Chapter 19 #2
“You are silent, nauri. Why, do you disapprove of everything I say?” she asked teasingly. “Perhaps you do. But my father once put it this way: We can cling to withering classics, but all we will be doing is guarding an empty shell.”
At this, Seojun had to look away, seized by the discomforting reminder of her family.
She was near perfection, nearly all bewitching delight.
But her family was her fatal flaw. “Your father is free-spirited in his thinking,” he murmured, “though I suppose that is how one tends to think, when one lives isolated from power.”
She arched a brow. “My father is studying for the civil service exam. Indeed, I am convinced he will pass it this time and secure a position in the government—”
“How many times has Scholar Shin failed?”
“Three. But nearly every gentleman fails at least thrice, I hear.”
“Even if your father were to pass, he would never be placed in high office,” Seojun said matter-of-factly.
He had made inquiries into her background the past few days, and the more he’d learned, the more troubled he’d become.
She belonged to a family that his father would never have considered associating with.
“Scholar Shin comes from Pyeongan-do, the Gwanseo region.”
“And what of that? Pyeongan-do is a lovely province.”
He slid her a curious glance. “Those from the northern province like your father are always excluded from being appointed to key posts.” It was an unwritten rule that everyone knew. “And for that matter, your mother … her lineage would be of no service to him. She is the daughter of a merchant—”
“A merchant who became a yangban noble.”
“Many families purchase the yangban status these days. It holds no real weight. Not like it once did.”
Haewon drew her shoulders back, a cold civility pinching her expression.
“I mean only this,” he added quickly. “That you are intelligent, quite remarkable, and lovely. You have a mind that rivals my own—despite your lowly upbringing. I truly do have the highest regard for you.”
“Well, that is certainly news. I was quite convinced you despised me.”
Her words caught him off guard. Hatred was the furthest thing he felt for her. “How could I despise you? I am—I am most fond of you, Mistress Haewon.”
She blinked. “Fond of me?”
His heart pounded; cold perspiration gathered on his back as he realized he would have to admit to his feelings for her.
He’d never done anything like this before.
But the dread eased away as he watched her sitting there, perched on a rock, surrounded by a cluster of tiny purple flowers.
She sat there so proudly like it was her throne.
And when a breeze tumbled by, blossoms showered down from the branches, catching on her veil like soft white adornments.
Her eyes, ever dancing with light, were steadied on him, and he was convinced that he would never encounter a woman more beautiful than she.
“Unfortunately, Mistress Haewon,” his voice rasped, “I have come to care for you, most deeply. For months I’ve thought of you.”
Her brows pressed together, emotions racing across her countenance.
First was a look of confusion and incredulity, which was to be expected.
Any sensible woman would realize that his confession was akin to receiving a promise of a better life.
Seojun then expected a look of joy to brighten her expression, or at least gratitude.
Instead, she appeared infuriated.
“Unfortunately?” she repeated, her voice cutting. “Yes, I suppose it is unfortunate for a great gentleman like you to fancy a woman like me, of such inferior birth. No, indeed, you really ought to try harder. To forget me, that is.”
He frowned, utterly bewildered by her response. “You are—you are asking me to forget you.”
“Yes. I could never reciprocate your feelings. I could never respect or care for someone like you.”
Her words were arrows loosed at him, and they met their mark, leaving a gaping hole in his chest. “Someone like me?”
“Yes. Arrogant, so arrogant. You take such delight in looking down your nose at my family. And you despise novels. That I cannot forgive—”
“Mistress Haewon,” he bit out as he felt a rare stirring of anger.
Magpie, he wanted to say, it is me, Black Lotus.
This truth was the most vulnerable part of him, a secret he had hoped to share when the opportunity arose.
But he would simply tell her now, concern and caution be damned. “Do you know who I am?”
“I will not be interrupted, Lord Yu,” she said, steel in her voice. “I think those like you who dislike novels are the most miserable. It is a reflection of your character and speaks to a rigidness that I cannot stand—”
“Do you know who I am?” he repeated, enunciating each word. Never had he met a more obstinate girl. “Do you know why I have been thinking of you for months?”
Her face flushed redder, outraged. “You have interrupted me twice now, but since you are so eager to know, I will give you my answer. I know enough about you, Lord Yu. I know all I need to know and, frankly, have no desire to learn more.”
“Shin Haewon—”
“Let us end this conversation, Lord Yu.” She rose to her feet, readjusted her veil as she said, with finality, “Truly, there is nothing more abhorrent than imposing your feelings on someone as reluctant as I.”
The flash of anger sharpened into a searing burn.
He was not accustomed to such rudeness. He couldn’t bear feeling so defenseless, so humiliated.
“You stare at me with contempt in your eyes as though I have spoken abominably, when all I have done is state the facts,” he brusquely countered, and knew what he would say next was unkind, but he said it anyway.
“It is fact that your mother’s side is common by blood.
It is fact that your father will never hold a position in court.
And it is no less true that the novels you cling to are mere trifles.
Do not pretend otherwise. You speak of them as though the world would end at their loss, as though their confiscation were a tragedy.
” He gritted his teeth, hating every word he had uttered, hating every word he had written, now the source of all his troubles.
“But the world will go on. Nothing of true value will be lost.”
Haewon fell quiet, her eyes red-rimmed as she turned away from him.
She stared at the pavilion, where the lovebirds still conversed in total oblivion.
“In truth,” she said quietly, “I remain rather taken aback by your interest in me. We are so different, the two of us, and I think you could never truly care for me. Not in a way that is respectable and kind.”
A muscle worked in his jaw. His heart felt numb near the site of her wounding words, around the awareness of the irrecoverable damage he had caused.
“Very well, then,” he said. “I apologize, Mistress Haewon, for sharing my heart to you. I had no idea you would find my feelings for you so offensive.”
“Is this how you open your heart to someone? I hate—” She closed her eyes, a spasm of pain tightening her features. Then the truth finally escaped her: “I hate how small you make me feel.”
Guilt jabbed deep into his chest, but before he could say anything, Haewon caught up her skirt and moved to leave.
“Today is my sister’s special day,” she said, without looking at him.
“I won’t let anything spoil it. So, please, if you have any decency, please let us resume being strangers.
You do not need to be amiable, or anything at all. Our conversation ends here.”