CHAPTER SEVENTEEN #2
“I am.” He turned the SUV in the direction of the fast-food restaurant he knew she liked. “You want chicken strips and fries?”
“Yes, please.”
He pulled into the drive-thru and gave their order to the crackly speaker. Once he was sure they had it right, he pulled forward and paid for it.
“Here you go,” the teen at the window said as she handed him a drink tray and then a bag.
“Thanks.”
Amelia took everything from him, then held it on her lap as he pulled out of the drive-thru lane. Rather than turn out onto the street, he guided the SUV into a parking spot under a lamppost.
“Is it okay if we just eat here?” Ben asked.
“Yes. That’s fine.”
“I just need to text Luca so he’s not blowing up my phone wondering where I am.”
“You could just drop me off at home with my food,” Amelia said. “If you need to go back to the estate.”
“Not a chance,” Ben told her as he tapped send on the text message he’d composed for Luca. “I just need to let him know about my change in plans.”
“Are you armed?” she asked as she moved the drinks from the tray to the drink holders in the car.
“Nope, but I’m sure it’s fine.”
Amelia handed him one of the orders of fries and the burger he’d ordered.
Ben lowered the windows, then turned off the SUV.
“Do you remember when we used to do this?” Ben asked after he’d taken his first bite of the burger.
Amelia took a bite of a fry, then nodded. “I do.”
“Do you still eat your fries first?” he asked.
“Of course.” She sounded indignant. “I like cold chicken strips more than I like cold fries.”
Ben chuckled, enjoying the moment, just the two of them. They hadn’t eaten junk food often back in the day, but when they had, it was usually after a long week of training for Amelia. It had been an indulgence for her. One he’d happily paid for.
His dad had finally given him a car for his seventeenth birthday, and he’d loved to drive Amelia around. Of course, back then, he’d always had a tail. He was glad that Luca wasn’t pushing back when Ben insisted on taking Amelia home alone.
Amelia shifted, putting her back to the door and facing him more directly. It was the same position she used to sit in when they’d done this as teens.
She held the fry container in her hand, plucking out one fry at a time and eating it. Ben’s heart pulsed with an ache of remembrance.
He’d missed these quiet moments with her. She’d always been so easy to be with. For all her intensity about skating, she’d been very laid back when it was just the two of them together.
She’d never had any expectations of him other than just being with her. She hadn’t pushed to go on fancy dates or for lavish presents. She’d seemed to be happy to just spend time with him.
When they’d been together, they’d talked about everything. And sometimes, nothing. There had been no pressure. Only the joy of being with each other.
It was why he’d struggled to understand at first why she thought he’d be a distraction. Things had felt so easy between them. It hadn’t felt like pressure.
Had she felt differently?
Well, of course she’d felt differently because she’d ended their relationship.
But when they were together now, was she remembering those quiet moments they’d shared all those years ago like he was?
“What’s your favorite thing to do these days?” Ben asked, needing to chase away the memories.
“Lie in bed.”
Ben looked over at Amelia, waiting for her to laugh. “That’s all?”
“Sometimes I like to read or watch videos on my phone.”
“What type of videos?”
Amelia shifted in her seat and stared down at her fries. “Most of the time I watch lifestyle videos. Homemaking. Cooking. Baking. Home decorating.”
“Is that stuff you enjoy doing?”
“Not right now,” she said, her voice soft. “I’m lucky if I can keep my apartment clean and my laundry done. If I start a project, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to finish it.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “That you’re not able to do things you enjoy.”
“About the only thing I can do that I really enjoy these days is eat.” She lifted the fries, then gestured to herself. “But I’m sure you can see that for yourself.”
Ben could hear the derision in her voice. The disgust for herself. And he hated it.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Ben said. “Nothing at all.”
She gave a harsh, humorless laugh. “Everything is wrong with me. Everything. I have a body that can’t do what I need it to. That can’t do anything. I hate it. All I can do is sit around and eat.”
The fry container crumpled in her hands as she turned to stare out the front window.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’m always upset. I just usually hide it better.” She didn’t turn to look at him. “I just wanted you to know how messed up I am now. I think you think I’m the same person I was ten years ago, but I’m not. She is buried beneath pain, loss, and fat.”
“You’re not fat,” Ben said.
“Compared to where I was even two years ago, I am,” she said. “I’m not comparing myself to anyone else. I’m comparing myself to me. To the me I was not that long ago. I’m a stranger in my body now. A stranger in my life.”
Ben reached out and took the fry container from her and set it in the console. Holding both her hands in his, he waited until she looked at him.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Lia. No one should ever feel like that. But I want you to know that when I look at you, I still see the Amelia I once knew and hung out with.”
“No, you don’t,” Amelia said, pulling her hands away from him and tucking them under her arms. “You didn’t even recognize me the first time you saw me at the church.”
This time, her voice held a wealth of hurt, and he knew that he had caused it.
“I’m sorry about that,” Ben said, knowing that his words were woefully inadequate. “I have no excuse.”
“You don’t need an excuse when there’s a perfectly valid reason,” she said. “I don’t look the same.”
“You do look a bit different, but you’re still you,” Ben said. “And the differences don’t make you look bad. You’re still as beautiful as ever.”
He wanted her to know that, but somehow he doubted he would be the one to convince her of that. He’d already stuck his foot in it by not recognizing her the first time he’d seen her.
Amelia shifted in the seat, facing fully forward again. Reaching around to grab the seatbelt, she said, “I’d like to go home.”
“Amelia, please… Just finish eating first.”
“I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll eat it later.”
“Your fries will be cold.”
She didn’t answer, just turned her head to stare out the side window. Ben didn’t want to leave their interaction like that, but he also didn’t want to hold her captive in his car.
“Okay. I’ll take you home.”
He re-wrapped his burger, then set it in the console alongside her fries. Starting the car, he put it in reverse, then backed out of the parking spot.
It didn’t take long to get to her apartment building, and when he put the car in park, she immediately opened the door. Ben hurried to gather up her food and lifted her drink from the console, then followed her.
“Amelia,” he said as he reached the front door of the building. “You forgot your food.”
“You can have it.”
“Please. Just take it.”
Her shoulders slumped, and her head bent as she turned. She took the bag and the drink from him without looking up.
Reaching out, Ben gently touched her cheek, then slid his fingers beneath her chin. “Look at me.”
It took a while, but she eventually looked up at him, giving Ben a glimpse of the shine of tears in her eyes.
“Ah, Lia,” he said. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I really am. I just don’t want you to think you’re anything less than perfectly you, despite the changes you’ve gone through.”
“I don’t feel like me, though,” she said, her voice tight with emotion. “That’s all I want. To feel like myself again.”
“Well, I’m praying that the results of the tests will help make that happen,” he told her. “But in the meantime, don’t give up hope, and don’t think for a minute that who you are now is less important than who you were ten years ago.”
She gave a single nod, then stepped back.
“Let me open the door for you,” he said.
He wasn’t sure she would agree, but then she let him take the keys that were hanging from her fingers. After he opened the door, he held it for her, then continued up the stairs with her to her apartment.
“I hope you’re able to get some good rest tonight,” he said as they stood in front of her open door. “Do you think you’ll be at church tomorrow?”
“I don’t know. It will all depend on how I feel in the morning. I make no promises.”
“I understand.” He gazed at her for a long moment. “Take care of yourself.”
She nodded. “You too.”
He watched her turn and disappear into her apartment, the door slowly closing behind her. He waited until he heard it lock, then headed down the hallway to the stairs.
His thoughts were a mess as he drove home, but they kept circling back around to how he wanted to help her. To be with her. But he couldn’t do anything unless she let him. And after what she’d revealed earlier about their first meeting, he wasn’t sure she would.