CHAPTER EIGHTEEN #2
“Amelia, you don’t owe me an apology.” He covered her hand more fully with his.
“I just wish I could go back and do things a little differently. You’re right, I didn’t recognize you, but it’s not because you look worse than you did ten years ago.
In fact, I didn’t really get a good look at your face.
It seemed like you were keeping me from fully seeing you. ”
She looked up at him then. “Yes. I was.”
“Don’t hide yourself from me, Amelia. Don’t ever feel like you have to do that.”
Amelia's stomach fluttered at the intensity of his gaze. His hand felt warm over hers, and for a moment, she couldn't look away from him.
"I don't know how not to," she admitted softly. "It's become second nature to protect myself."
"From me?"
The question hung between them, weighted with years of history and unresolved feelings. Amelia withdrew her hand and picked up her plastic fork.
"From everyone," she finally said. "When you're used to being seen as exceptional, it's… difficult when you become ordinary. Or worse, when you become a burden."
Those last words came out in a whisper, and she stabbed at a piece of chicken to distract herself from the vulnerability of the confession.
Ben was quiet for a long moment, and Amelia couldn't bring herself to look up at him. She focused on cutting the chicken into smaller pieces, the plastic knife scraping against the container.
"You're not a burden," he finally said, his voice low and firm. "Not to me. Not to your family."
Amelia swallowed hard, still not looking up. "You don't know what it's like. One day you're special. Exceptional even. The next, you're… invisible."
"I see you," Ben said, his voice low and earnest. "I've always seen you."
Amelia's throat tightened. She swallowed hard, willing herself not to cry again. She'd shed enough tears in front of Ben already.
She dabbed at her eyes with the napkin, hating how easily the tears came these days. "I'm sorry. I'm such a mess."
Ben set down his fork and leaned forward. "Amelia, everything you're feeling is valid. I can't imagine what you've been through."
She nodded, taking a bite of the chicken to give herself something to do. The food was good—warm and comforting—but her appetite had diminished with the weight of their conversation.
"Can we talk about something else?" she asked, desperate to shift away from her vulnerabilities. It felt like she was a raw nerve, exposed and sensitive to the slightest touch.
"Of course," Ben said, reaching for his can of flavored water and cracking it open. "What would you like to talk about?"
Amelia took a moment to gather herself, grateful for his willingness to change the subject. "How are things at the estate? Are your parents doing okay?"
Ben took a sip of his drink before answering.
"They're doing well. Dad's been spending a lot of time with Julian discussing some new division he wants to start up in the company.
Mom is just happy to have everyone close at hand.
She's been trying to organize a family portrait while everyone's still here. "
"A family portrait?" Amelia took another bite of food. "That sounds nice."
"Yeah. Though I imagine it will be a bit of a challenge to get all the kids smiling at the same time. But I guess that’s the joy of family portraits.
Not perfection. Just happiness.” He lifted his fork with a piece of chicken speared on it.
“Speaking of family, how are your parents doing? Still at the same house?"
"Yes," Amelia nodded, grateful for the neutral topic. She didn’t think the former subject was permanently off the table. But for the moment, he had done what she’d asked.
“It’s too big for just the two of them now, but Mom and Dad aren’t keen to sell and move.
There are a lot of memories in the house, plus I think they’re hoping the three youngest will return home someday. ”
“And move back in with Mom and Dad?”
Amelia chuckled. “Something like that.”
“My mom and dad feel the same way. And if Dad can’t have us under the same roof as him, he just offers to build a house on the estate for us.”
“Has he done that for you?”
“Oh yes. He’s even offered to have his architect draw up a house plan for me. Just in case.”
Amelia wondered what it would take to bring him back to Serenity permanently, but she didn’t ask. It felt like that question would move them back into awkward territory, and she didn’t want that.
Between their words, the neighborhood pulsed with its Sunday rhythms. Children's laughter floated from somewhere down the street, punctuated by occasional dog barks. A lawn mower droned softly in the distance, its steady hum a reminder of ordinary life continuing all around them.
“Were your family planning to go out on the boat this afternoon?” she asked.
“That was the plan.”
“You didn’t want to go with them?”
“I wanted to see you,” he said. “I wanted to make sure you were okay after last night.”
“You could have called.”
“I did call,” he said. “You didn’t answer.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. You opened the door. I’ll take that over a phone call any day.”
"I would have answered the phone," Amelia said softly. "I just didn't get to it in time."
Ben smiled at that, and the warmth of it reached his eyes. "I'm glad to hear that. But I’m still glad I came."
They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes. Amelia found herself relaxing as she ate, the tension from the previous night's conversation slowly unwinding.
"How are you feeling today?" Ben asked. "On the scale."
Amelia considered for a moment, taking stock of her body. "Eight. Seven.”
“So high. I would never have guessed. Your pain tolerance must be really high.”
“I suppose it is. I think skating also made me develop a high pain threshold.”
“Yeah, I remember watching you skate, and I could never believe how you’d just pop right back up when you fell,” he said. “When I’d fall, I’d be sprawled on my back in agony.”
“I remember,” Amelia said. “Though I didn’t really think you were in so much agony. I always kind of felt like you wanted some sympathetic attention.”
Ben grinned, then gave her a wink. “Perhaps.”
“Good thing I didn’t mind giving you that attention, regardless.”
“I’ve always appreciated how caring you are.”
Amelia sighed. “To be honest, I feel like I haven’t been as caring as I could have been. I’ve been so focused on myself, you know.”
“That’s understandable,” Ben said. “And maybe it’s just a season when you need to be focused on yourself. But also, there are many of us who would like to care for you. I know I’m not the only one who feels that way.”
“You’ve always taken care of me,” Amelia murmured as she set her plastic knife and fork inside her food container and closed it. “I hate that it always seems to be that way, instead of the other way around.”
“Lucky for you, taking care of you is something I enjoy doing. Always have. Always will.”
Amelia stared at him, wondering if there was a possibility that he meant something more than just for the moment. She shifted on her seat, not sure how to respond.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” Ben asked, seemingly oblivious that his words had just shaken her to the core.
“A walk?”
“Do you think you have the energy to go for a short walk?”
Amelia looked out over the neighborhood, drawn to the suggestion even though she knew it might not be the best idea.
“We’ll go slow,” Ben said. “And we won’t go far because Luca would kill me.”
“Luca? He’s here?”
“Yep.” Ben pointed over the top of the railing. “He’s in the black SUV down there.”
“He’s just sitting in the car?”
“Yes. He’s got the sunroof open, so he’s getting plenty of fresh air. And he had food as well.”
“He could have come up here.”
“He said he was fine, and as long as he can see us as we walk, he won’t get out of the SUV.”
“Okay,” Amelia said, hoping that it would indeed be a slow and short walk.
They carried the remnants of their meal into the kitchen, then Amelia went to her room to get her shoes. When she returned, Ben was on his phone.
“Just letting Luca know the plan.”
Together they left her apartment and walked down the hallway to the stairs. Amelia gripped the railing as she walked, happy that she wasn’t feeling too bad, though her legs definitely didn’t feel the strongest they’d ever been.
Once they left the building, Ben pointed to the right. “Let’s head that way. We can go to the end of the block, then cross over and come back. Does that work for you?”
When Amelia nodded, Ben held his arm out to her. After a brief hesitation, she wrapped her fingers around his elbow.
In the year she’d lived there, she hadn’t spent much time walking around the neighborhood, so she looked curiously at the houses they passed.
“This is a nice little neighborhood,” Ben said. “The houses aren’t big, but they’re so well kept. Look at the garden on this one.”
They paused in front of a small white house with dark blue trim. It had a white picket fence around the front of the yard, and beyond it was a neatly manicured lawn and flower beds filled with colorful blooms. The front porch had a swing and more flower boxes along the railing.
A medium-sized black dog lay on the porch, but he’d lifted his head when they’d stopped. He watched them for a moment, then his tail thumped a couple of times before he laid his head back down.
“It’s beautiful.” Amelia felt a longing in her heart. “It’s clear whoever lives here loves to take care of their home.”
They began to walk again, and Amelia tried to sort through the emotions that the house had roused in her.
She’d always dreamed of having a home of her own someday. One in which she could create a cozy, calm environment. A refuge from the craziness of the life she’d led.
Since getting sick, she hadn’t spent as much time dreaming about that future. Her present had demanded so much of her attention.
Ben kept a running commentary on the houses they passed, and soon they reached the end of the block. After waiting for a car to pass, they crossed to the other side.
This side had a couple of houses with kids playing out in the front yard. There was even one with an elderly couple sitting in rockers on their front porch. They called out a greeting as they approached, and Ben, being the friendly person he was, stopped to have a brief chat.
He complimented them on their yard, and the pair got up. The man stepped off the porch first, then turned to offer his hand to his wife, and together they walked over to where Ben and Amelia stood.
They pointed out a few things they were clearly proud of in the yard, answering a couple of questions Ben had about the flowers they’d chosen.
It was such a simple exchange, but it was a stark reminder to Amelia of how much her world had narrowed down to just herself and her issues.
Her only real connections outside of her family were Tracy and Miss Gertie.
Even at work, her interactions weren’t that plentiful, and the ones she did have were usually pretty brief.
As they continued their walk, Amelia’s energy began to dip, and her steps slowed.
“Let’s cross here,” Ben said, clearly having realized she was near the end of her energy reserves.
Once inside her apartment building, Amelia stared at the stairs, dreading the effort it was going to take to get up them. Stupidly, she hadn’t considered that the end of the walk would be the hardest part.
“Let me give you a ride,” Ben said.
“A ride?”
“Remember? I used to give you piggyback rides all the time.”
Amelia shook her head. “I’m too heavy.”
“You’re not,” Ben insisted. “C’mon.”
He turned his back to her, then lowered himself to one knee. Amelia hesitated, then stepped closer. Resting a hand on his shoulder, she leaned forward, then wrapped her arms around his neck.
Ben reached back and hooked his arms under her knees, then stood in one fluid movement. With steady steps, he climbed the stairs to the second floor, then walked down the hallway to her apartment. When they reached the door, he lowered himself enough so her feet touched the ground.
Once again steadying herself with a hand on his shoulder, she moved off his back and stood up.
“See,” Ben said as he straightened and turned to face her with a grin. “No problem.”
“Thank you,” she said. “I appreciate it more than you know.”
“Hey, I’m always here to carry you if you need it,” he said, spreading his arms wide. “Just say the word.”
Tears stung her eyes, but she was also scared. She didn’t want him to feel like he constantly had to take care of her. To carry her. He deserved someone—as a friend and more—who didn’t need him like she did.
Turning, she unlocked her apartment and went inside, the last of her energy draining away.
“I’m going to go,” Ben said, standing in the open doorway. “I can see you need to rest. I want you to take care of yourself.”
“I will,” she said. It was an easy thing to agree to because her body wouldn’t give her any choice. “Thanks again for lunch and the walk.”
“Thanks for letting me hang out with you,” Ben said. “I’ll talk to you later.”
Amelia nodded, then held the door after he stepped back into the hallway. She leaned against the door jamb, watching him walk away from her through a blur of tears.