CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE #2
Ben stared at his phone, waiting to see if Amelia would take him up on his offer. Something told him that she wouldn’t.
Amelia: I have freezer meals that Layla and I make, so I’m just going to eat one of those. Thank you though.
Disappointment filled Ben, but he wasn’t going to force her to accept his offer of some takeout.
He’d thought things would be different after that evening on the boat and the kiss they’d shared under the fireworks. But if anything, it felt like she was distancing herself from him.
“Let’s go home,” Ben said. “Amelia turned down my offer of takeout.”
“If she’s not feeling well, she probably isn’t up for company.”
Ben didn’t like being classified as company since he felt like something more.
He didn’t want her to have to feel up to spending time with him.
He wished she understood that he didn’t want to be with her only when things were going well.
He wanted to be there with her for all of it. The good and the bad.
Thoughts of Amelia stayed with him over the next few hours as he showered and prepared for dinner with his parents. Afterward, he left the house to take a walk around the property.
The sun had sunk toward the horizon, casting the estate in shadows. As he neared Julian and Kiara’s house, he could see warm light spilling from the windows on the lower level.
Without a thought as to why, he approached the house and climbed the stairs. He rapped on the front door, then shoved his hands into his pockets as he waited for someone to answer it.
“Ben?” Julian said when he opened the door. “What brings you by?”
“Can I talk to you for a few minutes?”
“Sure.” Julian stepped back and motioned for him to come into the house.
As he stepped inside, Ben noticed that Kiara was sitting on the couch, a book open in her lap. She smiled at him.
“Hey, Ben,” she said. “How’s it going?”
“It’s going,” he replied. “Sorry to interrupt your evening.”
“It’s not a problem at all.”
“Have a seat,” Julian said, motioning to the cluster of chairs in front of the fireplace.
“Should I leave the two of you alone?” Kiara asked, closing the book, which Ben realized was a Bible.
“No. I don’t mind if you stay,” Ben said.
“So, to what do we owe the pleasure of your company?” Julian asked as he sat down next to Kiara.
Kiara shifted and lifted her feet onto his lap. Ben watched in bemusement as Julian began to massage them.
“Ben?” Julian prompted.
“Right. I’m just wondering if Amelia’s test results have come back yet.”
“I don’t know,” Julian said. “There are confidentiality rules when it comes to medical information. I told the doctor that the only person he needed to give information to was Amelia. So I have no idea if she’s received the results or not.”
Ben frowned. “Really? You can’t even ask if the results have come back?”
“I probably could, but I’m not going to.”
“Why?”
Julian tilted his head, a hunk of his hair sliding across his forehead. “I understand that you feel… something for Amelia, and that pushes you to want to know everything that’s going on with her.”
Ben didn’t bother to deny it because it was the truth.
“You need to let her tell you, Ben,” Julian said. “Depending on what the tests reveal, she might need some time to process the information. Or maybe she just doesn’t want others to know. Regardless, what she does or doesn’t share is her choice.”
Ben slumped back in his chair, his chin pressed to his chest. He knew that Julian was right, but it did nothing to kill his desire to know.
Shifting, he leaned forward and braced his elbows on his thighs. He laced his fingers together and stared down at them.
“I’m kind of a mess where she’s concerned,” Ben admitted. “I feel like I’m getting mixed messages from her. Or maybe I’m just misreading things.”
“Like what?” Julian said.
“I took her out on my boat last Friday, and we had a wonderful evening.” He paused, the memory returning in glorious detail. “We kissed. I thought it meant that she felt like I did, but then the last few days—especially today—I feel like she’s pulling away.”
“She’s got a lot going on, Ben,” Julian said. “Maybe a relationship right now is just too much.”
"I get it," Ben said with a sigh. "But it's frustrating. I care about her, and I just want to know what's going on so I can help her."
"I understand," Julian replied, his fingers moving to massage Kiara's ankles. "But caring about someone also means respecting their boundaries and timing."
"When did you get so wise?" Ben asked with a half-smile.
Julian glanced at Kiara, and something passed between them that Ben couldn't quite interpret. "I had a good teacher."
Kiara smiled softly at Julian before turning her attention to Ben.
"Have you tried talking to her directly?" Kiara asked. "About why she seems to be pulling away?"
Ben shook his head. "I thought about it, but I don't want to push her. Like Julian said, she's got enough to deal with."
"She might be thinking she's doing you a favor by pulling back," Kiara said gently.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Kiara exchanged another look with Julian before continuing. "From what you've said about her, Amelia seems like someone who doesn't want to be a burden. Maybe she thinks her health issues would be too much for you to handle in a relationship."
That thought hadn't occurred to Ben. Could Amelia be trying to protect him somehow? The idea made his chest tighten.
He ran a hand through his hair, considering Kiara's words. That sounded exactly like something Amelia would think. He already knew that she hadn’t even told her family about the tests because she didn’t want them to get their hopes up.
So it was possible that she thought she was protecting him by distancing herself from him.
"You might be right," he admitted. "She did say something about me deserving someone who could do things at a moment's notice."
"That's probably what's going on," Julian said. "She's trying to protect you from what she sees as a burden."
Ben stood up suddenly, unable to stay seated with the rush of emotions flooding through him. He paced across the room, his footsteps muffled by the plush area rug.
"But that's not her decision to make," he said, frustration evident in his voice. "I know what I can handle. I know what I want."
Kiara's voice was gentle. "Sometimes when people are struggling, they make decisions they think are best for others, even if they don't have all the information."
"She needs to let me make my own choices," Ben said, stopping his pacing to look at them both. "I know exactly what I'm getting into."
“Do you?” Julian raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
The question stopped Ben short. Did he truly understand what being with someone with chronic health issues would mean? The day-to-day reality of canceled plans, of watching someone you love struggle with pain, of the emotional toll it could take?
"I know enough," Ben said after a moment. "I know that I love her.”
The words had slipped out before he could stop them, hanging in the air. Julian and Kiara exchanged another glance, but this time Ben could read their expressions clearly. They weren't surprised.
"Have you told her that?" Julian asked quietly.
Ben sank back into his chair. "No. I hadn't even admitted it to myself until just now."
It was true. He'd been dancing around his feelings, acknowledging his attraction and care for Amelia, but not the depth of what he truly felt. The realization settled over him like a weight and a liberation all at once.
"I love her," Ben repeated, the truth of it settling more firmly in his chest with each passing second. "I think I've known for a while now, but I was afraid to admit it."
"Why afraid?" Kiara asked, shifting her legs off Julian's lap to sit up straighter.
Ben rubbed the back of his neck, trying to organize his thoughts.
"Because loving her means risking losing her again. And this time would be worse because I'm not a teenager anymore. This is…" He gestured vaguely, searching for the right words. "This love is real in a way it wasn’t back when we were teens. I know more now about relationships, and I understand that they’re not all sunshine and roses. I’m not blind to the struggles Amelia has, and they will, to some degree, become my struggles if we’re in a relationship. ”
Julian smiled at him. “You’ve grown up.”
“I didn’t really have much choice,” Ben said. “Dad made sure I did.”
“Pray about it,” Kiara encouraged. “Ask God for guidance and to prepare both your and Amelia’s hearts.”
“We’ll be praying for you both,” Julian added. “And if you need to talk to someone about it, Kiara and I are always here for you.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that.”
As Ben left Julian and Kiara’s, he had mixed feelings. He was still worried about Amelia, but he had a new perspective on what she might be thinking and how he might be able to approach her.
His heart felt lighter, though, having given words to his feelings. Love. Yes, he loved her in a way that was deeper and stronger than the love that teenage Benji had held in his heart for Amelia.
The determination and independence he’d admired about her as a teen, and even now, were things that were working against him.
She seemed determined to deal with her health by herself. And he wasn’t the only person she was keeping at arm’s length.
He didn’t know why she didn’t want the people who loved and cared for her the most to know the depths of her pain and suffering. Something was making her close off herself, and he desperately wanted to know what it was.