Chapter 42
“Go get your girl, Jed. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
I shook my head. “Actually, Jer, I think I’m gonna get back to the church. I need some sense of normalcy, and I can’t keep leaving Sayuri to fend off Gloria and that damn bishop.”
Jerry clapped me on the knee and unlocked my door. “Mighty brave of you. What changed your mind?”
I thought about the question. The answer was always Sayuri. She changed me.
“There’s something…familiar about Sayuri. I can’t put my finger on it, Jer. I feel like I’ve known her for years. You’re gonna laugh at me, but I’ve dreamed about her most of my life, and I don’t know why.”
Jerry looked thoughtful.
“Is it so bad to meet and fall in love with the literal woman of your dreams?”
I laughed at that. “It is when you’re a priest, and she’s your altar girl…but even beside that, I get the weird feeling that she’s not only from my dreams…sometimes she feels familiar but not in a good way.”
Now Jerry laughed. “Aw, Priesty Pop. That’s when you know they’re your person. Dawn is definitely vacating my brain in all aspects, and that woman, when she’s angry…she is terrifying.”
“Yeah…maybe…I don’t know. I was thinking of talking to her about it. I’ve felt this way for a awhile. Honestly, since she started working at the church, I’ve been having weird déjà vu moments, and I need to ask if she's ever had that feeling. Like I’ve met her in another life, maybe?”
Jerry’s smile turned hopeful. “Soulmates meet in many lives. Hopefully one of ‘em gives you two a happy ending. Think this will be a good one?”
No. I didn’t.
“I don’t know. Hope is the most dangerous thing I’ve ever felt, because it hurts the worst to lose. I want us to live in a world where we can be together…but an ending together doesn’t always mean it’s happy.”
Jerry gave me a side hug, and I left the truck, trying to shake off the existential bullshit in my brain and give Sayuri the best of me.
I hope she will be happy to hear I’m coming back to the church…
The minute I opened the door after a few taps on the door, the smoke wafted from the kitchen and made my vision hazy.
The smog curled lazily into the corners of the room, carrying the faint scent of chocolate and sugar.
I leaned against the doorway, my muscles were still tight from sparring with Jerry every day this week, but it wasn’t my body I was trying to steady—it was my mind.
“Fuck! Goddammit! Shit! Ugh! What an asshole bitch fucker!” Sayuri’s voice cut through the quiet like a rock to the head. A crash followed, the harsh sound of a dish hitting the counter, and then she muttered in Japanese the same curse words.
Something was off. I’d never heard Sayuri say curses. Not really, she was very composed and seemed to keep those to herself, but right now everything was sharp and frantic. My chest tightened, and my hands instinctively clenched to protect her.
Two weeks.
That was all it had been since those monsters tried to break me.
Two weeks since I’d been violated, dragged into the helpless panic I was drowning in.
Two weeks since memory could’ve pulled me under again with the nightmares alone.
But I was still here.
I was breathing and present. Seeing her flustered and angry made me want to act. Even the shell that remained of me was entirely hers.
All I had to give was hers.
“Baby? Everything okay?”
She spun at my presence, her onyx eyes wide with breathing quick. “Jed! You—don’t sneak up on me like that!”
“I knocked, sweetheart,” I said, my voice low and measured, making my hands visible. “I promise. I think you were distracted.”
Her gaze flicked to the burnt dessert, then back at me. Her cheeks flushed, and her lips trembled.
“It’s…ruined,” she whispered. “I can’t do anything right. I was just trying to…I was hoping I could…I’m just…I’m sorry, ōkami.”
I swallowed and gave her a soft smile. Two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been able to help her. Her voice, the sudden movement, hell, even the smallest clatter would have made me freeze or worse…anger me. Now, though, I dared to step forward and be her anchor.
Slowly.
I can be here.
Anything for her.
I moved closer to her, my hands hovering at her waist. It wasn’t claiming. I’d never take something she didn’t give. The gesture was to steady us both, anchoring me in the moment and her in a peace I could offer in the chaos.
“Hey,” I murmured softly. “Don’t talk like that about yourself. You didn’t ruin anything.”
She blinked at me, her lips twitching and her beautiful eyes filled with tears.
“I did. I tried to make you a sweet dish, but…my mind is not here. I can’t focus.”
I picked up the ruined dish and tasted a spoonful of the very burnt treat. It wasn’t for my benefit but hers.
“Anything is edible,” I murmured low, almost teasing, my hands linking more tightly around her. “With the right…presentation.”
She snorted, half amused and half exasperated. “You’re ridiculous, you know that? And a horrible liar.”
The table was close to us, the glossy top glowing from the light above. I looked from Sayuri to the table and finally leaned into her neck.
“Do you trust me?”
She froze in my grip with an audible gasp, but then she nodded slowly.
“With my life.”
That honor made me feel weirdly warm, and I blinked, trying to focus on my new task.
“Is this…okay?” I whispered, reaching the hem of her shirt and slowly pulling it up. The words carried weight. This wasn’t about Mochi. This was about boundaries. Trust, healing, and above all, permission.
Her subtle nod was enough to make my heart explode. It was just like her. Tiny, quiet but utterly perfect.
I lifted her slowly and carefully, setting her on top of the wood. Her fingers threaded into my hair, grounding me, tethering me to the now and not allowing for the past to invade this moment. I was here with her. Not trapped in the violent memories or the constant panic. This was…love, not fear.
Just her. Warm. Soft. Trusting…
Mine.
I continued pulling her shirt off her body and allowed myself a moment to admire her beauty. The complexion of her soft skin, the faded scars covering her wrists, chest, and stomach. She was breathtaking.
“You are the most beautiful soul I have ever seen, Sayuri. You take my breath away.”
She blushed, and her hands caressed her body in a gentle way that made us both swallow a little more thickly.
“Can I keep going?”
Her gaze didn’t leave mine.
“Yes. Please. Strip my body the way you’ve made my soul bare for you.”
Her skirt was next, and I couldn’t slow myself down. I gripped the fabric and shook, from the strength not to rip it off.
Don’t, Jed. Treasure this. Treasure her.
“You make me lose myself, Mortifera. There’s something about you that feels so familiar.”
Her eyes sparkled as she lay with just her chastity belt now, the slit in the bottom showed her wetness, and I felt myself harden despite the war in my head.
“Are you sure you are okay?”
Her attention to how I was feeling when she was the one completely naked before me made me feel so safe.
I pressed my forehead lightly against her stomach, letting her warmth keep me steady.
“Close your eyes, Sayuri.”
She obeyed without argument, and that made me shake for a different reason than fear.
“This may be a bit cold at first, okay”. My finger dipped into the melting ice cream underneath the burnt topping and hovered over her navel. The tiny nod made the warmth in my chest grow. I let a drop fall on her skin, and she gasped softly.
“See, beautiful? Presentation,” I whispered on her skin, my tongue licking away the sting of the chill.
I let my lips drift lower, brushing along the curve of her hips, every motion deliberate yet tentative.
“Are you ready for another?”
Her soft moans replaced the echoes of two weeks ago. Each shiver beneath my lips pulled me away from the memories. Her warmth replaced their coldness, her softness replaced their hard, rough hands, and her surrender took away my hesitation.
“Can I taste you, baby girl?” I said quietly, almost afraid to put the thought into words. But I needed permission.
Her nod was subtle, daring, and breathless. “Yes…”
I let my tongue dip lower, tasting metal from her cage, but the slits allowed me to tease her. I let more of the creamy dessert fall onto her body, lapping it up the minute it touched her skin.
She was breathtaking—a true masterpiece bringing me to my knees for her.
“How can damning my soul taste like fucking heaven?”
“In the end, we are all damned, ōkami. I choose to live beforehand.”
She was right.
Live.
I was living now. Breathing her essence and succumbing to her will.
“I choose hell then,” I said with a laugh that made her groan.
“You make me tempted, Father. You have always challenged my will to deny you.”
“Oh?” I mused, letting my tongue slip through the slit and flick her clit. “You wanted to deny me? How about now?”
Her body convulsed, and she whimpered. “No, Prayer Boy. I don’t want to deny you. Taste me. Taste what you do to me. Taste my sins.”
Those words made me gasp. An echo sounding my mind, not now. Before. The husky shadow of words spoken before, but it was the same.
What the fuck?
“Are you okay? We don’t have to do this. I’m sorry. Don’t feel pressured, ōkami.”
I shook my head, trying to get a handle on my reality and the weird shifting of my past.
“I…yeah…I’m sorry, baby…I am not feeling very well all of a sudden.”
Sayuri rose from the table, slipping off the top and wrapping her arms around me as if to steady someone so much bigger than her.
“I’m not very good at cheering you up. Damn, I really suck,”
Sayuri shook her head. “Jedidiah. Don’t say stuff like that. I’m okay. Just being with you. I’m okay. Let’s get you to bed.”
I held her hand and stopped her from guiding me to the stairs.
“Us.”
She paused and stared into my eyes. “What did you say?”
“I said us. Let’s go to bed. Both of us. Together.”
Sayuri blinked a few times before I saw her smile and softly nod. “Okay. Let’s go to bed, ōkami. Together.”
The weird shadow lingered in my mind, but her warmth made it dissipate, even if it was slowly.
Why does she feel like an echo?
“Sayuri,” I said, and she took a moment to respond, her body already half asleep in my arms.
“Yes?”
“Why do you feel so familiar to me?”
She hummed in her half-asleep state. “A soul can recognize another from any time when they are connected as one. We have met many times, our soul always finds one another.”
I smiled widely at that.
“In America, we have a name for that, baby. It’s called a soul mate.”
She hummed again, a sleepy smile playing on her lips. “In all lives, every time we have met, I have known it was not the last.”
“You feel so familiar, Sayuri. Do I feel that way to you? Why do I feel like I’ve known you for a long time, not just a few months?”
Her eyes were closed, and her words were hard to hear now, but I could hear her soft response.
“Because once upon a time…you saved me.”
My heart skipped a beat. Saved?
“What do you mean? How did I save you?”
I waited for her response, but all I heard was soft snores and deep, calming breaths.
There were too many ghosts in my head, and now I looked at my Mortifera in my arms, wondering if she was the girl of my dreams…or from my nightmares.