Chapter One
EMERY
“IF I DON’T get this grant, I’m quitting.”
I lean back in my desk chair and fix my stare on the closed office door, willing it to open through sheer force of optimism. If I had telekinesis, Dr. Alan Reyes would be walking through it right now with a smile and very good news.
Across from me, Lena, my best friend and colleague, snorts. “You are not.”
“I know,” I say, letting out a breath. “But Alan knows how much I want this. He’s watched me kill myself over this proposal for months.”
“We both did,” she says dryly, taking a long sip of the Dr Pepper she stole from the faculty lounge. “Did he at least write the letter?”
I bite back a smile, shaking my head. “Of course. And he also said he was calling the Program Officer himself. Which feels…promising. I should have an answer by the end of today, I would think.” I hold up my crossed fingers.
Lena studies me for a second. “Look at you being all optimistic.”
“I’m trying something new,” I say. “Blind faith. Positive self-talk. Delusion.”
She laughs. “You’ve earned this, Em. You’ve been teaching the same two courses for, what—seven years now?”
“Seven,” I confirm. “Introduction to Marine Biology and Estuarine Systems. On repeat. Like academic purgatory.”
“And you still care,” she adds. “That counts.”
“I do,” I say, softer. “I just…need something different. A reason to feel excited again.” For a brief instant, the fear that my sixth grant proposal will be denied creeps back in. If I don’t get this, I don’t know what’s next for me—a thought I’ve been scared to say out loud. My brow furrows.
Lena nods, then tilts her head. “Okay, but what’s with that face you’re making? Something else bothering you?”
I glance away. “What face? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Lena clocks the lie and raises an eyebrow. “Are you okay?” she asks, concern coating her words. “You seem off—even for you.”
“Gee thanks,” I mutter, frowning at her.
“Well…” Lena’s mouth turns up at the corner, her eyebrows lifting.
I rub my eyes, smearing iridescent nude eyeshadow all over my fingers and look back at her with a relenting sigh. “I guess I feel off lately. Stifled maybe. But I’m trying to combat that with lots of positive self-talk and optimism. Remember?”
She gives me a look that says she knows I’m full of shit. “Come on, Em. What’s really bugging you? Is this about Jason?”
I sigh. “It’s about everything. Work, Jason…the creeping suspicion that I’m thirty-five and somehow managed to design a life that feels like I just missed the mark.”
“That’s dramatic,” she says gently. “But also fair.”
“There’s been zero ring talk,” I add quickly, before she can ask. “Not that I’m pushing anymore. Honestly, it might be for the best. I don’t even know what I want right now.”
For a while, I was pushing hard for engagement.
I told Jason I couldn’t move in with him without an engagement ring.
But I couldn’t afford our place on my own, and he said he loved me.
He promised it would come. That was over a year ago, when I first got tenure.
I was so happy, I thought for sure we were headed toward our happily ever after.
It seems we’ve stalled at happy-for-now.
Except now I’m not—happy, I mean.
Lena leans back in her chair, studying me over the rim of her soda. “Do you still love him?”
The question lands heavier than I expect.
“I think I’ll always love him,” I say slowly. “I’m just not sure I’m still in love with him. I’m biding my time until I figure that out, I guess.”
She nods, like this confirms something she’s suspected for a while. “You know you’re not stuck, right?”
It’s a conversation we’ve had before—my discontent with my life choices—but I’m sure she’s run out of things to say to make me feel better.
If you want to make any money in marine biology, you’ve got to enter academia or work for a government agency. But I’m starting to think I chose the wrong path. Lena, on the other hand, loves academia. “Never liked touching slimy things,” she’d said, scrunching up her nose, the day I met her.
I give her a look. “I hate when you say that.”
“I know,” she says, smiling. “But you’re not. You’re smart. You’re accomplished. And you’re one grant approval away from shaking up your entire life.”
I straighten in my chair and point at her. “See? That’s the energy I’m going with today.”
A knock sounds at my door.
Lena’s smile widens. “Speak of the devil.”
Dr. Alan Reyes, my department head, pokes his head in. “Emery? Mind if I come in?”
“Hey, Alan,” Lena grins, standing. “I was just going.” She shoots me a hopeful look, crossing her fingers behind her back as she leaves.
Lena slips past him and pulls the door closed behind her with a soft click. Alan follows her with his eyes, watching as she leaves.
His brow furrows as he takes the seat Lena just vacated. “Did she have a Dr Pepper?”
I grin, trying to decide if I should throw her under the bus. “I think she did.”
“That was mine.” Alan folds his arms, but he’s smiling.
Then a silence falls over us and the air shifts.
Butterflies swarm my stomach, but from the expression on Alan’s face, I already know what he’s going to say. I brace for it.
“Hey, Em.” Alan rubs the back of his neck before speaking. “I got final word from NSF this morning.”
I let out a deep exhale, causing tufts of blond hair to fall in my eyes. “Let me guess, another almost, but no.”
Alan hesitates, then nods. “Another final review. Exceptional science. But they got a strong proposal from microbiology and shifted the funding at the last minute. I’m sorry.”
I don’t speak, only stare past him at the ocean maps and research posters cluttering my wall.
“You’ve done everything right,” Alan says carefully, trying to soften the blow. “Five rejections don’t mean failure.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” I mutter, rolling my eyes.
Alan gives me a pointed look. “It means you’re swinging at the big ones.” He pauses, scratching his jaw. “But I can see you’re tired—getting burnt out, Em. Everyone can see it, if I’m being honest.”
Anxiety builds in my chest, and my eyes burn. I blink hard. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”
Alan barks out a laugh. “Get rid of you? No. Don’t be ridiculous. You’re tenured. But I do think you could use a break.”
“You think I need a break?” My voice comes out brittle.
“I think you deserve a break,” Alan says, pointing at me. “There’s a difference.”
“Okay…”
“Hear me out. We’ve got department funds for research sabbaticals. I’d like to offer you one. Six months. No teaching load. Full pay.” Alan studies my face, waiting.
“That’s…generous.” I lift my eyes in surprise. “What’s the catch?”
Alan chuckles, pushing his glasses back up on his nose. “This just came across my desk this morning.” He reaches inside a folder on his lap that I hadn’t realized he’d come in with. “The timing seems serendipitous.”
Alan hands me a printout of an email.
“Temporary director of a research center? South Carolina?” I ask, scanning the email. “Why?”
Alan swallows. “The former director in Tidehaven passed away suddenly a couple of months ago. They’ve been looking for someone to run the place since.”
I lick my lips. “What would I do there?”
Alan considers my question, his mouth curving slightly.
“Well, the previous director was studying the population decline of terrapin turtles. I’m sure you could pick up where she left off.
Or you could enjoy the quiet coastal town, estuarine access, and salt air and figure out what’s next. Maybe write a paper.”
“Turtles, huh?” I fight the twitch of my lips.
“I seem to remember you telling me you love turtles, oh, about seven years ago,” Alan teases.
“I really do love turtles.” I’m grinning now.
“Think about it? It might help. This seven-year itch is common, you know.” Alan rises, making for the door.
“I’ll give it some thought.”
“Let me know.” Alan nods, tapping my door on his way out.
Tidehaven. It does have a nice ring to it.
I THINK ABOUT Tidehaven, South Carolina, the whole drive back to the townhouse Jason and I share, but I am still disappointed by the grant rejection.
Picking up and leaving New Jersey wasn’t in my plan at all.
But if I’m honest with myself, I haven’t been happy.
My job is monotonous; my relationship is mundane.
I can’t help but feel as if I’m searching for something, but I don’t know what.
And I’d be going from one coast to another. How different could it be?
Despite all that, I love my job at Cape Atlantic University.
The campus is large and sits on Lake Fred.
Even though we’re only about fifteen minutes from the coast, the university sits nestled on acres of pine barrens and wetlands.
It’s alive with the sights and sounds of nature and wildlife.
It’s peaceful. Our student population is around ten thousand, so it feels small, but the culture is a mix of laid-back beach vibes and quiet academic ambition.
You can walk through campus and see kayaks leaning against dorms or students hiking the trails.
I love it here. It’s a big decision to pick up and leave it for six months no matter how tempting a decrease in workload is.