38. Lily
THIRTY-EIGHT
LILY
I haven’t heard from Alex in two days, and it has my nerves on edge. It’s not like him to just disappear, and the fact that it’s happened after what I thought was a monumental night sends tendrils of unease curling around my spine.
Maybe he’s sick .
It’s times like these when I wish I had a cell phone, so I could send him a text or something . But instead I’m just here, floating in limbo, waiting for him to either put me out of my misery or for the other shoe to drop.
Where is he?
“Mommy, I wanna pway ball.” Chase comes from his room, a bright orange ball wrapped in his tiny hands.
“Okay, baby. Just give me a minute and we’ll head out.” My plan is to take him to the park, then stop by the Motel 6 and check to make sure everything’s okay with Alex.
He wouldn’t just leave. He promised.
“But I wanna pway now!” Chase screeches, hopping through the living room.
I lean over, massaging my temples, trying to soothe away the pulsing between my eyes. “I’m gonna grab some medicine and then we can go, okay? Do you need help with your shoes?” I ask.
He shakes his head, the ball pressed up against his red-and-blue Spider-Man tee. “Nope. I got ’em.”
I smile at him and walk down the small hallway into our cramped bathroom, the light flickering as I open the medicine cabinet, grabbing the Excedrin. Normally, I stay away from medicine, anything that numbs pain is a slippery slope, but every once in a while, I cave, knowing the migraine will incapacitate me if I don’t get it under control.
“Okay, baby boy, are you ready?” I holler, moving back to the living room. I open my mouth to speak again but my words cut off when I realize Chase is nowhere in sight.
“Chase!” I yell, my heart banging so fast it’s liable to burst through the center of my chest. My eyes scan the living room, noticing the front door is ajar.
I run toward it, my fingers jamming into the doorframe as I pass the threshold and look for him. My stomach is in knots, my breathing choppy, panic squeezing my insides. But then I see him, skipping after his ball across the road. My heart shoots to my throat when I see him approach two men, and I sprint down the staircase to chase him across the street, terror gripping me from the inside out.
Chase turns around, grinning wide when he sees me. “Mommy!” he yells, waving me over.
I pick up the pace, desperate to get him away from strangers. Who are these guys? And what the hell are they doing standing in an empty parking lot behind the bushes?
My vision blurs, eyes laser-focused on my baby boy, on making sure I don’t lose sight of him for a second. As I close the gap, relief trickles through my veins, and it’s only then that I look up.
I stop short, feet stumbling and my lungs squeezing tight. Anxiety shoots up my middle, lodging into my throat and expanding until I’m sure if I tried to speak, it would explode out of me in a guttural sob. I put my hand out, silently urging him to come closer.
He runs over and slams into my legs, wrapping his arms around my knees, and my rigid body sways but stays locked in place. Tears burn behind my eyes, my nostrils flaring to try and ease the heavy ache in my heart as I stare into a face so similar to mine.
So similar to my son’s.
My brother, Chase.
“Lily.” His voice is a whisper, but it’s enough to break the dam, and I swallow the pain that’s surging through my insides.
How did he find me?
I have no clue how I’m supposed to react. I wasn’t prepared. I haven’t planned. My fingers scratch against my wrist, nerves wringing tight, twisting until they’re about to snap. I want to run into his arms. I want to tell him how much I’ve missed him. How the little girl inside of me went missing when I did and how for the first time I can feel her coming back to life.
“No, this is Mommy .”
I smile down at my son, hoping like hell that the way my heart slams against my ribs doesn’t show on my face.
“That’s right, baby.” I smooth his hair from his forehead.
Sucking in a deep breath, I look back up and I meet my brother’s gaze.
“Hi,” I mumble.
His eyes gain a glossy sheen, his jaw muscles tensing.
“Hey, Lily. Long time.” A voice to Chase’s right steals my attention and I glance over, taking in the charming smile and hypnotic green eyes of Jackson Rhoades. My brother’s best friend. He’s seemed to have only grown more handsome over the years, and my heart stutters when I realize if he’s here with Chase that means they’re still as close as ever. Jealousy flares along my edges, knowing that life went on as usual in Sugarlake without me.
Still, even through the twinge of envy, my mouth lifts as I soak him in. Jackson has always had an effortless charm that exudes from his pores, the way a rainbow breaks through stormy clouds.
“Hi, Jax.” I smile.
His eyes move to my son while mine float back to my brother. Chase is frozen in place, his brow furrowed, gaze bouncing from me to my baby boy. The scar through his left eyebrow is still as prominent as it was when we were kids, and a pang of hurt slices through me, remembering how he got it.
From protecting me. Like usual.
He doesn’t speak and familiarity lights up my insides at the brooding. Some things never change.
But what does one even say to a sibling they haven’t seen in over ten years?
I’m sorry ?
I’ve missed you ?
This doesn’t change a thing ?
“Lily,” he says again, his voice catching on my name.
“You know my mommy?” Baby Chase’s voice breaks through the tension, his eyes big and round. Pain spreads through my sternum, regret sloshing around my stomach, heavy and thick, that this is his first introduction to family.
My brother’s face breaks into a soft smile, his eyes leaving mine. “Yeah, kid. I know your mommy.”
“What’s your name?” Jax cuts in, kneeling on his heels.
I blink slowly, preparing for the onslaught of emotion, not wanting to look in my brother’s eyes when he hears my son’s name.
“I’m Chase.” He beams, puffing out his tiny chest.
My brother’s nostrils flare and Jax’s mouth gapes open as both of their gazes swing to mine.
I swallow around the knot in my throat and run my fingers through my baby’s hair to keep myself calm and grounded.
“Do you—” My voice breaks, and I clear my throat and try again. “Do you guys want to come inside?” I point behind me at the apartment complex.
Chase waves his arm. “Lead the way, Lil.”
The nickname spears through my chest, rupturing the stitches that have held me together over the years, and I turn around to hide the tears forming behind my eyes. It’s an odd feeling, being so happy to see him but wanting him to disappear.
They follow us across the street and up the stairs, my stomach tightening as memories from the other night with Alex flash through my mind, reminding me that he’s been MIA ever since. But I can’t focus on that now, not when my past has forced its way into my present.
The front door is still open from where I ran away in a hurry, and I see Chase’s eyes follow my baby boy as he runs across the living room, plopping down in front of his play area.
I walk straight to the kitchen counter, ripping open my purse and grabbing a stick of cinnamon gum, my wrist being rubbed raw by the pads of my fingers. Breathing deep, I roll my shoulders back, turning toward Chase and Jax. They’re both standing in front of the couch, taking in their surroundings.
Judging , I’m sure. “Do you guys want something to drink?”
A low laugh rumbles out of Chase, his thumb flicking over his bottom lip. “I want a lot of things, Lil, but a drink definitely isn’t at the top of my list.”
I swallow, glancing down at the worn carpet. “I was just trying to be hospitable.”
Jax pats Chase on the back, moving farther into the living room and sitting down on the couch, an easy smile gracing his features. “I’d love something to drink, Lily. And then we should catch up.” His eyes glance over to my baby boy. “But…maybe not in front of such sensitive ears?”
It’s not a bad idea to send baby Chase to Susan’s, so we can talk in privacy. But the part of me that knows this is my only day of the week to spend with him holds on tight, not wanting to give up such precious moments. Still, I know they’re right. I can feel the anger floating through the air, wrapping around my neck like a noose, and he doesn’t need to be around to see the hanging.
Sucking down my pride, I nod. “Hey, baby boy, you wanna go play with Susan for a little bit and let Mommy get our new friends settled?”
Baby Chase sits up a bit straighter, the blue Lego dropping from his hand as he chews on his lip. “I want Awex.”
My heart thunks against my ribs, my stomach splitting down the middle. “Alex is busy right now, honey, but maybe later.”
His lips turn down in the corners, but he eventually nods, standing up and putting his small hand in mine. My eyes slide to our guests, Chase’s fists clenched so tight I’m surprised his fingernails aren’t breaking through the skin of his palms.
“We’ll be right back. Just…” I glance around, unease flowing through the space between us. “Make yourselves at home, I guess.”
I don’t know why they’re here, but the fact of the matter is they are , so I need to deal with it. All I can do is hope that after we talk, they understand all of the reasons why I stayed away. Why I have to continue to stay away.
Because I’ll do anything to protect my child.