that he see Alice as soon as possible and left her in no doubt of how he felt about her.
“What was all that about?” he heard as he stepped out of the office.
“Matters of the heart, Hugh. Matters of the heart.”
A few hours had passed since returning to her father’s bedside.
Refreshed after even just a few hours of sleep, she was able to observe that her father did seem to be improving with rest. Able to attend more fully to what the doctor shared with her uncle, some of the fear which had gripped her heart eased with the doctor’s encouraging updates.
The change in circumstances also put her dilemma into harsh perspective.
On the one hand, she wasn’t sure how she would ever be able to live without Ethan.
The rush of love and gratitude she had felt when he appeared earlier that day; she simply didn’t have the words to explain what his showing up meant to her.
But on the other hand, her selfish desire to satisfy her own wishes had quite literally almost killed her father.
Alice could not be the reason she lost him—she couldn’t be all alone in this world.
She’d always been there for her father, to make sure he could be at ease after his injury and losing her mother. How could she cause him even more stress when his health was still in such a precarious state?
Alice looked toward the door when she heard a soft click, Priscilla and West slipping in.
“Father, Alice, why don’t you both take a break and eat something. West and I can sit with Uncle Edward for a bit while you rest.”
Alice began to shake her head, but her uncle overrode her. “She’s right Alice, we both need to stay strong if we are going to help him through his recovery.” He gestured towards his brother, still asleep in the bed, who seemed to rest much more comfortably than before.
Standing, Alice realized she was actually quite hungry.
“I’ll get something to eat and then return.
Thank you,” she told Priscilla, squeezing her hand on the way out.
“Be sure you rest yourself,” she said, inclining her head toward the swell of her cousin’s babe that was just beginning to show beneath the layers of petticoats.
Upon stepping out of the room, she saw Ethan leaning against the opposite wall, waiting for her.
“I’m going to request a tray in my room and try to freshen up a bit.
Why don’t you go and eat something with Mr. Beaumont?
” her uncle said, Ethan offering his hand at the suggestion.
It seemed that everyone in her family aside from her father was perfectly happy to throw Alice into Ethan’s path.
She took his hand without a word and followed him down to the dining room.
The staff had laid out a buffet of food so they could help themselves to food throughout the day whenever time allowed. Ethan pulled out a chair for her, which she all but collapsed into, before picking up a plate.
“Thank you, Ethan. Truly,” she said as he placed a steaming plate of food in front of her. “I appreciate you being here, even if I can’t promise you anything.”
Ethan didn’t say anything for a bit, just watched her. She knew he’d protest if she didn’t at least make an effort to clear her plate, but she couldn’t complain, unable to recall the last time she’d eaten.
Their kitchen assistant came in to check on the food and cleared a few dishes before leaving with a bow. “It’s an efficient system they’ve set up here,” Ethan noted with admiration.
“Well, they’ve had a lot of practice over the years.
But this time feels different.” To her utter dismay, Alice burst into tears, no longer able to hold back the emotion she had bottled up inside her since father first slumped down before her.
Part release of pressure at the relief that it didn’t seem like this would be the end, part grief at knowing no matter what she chose to do, she would hurt someone she loved.
Ethan stood beside her, and she buried her face into his stomach, wetting his waistcoat while he patiently held her. When she calmed down, he handed her a handkerchief and sat down again, pulling his chair close and grabbing her hands.
“I went to see my own father this afternoon while you sat with yours,” he informed her. “I had some things I needed to sort through, and I always value his opinion.”
“And did it help?” Alice was curious what they had discussed, but more than that she wanted to know that Ethan was well.
“It did. It gave me clarity. He told me that I need to fight for you if I really loved you,” he paused as Alice caught her breath at his words and reached up to gather a tear that remained at the corner of her eye, “and I do really love you, Alice.”
Alice was a mess of mixed emotions. Though she had suspected that Ethan might love her as she loved him, he’d never admitted to it before. Hearing the actual words was humbling and made her heart overflow with happiness, but it also made the piercing pain in her chest that much more intense.
“I know you are more concerned than ever about your father and that choosing me might exacerbate matters. But, Alice,”—he held the side of her head and looked her deep in the eyes—“wouldn’t he want you to be as happy as he was with your mother?”
Her tears returned with a vengeance, grief for her beautiful mother rising to the surface.
Memories that had been long buried ran through her mind—her mother laughing at something her father said and him beaming at her; Father watching Mother play with her; Mother observing father painting, praising his picture, when he had still indulged his love of art before the accident.
Father was a happy man once, and he’d so loved her mother. Maybe, just maybe if he could set aside his worry about pleasing his own brother, the great Marquess of Wrexham, he’d see and accept that Ethan was who she really wanted.
“I know you are scared,” Ethan said as her hitched breathing slowed.
“And I know there could be real consequences to the choices you make. But, Alice, I’m telling you that I love you and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you.
So whether you choose a future together or not, I will respect your decision.
But I don’t want you to have any doubt as to how I feel for you or what I hope for, and I want you to know with all certainty that if you decide to fight for us, I’ll be by your side to support you every step of the way. ”
Ethan leaned forward and placed a kiss on her head. With a final squeeze of her hands, he stood and left her to her thoughts, asking the footman to see her to her room to rest on his way out.
That was so like him, always looking out for her. In that moment, her heart knew what she must do, even if it might kill her.
Alice sucked in a breath and held it for a moment before letting it out slowly, shakily.
From the age of eight, ever since the accident, she’d tried to be the best daughter possible, never causing her father a moment of upset if it could be helped.
But now, she knew the only way to live a life that would make her truly happy meant she would severely disappoint him.
She needed to be braver than she had ever been before.