Chapter fifty-seven
Rylee
Be brave.
“H i, Dr. Beck.” I sit on my bed with my laptop open in front of me.
“Hi, Rylee. How are you today?”
“I don’t know.” I grab a pillow and bring it to my chest.
As always. she doesn’t rush me, giving me time to gather my thoughts. “Something on your mind?”
“Yes, it’s about Luc.” My fingers dig into the pillow.
“What about him?”
“Hmm, during our honeymoon, I’ve been putting his dick inside me in my sleep.” I bury my face into the pillow. “Wait, am I even allowed to say dick?” I peek up at her.
“Rylee, you’ve been my patient for years, you’re allowed to express yourself however you want. I would never judge you.”
“This is so embarrassing.” I let out a shaky breath.
She gives me a small knowing smile, waiting for me to continue.
“One of the times we only slept for a couple of hours, so I woke up with him still inside of me, and the other time, he told me. But I don’t remember doing it.”
“Have you done this with anyone else?”
“I don’t think so, but they never stay over like that.”
“How does that make you feel?” She flips her notepad.
I laugh. “Like there’s something wrong with me. That I’m a freak”
“You’re not a freak. I think it means that your body trusts him.” She stares at me through the screen.
“What do you mean?”
“When you’re awake, your conscious mind controls everything, fears, defense, the need to protect yourself. But when you’re asleep, all that fades. Your subconscious takes over, and it feels safe with him. Because deep down, it wasn’t only about trust. It was about surrender.”
I stare at the screen, letting her words sink in. I’ve spent my whole life building my walls up because letting someone in meant getting hurt. But he somehow managed to tear them down. “But he lied to me,” I whisper, my chest feeling like it’s splintering into pieces.
“How does that make you feel?”
“I trusted him.” I draw in a shaky breath, feeling a cold emptiness settle in the pit of my stomach. “I was starting to let him in. Letting my guard down, and now I don’t know if I can trust him anymore.” The tears sting behind my eyelids. I try to blink them away, but they fall anyway. “I just feel so stupid,” I choke out.
“Why?” Her brows draw together as she patiently waits for my answers.
“Because I should’ve known better,” I whisper, struggling to meet her eyes. “For a second, I thought I could have this.” The tears slid down my cheeks. I try to swipe them away, but they keep coming. “I really wanted to have this.” Each words a little more broken than before.
“You keep saying ‘this.’ What is ‘this,’ Rylee?” She waits for me to answer, but I can’t say it.
“Do you mean love?” she asks gently.
I nod.
“Wanting love isn’t stupid, Rylee,” she says softly. “It’s human .”
“I know he didn’t mean to hurt me, but he did.” I take a shaky breath, staring past the screen.
“What are you going to do with the hurt?”
“I don’t know. I want to forgive him, but what if I forgive him and he still leaves?” I close my eyes, wrestling with the ache in my chest.
“Do you still believe in the curse?”
I stiffen, my finger automatically reaching for my rose quartz ring. The one that reminds me all the time that love isn’t meant for me. “I don’t want to anymore.”
“That’s good, Rylee. I’m not saying the curse isn’t real, but sometimes our fears can be a curse. They keep us stuck in the past.”
The truth of her words sinks in, and I close my eyes before opening them again.
“You’re not your mother, or your great-grandmother, and Luc isn’t the man who left them,” she continues. “But the question is, are you ready to break your own curse? To let yourself believe that you’re worth loving? To choose it for yourself?”
“So, what do I do now?”
“You can’t get rid of your fears all at once or erase what happened, but you can decide what to do with them. Right now, you’re holding it in all alone, but healing happens together.”
“You’re saying I need to talk to him?”
“I’m saying you need to let him in. Give him a chance to fix it.”
“Okay.”
“Has any of this made you want to hurt yourself?” she asks. Last summer, after I left, I burned myself to distract me from everything I didn’t want to feel.
I inhale slowly then shake my head. “I haven’t.” Maybe I’m stronger than I thought.
“That’s good, Rylee. That’s progress. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you.” I smile at her.
“We covered a lot tonight. Now get some rest and we’ll talk more next time.”
“Good night.”
The call ends. My hands tremble as I slide the ring off my finger, taking it off for the first time in years. Deep down, I know I deserve to be loved. Maybe now, I’m brave enough to chase that love and to embrace everything that comes with it.