Chapter 29
TWENTY-NINE
“So, how did that make you feel?” Brendon Ruse pushed a bowl of chocolate candies toward her.
Ferd tucked her legs tightly under her and refused to even lean forward. The candy is a trap. If I accept it, that’s a gateway to trust. “Stereotype much?”
He snorted but did not smile. Brendon was a master at controlling his face. He never seemed happy or sad. Never anything but in control. He wheeled back from his desk and rolled his wheelchair away from it. “Care to lie on the sofa? We can complete this awkward farce of a session if you’d like?”
She flinched. Okay, maybe sometimes he showed emotions. “Brendon. You know me. That makes this so much harder. Who wouldn’t be scared in a shootout? Who wouldn’t dodge for cover? That’s my issue. I feel like my reactions were completely, absolutely normal. My reactions now . . . not so much.”
He leaned on his armrests and rested his chin on his folded hands.
“But as an officer, you are anything but a normal civilian. You’ve gone through something only a sliver of the population will ever have to go through.
People in rural Wyoming don’t get shot at.
Twice. In the span of six weeks. That’s not normal. ”
She still couldn’t hold her gun steady and his words wouldn’t change that.
“I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way.
” She shifted in her seat, hugging her knees in front of her.
“I’m supposed to return to work in a week.
I’ve been told to come for an in-person meeting.
If they weren’t going to ask me to return to duty, they’d ask my doctors to send proof or ask for a video meeting.
Instead, I need to be there and bring proof.
Probably to show that I wasn’t faking all this.
What if I can’t go back?” Thinking about the previous day sent her heart racing and sweat gathering at her temples.
Brendon rolled to his mini fridge on the other side of his large office and opened it, then tossed her a water. She caught it and immediately twisted off the top. “Thanks.”
“So, we've established your fear isn't irrational. But are you officer rational or civilian rational?”
“That’s why I’m here, doc.” She set the open bottle on the table at her side, careful to use Brendon’s strategically placed coaster.
“What, exactly, makes you fear returning to Cody? Might be lots of reasons. Might seem silly to you, but they’re probably deeper than you think. Hit me with all of it. Even the inconsequential stuff.”
She opened her mouth, then closed it. Connor's office was only one room away. If he heard about Hunter . . . If he knew what she’d allowed to happen in her life. He might change his mind about her. He might decide she was too stupid to call sister. He might . . . abandon her.
“You’ve got a lot going through your mind right now. I can see the fears play across your face. At least I know you feel safe enough here to let your emotions show, if not your words.”
“How much can my brother hear?”
He tilted his head slightly but didn’t look confused in the slightest. “Nothing. The walls are double insulated with sound-dampening insulation. He cannot hear regular conversation in here.”
“And how much do you tell him?” That was the real issue. Brendon and Connor, and all the men who worked for him at Wayside, were his close friends. They didn’t keep secrets.
“He doesn’t ask me and I wouldn’t tell him anything. The only exception to that rule is if whatever someone has said might lead to harm of themselves or someone else. Then I’m obligated to tell him.”
“Well, if Connor hears, someone might get hurt.” She closed her eyes.
“You think he would hurt someone on your behalf?”
Why did that sentence sound so level-headed coming from Brendon when it shouldn’t sound right coming from anyone? “Yes. I think he would be mad at me first and foremost, then he’d go after the guy second.”
“A guy? Were you dating someone in Cody?”
“Are you curious or does this have to do with the conversation?” she shot back.
“So you were. He did something? I don’t want to lead this session. It’s not my way of getting to the bottom of things.”
She took a deep breath. “I know. I’m sorry.” She let her feet fall to the floor and leaned forward. “What I’m about to say must die with you. Connor can’t know.”
“And this has to do with your fear of using your gun? That's an assumption, of course. Being afraid in a gunfight is normal. Feeling like you can’t protect yourself is another, deeper fear.”
“That’s exactly it.” She swallowed hard.
Maybe she’d rather face the lake than this story.
“I met this guy during my two years of training. I had about a year left and so did he. To say he treated me like I was the sun coming up every day would be an understatement. I thought we’d marry after we were both through training.
He even dropped the county funding his training so he could join me in Cody. ”
Brendon nodded but added nothing.
“Everything was literally great. We spent so much time together. At the time, I should’ve asked myself why he wasn’t leading and asking me to follow him, but I now understand that was a manipulation tool.
By following me, he made it seem like he was the nice guy who’d adjusted his entire life plan for me.
He always wanted everyone to think he was the good guy. ”
She closed her eyes and took a drink of the water, then coughed it out. Even the vague reminder of the water made her throat reject reality. “Sorry.” She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
Brendon said nothing but his face was no longer impassive. His listening was active, his eyes encouraging.
“When we’d both graduated and headed for Cody, we were going to go out and celebrate at a park.
There was a bridge over the water. Since it was mid-summer, we walked across and leaned over the edge, watching the water flow by.
We had people take our picture. He pointed out fish in the deepest part.
It was probably only about twenty feet deep.
At the time, that wouldn’t have bothered me. That would be a good swim.”
His jaw firmed.
“He tried to kiss me. I wasn’t comfortable with that in public. Mom never kissed anyone. I just didn’t see it growing up. Maybe that’s normal but it wasn’t to me.” Her words came so fast she had trouble keeping up with her thoughts.
“It’s okay to have boundaries.”
Not for Hunter. “He pushed me in.” Her voice cracked.
“Pushed you?” Brendon’s eyes drilled into her.
“Then he jumped in after me and held me under.” She swallowed the huge lump in her throat, keeping her words inside.
Now that she’d started, she couldn’t stop.
“I fought and kicked but I was losing air. I could see bubbles in the water. Things spinning around me, but I wasn’t spinning .
. . Everything went black. When I woke up, he was the hero, the one who’d ‘jumped in after me’ and saved my life. ”
“That’s when you needed the new phone Connor sent,” Brendon said, putting two and two together.
She closed her eyes and coughed, then continued. “Yes. I couldn’t tell him. No one else would’ve believed me anyway and Connor would’ve been furious. He’d be even more if he realized that I didn’t leave then.”
“What kept you with him?”
She hung her head and gripped the armrests.
“Fear of what other people would say. Fear of disrupting the whole force and making them choose sides. Fear of being wrong. What if my dress really was tangled around my legs like he claimed, holding me down? Not him. What if he didn’t push me and I imagined it?
What if I was making something out of nothing?
He’d been a fantastic partner so far. Why would I risk losing everything, losing the man I . . . loved?”
Brendon looked at her for a few seconds that felt like years, his impassive expression finally giving way to unmistakable concern. “You use the past tense. More happened?” He now nudged the bowl closer to her again.
This time, she wouldn’t refuse. She opened a single chocolate with an encouraging phrase on the inside wrapper.
“There was only one other incident, but it was enough. I knew I had to get away from him.” She looked away. The chair suddenly felt like concrete.
“He’s the one who shot me. That’s why they never found the weapon on the perp. Because he didn’t do it. Hunter did.”