35. Alina
THIRTY-FIVE
ALINA
“Want to catch a movie tonight?” Jax asks at brunch.
I look at Becca, sipping on her second mimosa and shoveling pancakes in her mouth. She shakes her head. “Can’t. Have a date.”
“ You? Have a date?” I point at her, narrowing my eyes. Becca loves men, but she isn’t the dating type. Growing up, she was a firm believer that commitment of any kind was a waste of time. Now that she’s an adult and still living under her daddy’s—a.k.a. the church’s—thumb, that lack of commitment has only grown. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her go on an actual date in my life.
“Yep.” She looks up, realizing we’re both staring at her. “What?” she mumbles around a mouthful of pancake.
Jax laughs. “You can’t just say something like that and not expect us to need more information. Who’s the date with?”
She swallows, looking down at her plate. “You don’t know him, he’s from out of town.”
I squint my eyes. “What’s his name? How’d you meet him?”
She runs her fingers over her curly hair. “His name’s Braxton and I met him online.”
Jax is still chuckling, but his face drops when he sees the glare Becca is sending his way. “Tell me you’re joking.”
“And what about it, asshole? I like him. He’s nice.”
“He’s nice ?” I exclaim, sharing another look with Jax. “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”
She throws her arms up. “I just—don’t you think it’s time I start takin’ life more seriously? Try to settle down? We’re gettin’ old as shit. I’ve got crow’s feet, for God’s sake.”
My face scrunches. “Are you feelin’ okay? What happened to the ‘I don’t do commitment’ Becca?”
She grabs her mimosa, downing it before looking around for the server. “She grew up, I guess.”
Jax gives me a “what the hell” look and I shrug in return.
“So that’s a no from Becca who’s busy getting busy with Braxton . That leaves you and me, sweetheart. Wanna get crazy tonight?” He grins, leaning his elbows on the table. “Maybe dinner and a movie?”
I smile, but my stomach flops while I try to think of an excuse for why I’m saying no. One that doesn’t involve babysitting my drunk daddy and letting Chase cook me meals. “I can’t. Gotta help Daddy prepare the guest room for Eli and his girl.”
Becca makes a face and Jax sticks out his bottom lip. “Fine, ladies. Leave me all by myself. A lone cowboy riding into the night.”
Becca snorts. “I’m sure you won’t have any trouble findin’ a replacement for the night. One that will be all too willin’ to give you a ride .”
Jax grips his heart. “That hurts, truly, Becs. I’m more than my gigantic cock.”
“Oh? You into kinky shit?” She raises an eyebrow.
“I don’t speak of private activities.” Jax smiles, winking. “You’ve never been curious?”
“Um…no.”
“Never wanted a one-way ticket on the Jackson express?” He wiggles his brows.
Becca gags. “Darlin’, I’d break the train down.”
I giggle into my sweet tea and take another sip.
“Anyway.” Jax shifts his attention to me. “When’s Eli getting here, sweetheart?”
“A little less than a week. That reminds me, Becca, you think your daddy can sit down with them and talk about havin’ their weddin’ at the church?”
Becca chokes on her drink, coughing until her eyes water and her hand smacks against her chest.
“Lord, are you all right?” I ask.
She wipes under her eyes. “He wants my old man to marry them?”
“Why not?” I frown at her. “Eli asked me about it the other day. I’m just the messenger.”
“ Eli asked?” She blinks at me. “What the hell’s he expect me to do about it?”
My forehead wrinkles. What’s the big deal? “Haven’t you been helpin’ around the church since summer break started? I mentioned it and he asked to see if you could work somethin’ out.”
She slams her body against the back of the chair. “Well, he’s an idiot.”
“Okay, that’s it. What happened between you and Eli? You never used to have a problem with him, but anytime I bring him up, you get weird.”
She rolls her eyes, tangling her hair in her fingers. “I don’t get weird. I just think your brother’s a jerk with a head big enough to take up the entire state of Tennessee. I never thought he’d come back here, let alone bring a little hussy of a girl wantin’ to parade their love through the town.”
“That’s a little harsh,” I chide. “We don’t even know her.”
She throws her hands up. “Ugh. You know what? I have to go. I need to get ready for my date.”
“With Braxton. The ‘Becca tamer.’” Jax pipes in.
He is so not helping.
Becca sends him a glare and throws her napkin down on the table. “Just for that, you can pay for brunch. I’ll see y’all later.”
We both watch with big eyes as she leaves the restaurant.
“What the hell was that about?” Jax asks.
“Beats me. She’s been weird lately. I think maybe her and Eli got into it or somethin’ when they were both in Florida.”
“She’s never said anything?” He tilts his head, staring after her.
I shrug. “Nope. She doesn’t talk about it.”
“Weird.” He takes a bite of his food before sticking out his bottom lip. “You sure you can’t come tonight? You’re really gonna leave me all alone?”
“You’re a big boy, Jax. I’m sure you’ll find somethin’ to do.”
“I suppose I’ll have to,” he says.
I try to pay attention to Jax for the rest of brunch, but my mind is busy replaying Becca’s actions. She’s always been as stubborn as the day is long, so when she doesn’t want to talk about something, there’s no changing her mind. But I wish she’d tell me about Florida. I make a mental note to ask Eli next time I talk to him.
Enchiladas are on the menu for Saturday night dinner, courtesy of Chase. I haven’t cooked a single thing all week, and I’ve gotten a solid eight hours of sleep each night, so I’m feeling better than I have in a while. Still, this weird family dynamic with Chase and Daddy should have alarm bells sounding in my head. Maybe this fuzzy feeling of comfort is making my ears numb to the ringing.
I’ve just taken my first bite when the doorbell rings. I look over at Daddy, furrowing my eyebrows. “You expectin’ someone?”
“Who would I be expectin’, Alina?” he barks.
The bell rings again. Chase stands before I can, putting his hand on my shoulder to keep me in place. I sit back down, keeping my ears strained so I can hear who it is.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
Shoot. My fork drops and I close my eyes, guilt churning in my stomach. I should have known this would happen.
Before I can even think about defusing the situation, footsteps stomp through the hallway and a raging Jax enters the kitchen.
“Can I speak to you for a moment?” he hisses through clenched teeth.
“Sure.” I scoot my chair back, laying my napkin on the table.
Chase is standing behind him, his fists clenched and hazel eyes stormy as they bounce between the two of us.
Jax knocks into his shoulder as he walks by.
I cringe, expecting Chase to react, but he doesn’t.
He stands stoic, only the twitching of his jaw letting me know he’s holding himself back.
When we reach the front porch, Jax spins to face me with a glare, the screen door slamming behind him.
“ This is why you couldn’t hang out with me tonight?”
“I told you I was gonna be here with Daddy.” My voice is weak. I’ve never seen Jax upset like this.
“And you didn’t think to mention you were playing house with Chase?”
“I’m not playin’ house with him. He’s just been showin’ up. Helpin’ out. It’s not like I invited him over.”
“But you didn’t tell him to leave.”
I look down, the guilt chiseling away at my insides. “No.”
He lets out a disbelieving laugh, his hands on the top of his head. “I can’t believe this, Lee. I mean, what the fuck ?”
A bit of anger spikes through my middle. I get that he’s upset about Chase, but it isn’t his decision. It isn’t his life. “Listen, you don’t get to be mad at me, Jax. I didn’t tell you because it’s none of your business and I knew you’d react this way.”
He rears back. “None of my business ? Was it my business when you used my shoulder to cry on every time we’d go visit him?”
“Jax—”
“No.” He cuts his hand through the air. “Let me ask you something, Lee. When he fucked around on you the same night your mom died…who was it that held you? Because it sure as shit wasn’t him. Was it my business then?”
Tears well in my eyes, the words dying on my tongue. “Jax…”
His cheeks are rosy with his anger, and he steps in close, lowering his voice. “Is it really that easy?”
“Is what that easy?”
“To forgive him? To take him back like nothing happened?”
“It’s not like that, I swear. We’ve just been friends and?—”
“I’ve waited years for you to give me a chance, Alina. Fucking years , hoping his memory would loosen its grip on your heart enough to just let you fucking see me. Chase treated you like shit, and somehow you still choose him over me, every single goddamn time. Less than a month he’s been back, and you just open your arms to him.” He raises his face to the sky and his voice cracks. “You’ve never even given me your hand.”
I feel like I might throw up. I swallow around the knot in my throat, searching for words to make this okay. “Jax, I… You know I love you.”
He blows out a breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just not as much as you love him, right?”
My clammy hands wring together. “Don’t do that. It’s different.”
His fingers tease the chain around his neck as he hangs his head, shaking it slightly. “I’m gonna go.”
He stomps by me and I reach out, grabbing the back of his shirt, trying to anchor him to me, my throat swelling. “You’re my best friend, Teeth.”
“Yeah, well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? I don’t want to just be your friend.”
I close my eyes.
“Do you hate me?” I whisper.
He doesn’t turn around, but he sighs and his stance softens. “I don’t think it’s possible to hate you, Alina.”
And then he walks down the steps of the front porch, and I watch helplessly as he peels out of the driveway.
It’s not until he’s gone that I collapse on the ground, covering my mouth to keep the sobs at bay.
This hurts.
I’m not sure how much time passes with me sitting outside, staring at the empty spot where Jax was, but I’m snapped out of my stupor when I hear the screen door open.
Chase sits next to me, his elbows resting on his knees and his eyes straight ahead. “Do you want me to go?”
I shake my head, a tear slipping down my cheek.
“Are you okay?”
I shake my head again. Another tear, and then another, until I’m crying all over again.
Chase wraps his arm around me, pulling me into his side. I lean into him, knowing I shouldn’t accept his embrace but basking in the solace, nonetheless.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
I bite my lip, keeping the words “It’s not your fault” from escaping. Because it is. At least a little bit.
Eventually, we go back inside and finish dinner.
Daddy’s already incoherent, and as I watch him, I can’t help but feel relieved Jax didn’t stick around. Things would have been much worse if he realized I kept Daddy’s issues from him. The fissure in my stomach gapes wider and threatens to swallow me whole.
I don’t feel happiness when I leave tonight.
I don’t sleep soundly in my own bed.
Instead, I try to keep from drowning in my failures.
Like every other Sunday, I visit Mama’s grave. There’s nothing I wish more than to have her hold me and tell me everything will be all right, but I’ll settle for spewing my broken heart all over her memory to help ease the ache.
By the time I get to Daddy’s for the night, I’m feeling a bit more put together. Chase isn’t coming, he has some business over in Nashville on Sundays, and honestly, it’s a good thing he isn’t here. After the blowout with Jax, I need some breathing room.
I’m getting lost in my feelings and forgetting how hard it was to find my way back last time.
But I guess my self-control is weak because I only make it through dinner before I give in to the urge to text him.
I think Daddy misses you.
I press send and toss my cell to the side, lay my head on the table, groaning. Why did I do that? My phone vibrates and I scramble to pick it back up.
Just him?
My stomach flutters.
Yep, just him. He’s pouting in his recliner as we speak. He’s gotten used to having you here and it doesn’t feel the same when you’re not.
I see the three dots appear and disappear over and over. Stupid, Lee. You’re stupid.
I miss you, too.
The butterflies jump into my throat. I wish he was here and that’s a dangerous thing for me to want. My mind goes back to the woman’s voice I heard at his place.
Is he in a relationship? Is that why he went back?
What’s in Nashville? Visiting friends?
I chew on my lip and spend the next ten minutes burning a hole through my phone with my stare. He doesn’t respond and I start to curse my nosiness. Is he with her right now? Jealousy bubbles through my veins at the thought of some other woman getting all of his attention. Feeling his touch.
Sorry, forget I asked. Not my business. Hope you have a good weekend.
I force myself to put my phone away, and it’s not until that night when I’m lying in the guest room, trying to find Chase’s scent on the pillows, that I pull it back out to check.
You can ask me whatever you want. Have an early morning meeting with my therapist and then a group thing tomorrow night. Lots of that bullshit talking stuff you don’t like.
A therapist. Does he talk about me?
I shake my head. Why would he? We’re ancient history, and he definitely had a woman in his place last week. Heck, he moved on before we were even apart.
The thought’s a dagger to the heart.
Asshole.
Just like that, the anger I’ve been missing rears its head. The more I focus on our past, the more I realize how naive I’ve been. Jax is right. I’ve been so stupid, letting him play me like he hasn’t already broken all my strings.
I exit out of our text message and pull up Jax’s instead.
Can we talk?
I wait all night, but there’s no reply.