12. Chase
TWELVE
CHASE
TWENTY YEARS OLD
“Chase, are you even listening to me?” Lindsay asks as she tucks a strand of her bleached-blond hair behind her ear and sniffs like she has a cold.
Her pencil taps against her textbook and she quirks a brow at me from across the library table where we’re studying.
“Yeah, I’m listening.” I’m not.
She sniffs again, peering at me through her lashes, a small grin on her face. “What did I say, then?”
I don’t answer because it’s a little annoying she’s being so pushy like this and thinking we’re friends. We’re not. Not really, anyway. She’s just someone I study with whose company I don’t despise .
Honestly, I’m not sure why I even bother with the charade of school anymore. Not sure why I came here in the first place after Lily disappeared, and whenever I think about it too long, guilt pounds against my chest, making it throb from the weight.
But Sam and Anna were convinced I should continue to “live my life,” whatever the fuck that means.
We’ve been searching for a year now, and no luck. Sam and Anna hang on to hope, but I know better.
No love is greater than the toxic love affair with drugs.
If it weren’t for me trying to avoid Goldi as much as possible, I’d be back in Sugarlake, doing something more than sitting useless in business economics courses and vacillating between hating Lily and missing her.
It’s not that I don’t love Goldi, I do. The problem is that I love her too much, and like usual, whenever we’re together, everything else disappears until all I see is her.
And sometimes, looking at her hurts. If I hadn’t given in to the pull between us, my sister might be healthy. Happy. Here.
I should have saved Lily from this. I could have saved her.
That ever-present anger swirls and tumbles through me like a tornado, picking up everything in its path and adding to its weight, and just like when I was a kid, I don’t know how to control it. I see the pain I cause Goldi whenever she visits. Hear it in her voice every time we speak. I want to scream it’s not her, it’s me, but the words never come.
It’s always me.
I should let her go; I know this because keeping her hurts. It’s just that the thought of losing her hurts more, so I’m selfish. I keep her on my rope, knowing I’m slowly hanging us both.
Lindsay sniffs again.
I snap my eyes to her. “Are you getting sick?”
She rubs under her nose and looks up, her pen creating a steady tap tap tap from her twitching hand. “No, just allergies or whatever. Probably these dusty ass books.”
I lean forward, looking at her closely. She’s antsy. She keeps rubbing her nose, and her pupils are the size of quarters.
“Are you fucking high ?” I hiss, my stomach churning.
Her gaze narrows and she crosses her arms, leaning back in her chair with a huff. “What are you, the DARE police?” she laughs.
My jaw clenches.
When she realizes I’m not laughing with her, her face drops. “Just a little pick-me-up. Everyone does it, it’s nothing to freak out about.”
“There’s no such thing as a ‘little pick-me-up,’ Lindsay. What the fuck is wrong with you?” My voice rises.
She shifts in her chair. “Jesus, calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down. I don’t want you to be high when you’re around me.” I point my pencil at her, gripping it so tight I’m surprised it doesn’t snap in half.
“Okay, fine. I didn’t know you were such a Boy Scout.” She raises her hands in surrender.
The words “Boy Scout” hit me in the center of my chest, gripping my heart in its tight claws and squeezing. I shake it off.
“I’m serious, Lindsay. I don’t fuck around with that bullshit, and you shouldn’t, either . ” I swallow around the sudden lump in my throat. “And don’t call me that.”
My phone vibrates on the table, Goldi’s name flashing across the screen.
We haven’t spoken in days, and I’m dying to hear her voice, but getting to the bottom of Lindsay’s habit is more important right now. What if she’s an addict already?
Visions of Lily, half-dead and sprawled out on a dirty mattress flash through my mind, panic spreading down my limbs and around my back, forcing the breath from my lungs.
Goldi will understand.
I silence the phone, slipping it in my pocket.
I invited Lindsay over and told her I want to help her…that I need to help. I didn’t go into the details, but something I did got through to her because she broke down, admitted it was out of control and that she was scared.
Her quick acceptance just reinforces the fact that if I hadn’t been so distracted with Goldi, maybe this could have been the outcome with Lily. From then on, whenever I’m not working or in class, I’m with Lindsay.
I don’t particularly enjoy her company, but I don’t want to give her the chance to shove more poison up her nose. Besides, it gives me something to do other than sit at my apartment and be alone with my thoughts.
Sometimes, I look at her and I swear it’s my sister I’m seeing…not that they look anything alike.
Maybe it’s my penance. Maybe if God exists, he’s giving me a chance to right the wrongs of my past. Hell, I don’t know. All I know is I couldn’t save my mom or Lily.
I’ll be damned if I can’t save her.
But I’m still trying to figure out how to tell Jax and Goldi. It’s been a few months, and both of them have been up my ass about why I’ve been so distant, so they decided to make a spur of the moment weekend trip.
They’ll be here any minute, and Lindsay’s here just to hang. My eyes keep skipping from the TV over to her, and every time she catches me looking, a small smile grows on her face, her cheeks flushing.
“What?” she asks finally.
I shake my head, glancing back to the show. “Nothing.”
She snorts. “Yeah, okay. You just can’t stop staring at me?”
“I’m not staring, I’m just… I want you and Goldi to get along.”
Her face sobers. “Right.”
Normally, I wouldn’t worry about Goldi being insecure, but our relationship has been rocky, thanks to me and my revolving door of fucking issues, and now that I’ve taken on Lindsay as a sort of pet project, it’s only made things worse. Mainly because Lindsay asked me not to tell anyone about her problem, especially Goldi and Jax. She doesn’t want them judging her and I get it, I guess.
I won’t say anything because it’s not my story to tell. But because of that, I’m not sure what to say to Goldi about how I’m spending all of my free time with Lindsay, and I don’t want to lie, so I’ve missed more than a few phone calls.
The doorbell rings and I’m swinging it open within seconds, the antsy energy whisking through my body and making me unable to stand still.
A swirl of vanilla and honey blond rushes into me, long legs wrapping around my waist.
I bury my head in Goldi’s neck, gripping under the curve of her ass, holding her tightly to me. Immediately, the heaviness disappears from my shoulders, and the thoughts quiet in my brain.
She peppers my face with kisses and I chuckle, squeezing her ass in my palms. “Good to see you too, baby.”
“Dang, I missed you somethin’ fierce.” She slides down my body and backs up a space, beaming up at me with those perfect blue eyes and gorgeous grin.
Jax is still in the doorway, but he isn’t looking at me. His eyes are on Goldi. I clear my throat to get his attention, wondering why the fuck he’s staring at her like that.
He moves his gaze to me, a lazy grin spreading across his face. “Sup?”
I raise my chin in acknowledgment, still watching him. He has his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and he’s looking around the apartment like he’s never seen it before. The moment he spots Lindsay, a saccharine smile spreads over his face. “Well, well, well. Who do we have here?”
Lindsay grins, walking over to stand beside me, her shoulder brushing against my arm. “Jax, right? Chase has told me a lot about you.”
His eyebrows jump. “That’s interesting. I don’t think he’s said a single thing about you, although I guess we’d have to be talking to hear anything.” He looks her up and down, then glances over at Goldi, and I watch as what looks like concern fills his features.
Goldi’s staring in Lindsay’s direction.
I step away from Lindsay and closer to Goldi instead, reaching out to lace our fingers together. Guilt crawls up my throat and constricts the airways.
“I haven’t heard anything about you, either, actually,” Goldi says, her hand going limp in mine.
“Yeah, Lindsay and I have been chilling recently. I told her she could kick it this weekend, get to know you guys.”
“You two have been chillin’ recently?” Goldi twists and looks up at me, a crease between her brows.
Lindsay jumps in before I respond. “Goldi, right?”
Goldi’s eyes narrow. “It’s Alina.”
Shit.
“Oh.” Lindsay smiles nervously. “I’m sorry, I just assumed because that’s what our guy always calls you. Thanks for sharing him, by the way. He’s become a really important person in my life.”
Unease prickles at my skin like needles.
Lindsay rests her hand on my arm at the same time Goldi rips hers away, stepping closer to Jax instead.
Why the hell would Lindsay say that?
Jax throws his arm around Goldi, which makes my brows rise to my hairline.
“Where’s my thank you, Lindsay?” he asks. “Chase was mine first, you know.”
My eyes don’t leave Goldi, my heart beating so fast it pumps anxiety through my veins like blood. “Naw, man. I’ve always been Goldi’s. She’s had me since I was thirteen.”
Goldi’s features soften, her love pouring into the air between us as she looks at me like I’m the most important person in her life.
I revel in the warmth, knowing I don’t deserve the comfort.