Chapter 20 #2
“Then I’ll do it by myself. I can do it alone,” I said, throwing my shoulders back. I believed it. “I’ll take care of them.”
My father placed the pad down, turning my chair to face him. His gaze met mine. “When I was younger, I thought the same thing. Convinced I could do everything alone. You can’t, little flower.”
“Lara doesn’t even like this type of stuff. She’s like Mom,” I practically sneered, my jealousy obvious.
“Have you asked her?”
I shook my head.
“Then how do you know she doesn’t want to be with you, to help you and learn, if you haven’t asked?” His brown eyes searched my face. “It’s okay to need people, Sasha. We all do.”
I smiled, even if I didn’t believe it. Not when the person I had always needed had never helped me.
We had been given forty-eight bells off. One day rolled into the next, the beds next to me always filled with someone sleeping, each one bringing updates.
“Levi did have an internal bleed. They have it under control,” Ingrid told me before collapsing. She fell asleep facing me.
“Levi is stable,” Rumi said sometime later before sleeping. I turned toward the wall as tears fell. Were they relief? Grief? I didn’t know. I slept more.
“Levi is awake,” Isla shouted, rushing in during the middle of the night.
Everyone had dressed and hurried out. I hadn’t. I told myself he’d have his unit. That seven people were too many people to visit at once.
“Sasha, you coming?” Damien yelled into the room.
I didn’t answer.
“Is she okay?” Patrick asked from the room beyond.
“She’s been sleeping a lot,” Isla said.
The door opened and they left. My memories came back as I fell back asleep.
“It’s me,” I said quietly. The room was dark, the war underway. My mother lay in her bed, too thin, too frail.
My father had died a month ago. She had been ill since, slowly deteriorating. A part of me wished she’d just get on with it as I watched my siblings teeter between hope and desperation. I didn’t know what I hated more—myself for wishing it would just end, or her for not even attempting to stay.
“I brought more broth,” I said.
She turned away from it. Anger welled up in me at her dismissal of me—of life. The letter informing us of my father’s passing lay next to the bed. Maybe I hated that the most.
“They need you,” I said, angry tears welling in my eyes. “Lara and Eli need you.”
“They’ll manage. They have you. You have always been capable,” she told me weakly, as if talking was trying for her.
“Just drink the broth.”
“Give it to the kids,” she said, turning away from me completely. Her shoulder was nothing but bones. The way she referred to only Eli and Lara as kids steeled my spine.
“So, you’re quitting? You’re just giving up on them?”
“They have you. You have all your father’s training and courage. They don’t need me.”
Angry tears fell. “What about me?”
“You’ve never needed anyone.”
My heart collapsed upon itself at the lie. Was that what my mother had told herself all these years?
“I needed you. My whole life, I needed you. I wasn’t capable. I became capable because you weren’t there. I need you, Mom.” She turned toward me, her face gaunt. “I haven’t asked you for anything in years. I’m asking you…I’m begging you to fight for Eli and Lara. Please, Mom, don’t leave us.”
She didn’t fight. A day later, when I took my brother and sister out for some fresh air, she died. Utterly alone. She died alone.
The beast stayed quiet when I woke. The days blurred together. The unit provided me updates on Levi. By the third day he was awake, his shoulder mended, and he maintained complete function of his hand. He would recover. Maybe no one had informed Burdon.
Burdon was all smiles at Formation on the third morning when Unit Seven was due back.
To my knowledge, we hadn’t discovered anything that helped our impending doom.
We had failed to find more provisions. But she congratulated us on a successful mission, telling the entire Force of Levi’s injury.
A heroic injury, she had called it, pontificating how valuable Levi’s time in the Force had been.
How we should all be inspired to have a career like his.
It felt more like a retirement speech or a eulogy.
Based on the stiff bodies of Unit Seven, I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.
The next two days, I moved from one thing to the next in a haze.
My life was once again dictated by bells.
The days were distorted; one moment, a bell told me to wake, but before I ever truly woke up, another bell told me to sleep.
In my beast’s slumber, I drifted through the tunnels like one of the ghosts that haunted me.
“Cadell, can I have a word?” Tristian called as the others headed toward the mess hall, our day wrapping up.
It was the first day the unit seemed to have regained some life from our journey.
Maybe the others all talked about it. I hadn’t.
I simply moved to where I was told to be as Unit Seven operated around me.
I felt as if I were in a bubble, isolated from them.
“Come with me,” Tristian instructed. I followed him as he weaved through the Gym, the entire Force heading toward the mess hall. He pulled open the door to the Exploratory Room. The door shut, and we were alone. The map lit with several dots moving above. I couldn’t look at it.
“Are you sleeping? Eating? I haven’t seen you in the mess hall since we returned.
No one else has either.” I was sleeping, but not like I had on the mission.
I was eating sometimes. I thought of the dried fruit I had awoken to, wrapped in a piece of cloth yesterday. I didn’t know who had brought it.
“What do you want, Hayes?” I asked tiredly.
“To make sure you’re okay. You’re avoiding our unit.”
“Your unit.”
“Our unit,” he corrected firmly. “You haven’t gone to see Levi.”
I flinched like he had struck me. “Is this a wellness check or a guilt trip?”
Tristian’s shoulders deflated. He raised a hand like he might reach out to me.
“Sasha, I am sorry for how I was at Outpost Three. I appreciate everything you did to keep Levi alive. I was worried about you burning yourself out. I know how easy it is to overstretch yourself for others, but I should have been kinder. I was scared. I should have kept us in the suits. I should have—”
“Stayed Levi’s partner instead of me?” My guilt pushed against my skin.
“No, you are Levi’s partner now. I am trying to apologize,” Tristian told me, his hand a tight fist as it fell heavy at his side.
“I don’t want your apology.”
“Damn it, Sasha. Would it kill you to just have a normal conversation with me? To just listen. I thought something had changed on the mission. I thought when you…” He fisted his hands. “I thought things were better between us.”
“When I what? Was cold and needed warmth? You thought that meant something?” I bit out, almost choking on my viciousness. Something screamed in me, begging me to stop.
Tristian’s eyes went wide. “I thought—”
“You thought wrong, Hayes. If you had just left me in Expansion, you would still be Levi’s partner, and this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Is that what you think?” Tristian demanded, his eyes wide in disbelief as they searched my face once more. “If I left you in Expansion and Levi got injured in the Abyss, he would have died. You saved him, Sasha. Why are you punishing yourself for that?”
“I made the call to come to you. I made the call, Hayes,” I exclaimed. My regret tore through my flesh as flashes of Levi’s injury pelted me.
Tristian shifted closer to me. “You were worried about your unit. That isn’t a bad thing.
” It was, though. Why couldn’t he see that?
“You made the call. You also stopped the bleeding. You pulled a grown man back to Outpost Three. You commanded your group as their medic.” I shook my head.
“You found the internal bleed. You collected and administered blood while we ran. You kept Levi alive. Levi is alive in the Ward because of you.”
I shook away the things that tried to break free. “Would you have gone below alone if Levi had been your partner?”
Tristian pulled back. “Why does that matter?”
“Would you?” I asked again.
“I am Ingrid’s partner. That question isn’t relevant.”
“It does matter,” I spat. “Have you ever considered the ramifications of this injury? Of Levi’s health score? I kept him alive, fine. But what is the cost of that? He might never spar again. He might be alive because of me, but he’s in the fucking Ward because of me too.”
“You need someone to blame?” Tristian closed the distance between us, his gaze boring into mine, anger of his own there.
I already had someone to blame, and there was nothing Tristian could say to change that. I was drowning in it. He moved closer, only inches between us. My breath caught as he tilted his head down toward me, his dark brown curls falling forward.
“I’ve told you once. I’ll tell you again.
Hate me. Blame me,” he demanded. “I needed a medic. I requested you for months. I took you from Expansion. I went to Kumar behind my Force commander’s back to try to sway the other sector leaders.
I orchestrated this. I chose my unit over you.
Over what you wanted. Levi’s injury is on me.
His health score is on me. I went down alone.
I am the reason you made the call. So hate me, Sasha. ”
My lungs collapsed, my heart battering my ribs.
“Please,” Tristian said quietly. “Just hate me instead.”
I wanted to—needed to—but as his green eyes collided with mine, I found I couldn’t. I knew I should. I knew what happened to those who stayed close to me. I had lost them all. I should push him away. But just like in the outpost, I didn’t.
“Unit Commander Hayes, are we interrupting something?”
Tristian and I flew apart. Burdon stood by the door, her brows impossibly high.
“No, Lyssa,” Tristian said, spine stiffening.
The door snapped closed. Jaxon stood behind her, something blue clutched in his left hand.
“Are you sure?” Burdon asked. “That seemed rather intimate.” Her cunning sapphire gaze flickered between us.
Tristian remained quiet, his jaw tight.
“Well, if you’re sure, I was showing Jaxon the Exploratory Room for his new assignment.”
Something ominous and sticky slid into the pit of my stomach as Jaxon smirked gleefully.
“What new assignment?” Tristian asked.
“I had planned to tell you alone, but you ignored my summons last night,” Burdon stated.
“I was in the Ward checking on Levi. Anything you need to tell me can be said in front of my medic,” Tristian said coldly.
“We both know that isn’t even remotely true. But seeing how it affects her, she might as well stay.”
Tristian’s gaze found Jaxon before flying back to Burdon. “What have you done?”
“Executed my power. You found an entrance. You will need to go above and soon. Sooner than poor Williams can heal and be cleared. If he’s cleared at all.
Tragic injury. Thank goodness for your medic.
” Burdon strutted to a table where white dots skittered about.
“You need a cadet—a cadet with experience and skill. The protocol is a full team for missions. I know how much you love rules and protocols, Hades.”
The way she said his call sign caused a chill to sweep over me. It was practically sensual.
“I told you Henderson was happy to lend Peterson or Monroe,” Tristian told her. “Abbott also personally volunteered to fill in for Williams until he returns. All are suitable options.”
“Your proposal of using a cadet from Five or Twelve in Williams’s place was rejected.
With the increased threat of injury, I need all of my Exploratory Units whole in case your unit fails.
Units Five and Twelve are on restock duty until then.
Your requests are declined.” Burdon flicked her dark braid over her shoulder.
“Lyssa,” Tristian bit out—a warning, curse, and damning all in one.
“It’s Force Commander Burdon; you made it clear the other day that that is my only role.
You made a lot of other claims. I listened.
I am exercising my authority as Force commander to appoint a new unit member for you.
Effective immediately. I cannot see how you can have any complaints.
The cadet is skilled, properly trained, scored well during Auction, and has a rather long history with your medic.
I know you insist on preserving histories and respecting human connections. ”
Jaxon chuckled.
Burdon placed a hand on Jaxon’s shoulder. “Let me introduce your new unit member and her partner.”
“Hey, partner,” Jaxon gloated. “Miss me?”