Chapter 45
Iwoke to cold stone beneath my back and the hollow echo of silence.
For a moment, I didn’t move. I stared up at the dark rafters of the church, breathing slowly. My body felt too heavy, and the faint scent of extinguished candles lingered in the air. Wax had cooled in uneven trails along the altar, pale and hardened like frozen tears on my body.
I noticed the chill before I realized.
Sayuri is gone.
Her warmth, what little had remained in my arms, was absent now, leaving in its wake a chill that made me shiver. No soft breathing beside me. No quiet rustle of movement, or the soft snores she swore were false. Just…nothing.
I was alone with the church and the vast emptiness crowding me.
“Sayuri?” My voice sounded wrong in the space, too loud and hopeful for my ears.
Nothing answered back, not even the flicker of the candles.
I sat up slowly, my joints stiff, and my heart tightening as I scanned the sanctuary. The candles had burned down to blackened stubs. The storm outside had passed, leaving only a dull gray light filtering through the stained-glass windows.
It was morning.
Fuuuuuck.
It was morning, and I was naked on my altar. The realization settled in my chest like a stone.
She must’ve left while I was asleep…but, why?
I dragged a hand over my face and exhaled, long and unsteady.
Where would she go? Had I done something wrong?
Another part of me, the older, more cautious one, offered an explanation that hurt less than the answers I didn’t have.
She got scared. She ran because she was afraid. Maybe she couldn’t handle what we’d done, or maybe what it meant.
I sighed to myself. I meant every word I said last night.
Would she run forever? Was it too much for her, crossing a line that couldn’t be uncrossed?
I stood, the chill of the church seeping into my bones more and more, as I peeled the wax off my body and tried to clean the altar with my discarded underwear.
When it was somewhat decent, I walked upstairs to my office.
I kept extra pairs of robes here, in case of a spill or something. As I dressed, the fabric felt heavier than usual, and the collar was a familiar weight that steadied me even as my thoughts spiraled to hell.
She’ll be back.
Maybe she left to change. She needed her own robes for services.
She always comes early. Yes. That was it. She’d be back.
That thought was the only thing that got my ass moving. I washed up in silence in the bathroom, every sound echoing in my ears. I knew I was waiting to hear her footsteps.
My ears were fixated on any footsteps in the hall, or the distant creak of the building waking with the day.
Still no Sayuri.
When I returned to the sanctuary, fully dressed, cleansed, and ready to reclaim my church, I paused at the altar.
I’d woken alone on this damn slab.
But last night I’d done so much worse.
Why didn’t I care?
I straightened the cloth and continued wiping the cooled wax away. I was methodical and careful, as if restoring order might restore something else in my heart, too.
My fingers lingered where her body had been and where her presence still felt close enough to reach.
“She’ll be here,” I muttered under my breath. “She just needs time. She will be back.”
By the time the bells rang for morning service, I was composed enough to make it through greeting Gloria, or close enough to pass for it. She peppered me with questions about my absence, and I dodged them as best I could, urging her to call the Bishop and inform him his presence wasn’t needed.
“Of course, Father. I will do so now.”
I took my place at the front of the church, feeling my heart beat a little too fast as the doors opened and parishioners began to file in.
It was all familiar faces and familiar sounds.
A routine I usually fell into a steady rhythm under felt hollow.
The low murmur of voices settling into pews, and the greetings that went over my head.
I couldn’t focus.
My eyes searched without meaning to. Front rows. Side aisles—the place she liked to stand.
Nothing.
Empty.
A flicker of unease crept up my spine, sharper than before, and I forced myself to look away. I had to focus on the rhythm of the service and the words I’d spoken a hundred times before.
Still, every few seconds, my gaze betrayed me, drifting back to the doors.
Any moment now.
But the doors stayed closed.
As the full morning began, I felt it fully then, not panic, not yet, but a quiet, gnawing worry that refused to be ignored.
Sayuri hadn’t just stepped out to change, had she?
She was gone.
“Gloria. Have you seen Say—uh Ayakashi this morning at all? Is she cleaning somewhere?”
Gloria frowned. “No, Father. I haven’t seen her today. Is everything alright?”
No.
“Yes. Thank you, Gloria.” Even as I said the words, I wasn’t sure whether I should be waiting for a return…or preparing myself for the possibility that she wasn’t coming back at all.
“Oh! Father, I forgot to mention that someone left you something a few days ago. It’s on your desk.”
My body felt cold.
“Thank you, sister.”
Making my way to my desk, I felt the chill creep into my bones.
There was a quick shot photograph, slipped under the corner of my sermon notes.
I frowned, picking it up slowly to examine it more closely.
My chest tightened as I recognized it instantly: Sayuri, smiling, genuinely smiling so wide her face cracked wide, while leaning slightly toward someone, whispering privately with their gaze showing so much… love.
Heat crawled along my spine as my jaw tightened.
It was me.
I was the man in the photo.
I recognized the day, and I replayed the moment in my mind as if it just happened.
“Tag your it!”
This kid was going to kill me.
“Decan, slapping someone in the face is not an appropriate way to tag someone. Why don’t we play something else?”
Maria squealed and raised her hand. “Oh, oh, I know! Hide and seek!”
Elias, her older brother, was looking out the window, but nodded at the change.
“Hmm. What do you think, milady?” I said, looking at Sayuri.
She smiled widely and nodded. “Sure. Sounds fun. Maria, are you going to count?”
Decan squealed and toddled away to hide before Maria managed to turn around.
Sayuri and bolted too, looking for a reasonable hiding spot in this small room with kid toys that wouldn’t fit our damn pinky toe.
This was all too familiar and made me get a boner just thinking about being this close to her again.
Behave Jed.
I ducked for the pew in the corner, trying to squish myself beneath it. It was dark in this area, and I struggled to find a good hiding spot. Something grazed my foot, and I squealed as Maria had. Sayuri laughed at my dismay and shook her head. Looks like we both chose this spot to hide.
Again.
“Scoot over.” I loudly whispered. “You are the size of an acorn compared to me. I need more room.”
“No way, Goliath. Move your foot off my head.”
“Okay, David, I would if you didn’t have your heel in my spine.”
We adjusted, grunts and groans creaking worse than the wood above us.
“Shhh! Someone’s coming,” she said, pushing her hand over my mouth.
Her mouth was pressed against her hand. Her eyes were so free and playful. I had never seen her like this. The more we played with these kids the more I saw a part of her break out of the cage she held herself in.
“Come out, come out! I heard you grunting like old people!”
I snorted, and Sayuri wacked my head with her other hand.
“Ow. You better not have anything buzzing this time, and maybe we have a chance.” I whined, muffled by her hand.
Her eyes told me to shut the fuck up, so I obeyed, but before I licked her palm in defiance.
“Found you! You two look like snakes trying to kill each other. Mommy and daddy look like that, too. Are you in love?”
Sayuri and I pulled away from each other, clearing our throats and exiting the stuffy wooden board.
Even after my half-assed excuse to the small child, I was looking at Sayuri. She was leaning against the pew with that same smile I had.
Is she thinking the same? Does Maria know something we didn’t?
The memory faded, but her smile remained in my mind. The photo felt like a challenge, a whisper of accusation left for me to find, as though someone wanted to see me falter. My fingers traced the edges, careful not to crease it.
I turned it over. No note. No warning. Nothing but the image itself. My pulse quickened regardless, and the threat regarding her felt intimate in some way. It made my stomach knot. My mind raced through scenarios but came up empty.
Had she given me this?
Was this a way of saying goodbye?
Or has someone been watching us?
Was this some kind of message?
Did Sayuri see this?
Is that why she’s not here?
It dawned on me, and I saw red.
Kaito.
I shoved the photograph into my robes pocket, trying to calm the sudden surge of possessiveness that threatened to bleed into my voice.
The sermon. Focus, Jed. You can look for the slimy fucker later. Don’t alarm Sayuri. She has been safe from his influence for months. He hadn’t disturbed her at the church, and the only place we went after work was my parish house.
She’s safe. She was just here. She is getting dressed, and she will be back at the church.
Just breathe.
I had to move past this before the full congregation arrived and the sermons started.
The pews were filling fast when I stepped into the nave, my heart still tight, but at least I got control of my facial expressions.
Every face looked calm when they came in, expectant, and ready for guidance.
Each person greeted me, and the air felt calm.
But I felt the weight of eyes. Like I was being watched even now.
Where are you, Sayuri?
Usually, she was beside Gloria or at my side. Now she was missing, and I tried not to worry myself into a hole. I tried to remind myself that she liked playing with the children when she escaped Gloria.