Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Elias
This was wrong.
My mind was screaming at me. Regardless of whether I wore my alb or a sweatshirt, I was a priest. I couldn’t have a man backed against a bed like this.
Not anymore.
Not Ronan.
How was this area not painful enough already that it wouldn’t block any and all lust from my mind? He had been kissing me here when we were sixteen, but he had been buried in my sister against the wall that was across from us now, too.
This entire home held nothing but pain and memories of what I could never have.
How many times had I punched that damned wall until my knuckles bled?
Why him, God?
Why did you bring Ronan back to me?
Why do you feel you need to test me so painfully?
What have I done to deserve this cruel punishment?
“Elias.” Ronan breathed, his dark gray eyes closing in the peace of this moment.
His lips were so close.
I could smell the fresh bread he had eaten when he arrived at my home. I could see the small cracks on his lips from the cold, harsh weather outside. I could feel him tremble.
Waiting.
It would be so easy to lean forward just that last fraction of an inch and relive that stolen moment in time when we were teenagers. Young boys caught in our passion. I could hear his moans from all those years ago, and I remembered the taste of his lips as they crashed into mine.
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against their own body,” I spoke the verse to myself more than to Ronan, but he pulled away.
“A new command I give you: Love one another,” he said, not letting my eyes leave his own. “As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.”
Naturally, he’d respond with another verse. That was Ronan Saint Clare for you—constantly searching for a loophole in a world full of unyielding rules.
“Speaking of…” I said, preparing to ask the most awkward question of my life.
Ronan was watching me, waiting for me to say something.
Did he know what I wanted to ask? He was around more than one ex today, Maria and me. How could he act so normal? I had to know. It had been eating at me since hearing that news.
“How long did you date Maria? You said you broke up. Was it serious?”
Ronan swallowed, blinking a few times before answering, but he didn’t meet my eyes.
“Casual. I don’t know. I don’t keep track of things like that.”
Meanwhile, I knew exactly how long I had known Ronan. I remembered the very second we met…
* * *
Eighteen Years Ago
My father was behind me, dragging that stupid deer that smelled horrible. Maria was lagging behind, and I was already too far ahead.
Pop was going to yell at me if I kept going. Maria was always whining about her hair getting wet or her feet hurting. I still didn’t understand why Pop insisted on taking her hunting with us, but every time I asked him, he just told me, ‘You will understand someday, my son. We are all equal.’
The clearing to the forest was just ahead, and my feet were itching to take off to the flower-covered area by the big tree. Maybe I could tease Maria later by carving her name next to Jimmy Baston’s in the bark of the big tree.
Snickering at my masterful plan, I took off, running faster than I had before, just so I could make it worth it when I ultimately got in trouble.
It was like a treasure hunt around here. You had to follow a number of scents, paths, and memories. A hunter needed to use their instincts to get to the booty. The tree was shining in the distance, and I was so close now.
I couldn’t wait to hear Maria squeal at me when I showed her.
Right as I got to the tree, I heard a faint sound that made me furrow my brows in curiosity and a bit of fear.
It sounded like…crying?
Who was out here?
My family owned so much of this land that I doubted any neighbors had wandered over the property line, but it was definitely human.
“Hello? Who’s here? My Daddy will shoot you, don’t get smart or cocky, okay?”
The sniffling stopped, and it was followed by a sharp inhale. There was someone here, and they were hiding. My hand trailed across the bark as I began to walk around the tree, but then a form smashed into me and knocked me to the ground.
“Ow! Hey, stop!”
The person took off running so fast, I couldn’t see who it was or where they were going. Pop was going to be really mad if I ran off to chase him. There was a trailer park near here, and he said those people were troubled. I wanted to listen, I really did, but I had to know who was crying behind our tree.
Without thinking better of it, I took off after the person. They may be fast, but not as fast as me. I was Elias Cross. The chase lasted way too long, and my opponent was a true equal to my own speed. That just made me want to catch them more. Finally, I saw him, a little boy about my age.
He had dark hair, and he looked scared of something.
“Hey! What are you running from? I mean, besides me. I won’t hurt ya, but my Pop don’t like trespassers.”
The boy stopped and turned around to face me. His face was covered in dirt and tears. “I am tryin’ to find help for my mama! She…uh, fell down the stairs, and I need to get her help. My stepdad is…asleep.”
I scrunched my face, trying to put together the pieces of his story. It didn’t feel like the truth, but something about how scared he was helped me see the truth in it.
“I’m Elias,” I said calmly, walking toward the boy.
He reminded me of one of the scared rabbits when they ran big foxes in the spring. “I won’t hurt ya. Let’s go to my Pa. He can help your mama. I promise.”
The boy still had that unsure look on his face. His pretty eyes darted around like he was waiting for someone else to chase him.
“I won’t hurt you. What’s your name?” I said again, walking closer to him.
I reached my hand out to him. Maybe he would know he wasn’t alone if he held onto something. I didn’t like feeling lonely. If he accepted my hand, that would make him feel safe.
“I’m…Ronan,” he said, and I smiled, extending my hand further out to him.
“Nice to meet ya, Ronan,” I greeted softly, slowly getting closer.
I didn’t want to spook him. I wanted to offer comfort in the only way I could until my Dad could help. “It’s gonna be okay now. My Pa will help your Mom, and then maybe we can all eat the buck we got tonight.”
Ronan was breathing heavily, and I started to lower my hand, afraid that I was just scaring him more, but then he reached the rest of the way and grabbed on.
My hand tingled. Even though he was scared, his hand was warm, making me happy.
* * *
I sighed at the memory of meeting Ronan, the boy who would become my best friend.
The cool air rushing in replaced the lingering warmth of Ronan memories.
“Come on,” he said, shaking his head and reaching a hand out to me.
I blinked at my memories of his chubby, boyish face and frightened eyes. He wasn’t that boy anymore, but he was still so scared in many ways.
But so was I…
I was the one to accept his hand tentatively now. It wasn’t romantic. It was anything but…
This was a gesture like the forest when we were kids, letting the other know they were there.
“Maybe the one thing we can’t fuck up is feeding your family?” he continued and yanked me toward the door.
I held my heart, trying to still the erratic beating as I followed after him.