Chapter 34 #2
And he was crazy about her outside the bedroom, too. Her brashness and smarts, her compassion and bravery and openness. She made him smile and laugh like no one else.
How was he ever going to get Aurora out of his system? If that were even possible.
“But that’s the problem. How do I know that she won’t come to her senses and hate me for what we did?” I couldn’t take that.
“You really care about her. No wonder you’ve got yourself all tied up in knots.
” Chase crossed his legs, squinting up at the bright blue sky.
“Have you asked her opinion on all this? Cause it sounds to me like you two really connected. I have no doubt you would’ve kept things strictly professional if you didn’t feel something really intense for this woman.
And if you weren’t positive that she felt the same. ”
Devon rubbed his eyes. His nerves had been on a roller coaster lately, and he was afraid to hope. “I could give it a few days, then see if she’ll talk to me. Maybe I’m wrong, and I’m overthinking this.”
Please let me be wrong.
“You might not be thinking all that straight yourself. You’re recovering from a gunshot wound.”
Devon shrugged off the concern. His problem wasn’t physical. “Maybe. But none of this changes the fact that I’m out of a job. Bills are coming no matter what happens with Aurora, and I need to be focused on what I’m going to do next.”
“You lost your job? Devon, what are you talking about?”
He cringed, turning to see his mother in the doorway. Chase had left it cracked open. Dammit. His mom had overheard. And Ruby was right behind her, peering past their mom’s shoulder.
Just great.
Mom and Ruby came out onto the patio. They were waiting for an explanation. There was no reason to keep delaying. He might as well get it over with.
“I am no longer employed by Bennett Security. I decided to quit.”
Ruby’s mouth opened in shock. But his mother sighed, relief all over her face. “Well, I don’t blame you. Your boss shouldn’t have put you into that dangerous situation to begin with, after he promised that you wouldn’t have to deal with anything like that. Devon, you did exactly the right thing.”
He exhaled. His mom’s approval only made him more upset because of all she didn’t know. But he would just let her go ahead and believe what she wanted. Better that than tell her what he’d really been up to.
His sister, though, didn’t seem nearly so pleased. “Why would you quit your job? For us? Are you serious right now? You said you liked being on bodyguard duty.”
His mom’s eyes narrowed in confusion.
“I guess I did, but Mom’s right. It was too dangerous, and I need to be thinking of you guys. This is a lot more sudden than I would’ve wanted, but I’m going to get it sorted out. Don’t worry about that.”
Ruby paced across the grass, throwing her head back and roaring in pure exasperation. “When are you going to stop being a martyr and start worrying about yourself? It’s getting really freaking annoying.”
“Don’t talk that way, Ruby,” their mother said tightly. “You owe your brother a lot more than that.”
“Of course, I do! We both do! Devon has been giving up everything for us, but when will it end? He’s been miserable, don’t you see that?”
His mom looked to him. “That isn’t true, is it?”
Devon stood up, walking a few feet away. “I can’t deal with talking about this right now. The job at Bennett Security is over. It’s done. Okay? Let’s just move on.”
“Move on?” His sister laughed bitterly. “Like anybody in this family has ever moved on from anything. We pretend to be okay, but meanwhile, we’re completely stuck in place. You expect us to watch you work yourself into the ground and pretend that we’re grateful for it?”
Their mom tried to interrupt, but Ruby kept talking over her.
“No, Mom. You know what? I’m not grateful to Devon for making himself miserable because it’s supposedly what I need.
What I need is a brother who is living the life that he wants.
Haley needs an uncle who isn’t afraid to pursue his dreams. Devon, what kind of example are you going to be setting? ”
Devon was stunned into silence. Ruby had said some of these things before, but she hadn’t revealed until now how angry she was. How disappointed she was in him.
Was he really setting a bad example? By giving up so much to care for his family, was he ending up hurting them, anyway?
There was just no way to win, nothing he could do that would satisfy everyone in his life, apparently. All this work had been for nothing, and he was just tired. So fucking tired of all of it.
Chase was biting his lip, looking down at the grass. Clearly, he wasn’t enjoying being a part of this awkward family moment.
“Ruby, you should go inside and calm down,” Mom said. “Come back out for lunch when you can be civil to your brother.”
Ruby threw up her hands. “I’ll come back when the two of you are finally ready to let go of losing Kellen and Dad. Because that is the real problem.”
She stomped back inside.
“I’m sorry about that, Mom. I’ll talk to her later. When we’ve both cooled down.”
But his mom wasn’t responding. Instead, she was staring off into the distance, eyes glassy.
Chase got up. “I’ll check on Ruby. Or lunch. Or…something.” He went inside, sliding the glass door fully closed.
Then his mom spoke. “Have you been unhappy? Tell me the truth.” She was so quiet Devon could barely hear her.
The truth. Devon respected and valued the truth. But his sister was exactly right. He’d been lying to himself. Lying to his family.
“I’ve been unhappy. I’m proud that I can take care of you guys. I wanted that to be enough. But the desk job isn’t what I would choose.”
“Do you regret leaving the army?”
He really didn’t know how to answer that question.
“I wouldn’t have left if you hadn’t asked.
But I don’t necessarily think it was the right place for me, either.
I would’ve missed out on seeing Haley grow.
And meeting other people.” Like Chase. And Aurora.
“I’m really glad to be back here with you. ”
“Do you think Ruby is right? That I’m robbing you of the chance to pursue your dreams because I can’t get over losing your dad and Kellen?” She was close to crying. Devon could see the tears hovering on her eyelashes.
He went over and pulled her into his arms. “None of us are over it. But maybe we’ve made mistakes. Maybe we could’ve done better. I could’ve been honest with you and told you what I was feeling. Instead of just pushing my emotions down and ignoring them.”
She sobbed. “I’ve been so scared of losing you. But my fear has made you lose yourself. I hate to think that you would give up your own dreams because of me. What kind of mother am I?”
“Mom, please.” He hugged her tighter.
“What do you really want for yourself, Devon?”
He wanted a lot of things. For the first time in a while, Devon was actually letting himself feel those desires. But wanting things didn’t mean he could have them.
“I don’t know, Mom. Really. I feel so mixed up right now.”
“Well, please promise me that you won’t give up on something you want because of me.
” She pulled back slightly, brushing the tears away from her eyes.
Her breath skipped. “I’m scared. I’m so scared every day that our family will get torn apart.
But I guess that’s already happened. The very worst… has happened to us.”
“It did.”
She swallowed hard, trying valiantly not to dissolve into tears again. Devon recognized the effort, knew how it felt.
“And we’re still here, aren’t we?” his mom asked.
“Yeah. We are.”
He could see her standing taller. Forming some new resolve. He hadn’t just gotten his strength and bravery from his dad. His mom was strong, too, in her own way. He had nearly forgotten that.
She put a hand on each of his cheeks, framing his face.
“Things are going to be different. I know I have a long way to go to stop being afraid. Maybe I will never get there completely. But I can’t allow you to make yourself unhappy.
You have to be honest with me from now on.
You deserve that. We both do. And I think…
” Her voice broke. She swallowed again, and when she spoke again, she sounded adamant.
“I know that your dad and Kellen would want that, too.”
He nodded. And a little of the ache in his chest went away.