39. Lily
THIRTY-NINE
LILY
It’s been silent for ten minutes. Shortly after I got back from Susan’s, Jax said he would give us some space, pulling his phone out of his pocket and smiling wide as he walked out the front door. Ever since, it’s just been Chase and me, his eyes boring into the side of my head.
My fingers tap out an unsteady rhythm on my wrist, my legs crisscrossed underneath me and going numb from lack of blood flow. But I don’t want to move, afraid that if I break whatever weird stasis we’re in, I’ll cave first.
I want to talk, but I’m not the one who showed up out of nowhere, and I have no idea what to say. I’m having a hard enough time trying to keep from flinging myself into his arms just to soak up his embrace, to remember what it feels like after going so many years without.
Chase groans, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. The way he stares is the exact same as it always has been, like his eyes are stripping me away piece by piece, finding the truth even when I hide it behind thick layers.
Growing up, he always read me like a book. But eventually, when there are things you want to keep from prying eyes, you learn how to hide the message.
His gaze slides down my arms, watching the way my fingers tap against my forearm.
“What are they of?” His voice is raspy after so many minutes of silence, and I look down, my heart shooting to my throat when I realize he’s asking about my tattoos.
Swallowing, my fingers stop their incessant rubbing to glide over the ink, appreciating the artwork instead. I move closer, holding out my arm for him to see. I skim the dates inscribed on the inside of my wrist first. “This is the day Chase was born.”
His nostrils flare. “Nice name.”
A small smile breaks its way onto my face. My fingers move. “And this is?—”
“Wiggles,” he interrupts. “I’d recognize that bunny anywhere.” He smirks and lightness weaves through my insides, hope sprouting wings, tempting me to try and soar. But the higher you fly, the harder you fall, so I temper the feeling.
I scoff, rolling my eyes to hide the emotion that’s lying behind them. “Do not disrespect Wiggles. He was everything to me.”
“He was disgusting.”
“He was home .”
That word quiets the space between us, filling it with a thick tension that pulls tighter with every second.
“Where the fuck have you been, Lil?” Chase whispers, his voice cracking.
My stomach rages with unease, unsure of how to answer him. I’ve been a lot of places. Beaten and left for dead by my shit ex-boyfriend. Feeling like I was going to die while I went through withdrawals on Derek’s guest bed, pregnant and scared. But those are conversations I don’t think he’s ready to hear and, honestly, ones I’m not sure I’m ready to tell.
“I’ve been living, Chase.” I shrug.
“No,” he says sharply. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to shrug your shoulders and brush this off like you didn’t return a fucking phone call. You disappeared , Lily.”
My chest constricts. “I know,” I whisper.
“Do you?” he shoots back. “Do you have any idea what that was like for me?”
Irritation snaps at my spine with his words. What it was like for him ?
“No, Chase, I don’t know. Because believe it or not, not everything is about you. I was fucked-up, okay?” Tears burn my lower lids, my heart slamming against my sternum with every breath. “And I’m sorry .” My hands cover my chest. “I’m sorry that I left. I’m sorry that I never called. I’m sorry that you wasted a trip out here, trying to find answers for something that I don’t have answers for .” Wetness drips down my face, falling on my upper lip, and I swipe it away angrily, emotion dancing around my insides like it’s the first time it’s felt freedom in years.
“It was my job to take care of you.” His voice cracks.
My stomach flares, old wounds bleeding like they’re newly formed, and I reach out, my palm covering his. “No, Chase. It wasn’t.”
He scoffs, ripping his hand out from under mine before standing up and pacing the floor.
“Are you clean?” His words sting as they slap across my face, and my body leans back from the impact.
The pads of my fingers trace over the raised flesh on my arms. “Yeah. A little over four years now.”
He whooshes out a breath, running his hands through his hair and nodding. “Four years,” he mutters. “Four years.” He walks to the wall where pictures of baby Chase are hanging, his eyes bouncing from one to the next like he doesn’t know where to look first. “How old is he?”
“He’s three and a half.”
He tilts his head to the ceiling and nods. “He’s beautiful, Lil.”
My heart stutters, more tears escaping from the corner of my eyes. I’ve dreamed of this. Of having Chase meet his nephew. Of them loving each other. I can’t help the seed that’s planted in the middle of my chest, threatening to tear through the soil of my melancholy and hope they get a chance.
“Thank you.” I bite back what I really want to say.
Aren’t you proud?
Can’t you see?
I didn’t end up like her.
“How did you find me?” I say instead.
He spins to face me. “I’ve been desperate to fucking find you, Lily, for ten goddamn years.”
My breath stalls in my throat. “I didn’t want to be found.”
“Clearly,” he deadpans. “A few years ago, Sam and Anna hired a PI to look for you.”
My chest tightens, the two letters echoing through my chest cavity, reminding me of Alex and his sudden disappearing act. A chill skates up my spine.
“They did?” The thought of Sam and Anna makes sadness wind through my muscles, the tendons tearing from the weight of my guilt. They were good to me, and I loved them. Love them. But they were easy to manipulate. Some mistakes are ones you have to live with for the rest of your life. Taking advantage of Sam and Anna is one of mine.
Not everyone is meant for redemption. Some of us are destined to live in purgatory, hoping we get a chance to repent in the next life. I’ve made peace with that, but it doesn’t make the want to right my wrongs any less potent.
Chase nods. “About a year ago, I decided to hire him again.”
“You should have just stopped looking,” I mutter.
“Do you have any idea what you put me through, Lily? What life was like once you were gone?” He steps closer, his eyes blazing with his heartbreak.
“I know, I?—”
“No,” he interrupts. “I don’t think you do . You have no clue.”
A tear drips down my face and I wipe it with the back of my hand, biting back the sob that wants to tear through my throat. “I’m sorry, Chase. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
He blows out a breath, his hands resting on the nape of his neck. “It’s okay. I mean…” He shakes his head. “It’s not okay, but once you’re back home, we’ll have time to work things out.”
Shock cramps my stomach. The Chase I knew would have solved things with either his fists or with immediate aggression. There’s never been a situation where he’s been calm and collected enough to realize that it will take time to solve. This change in his personality is jarring, a stark reminder that he continued to grow while I was gone. I don’t know the man standing in front of me, and that makes grief stick to my lungs. It’s heavy, weighing down each breath with the reality that lost years can never be found.
I swallow around the thick saliva pooling in my mouth. “Wait, what do you mean ‘when we go home’?”
His hands drop to his sides. “Back to Sugarlake, Lily.” His brows draw in. “Did you really think I was coming all this way to not take you back with me?”
I scoff. “I’m an adult, Chase.”
“Really?” he sneers. “Wish I could have been around to see it.”
I wince. “I deserve that.”
He huffs out a laugh, plopping down in the seat next to me. I can feel the shift of energy, the anger draining away, releasing its hold on the air as he breathes deep and mouths silent words to himself. My eyes widen as I watch him gain control, in awe of the man he’s become without me. The Chase I remember would have lost his shit and asked questions later.
He turns toward me, pasting a smile on his face. “We can work out the details later. I just…” His hand rubs his chest. “I feel so fucking much right now, and it’s overwhelming. I don’t want you to think I’m not ready to hear you.”
My mouth drops open.
“What?” He cocks a brow.
“Who are you?”
“It’s your fault for not knowing.” His eyes cut me with their glare.
A knock sounds on the door, and my heart jumps to my throat, hope swelling in my chest that it’s Alex. But when the door swings open and Jax walks in with a smile on his face, that hope deflates.
“Everyone still alive in here?” He meanders in with a smile, instantly easing the tension in the room. “What’d I miss?”
Chase sighs. “Just filling in Lily on how we found her.”
A sick feeling settles heavy in my gut. What are the odds a PI would show up in my life right when Chase comes back?
My hands grow clammy, nerves making my skin pull tight. “Hey, what was the name of the PI you used?”
Chase looks over to me, running his hand through his hair. “Mason, why?”
Relief trickles through my veins. Thank God .
I shrug. “Just curious.”
My heart aches at Alex’s silence, but I swallow down the pain, reminding myself that I chose to trust him. But I don’t think a simple phone call is too much to ask.
Jax walks over and settles between us, throwing his arm around my shoulder and winking. “As cozy as this is, we should probably find a place to stay.” He looks around. “I don’t think there’s room for us here.”
I cringe at the reminder of everything my life is lacking. At the small apartment that can’t even comfortably fit baby Chase and me, let alone visitors. “There’s not much around Raindale, other than the Motel 6 on the edge of town.”
Chase nods. “That will work.”
“I don’t have a car, but I can walk you guys there.” I perk up at the opportunity to go see Alex, anxious energy popping like kernels in my stomach.
Chase smirks. “We have a car.”
My brows rise. “Oh, right.”
“You can still come, though,” he continues. “Give us directions.”
I smile. “Only a few roads in this town, and the motel is on the main stretch.”
He blows out a breath, his eyes growing dark, looking like he’s searching for the words to say. “I want you to come, Lil.”
Warmth spreads through me at his tone and I nod. “Okay, I will.” My fingers tap against my wrist. “Wait…so if you hired a private investigator, does that mean that someone has been watching me?”
Nausea curdles my gut at the fact that I didn’t know—wasn’t aware of my surroundings. Anything could have happened.
Chase twists his lips. “I’m not gonna apologize for doing what I needed to do to find you.” He shakes his head, nostrils flaring. “I’ll be outside by the car. We can talk more about this later, after we get settled in.”
My lips turn down as he walks from the room, the piece of my heart that cracked when I left him throbbing.
Jax sighs, tapping his fingers on his knee. “He is happy, you know? He’s just hurt.”
“Yeah, well.” I tense my jaw. “Some things never change, I guess.”
“With all due respect, Lily.” Jax leans toward me on the couch. “You’ve been gone for ten years. You have no idea what’s happened while you were gone. No clue how much your brother has truly changed.”
He stands up, stretching his arms above his head, my eyes catching on the thin sliver of skin peeking between his jeans and his shirt. How can someone be so…pretty?
“Now, come on, Mama, we’ve got a motel to get and a brother’s broken heart to soothe.”
My chest squeezes as I stand up and follow him out, pushing my feelings down and focusing on the moment.
Chase is here.
Alex is missing.
And I have no idea what the fuck to do.