Chapter Thirty-One
Azazel
“Sometimes I wonder if I’ve lived before. If, in my past life, I offended the stars. Maybe that’s why they cursed me with this second wretched existence. With parents who hate me.”
The grass was hidden beneath piles of snow, the soft powder blowing into our faces from the icy wind gusts as we hiked to the spot.
“Almost there,” I reassured Nova, pulling her into my side. She nodded, her hair beginning to freeze against her face. The curls were frizzing, becoming stiff and large. I wished I could help, but all we could do was push on.
The spot we were meeting at was the same one Talon and I had stumbled upon when we were kids.
The trees formed a triangle-shaped opening, the branches all leaning towards one another over the tiny clearing.
It was a space perfect for our group. We’d go out there and laugh, drink, complain, argue, even outwardly doubt all we’d learned.
It was the one place in the entire world we were truly safe.
“Is that it?” Nova asked, her body sinking further into mine. Sure enough, there was our place. Our safe haven.
A large rock poked out of the northern point of the clearing, the snow not quite covering it. I pulled her along, grinning widely despite the fact we were knee deep in freezing powder.
Upon the rock tip was a note, the parchment shaped like a perched snake.
Laughing, I placed my hand against the ward I knew would be there, closing my eyes to focus.
The worst thing about wards was that they could always be broken, so long as the person wanting past was strong enough.
Our magic was measured in strange ways that felt as if they ebbed and flowed.
Like nothing was concrete. Maybe that was by the stars’ design.
Perhaps they preferred the chaos that entailed.
After a few seconds I felt the ward shatter, pieces of the magic humming as they dissipated. Wind whipping through the clearing, the note flew on a gust, forcing me to jump up and catch it.
Nova steadied me as I came back down, her hand fitting perfectly in the dip at the center of my chest. We both stared at the note, ready to go home and open it in the safety of our cottage.
Yet, I couldn’t make myself shadow walk us.
Couldn’t look away from the clearing, where peace permeated the air and memories danced in the light.
Brittle tree branches swayed, clouds moving lazily through the sky. A single bird leapt across the ground, fluttering its tiny brown wings every so often. I swore I could hear our laughter echoing across the area.
“What’s wrong?” Nova asked, leaning into my line of sight.
Unlike me, she didn’t seem to fit here. Where I embodied the cold, she radiated heat.
Every snowflake that stuck to her stood out in stark contrast to what it clung to, the intricate details more noticeable in comparison. She was a sun, and I a moon.
And somehow I still felt that we were a perfect fit.
“Just remembering good times.” My smile softened, images of us as kids flashing across the back of my lids as I closed them.
“Want to tell me about them?”
My eyes shot open, startled by her gentle tone. “Really?”
“Of course. I’m a sucker for a good story or two.”
Smiling, I let her go, doing a slow circle, breathing in the perfect air. She perched on the rock, watching me with a grin so wide her big eyes folded in half.
I love you so much, I thought. Then I began.
“Talon and I found this place by accident one day. We loved to come to the woods. It felt like freedom. I was ten, he was nine. Quinn and Cal were eight, Dove was twelve, and I think Pri would’ve been four at the time.
She didn’t get to play with us yet, so it was only the five of us running through the trees that day. ”
I let my fingers graze the branches we’d run past, watching the scene unfold in my memories.
“Tal and I were fastest, lost in a race we’d be in for the rest of our lives. He barreled through these trees here, stumbling into the clearing. We were both so amazed that we didn’t even argue over who won or who cheated or when we’d race again. Instead, we stared in awe.”
I could still smell the flowers, feel the sun peeking through the breaks in leafy branches. I let my head tip back, staring up at the grey clouds and twisting branches above.
“It was spring at the time, so flowers bloomed throughout the area. The grass was overgrown, weeds everywhere. I remember how itchy it all felt. How we both couldn’t move or look away.
It was such a mess. Neither of us had seen disarray like that before.
Everything in our lives was perfectly curated.
Cut grass, pristine clothes, balanced meals.
We weren’t allowed to spill or slip or misspeak.
But in the clearing, there was chaos. Beautiful, pure chaos. ”
It had felt like the first deep breath I’d ever taken. A brief, fleeting moment of relief. Like the stars were gifting us something special.
“By the time the others found us, Tal and I had already decided that this place was ours. The five of us spent hours here that day. So long that we were all punished when we got home. But when our days of solitude were up, we came back. Dove worried a lot. She didn’t want Talon in any more trouble.
Quinn thought things through enough that, even as a child, he weighed out the pros and cons.
Caleb and Talon didn’t care, and neither did I. We just wanted peace.”
I looked at her, watching as her eyes glazed over slightly, as if she was trying to picture the scene as well. If I was capable of alghazi, I’d show her. Help her see what we were before the world poisoned us.
“In autumn, we told scary stories over a fire we struggled to start. When winter came, we had epic snowball fights. After Pri turned six, we brought her here for the first time. You don’t have a lot of options when you can only befriend other core kids, so she was welcomed in eagerly.
She loved it so much. Flowers became her thing for a while.
She’d wear them, collect them, gift them.
Her favorite color is still the shade of purple that the tiniest flowers here bloomed. ”
I remembered the way she leapt and dove around the clearing, singing songs that were far darker than any of us realized—ones sung to us as we slept, crafted to mold us.
Even with the ominous words, her squeaky voice and bright grin prevented any darkness from entering.
She’d decorate us with flowers, weave crowns, and eat chocolates she knew her mother would disapprove of.
Pri had never been happy like that anywhere else.
“One time when I was thirteen, after I got beaten pretty badly, Tal forced us all to meet here. Only the four of us boys came, and when we got here, Talon showed us that he’d stolen a bottle of tequila from his father’s study.
We were all so baffled that none of us drank it at first. Eventually, we began swallowing far too much, laughing and vomiting.
None of us knew what being drunk was, that was another thing too messy to be.
So you can imagine what happened when we got back to Castle Altair, each of us barely able to walk and covered in dirt and vomit.
We were beaten so badly that healing took a full day.
Talon got it the worst for stealing. We didn’t see him again for over a week. ”
It had been the first time I realized I was responsible for us. More so than Dove, because I was the oldest boy, and that meant something to me then. Dove didn’t agree, but she’d always been smarter than me.
“When they finally came back to Castle Altair, we all decided to sneak something. As it turned out, we each went for wine. That was much easier on the stomach. Priya hated that we didn’t share with her, but Dove brought her juice and fed us all crackers.
She monitored our every sip, scolding us for being irresponsible and putting Talon in danger.
We got a good verbal lashing, but we were all more careful after that.
From then on, when one of us needed to escape, we’d meet in our clearing—our paradise. ”
Again, I touched the leaves, walking along the edge of the clearing. I let myself recall the way it had all looked with each passing season, every fading year. I imagined our laughter, missing it more than anything.
“Dove was good at making sure we all had fun, but she didn’t let us stray too far from safety.
I wasn’t really allowed in the Star District, so this place stayed our go to for a long time.
I…I miss it. Well, I miss them. Dove…she would have hated seeing us all apart.
She deserved more time. More…joy. We got so little of it before she was gone. ”
Nova’s voice was raspy as she said, “I’m so sorry, Az.”
“Last year, Talon changed. Our Talon—the one who brought us here after I was beaten, who cracked barely funny jokes constantly and always made sure we were smiling—he’d never have hurt Dove.
She was oldest, but she was treated like her namesake once we were all adults and had magic.
Our little dove we all protected.” I remembered how we’d so deeply treasured her, soft and loving as she was.
No one could hate Dove. “Towards the end—during academy, I mean—we had all found ourselves lost without Talon. Dove especially. Had he really been planning to kill her the entire time? Could we have helped him? Changed anything? Maybe if I hadn’t resented him for leaving me when I needed him, then I could have actually helped.
Or maybe I left him somewhere down the road and didn’t realize it.
I don’t know. I just can’t wrap my head around it all. ”
“It’s not your job to understand, and it’s not your burden to bear.” I watched as she stood, slowly making her way to me. “You can’t put it all on your shoulders. He made his choices.”