22. Savannah
Iwanted to jump up and go after Ben, but Mai beat me to it. That was pretty audacious of the woman who’d accused her brother of being a cutter and runner. Maybe she hadn’t seen the hurt on his face when he’d said those words, but I couldn’t miss it. When she returned less than a minute later, I assumed he’d rightly sent her away.
I stood. “Thanks, everyone. That was a great dinner.” They’d all pulled together to make it happen, to celebrate Ben’s success. I hoped he would feel better by morning and be able to appreciate it, too. “I have to…”
“Understood,” Ryan said.
“You’re heading to bed already?” Mai asked. “I hoped you’d want to hang out tonight.”
Had she missed what everyone else had seen? I thought Ben had made it pretty obvious. I didn’t have the patience to explain it to her. I’d always loved her like a sister, and I still did, but in that moment, I didn’t much like her.
“I’m not going to bed,” I said as I walked past her on my way to the stairs.
“Savvy, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now,” she said. “He sent me away. He probably isn’t looking for a friend right now.”
I turned to face her and crossed my arms over my chest. “Can you blame him for sending you away? Cut and run, Mai? Really?”
“I never said that.”
Maybe she hadn’t used those words, but I’d bet money she’d called him Three-Be Ben over the years, just like their dad had. Neither one of them had bothered to notice how their words had sliced at his heart. I didn’t have the energy to argue with her. I started up the stairs.
She caught up to me on the second floor. “Savannah, wait. We can go see him together.”
“He already told you he doesn’t need his sister. And by the way, I’m not going to him as his friend.”
Her face went blank, then she furrowed her brow. “What does that mean?”
I watched understanding dawn on her, then continued up the stairs, leaving her behind.
“Savvy, that’s… I think it’s…”
“I don’t care what you think, Mai. Right now, I only care about Ben.”
Ben’s door was unlocked,which didn’t surprise me. We’d developed the habit of leaving our rooms open for each other. I slipped inside. The living room was dark. There was a faint glow in the bedroom, but he wasn’t there, either. The bathroom door was closed, and his electric toothbrush buzzed from the other side of it.
Crawling into his bed wouldn’t lead to conversation, and right now, we needed to talk. I returned to the living room and perched on the sofa. A few minutes later, the bathroom door opened.
“Sav?” He’d noticed me immediately. “Why are you sitting in the dark?”
“How did you know I was here?”
He leaned on the bedroom doorframe and crossed his arms over his bare chest. He still wore his jeans slung low over his narrow hips. I longed to trace my fingers over his skin. I closed my eyes. Talk. I came to talk.
“Are you okay?” Brilliant, but we had to start somewhere.
He scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “Can we do this in here? I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to, but I need to lie down.”
“Why wouldn’t I want you to touch me?” I followed him into the room. “I mean, we should probably talk, but I’m not trying to keep my distance. Unless you need space.”
He lay down on the bed and opened his arms. “I need to hold you, unless you hate me for being such an asshole earlier.”
“No one thinks that.” I crawled into his arms. It felt like home. We both sighed. “Did you speak to Mai?”
“Just to tell her to go away.”
I turned into him. “She loves you, Ben. Your whole family does.”
He nodded slowly. “I love them, too. But I do need space from them.”
“Being stationed on the opposite coast and constantly deploying didn’t give you enough space?”
He didn’t answer.
I didn’t know what to say next. It’s not like I was an expert on families. Mine had fallen apart the day my dad died of an unexpected, massive heart attack when I was fourteen. My mom had barely held herself together after that, let alone our little unit. Maybe because I’d had so little with my family, I could see how he had so much. In high school, I’d thought their lives were perfect. But there was no such thing. I’d figured that out by the summer I’d dated Ben. I’d been an outsider that this family had lovingly invited in, but I’d realized he’d been the insider that had always hung on the fringe.
He ran his fingers over my shoulder. “You’re quiet.”
“I’m thinking.”
“You’re good at that. Anything you want to share?”
I splayed my hand on his bare chest, over the steady beat of his heart. “If we were to date, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“Are you asking for a risk analysis of the potential for nuclear war?”
I poked his side. “I’m serious. From an emotional standpoint, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“Hmm, I love it when you use four-syllable words. Or maybe it’s four-letter words.”
“Stop deflecting.”
He blew out a long breath. “Okay, the lady wants serious. Worst case, I’d live up—or down—to being Three-Be Ben. I’d cut and run and break your heart again.”
“And yours wouldn’t break?”
“Of course, it would. But you asked for worst-case. That’s always going to be anything bad happening to you.”
I blinked back tears. “I don’t know why you don’t understand, you feeling that way is exactly what makes you a good bet.” I took a deep breath to collect myself. “But start there. Let’s say you break my heart.” I propped myself up on my elbow and stared down at him. “Then what?”
“Then…” He traced his fingers down my side. “I hate myself.”
“And what happens to me?”
“You probably do what you did last time. Survive. Start a new life. Move a couple thousand miles away and build an empire.”
I kissed his chest.
He sighed. “Point taken. You’re not glass, you won’t shatter, you’ll sing ‘I Will Survive’ at every karaoke bar from here to California, and then you’ll get on with your life.” He turned toward me and pressed his forehead to mine. “But I’ll still fucking hate myself for causing you more pain. You don’t deserve it.”
“Do you know anyone who does?”
“Devlin jumps to mind. And whoever is working with him to bankrupt your company. And the Aussie asshole—”
I pressed my fingers over his lips. “Let’s say anyone not on your personal enemies list.”
“In that case, no.”
“That means you don’t deserve more pain, either. And let’s face it, being away from me will definitely cause you pain.”
He smiled and cupped my cheek. “Truer words were never spoken. I’m still scared of fucking this up.”
“How about this?” I kissed his forehead. “If you can’t believe in yourself yet, let me believe in you enough for both of us.” I kissed his cheek. “Because I’m not sure we have other options here.” I brushed my mouth against his lips. “Because I’m already in too deep to walk away unscathed.”
He rolled gently on top of me and kissed me. His lips were soft and plying. I opened for him. He slanted his mouth and dove deeper into me, setting me on fire from inside out.
When we came up for air, I wrapped my arms round his neck. “Ben Hayes, are you agreeing to date me?”
“On one condition.” He rolled onto his back and took me with him. “You’ll have to be on top tonight. Otherwise, it might kill me.”
I straddled him and wiggled until he moaned. “Did I say you were getting laid tonight?”
“Pretty sure you did. At least, I heard it somewhere. Maybe I said it inside my head.” He arched under me, as hard and ready as I was wet and willing. “What if I ask really, really nicely?”
I pulled off my shirt, unclasped my bra, and tossed them both aside. “Then it’s possible I can be persuaded.”
After Ben fellinto a deep sleep, I crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom, where I borrowed his toothbrush and washed my face. When I crawled back into bed, he turned from his back onto his side and pulled me against him.
“Glad you’re back,” he murmured.
I snuggled up tight against him. “I was gone less than ten minutes.”
“Mm. I mean back in my life.”
I kissed his shoulder. “If you like it so much, remember not to leave next time.”
He kissed the back of my head. “I will. And if I go all stupid again, remember to come after me.”