13. Alina
THIRTEEN
ALINA
EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD
My toddler group’s second recital is tonight, and everyone I love says they’re showing up, despite me telling them it’s nothing fancy, and “choreograph” is a loose term when it comes to two- and three-year-olds. Still, I never realized how much I would fall in love with teaching dance. When I was younger, I used to dream of being on the stage, and now I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life besides watching others up there shining like a star from what I’ve taught them.
There’s a studio about twenty minutes away that’s offered me an internship. At first, I wasn’t sure if I would accept because it would mean skipping college, but Jax encouraged me, saying college will always be waiting. He may be biased, though, considering he chose to stay in Sugarlake as a mechanic, instead of furthering his education. His late daddy always dreamed of having his car restorations in the movies, and Jax is set on seeing that dream through.
Daddy wants me to go to university, though, and so does Mama. They both see how well Eli’s doing, but it’s not the same with him. He’s a basketball star, one for the ages, and I’m just…me. The only thing I’ve ever wanted to do is dance, and I don’t know how a college degree would help further that along, and after a long talk, they both agreed to let me live life the way I choose.
I haven’t told Chase about the internship yet, but I’m planning to this weekend. He was hoping I would apply to ETU, but I know if I don’t take advantage of this opportunity, I’ll regret it.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Jax grins, shutting the sliding door to my backyard and waltzing into my living room like he owns it.
“Hiya, Teeth.” I smile.
“Stop calling me that. These babies are one-hundred-percent au naturale.” He runs his tongue over his pearly whites. “You ready for the big night?”
“Nervous,” I admit. “But my girls will steal the show, you just wait and see.”
He clicks his tongue. “I don’t know. I heard the eight-year-olds have some killer moves this time. I’m not sure your toddlers can keep up.”
I smack his chest, laughing. “You shut your mouth with that kind of talk, Jackson Rhoades. I’ll have you know my kids can outdance those eight-year-olds all day long.”
“Oh yeah? And why’s that?”
“Because they have me, of course.”
“Now that I believe.”
My cheeks flush at the compliment, the air shifting as he loses his grin.
He clears his throat. “Anyway, I just stopped by to see if you needed help with anything.”
I clap my hands together. “Yes! I’m in charge of refreshments for the recital, but I haven’t had time to pick anything up. I’d love you forever if you’d do it for me.”
“Is that a promise?”
“Would that make you say yes?”
His green eyes sparkle, and a lightness fills me. Things are so easy with him, and every day I’m grateful he’s in my life. To be honest, without him and Becca, I’m not sure what I’d do these days.
He ties his hair into a bun and throws his hands up. “Okay, I’ll do it. Cookies for the kids and veggie trays for the old people. I’ll be back soon.” He winks, spinning his key ring around his finger as he walks out the door.
My phone rings a while later, Chase’s name flashing, and my stomach flutters, knowing in a few short hours I’ll see him.
“Hey, Boy Scout.”
“Hey, baby. You feeling good today?”
“Excited. Nervous. Mostly, I just can’t wait to see you, though.” I lean against the kitchen counter.
“Think I can steal you away after the show? I want to get us a hotel, spend some time together just the two of us.” His voice quiets, whispering low and raspy in my ear. “I need to be with you, baby. I can’t wait anymore.”
Arousal shoots through me, mixing with nerves. I’ve been ready for what feels like years, but Chase has been adamant on taking things slow, and after this past year with him was especially rocky, I wasn’t sure it would ever happen.
My grip on the phone tightens as I squeeze my thighs, trying to ease the ache. “Yes,” I say on an exhale. I don’t know how I’ll explain it to Mama and Daddy, but I’ll think of something later.
“Thank God. I know things have been…weird lately, but I—Hey, hang on a second.”
Shuffling against the counter, I rest my cell between my shoulder and neck, lifting myself onto the ledge so I can sit. Anticipation lights up my middle because I’m pretty sure he’s about to apologize for the way he’s been acting, and quite frankly, it’s about time.
He starts talking again, but the sound is muffled, almost like he’s covered the phone with his hand. A girl’s voice is in the background, and just like that, any hope withers and dies because I just know that’s Lindsay.
It’s like our fight about her didn’t get through to him at all.
Or it did, and maybe he just doesn’t care.
That nasty jealous feeling slithers around my chest and tightens like a snake, my lungs aching and my heart breaking.
“Chase,” I snap. “I don’t have time to just sit here and listen to you talk to someone else.”
“What was that, baby?” he asks.
I hate that I’m not sure who he’s talking to.
“Goldi?”
“Yeah,” I reply.
“I’m gonna run a couple errands and take a quick nap and then I’ll be there. I can’t wait to see you.”
My eyes flicker to the clock and back. “You sure you’ve got time for all that?”
He chuckles. “Come on now, don’t worry so much. I’m setting an alarm. I promise I’ll see you in a few hours, okay?”
“Is Lindsay there?” The words are out before I can stop them.
“Uhh…yeah.” He clears his throat. “She just showed up.”
“Mm.” All the anticipation I was feeling disappears. I can’t stand her and he knows it, but still, he keeps her in his life.
He chooses her when he should be choosing me.
Jax bursts through the door, hands filled with platters of cookies. “Just call me Sugar Daddy, sweetheart, because I’ve got all the sugar you need.”
His eyebrows wag, and I snort out a giggle, a little bit of the heartache lifting when I see him.
“Is that Jax?” Chase’s voice cuts through the line.
“Yeah, of course it is.”
“What’s he doing there?”
The question catches me so off guard I pull the phone from my ear and look at it with my brows drawn in. I put him on speakerphone and hop off the counter to go look in the grocery bags Jax brought. “The same thing he’s always doin’ here. Bein’ my friend and helpin’ out. He grabbed the refreshments for the recital tonight.”
“How nice that you have him,” he says dryly.
Jax scoffs and irritation slams into me, smashing my already thin patience into tiny bits that could scatter in the wind. “Yep. You have Lindsay, and I have Jax. Havin’ friends is the best, ain’t it?”
Chase is quiet for a few long, torturous moments. “That’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair is you glued to a girl I’ve told you repeatedly makes me uncomfortable.”
“And I’ve told you there’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“You haven’t told me a damn thing, other than she’s in a bad place and ‘needs’ you.”
“She does.”
“Well, so do I, Chase.” I rub my forehead, the words catching on the lump in my throat. I’m so tired of having this same conversation. “Listen, I don’t want to fight. I’ll just see you when you get here, please don’t forget you said you’d take me to the hall, so don’t be late.”
“I won’t be, I’ll be there at three thirty on the dot.” He almost sounds offended. “And I don’t want to fight, either, baby. I fucking love you.”
Usually, whenever he says those words—the ones I’ve dreamed about since before I even knew what loving was—my whole body fills up like a balloon, giving me such a high I’m surprised I don’t float away. Now, though, they barely touch me at all.
His words are just that.
Words.
I hang up without saying anything else because if I open my mouth, I’m liable to speak things I can’t take back, and Mama always says if you have nothing nice to say, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. And I definitely have nothing nice to say to Chase right now.
Still, I trust that he means what he says, because Chase is a lot of things, but the one thing he’s always done is show up when I need him.
“What was that all about?” Jax says, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.
Blowing out a breath, I run a hand through my hair and give him a small smile. “You know how it is. Just Chase being Chase.”
His jaw clenches and he shakes his head. “You shouldn’t put up with that shit, sweetheart. You deserve better and you know it. He knows it, he just also knows you’ll let him get away with it.”
Nausea curdles in my throat at the thought of Chase treating me this way on purpose, and not because he’s going through something he just doesn’t know how to control, but I push the feeling as deep down as I can and shake my head.
“He’s just goin’ through things, Teeth. You know how he gets, and what he’s been through.”
Jax breathes out a humorless chuckle, his fingers tugging on those dog tags around his neck. “Just because someone’s got things they’re going through doesn’t mean they have the right to break someone else.”
Pressure builds in my throat and behind my nose, spreading to my eyes. Don’t cry, Lee.
Jax takes several steps forward, his finger and thumb gripping my chin and tilting my face to look up at him.
“You’re far too special to be broken, Alina May.”
I suck in a breath, gritting my teeth to keep the tears from escaping.
“Call me if he doesn’t show.”
And then he’s out the door and I’m left with an emptiness in my chest, like someone took the light and snuffed it out.
At three twenty, I text Chase, asking where he is.
At three thirty, I call him.
At three fifty, I call my boss and apologize for running late, and then call Jax, asking him to come pick me up.
I’m backstage with the director and my girls, trying to pump them up.
It’s fifteen minutes until showtime, and still no word from Chase. I peek around the curtains and see Jax and Becca in the front row, empty seats surrounding them. I give them a small wave, ignoring the black hole of disappointment trying to eat me alive. I don’t see my folks either, which is strange.
I slip my phone out of my pocket one more time, checking for a call, a text, something .
It rings in my hand.
Unknown.
Confusion colors my features and I excuse myself from the group, moving into the audience and brushing by Jax and Becca when I do.
They’re looking at me weird, but I shrug and make my way into the hallway just outside of the auditorium.
“Hello?” I answer, leaning against the white brick wall.
“Hi. Is this Alina Carson?” a woman asks.
“Sure is. Who’s this?”
“Ms. Carson, my name is Judy Davis. I’m a nurse at CHI Memorial Hospital.”
A foreboding tingle creeps up my spine, making me stand up straight. Did Chase get hurt? Is that why he isn’t here? “Okay… How can I help you?”
“A Craig and Gail Carson were brought to us about an hour ago after being involved in a collision.”
“What?” I suck in a breath. “Those are my folks. Are they okay?”
She hesitates on the line, and my stomach drops like a lead weight. “It’s best if you just get here as soon as you can, miss.”
I shake my head, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth. “Of course but…please, just… Are they all right?”
“Your father escaped with minor injuries.”
“And my mama?”
She hesitates again. “The sooner you can get here, the better, Miss Carson.”
My vision goes blurry, that black hole from earlier exploding like a dying star. The phone drops from my hand and clatters to the floor as I try to steady myself on the wall.
I can’t breathe.
“Alina?” I hear my name, but it’s distant, muddled.
Why can’t I breathe?
Jax’s face appears in front of me, his big hands on my cheeks. “Sweetheart? What’s the matter?”
I look up at him, but darkness rims the edges of my eyesight and he’s nothing but a blurry figure. I’m trying to find the words, but I can’t talk because I. Can’t. Breathe.
My hands claw at my blouse, the silky fabric suddenly choking me. If I can just get it off, maybe it will relieve the pressure pushing down on my chest.
“Whoa, Alina.” I feel fingers grab mine, smaller ones than before, more feminine. “Lee, deep breaths, girlfriend.”
My chest caves in and my back presses harder against the brick wall, my limbs feeling like they’ll give out at any moment.
“Alina.” Jax’s voice is sharp and authoritative, his grip on my face firm. It cuts through the fog and helps me focus, my vision clearing, just a little.
Worried forest-green eyes stare into mine.
“Mama…hospital…please,” I rasp out.
It’s barely coherent, but it’s the best I can do.
I collapse into Jax’s arms, tears staining his shirt, my fingers gripping on to him like he’s the only thing keeping me upright.
His torso pushes against my cheek with his abrupt intake of breath. “Your mom’s in the hospital?”
I nod against him, my gaze flickering to Becca who’s standing behind him with a worried look on her face.
“Which hospital, sweetheart?” he asks. “I need you to tell me where to take you.”
I rack my brain, trying to remember what the lady on the phone said. “CHI Medical.”
The next few minutes are a blur, but somehow, we make it to the car. Becca’s in the back seat, murmuring soothing words in the way only she can, and Jax holds my hand in his while he shifts gears.
It helps, but what I really need, who I really need…is Chase. I try to call him. Over and over and over.
Please, Chase. Pick up. Can’t you feel me breaking?
Eventually, it stops ringing at all and goes straight to voicemail.
I can’t breathe.
The ride to the hospital is a blur, but we make it. Daddy’s pacing in the waiting room with a white bandage on his arm and tears on his face when we get there, and I rush into his arms, the pressure in my chest easing.
“Daddy, what happened?” I cry. “Are you okay? Where’s Mama? Have you talked to Eli?”
He brushes my hair with his hand, holding me so tightly it’s like he’s afraid I might disappear.
“Everything’s all right, darlin’. God has a plan, and I won’t lose your mama. He wouldn’t take her from us…from me.” His voice cracks and his body trembles like he’s trying to hold back his tears.
“Is it that bad?” I force out, even though I’m dreading the answer.
He pulls back, his eyes dark and heavy as they gaze into mine, and he shakes his head. “God has a plan,” he repeats. “All we’ve gotta do is pray.”
So that’s what we do.
We sit in small plastic chairs, and we pray.
A couple hours later and my panic has calmed. Jax is on one side of me and Becca’s on the other, each of them holding one of my hands solid in their grasp. Daddy’s been pacing nonstop, and other than him calling Eli and filling him in, he hasn’t said a word.
I’m scared.
Mama is still in surgery, and nobody has told us anything.
Jax curses beside me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, looking over at him.
He’s on his phone, but as soon as I ask, he puts it away and gives me a grin, his fingers squeezing mine. “Nothing for you to worry about, sweetheart.”
His smile irritates me. “Don’t you treat me with kid gloves right now, Teeth. Please …” My voice breaks. “Give me a distraction, tell me what you were lookin’ at.”
“I was just scrolling social media. Dumb stuff to pass the time.” He won’t meet my eyes, but he looks past me and gives Becca a look. The base of my spine tingles with awareness.
I pull my hand from Becca’s and reach out, sighing. “Just let me see.”
Jax purses his lips.
“Lee, maybe we should—” Becca starts.
I cut her a glare. “Don’t you tell me what we should do, Rebecca Jean. Not right now.”
She sucks on her lips, and nods, then gestures to Jax. “You heard her. She’s a big girl, show her.”
He blows out a heavy breath and hands his phone over, his screen lit up.
When I see the picture of a smiling Lindsay next to a sleeping Chase, wearing his shirt and in his bed, my heart shatters into pieces.
When Mama dies two hours later, those pieces turn to dust.