Chapter 16 #2
He wanted to talk to her about why he had not talked to her for five years.
Why he had turned away from her. She seemed to put it aside, although there was still some kind of barrier between them.
And she had enough on her plate. So, he just sat and allowed her to talk about stuff that he figured would work itself out anyway.
“All right. We probably should make a schedule. I assume you have work to do and you need to be gone for most of the day?”
“What about your horses?” Suddenly he realized that she hadn’t left the hospital once to drive back to Raspberry Ridge to take care of them at all. “Do you have someone taking care of them indefinitely?”
She opened her mouth and took a breath as though she were going to speak, and then she closed it. And then she looked at the notebook as she said, “Yes. They’re taken care of.”
That was a weird response. He narrowed his eyes at that.
“You didn’t tell me about your business. How much time do you need during the day? Twelve hours?”
“So you would just watch the kids for twelve hours during the day, and then we split the night shift?”
He wasn’t sure what she was going to do, and he realized he was avoiding her question.
For some reason, he didn’t want her to know that he had sold his business.
He didn’t want her to see the sacrifice.
To understand that he had given up everything that was important to him for these babies.
Maybe part of that reason was because he hadn’t been willing to give it up for her five years ago.
Or even before that. He wanted to be successful when he finally came and asked her to marry him.
And yet… Wasn’t giving it up now partly because he would be with her?
He didn’t recall thinking about that when he had decided to sell, but maybe that was in the back of his mind.
The idea that he would be with Becky. And he had made enough money for now.
He had pushed aside the people who were in his life, and most important to him, in order to focus on something that he realized now wasn’t necessary.
He had more than enough money with which to live comfortably, why hadn’t he been happy? Content?
But she was going to find out sooner or later, and he didn’t want her to think he was hiding more things from her. He had enough bombshells to drop on her. Eventually.
“I sold my business. I had someone who I knew would buy if I mentioned I was selling, and I was right. I still have a few different things to hash out, but… I can be here full-time.”
Her mouth opened wide, and she blinked.
“What are you going to do to earn a living?” she asked, and her tone held shock and concern.
He smiled and laughed a little at her obvious concern for him.
“I sold my business,” he said again, and that time, he emphasized the word “sold.” “I have a lot of things I need to tell you, but you have a lot on your plate, and I didn’t want to add more to it.
But for right now, let me just say that when I sold my business, I got rid of about seventy percent of the work that I have to do, which includes all the work that I need to do in the office.
I can unload my office space, and I’m in the process of having my lawyer do just that.
But the bottom line is, I’m set for life.
I don’t have to worry about working, or money, again.
I’m not going to be extravagantly wealthy, but I’m talking I have tens of millions in the bank and in various investments. ”
There. It was far more than he needed to say. He could have just said, I’ve got money, don’t worry about it . But he wanted her to understand that it wasn’t a matter of having a limited amount of money. While the money that he had was finite, it was also far more than they needed.
“All right. Wow.” She looked back down at her notebook and stared at it, either processing what he said or unsure what to write about that. How does one put down, he has more money than we could ever need ?
“Now tell me about your horses,” he said, wanting to know how long the person who was watching them was going to be available. “How soon do you have to go and relieve the person who’s doing the work?” He squinted at her. “Do you have bookings that you need to be there for?”
“No. I sold them.”
He blinked, then straightened and pulled back, shock radiating through his body. “You sold your horses?”
“You sold your business,” she said, looking at him like it wasn’t any bigger deal than what he had done.
“But I didn’t want my business. I didn’t love it. And I just sold a piece of it. A piece that I was brokering that was set to make me a billionaire. I…” He paused and looked around. “I know we’re supposed to be talking about the babies and the schedule and the things we’re going to do, but…”
“And that’s what we need to talk about. I sold my horses, you sold your business, I imagine we probably both did it for the same reason.
I wanted to be able to do the best I could for my sister and her babies, and to do that, I needed a reliable vehicle, and I needed to be able to leave without being tied to the stable.
I also lived above the stable, and it wasn’t a fit place to bring the babies home to.
Selling the horses enabled me to buy a reliable vehicle and move down here permanently. Or as long as my sister needed me.”
She looked down. Obviously her sister didn’t need her at all anymore, other than for her to keep her word about the babies.
“Wow. I’m sorry, you can’t hit a guy with that and not give him a chance to breathe.”
After hearing what she had done, he knew it was time. He couldn’t keep from telling her any longer. He stood, walked over to the couch, and held his hand out. She looked at it.
“What?” she asked, giving him a puzzled look. And then her eyes went back to his hand.
“Take it.”
Her lips pressed together, but she put the pen down on the table beside her, put her hand in his, and rose, standing before him in front of the couch.
They stood face-to-face, close enough that he could feel her breath on his neck and feel the heat that radiated from her body. See the pupils of her eyes and the fine lines that were at the corners where they didn’t used to be.
“Five years ago, I lost everything. I had been trying to build a fortune, you knew that. Learning business, investing, and trying to…basically trying to become rich. But I wanted to learn to be a businessman. I wanted to be able to support you in the way that you deserved.”
“I didn’t want that,” she said.
“I know. You know how many times over the last five years I thought back to how the more I seemed to live for money, the more you tried to tell me that you didn’t want it and seemed to actually start to hate having money.”
She looked away. She knew he was right.
“Anyway. I made a couple of risky decisions, because I was getting impatient. They should have made me money, and fast, but I ended up losing everything. I had to declare bankruptcy, although I paid every penny that I owed back, with interest. Even to people who wouldn’t have made me pay them back. ”
“I wouldn’t have expected anything less from you,” she said, and there was a tremor in her voice.
“But I was ashamed to face you. I was ashamed for you to know that I wasn’t the big businessman that I was trying to be. That I had failed miserably, failed hard, failed spectacularly bad, and I just didn’t want you to look at me and see someone who was less than.”
“Rodney. I saw you at your worst.”
He knew she was talking about his high school years, when he’d stepped off the straight and narrow and become rebellious and dabbled in things he shouldn’t have, definitely walking away from the Lord for a while.
“I guess I didn’t see it that way. I wanted to build back better, for you to see that I was successful. I wanted to go to you, not as a pauper who had been stupid and lost everything but as a rich man who could offer you the world.”
“Yeah, that’s nice,” she said, sounding unimpressed.
“Everyone I talked to advised me against it. They told me to be honest with you. They told me that you would understand that I made mistakes, that I failed, but you wouldn’t understand why I shut you out. But I just didn’t listen. It was my pride.”
She pressed her lips together, probably remembering their conversation a few days ago, when he’d accused her of being prideful and that was why she didn’t cry in front of people. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe she just wanted privacy. But he knew it applied to him.
“So you didn’t hate me?” she asked, and it seemed to be a hard question for her.
“Of course not! I loved you. I love you more than life.” He couldn’t help himself.
His hands came up, and he gripped her upper arms, wanting her to look up to him.
“That’s why I didn’t. Because I loved you and I was ashamed.
I didn’t think that you could look at me and love me the way I was.
I felt like I needed to have money and be successful in order for you to see someone who was worthy of you, because that’s what I felt like you deserved.
A successful, rich, smart man, who deserved the amazing woman that you are. ”
She pursed her lips and seemed to be fighting herself.
“I want to believe you, but…my letters were returned unopened, you changed your number or blocked me or something. I couldn’t get a hold of you.
Even if I was hurt or dying, I couldn’t tell you.
” Her tortured eyes lifted to his. “I loved you. I loved you, and you abandoned me.”
“I know who you are. I knew it then. I knew you’d wait for me.” She looked away, and he remembered that there was someone else.
She didn’t say anything, even though he waited. Would she tell him?
In the heat of the moment, in his need to tell her, explain to her what he’d done, he’d forgotten. How could he have forgotten something like that?
Of course, after the week he had, it was amazing that he remembered his own name.
“Do you have someone else?” he asked. He didn’t want to ask. He wanted her to tell him, but he couldn’t stand the suspense. Maybe she did have someone, and she wasn’t interested in him. Maybe he had just wasted his time.
But no, he needed her to know. Even if they didn’t end up together. He needed to know.
“No. There isn’t anyone else. I was with a guy, but I think he saw me as his designated driver. He wasn’t you.”
That’s all she said, but it said everything to him. He knew that this was a hard time, but he couldn’t keep himself from smiling hugely.
“Nice,” he said softly, his words drawing her eyes to his face.
“You don’t need to smile at that.” She looked annoyed.
“Why not? I like it that you’re not with the guy anymore, because he’s not me. Isn’t that something for me to smile about?”
“Maybe I’m just not with the guy because no one else thinks I’m worth being with. Even you didn’t have a problem dumping me without a word.”
She yanked her shoulders away and walked around him, over to the kitchen.
So that was the problem. He’d hurt her, and what he’d done made her think she wasn’t good enough. That she wasn’t worth anything. He wasn’t sure how some other guy hadn’t snapped her up, but it wasn’t because she wasn’t worth it. She was certainly more than worth it. She was worth everything.
“I think you might be surprised at the men who would like to have you but are maybe a little bit afraid of you. I probably would be too if I hadn’t grown up with you.”
“So now I’m scary,” she said, going around the counter like she needed to have something between them. It was a small space, but maybe she felt more protected now that they were separated.
He walked over until he was over on the other side of the counter, and he leaned on it.
“Becky. I think you know you’re scary at times.
I also think you know I love that about you.
I love that you’re fierce, unafraid, that you fight with passion and integrity and stubbornness and all the determination in your huge heart, for the people you love.
Like your sister. You sold your horses for your sister.
” That was why she did it. She loved her sister, and she had a huge, fierce heart that wouldn’t allow her to do anything less.
Sure, she loved her horses, but she understood they were just things.
Becky wasn’t the one who got confused about that. That was him.