Beneath His Robes

Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Elias

The chill in the air was absolutely frigid, but it was nothing compared to how my body reacted to Ronan being close again.

I hated how much he still affected me.

We walked in silence for a while. The soft crunch of our footsteps on the snow was the only sound that broke the stillness. His presence beside me was so familiar, yet it sent a shiver down my spine that had nothing to do with the cold.

He was always too close, always too present. It had been years since I’d seen him last, but the years didn’t seem to matter now. He was just as I remembered—steady, unyielding, a force of nature that had never truly let me go.

“Elias…” he said after a while, his voice low and rough, as if the cold had seeped into his chest, too. “You’re quiet.”

“I’m thinking,” I muttered, not knowing what to say. My mind was a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts, none of them good.

We were hunting, yes, but it wasn’t the hunt that occupied my thoughts. It was him. It was always him.

He stopped walking then, and I could feel it before I saw it—the weight of his gaze on me, the sharpness of his attention. The air between us felt charged, electric, as if everything we’d been holding back was about to burst.

I couldn’t look at him. Not now. Not when I could feel his eyes on me like a touch.

“Stop pretending, Elias,” Ronan said softly, and his words were like a shackle, dragging my gaze up to meet his. “You’re cold, but you’re not thinking about the snow.” His voice dropped even lower. “You’re thinking about me.”

I wanted to deny it and tell him he was wrong. But the truth hung in the air between us like a storm, and I couldn’t escape it.

“You should be,” he continued, his voice a whisper now, cutting through the cold air. “You should be thinking about me.”

I swallowed hard, forcing myself to stay calm to maintain control. It wasn’t easy. Not with the way his presence filled the space around me, the way his breath mingled with mine in the cold, and the way his scent—so familiar—wrapped around me like a second skin.

The snow fell heavier now, thick and soft, coating the world in a quiet blanket, but all I could hear was the rush of blood in my ears and the sound of my ragged breathing.

“You shouldn’t be here,” I said, and the words tasted bitter in my mouth.

But they were necessary. They had to be. If I let myself forget, if I let him get too close, I wouldn’t be able to walk away.

But even as I said it, I could feel him stepping closer. The air between us grew warmer, thick with something neither of us could avoid.

“I’ve always been here, Elias,” he replied, the words low and thick with something darker than the cold. “And you know it. You’ve always known it.”

His hand brushed against mine as he reached for his gun, the touch brief but enough to send a surge of heat through me, shocking in the freezing cold. I couldn’t focus on the hunt anymore—not with him standing so close.

Not with the way my heart was racing, not with the way every part of me wanted to reach out and drag him in, to close the space between us and finally let myself feel what I’d buried for so long.

But I couldn’t.

I wouldn’t.

“I made a vow,” I said, the words shaky but firm. “I chose this. I chose a path. I can’t…”

He didn’t let me finish. Before I could take another breath, his fingers curled around my wrist, pulling me a little closer. The touch was gentle, but it felt like a trap.

“Stop pretending, Elias,” he whispered again, his voice so close now that I could feel the warmth of it against my skin.

His breath was warm on my face, mixing with the cold, creating a heat that ran down my spine, making every nerve in my body tighten.

“We both know what’s happening here.”

I looked up at him, unable to look away now. The snow had fallen heavier, the world around us gone still, but the tension between us was all I could feel. All I could see.

He was right.

I hadn’t stopped thinking about him. Not once in all these years. But I wasn’t allowed to feel this. I wasn’t allowed to want this. I pulled my arm away from him, the movement jerky, my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn’t breathe.

“You’re right,” I whispered hoarsely, though I wasn’t sure what was more true—the fact that I was trying to fight the inevitable or that I didn’t want to fight anymore.

I could feel the weight of my collar pressing against my neck, a constant reminder of the promises I had made, the vows I had taken.

But Ronan didn’t move back.

He was still there, still too close. His breath mixed with mine in the cold air, and I hated that I could feel his warmth seeping into me, making my resolve crumble.

“You know I can’t do this,” I said, my voice quieter now, strained. “I can’t be with you.”

But his eyes—his eyes never wavered. They were full of that same burning, dangerous desire. It was the same thing I’d seen in him all those years ago.

“I’m not asking you to choose,” he said, his lips almost brushing mine now. “I’m just asking you to stop pretending you don’t still want this.”

The words hung in the air between us like smoke, thick and suffocating. My breath was coming in short, erratic bursts. The cold was still there, but it was nothing compared to the fire in his eyes. I could feel it, his need, his pull. And I could feel the same thing deep within me, threatening to break through the walls I’d built.

I closed my eyes, trying to steady myself, but all I could hear was the sound of my heartbeat, loud, frantic, and completely out of my control.

I pulled back from him, my breath still ragged in my chest. The cold air cut through me like a blade, but it couldn’t numb what was happening inside me. My heart pounded in my ears, and my hands shook with a mixture of desire and fear. The snow around us seemed to grow colder, more suffocating, as if the world itself was pressing in, reminding us of what we couldn’t have.

Ronan didn’t move.

His eyes were locked onto mine with an intensity that felt almost possessive like he was daring me to look away. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t look away from him now, not after everything.

“Why are you still doing this?” I said, my voice strained, as if speaking would somehow keep me grounded, tethered to the reality I had tried so hard to build.

He didn’t answer immediately, and in the quiet, I felt the weight of his gaze, the heat of his presence still surrounding me, even though he hadn’t moved an inch. The air between us felt charged, like the calm before a storm.

“I’m not doing anything, Elias,” he finally said, his voice a soft growl that sent a shiver down my spine. “You’re the one holding back. I’m just here, standing in front of you, the same as I always was. You’re the one who’s changed.”

His words hit harder than I expected, but he was right.

I had changed, but I wasn’t sure if it was for the better anymore.

I shook my head, trying to clear the fog in my mind and stop myself from falling into something I couldn’t control.

“I can’t…” The words caught in my throat.

“You can,” Ronan interrupted, stepping forward just a little. I could feel the heat from his body through the layers of our clothing. “I’ve always known you could. The problem isn’t that you can’t. The problem is that you won’t.”

I clenched my jaw, fighting the urge to give in to him. The pressure of his words and presence was like a vise squeezing around my chest. But even as I tried to hold onto my resolve, it was slipping away like sand through my fingers.

“You think this is easy for me?” I rasped, my hands trembling at my sides. “You think I want to feel this? To want you?”

The words hung between us, raw and jagged.

“I know it isn’t easy.” Ronan’s voice was softer now, and I saw something flicker in his eyes—a pain I had long forgotten.

He reached out again, this time taking my hand in his, the warmth of his touch shocking in its familiarity.

“But don’t you see? We don’t have to make it complicated. We never did.”

I looked down at his hand, the calloused palm against mine. The last time I felt this was years ago, but it might as well have been yesterday.

“I’m not the same man I was,” I said, my voice thick with the weight of everything I’d done to distance myself from him…From us. “I can’t just undo all of it. I can’t throw it all away for one moment, for one kiss.”

Ronan stepped closer, his breath ghosting across my face, and I could feel his pulse, steady and sure, echoing through the touch of his fingers.

“I’m not asking you to undo anything, Elias. I’m asking you to stop pretending that this…” He brushed a thumb across my lips, his eyes softening slightly. “Isn’t something we both need. Something we both want.”

I closed my eyes, swallowing hard.

I wanted to push him away.

I needed to push him away.

But every fiber of my being was telling me to pull him closer. I was a man of faith. I had taken vows. I had responsibilities. But the truth I had never been able to outrun was that Ronan had never been just a lover. He had been a part of me, the piece of myself I had buried too deeply to erase.

And now, here he was in front of me. It was as if we were still the same two people from so long ago.

“I can’t be with you,” I said, the words barely audible now, as if saying them too loudly would make them too real.

Ronan’s hand shifted from my wrist to the back of my neck, his fingers threading through the dark hair at the nape. The touch was gentle, almost too gentle, but the way he tilted my head up to meet his gaze was anything but soft.

“You don’t have to be with me, Elias,” he murmured. His lips hovered just above mine, teasing, daring me to give in. “Not forever. But at this moment, we belong to each other. Don’t fight it. Not now.”

I could feel the heat of his lips, the proximity of his body against mine, and it was all too much. His words were like a poison, sweet and irresistible. His hands were pulling me closer, and despite everything I’d promised myself, I couldn’t stop from leaning into him.

I let out a shaky breath, and in that fragile moment, it felt like everything I’d fought to keep inside of me was slipping free, unraveling in the quiet of the snow-covered forest. I could feel the tension between us, the years of unresolved emotions, building to a breaking point.

But before I could give in, before I could allow myself to close the gap and kiss him again, something inside me snapped.

I pulled back, my chest heaving, my hands shaking with a mixture of fear and frustration.

“We can’t,” I whispered, unsure if I was trying to convince him or myself. “This isn’t right.”

Ronan didn’t step back.

Instead, he looked at me, his eyes dark and searching. He reached out, his fingers brushing against my cheek, and this time, there was no teasing. No games. Just the raw need that had always been between us.

“Maybe it’s not right,” he said quietly, his voice breaking the silence like a soft crack in ice. “But sometimes, Elias, things don’t have to be right to be real.”

“I can’t keep doing this,” I whispered. But it was already too late.

The snow started falling heavier, a thick veil of white slowly covering the ground beneath our feet. However, it might as well have been an illusion because the world around us faded into insignificance.

Ronan’s hand was still on my cheek, his touch almost reverent now as if he could feel the weight of what we had been and what we were now, standing in the midst of a snowstorm in a forest that had been our hiding place years ago.

“You’re still here, Elias,” he said, the words heavy with something that sounded like both accusation and longing. “Still pretending you don’t want me.”

“I don’t want this,” I whispered through clenched teeth, my voice hoarse, the weight of the words making my chest ache. “I don’t want you.”

The lie felt bitter on my tongue, but I had to say it. I had to, or I wouldn’t be able to walk away.

Ronan’s gaze softened then, his thumb brushing against my skin with the gentleness of a man who knew exactly how far he could push.

“Liar,” he whispered.

It was barely audible, but it cut through the cold air between us like a blade. He leaned forward, his lips brushing the curve of my ear, the heat of his breath sending another shiver down my spine. All I knew was that my resolve, my belief in the vow I had taken, was slipping, unraveling, one thread at a time.

“You’ve never stopped wanting me.”

“Ronan,” I gasped, my voice raw. “Please.”

His fingers slid from my cheek to the back of my neck, pulling me closer, the warmth of his body pressing against mine in the freezing cold, so close that I could feel the beat of his heart, strong and steady, matching my own frantic rhythm.

“I know you’re scared, Elias,” he said quietly, the words wrapping around me like smoke. “But we’re already here. You and me. We’re already tangled up in this.”

I shook my head, the action weak, as if it was the only thing keeping me tethered to the ground. But even as I did, my heart betrayed me. My pulse quickened, my chest tightening with something more than frustration.

Desire…a desperate need to close the distance between us.

“I can’t,” I whispered again, the words cracking like fragile ice. “I can’t.”

Ronan didn’t answer at first. Instead, he leaned in, the weight of his gaze anchoring me in place. His lips were so close, I could almost taste them, feel the warmth of his breath, but he held back. Just barely.

“Why not?” he said, his voice low and dark, with something that made my pulse race. “Because of the vows you took? The ones that are supposed to make you whole? Or because you’re scared of what you’ll feel if you give in?”

The question landed like a hammer to my chest, and I staggered back, trying to distance myself from him, but the weight of his eyes kept me rooted.

“I don’t have a choice,” I said, my words ragged. “I’ve chosen my path. I’ve already given everything up for it.”

For a moment, there was nothing but silence between us, the quiet of the snow, the stillness of the world that seemed to hold its breath.

And then Ronan stepped forward, and this time, there was no hesitation in his movements. He reached out, grabbing my wrist with a force that startled me, pulling me toward him.

“You never gave up anything, Elias,” he growled, his voice thick with intensity. “You buried it. You buried me. But I’m still here. And you know it. You know I’m the one you’ve never been able to walk away from.”

I wanted to fight him, wanted to pull away, but every fiber of my being screamed to stay.

“I made a vow,” I choked out, trying to hold onto something, anything, that would keep me from falling back into this. “I swore…”

“You swore to serve…” he interrupted, his voice growing more urgent, more desperate. “But you never swore to forget what we were. You never swore to let me go. You never swore not to feel this.”

His fingers tightened around my wrist, and before I could stop myself, I was pulling him closer.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” I whispered, my voice breaking. The admission felt like it tore me in two. “But I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep pretending.”

He didn’t answer, didn’t say a word.

Instead, he leaned in, his lips brushing against mine once more, this time with none of the hesitation, none of the uncertainty.

His kiss was demanding, sure, a declaration more than an apology as if this had always been destiny.

And when I kissed him back, it was as if everything I had fought for and built came crumbling down. The snow continued to fall, and the cold continued to bite, but there was only heat at that moment—only him.

When we finally pulled away, breathless, his eyes were full of that same fire. The same need that I had always felt but had been too afraid to touch.

“Now, you know, Elias,” he said, his voice low and rough, the words sending another wave of heat through me. “You don’t have to choose. Not now. Not anymore.”

I swallowed hard, my chest still tight with emotions I didn’t want to name. He was right, and that terrified me more than anything else. The way his fingers ghosted over my skin, so gentle it almost felt like he was testing me, teasing me, before he finally allowed himself to pull me closer. His lips, just a whisper from mine, were a torment—tantalizingly close but never quite meeting.

“You’re shaking,” he whispered, his lips brushing just beneath my ear, the words soft, like the caress of silk.

“I am not…” I tried to deny it, but my body betrayed me.

He chuckled softly, the sound rich and deep, vibrating against me like a low hum. The tremble under my skin was too obvious.

“You’re a terrible liar,” he murmured, his fingers sliding down to my waist, his touch so careful, but there was nothing gentle about the way he pulled me closer.

The heat of his chest pressed against mine, and I could feel his heart pounding, mirroring my own.

And that’s when I realized. It wasn’t just my body betraying me—it was him, too. Ronan was as consumed by this as I was. There was no hiding it anymore. The air between us thickened, charged with a heat that didn’t belong in the frozen world around us. His lips brushed over mine, and his breath mingled with mine. The faintest kiss was just enough to make my heart race, just enough to make my chest tighten with longing.

“Ronan…” My voice cracked, a breathless whisper that I didn’t even recognize as my own.

My hands reached for him, sliding across his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin through his jacket.

But Ronan didn’t wait for me to make a move.

He closed the distance between us with one swift, sure motion, and his lips crashed against mine, not gentle anymore, but demanding.

It was a kiss full of hunger, of years of restraint, breaking free.

He was claiming me—not just physically, but emotionally, as if he was pulling me back into a world I had run from for far too long.

My hands tangled in his hair, pulling him closer, needing his warmth and taste. His hands slid under my jacket, the contact of his skin against mine sending a jolt of fire through my veins. Every inch of him was like a spark, and it was spreading—filling me, taking over everything I had once thought was mine to control.

I gasped as his lips moved down, trailing a path along my jaw to the delicate curve of my neck. His breath was hot against my skin…each exhale sending a shiver through me. His mouth grazed me like he was savoring every tiny breath I took.

“God, Elias…”

His voice was strained, barely a whisper, but the desperation was clear. His hands slid lower, tracing the muscles in my back, pulling me even tighter against him until there was no space left between us, until every breath I took, every movement I made, was synced with his.

“Tell me you want this. Tell me you’re not still fighting it.”

I swallowed hard, the words lodged in my throat. I wanted to say no. I wanted to say that I couldn’t, that this wasn’t right. But those words didn’t come.

All I could do was bury my face against his shoulder and breathe him in, feel the heat of his skin, the way his body fit so perfectly against mine.

I had spent years telling myself this couldn’t happen and that I couldn’t be with him because of the life I had sought to achieve.

But the truth I had buried deep within me was that I had never stopped wanting him. And now, with him so close, with his hands pulling at me like I was the only thing in the world that mattered, I could no longer deny it.

“I want this,” I breathed, my voice a broken whisper against his skin.

The words were heavy, filled with all the things I had kept inside for too long. And the moment I said them, I felt something inside me snap. The last of my resistance crumbled, and the floodgate opened.

Ronan’s hands moved faster now, pulling at the fabric of my jacket, eager and impatient. His pulse raced beneath my fingertips, and the roughness of his breath thrummed in my ear as he pulled away just enough to look at me.

His gaze was dark, full of want, but there was something else too—something more vulnerable.

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore,” he murmured, his voice low, like a promise. “I’m not going anywhere.”

His lips crashed against mine again. His hands slid under my shirt, caressing the lines of my back, pulling me tighter against him, and I could feel the heat of his body, the muscle beneath the warmth of his skin.

I wanted more. I needed more.

And there was no stopping now.

Ronan’s hands were everywhere—tracing, touching, pulling me closer as if he couldn’t get enough of me. I could feel his body reacting to mine, hard and warm against the cold of the world around us.

The snow continued to fall, but it might as well have been a distant storm. All I could feel, all I could think about, was him.

His lips moved from my mouth, trailing a scorching path down my throat, slow and deliberate, as if he was savoring every inch of my skin. Each kiss was like fire—small bursts of heat in the freezing night.

I couldn’t keep still.

My hands moved restlessly over his body, needing to feel him, to memorize the way he felt beneath my fingers.

I felt the hard press of his chest against mine, felt the way his breath hitched as my hands found the line of his shirt, slipping underneath it to meet the warm, taut skin of his back. The muscles there twitched under my touch, and he let out a low, guttural sound, something halfway between a groan and a breathless laugh.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this…” he whispered against my skin, his voice dark and rough with hunger. “To feel you like this again. To have you.”

I swallowed hard, my heart pounding in my chest. The words—those simple, primal words—were enough to make my blood run hot.

My chest tightened as I pressed closer, the feeling of him so real beneath my fingertips that it felt impossible. It was like I could drown in him, in this moment where nothing else mattered, where I didn’t have to be the man I had trained myself to be.

Here, in his arms, I was just Elias. Just a man who had been lost to him for far too long.

“Ronan…” I breathed, and my voice cracked, betraying me. “We can’t…”

He didn’t let me finish.

His lips were on mine again, fierce, demanding, as if he could taste the doubt in my words and wanted to drown it with every touch. His hands slid under my shirt, burning a path across my stomach and sending shivers of pleasure through me. He was a man who knew exactly what he wanted, and it was clear now that he wanted me.

His body moved against mine, pressing me back into the snow-dusted trees, his hands pulling me closer until nothing separated us, no space between us. My breath caught as his heat seeped through the layers of our clothing.

His lips were everywhere—my lips, my neck, my jaw—moving with an intensity that made everything else fade into the background. There was nothing but him, nothing but the rush of desire, the pull between us that had always been there, simmering just beneath the surface.

“You’re so beautiful,” Ronan murmured, the words husky, almost reverent, as if he were worshipping me with his touch.

His fingers moved down the line of my side, tracing the curves of my body like he couldn’t get enough of me. His mouth, hot and insistent, brushed against my collarbone, the sensation sending a shiver of pleasure down my spine.

“Ronan, please,” I gasped, my hands gripping the back of his cloak as if I were holding on to my last shred of control.

His name came from my lips like a prayer, like a plea, but it wasn’t one I wanted to fight anymore.

Ronan’s lips found mine again, his kiss deep and bruising, as if he were trying to claim every part of me—heart, body, and soul. His hands slid lower, pressing against my hips, urging me forward.

I could feel the heat of his body, the firmness of his muscles, the strength that was both comforting and overwhelming. He was everywhere, and I could no longer tell where he began and I ended.

My chest tightened as I felt his hands slipping to the hem of my shirt, pushing it up, his fingers brushing over the skin of my stomach with aching slowness as if he were savoring each inch.

He kissed me harder, and it was as if he were burning away every last vestige of resistance I had left. His hands moved up to my chest, pushing me back into the cold of the tree, but the chill didn’t matter.

The world didn’t matter.

It was just Ronan, his mouth, his hands, his body moving against mine, pulling me deeper into a place where everything was us.

“You feel it too, don’t you?” Ronan whispered between kisses, his voice thick with desire. “I’ve always felt it. Every moment we were apart, every moment you fought me, I felt it. You’ve never stopped wanting me.”

I couldn’t answer him. My lips parted in a silent gasp, my hands desperately pulling at his shirt, wanting to feel more of him, needing to feel the warmth of his skin under my fingertips.

His kisses, his touch—they were all-consuming, and I wanted to drown in them.

And then, his hands—his beautiful, insistent hands—found the line of my trousers, pushing them down slowly, teasing me with a control that made my pulse race even faster. I was responding before I even knew what was happening, my body betraying me in the most delicious of ways.

“No more fighting,” he said, his voice low, almost a growl, as he pulled me into him with a force that left no space between us, his chest rising and falling in time with my own frantic breaths. “I’m not letting you go again, Elias. Not now. Not after everything.”

I couldn’t speak.

I could barely breathe, the sensation of him so overwhelming that I was lost to it, lost to him.

Every touch, every kiss, every breath was a thread pulling me deeper into something I had never truly wanted to escape, even as I had tried to for years.

But now, with him in my arms, I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to fight anymore.

And as his lips claimed mine once more, I gave into the undeniable truth that had always been there, hidden beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to break free.

Ronan was the only thing I had ever truly needed.