Chapter 11 #2
He took me to the mats, where we stretched while Levi grilled me on my jiujitsu experience, digging up memories I had forgotten I still held.
Then we sparred, and sparred, and sparred.
I struggled to the point of embarrassment.
Levi kept pushing me, uttering snide remarks that made me see red, tricking me into engaging.
Each time he grinned at me, eyes flashing, invigorated.
I saw a sliver of the man I had stitched up all those years ago.
The ease heightened his handsome features, illuminating a charm he hid away behind his usual immovable scowl.
He loved sparring, I realized. It came easily to him the way shooting did to me. We might have been friends forever ago when life existed above the surface, when I found the same high from sparring, when it had just been an outlet for the things I had thought were worth stressing over.
“Get out of this, and we can move on,” Levi said as he baited me.
I huffed against his weight and request. “You’re bigger than me, I’ve told you that.”
“So was Murray. Do I have to make some crude sexual advances to make you fight, or can you just do it on your own?”
“Fuck off.”
“We can talk about what made you freeze in the tunnel,” Levi told me. I snapped. I shot my arm between his while I sought leverage and acted. Limbs were flying until I got my legs around his neck. Levi tapped.
I rolled off of him, gulping oxygen. Levi pushed to his feet. “Not too bad.”
He walked off. I stayed on the ground, my pulse slowing in the quiet. This late, no one else was here. Levi loomed above me just as my heart settled into a regular beat. Sweat dripped off of him; I saw a sly smile spread across his face before I rolled to the left, avoiding the drips.
I pushed to my feet. “You did that on purpose.”
“Maybe. Drink your water.”
I took the cup he held out for me. I didn’t know what drove the question, but something Damien had said lingered. “What did Damien mean about not drinking?”
Levi took a long drag of water, his scowl finding him again. “I don’t drink anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because when I did, I didn’t know when to stop. I became all the things I hated about the people who once mattered to me. Do you drink?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m scared of who I’d be if I did. I don’t think I should.”
“I understand. They would too, you know,” Levi said quietly. I began to move toward the obstacle course, but Levi’s next words halted me. “Just because someone’s demons look different from yours, or they’ve found a way to hide them better, doesn’t mean they don’t have them.”
After two cups of water and the shortest reprieve known to man, I tilted my head up, watching Levi scale the rope.
“It’s right here,” Levi called from the three-quarter mark. “This is where you give up. Figure out what you need to push through it,” he coached, climbing the rest of the way up with just his arms.
Show-off, I thought as he quickly touched the top, then descended.
“Your turn,” Levi told me, walking toward his cup of water.
“Why?” I demanded.
“Because we are going above,” Levi said.
“You haven’t been up there. It isn’t like before.
The places we’re going”—he paused, running a towel over his head, mopping up the remaining sweat—“it’s not easy.
There’s a reason partners don’t want to change.
It was part of the reason Hayes had us all take turns with you—to build unity.
That and to fend off Burdon’s threat. I disagreed.
Thought we should just get it out of the way. ”
“You wanted someone to jump me sooner?” I asked, brows high.
Levi didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”
“Thanks, partner,” I bit out.
“It wasn’t personal. I was your only real option for a partner, and I needed you to try. If Murray attacked you two weeks ago and you fought like you did, we could have proved Burdon wrong and got on with our mission.”
“And if I didn’t fight?”
“Same thing—we could have stopped wasting our time and got on with our mission.” His words hit me in the chest. “Hayes disagreed with me. He wanted to give you time, prove Burdon wrong without violence. He wanted to protect you and give you a choice. It would have killed him, publicly humiliated him, but he would have let you go back.”
“And you wanted violence?” I asked.
Levi shrugged. “I’m not considerate like Hayes.”
“Why does Burdon want to kick me out? Why does she want your unit to fail?”
“That’s a question for Hayes,” Levi told me. There it was again, their loyalty to one another. The thing beneath my skin bristled against it as Levi took a seat on the mat. “Climb the rope.”
I stared between him and the rope.
“You’re going to need me up there,” Levi said, “whether you like it or not. And I’m going to need you. I need to know you’re going to try. I need to know you’ll push through whatever you’re fighting up there.” Levi tapped his head. “So climb the damn rope.”
I gripped the rope and pulled myself up, muscles screaming, sweat trickling down my temples. I didn’t even make it halfway before I tumbled back to the ground, the air whooshing from my lungs.
“That was a shit attempt. Again.” Levi stretched out and leaned back on his hands. It was the most relaxed I had ever seen him.
“If I suck so bad, why did you choose me as a partner?” I spat, sprawled on my ass.
“Three reasons. Most important, you’re a fighter.”
“Everyone in Haven is a fighter.”
“Not like you. I’ve only met a handful who fight like you,” Levi confessed. “The issue is you’re fighting the wrong enemy.”
His comment landed as brutally as my usual blows. I glared at him, the beast demanding blood. He didn’t balk.
“I get it,” Levi said. “I spent most of my life doing the same thing. I don’t know what happened to you or what demons you’re fighting.
It’s not my place to know, and I’m not here to force you to get over them or judge how you’re coping with them.
” His words were so at odds with his causal posture.
“I am telling you to fight them. You’re here.
Fucking fight like that means something. ”
I tore my eyes from him, gripping the rope.
Taking a deep breath, I began to climb, one hand above the other.
I pushed past my grip attempting to give out.
My heart protested as it raced against my effort.
The raging pulse reminded me I was still here.
I didn’t know if being here meant anything at all.
Maybe the problem was it meant everything.
That I remained and the ones I loved didn’t.
I pushed the thought away. If it were Lara still here, or Eli…I’d want them to live. To be more than what I’d let myself become. I pulled harder and tightened my thighs around the rope, pushing myself upward. The ceiling grew closer, and my siblings’ ghosts grew louder, threatening to pull me down.
No, you’re the knight, Sash…I’m not scared.
Every failure I had committed, I pushed through. There was no encouragement from Levi. The top was nearly within arm’s reach.
I think you’re braver than even Dad. Mom’s just tired. She didn’t mean it, Sash…I’m not scared.
I could fight. I had been fighting for years, but my failures had turned that fight inward. I didn’t know how to change that—if I could. I stretched, pushing against my feet until my thighs burned, the very tips of my fingers brushing the top.
I’ll be right here. You are the best big sister…I’m not scared.
I inched up, my legs shaking until my hand rested flat against the cold stone ceiling.
I had done it.
Loosening my grip and tightening my legs, I let myself slide back down. My hand found my chest. I had touched the top. I waited for pride to trickle in. It was as elusive as the relief I had longed for earlier.
Instead, I only felt acceptance. I was still here. And I would fight for them.
“That’s enough for today,” Levi said, standing. “Let’s head back. The others should be thoroughly drunk and passed out by now.”
I followed Levi, exiting the Gym. He didn’t congratulate me. He didn’t pry.
“You said there are three reasons you agreed to be my partner,” I said as we walked through the tunnels.
“I did.”
“What are the other two?”
Levi glanced my way. “I’m a shit shot, and you’re sniper-level accurate. Covering my weaknesses.”
“Last reason?”
“You don’t want to hear the last one,” Levi said, sizing me up. We turned down the tunnel to our living quarters.
“Try me,” I retorted.
“Partners should be strictly partners,” Levi said. “Otherwise, it complicates things, sways your judgment.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I muttered, stopping outside our door.
“Keep telling yourself that, Cadell.”
I must have tensed, because Levi demanded, “Out with it. What do you want to be called? You hate your last name. I get that.”
“Do you?” I snapped.
“I do, but I don’t think I hate it for the same reason you do. So, is it Sasha? Death’s Angel? You seem to hate that too. Death?”
“Just Sasha,” I said.
“I suggest going straight to bed when you get in there, Sasha.” Levi stepped away from the door.
“Aren’t you coming in?” I asked.
“Nah, I have things to do. Not in the mood for the debauchery and lack of sleeping quarters. Good night.” Levi took off down the tunnel.
I pushed the door open, unsure what he meant by lack of sleeping quarters, because the room was quiet, the party from earlier put to bed.
I glanced down to see five pairs of boots.
Someone else was missing besides Levi. I unlaced my boots, kicking them off next to the untidy row.
Clothing piled on the mat in a forgotten heap, the pieces themselves as indiscernible as the possible owners.
Light snores drifted from my bunk room. Other sounds floated to me from the boys’ room. I froze, my back straightening at the soft, breathy sounds mixed with a deeper accompaniment. None of my business—it was none of my business. I blocked out who might be beyond the door.