16. Roxie
Despite Priscilla and Gunner being in the annex, I could hear their argument and dreaded leaving the seclusion of my tiny room in the caravan. As I waited for the heated discussion to be over, my thoughts turned to Henry.
I met him just four days ago, yet I felt the intensity of our connection like we’d known each other forever. It was impossible to explain. I’d tried to answer Priscilla’s never-ending questions. Actually, they weren’t exactly questions; they were more like negative comments that I felt the need to defend. My sister seemed to think she was an expert on my life. But she wasn’t.
Yes, we’d grown up together, and yes, we were sisters who shared a lot of our lives together. But I had one big, dark secret that I’d sworn never to tell. Oh, I’d thought about spitting it back in her face many times. Priscilla had taken me to that brink more times than I could remember.
The argument in the annex seemed to have stopped, and not long after, I heard laughter. That would be Todd’s influence. He was all about getting the issue over with and moving on. Maybe it was time to get my dark past out in the open. After all, I was no longer that na?ve, scared teenager who’d made that life-altering promise.
When I couldn’t ignore my need for a pee a moment longer, I got up, dressed, and left the sanctuary of my tiny bedroom. Priscilla, Todd, and the kids were all in the annex, and by the scraps of food still on the table, it was obvious they hadn’t waited for me for breakfast.
“Lucky for some, getting to sleep in.” Priscilla already had her claws out.
“Morning. Sorry I missed breakfast. I was a bit sleepy.”
“I bet you were,” Todd wriggled his eyebrows, and the insinuation wasn’t lost on me.
“You were home pretty late.” Priscilla gave me that accusatory glare that I’d received so often from her.
“I know, sorry. But Henry and I went to dinner.” It was only half a lie. After our incredible sex, we’d showered together, which, of course, led to more sex. Then, Henry, being the true gentleman, had insisted on buying me dinner. So he’d ordered room service, and we’d sat on the balcony overlooking the ocean and talked for a few more hours. Henry had asked me to stay, but I decided to go back to the holiday park. It had been nearly midnight when the taxi returned me to the caravan.
“Lucky you,” Priscilla said, but her tone indicated she didn’t really mean it.
I rolled my eyes, and Todd gave me a look that implied he was apologizing for his wife. “Okay. . . well, I need the bathroom. Back in a sec.”
As I strolled up the street, I waved at all the happy families making the most of the divine Christmas weather. Hopefully, it won’t get too hot, though. The venue I’d chosen for today’s date wasn’t air-conditioned. I hadn’t told Priscilla that I was going out with Henry again, and I was certain she wouldn’t be happy about it. But I didn’t need her permission. I was going whether Priscilla approved or not.
I had no idea where this thing with Henry was going. But I didn’t care either.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt this happy. The good times with Nathan had been very rare. It was difficult to explain, but for some reason, Henry made me feel whole. Like all the jumbled pieces in my life, even all the rotten ones, had been working together to bring me to this particular point.
On my way back to the caravan, I declared that nothing my sister could say would ruin the wonderful feelings floating through my mind and body. Especially my body; Henry had made me realize just how incredible the human body was. Henry had an incredible figure for a sixty-year-old. Any man his age would aspire to have a physique like his. And his mind, too. He was witty, smart, and great at conversation. I couldn’t think of one aspect of Henry I didn’t like. And that was huge. Every single man I’d dated prior to Henry had shown at least one unsavory aspect.
I wondered if I’d elevated him to some kind of pedestal. Was I desperate? Was that why he seemed so perfect? Or was my time with him some kind of rebellious streak just to piss off Priscilla?
No. I decided none of them were true. Henry was special.
I stepped back into the annex, and both Todd and Priscilla turned to me. They looked poised to ask a question but hadn’t decided who would ask.
“What?” I asked.
Priscilla nudged Todd with her toe. “We, ummm, we were just wondering if you’d hang with us today.”
“Oh, all five of you? What were you planning?”
Todd squirmed in his chair. “Well, no. . . not all of us. Priscilla and I were thinking about going shopping for a bit.”
Todd hated shopping, so it was glaringly obvious that it was really Priscilla who was making the request. If they’d planned on spending the day together as a whole family, I probably would’ve said yes. But the way Priscilla did it, making her husband speak on her behalf and the fact that they were using me to babysit yet again made my choice easy.
“Sorry Todd, I have another date with Henry.” I grinned like an excited teenager, trying to portray giddy delight about the date, which wasn’t hard.
“Oh, that’s okay.” He actually seemed happy with my response. Priscilla, on the other hand, had her jaw clamped so hard it was a wonder she didn’t break a few teeth.
“Right, well, I’ll make myself some coffee, then.” I refused to let my sister ruin my fantastic mood. “Anyone want a top-up?”
They both declined, and I returned to the caravan. A hushed discussion from the annex sounded like they were fighting. Attempting to ignore it, I looked for something to eat. Every breakfast since the start of our holiday had included bacon and eggs, but today, I was looking for something a little lighter, like yogurt and fruit. The step near the door creaked, and I looked up from the fridge.
Priscilla stood in the doorway, and by her stance, it looked like my plan to ignore her was about to be obliterated.
Priscilla unfurled her clenched fists and took another step into the van. “When I asked you to come on this holiday with us, I thought you’d actually be with us.”
I stood up, shut the fridge door, and sighed. “Oh, you mean like the first three days I was here.”
“Exactly.” She waggled her head.
“We weren’t exactly together.”
Her perfect eyebrows drilled together. “Yes, we were.”
“No, we weren’t. I played with the kids while you lazed on the beach or slept all day.
She clicked her tongue and then huffed. “I thought you loved playing with them.”
“You know I do.” I snapped.
“What’s your problem, then?”
My jaw dropped. “My problem?”
“Yeah. Why won’t you stay with us?”
I tried to calm my rage. “Because Henry and I are going on a date.”
“A date? You’re dating now. Fuck Roxie, you only met him a few days ago.”
“So?”
“So, you don’t even know him.”
“Exactly, that’s what dates are for, to get to know each other.”
She huffed a huge sigh. “I don’t understand you.”
I blinked at her, waiting for her to continue.
“You could have any man, but no, you chose. . .” She paused. “He’s fucking sixty, Rox. You should be out enjoying life.”
“I am enjoying life.” I threw out my hands, exasperated by her questioning.
“Now, maybe.”
I glared at her. “What does that mean?”
“Before you know it, you’ll be getting ready for retirement. He’s too old, Rox.”
“Too old for what?”
“For you. Why don’t you see it? In ten years, he’ll be seventy. He could even be dead.”
“Oh wow, there’s a lovely thought.”
“I’m just being realistic. When will you realize the opportunities you’re missing? You wasted all your younger years, too, before you met Nathan. Even then, you didn’t do much. I’d have given anything to be free like you.”
I clenched my fists and held back the verbal eruption that had been coming for way too long. “Well, you chose to have children instead.”
“I chose to!” She spat. “God, if you only knew.” Priscilla clenched her jaw and snapped her eyes away like she’d said too much.
“What?” My gut twisted as I realized my sister had been hiding something, too. “If I only knew what, Priscilla?”
I saw the mental anguish on her face, and I had a dreadful feeling that Priscilla may have been through the same torment I had. “Here, sit down.” I guided Priscilla into my bedroom, shut the door, and sat her on the bed. It was only now that I noticed how quiet the rest of the caravan was. Todd must have taken the children away.
I put my hand on her arm. “Tell me what happened.”
As I looked into her tear-laden eyes, I knew that whatever Priscilla was about to say would be just as shocking as my own ordeal. “What?”
“I wanted an abortion.”
“What?”
“When I found out I was pregnant with Gunner, I was horrified. I didn’t want a baby. I was too young! I begged Mom to help me get rid of it, but she refused. You know what she did?”
I shook my head, hardly able to believe what I was hearing.
“She made Todd marry me. She told him he’d live a life of shame if he didn’t do the right thing by me.”
I blinked at her with my mind battling a thousand conflicting thoughts. “You didn’t want to marry Todd?”
“No! I was seventeen. I didn’t know what I wanted, but I didn’t want to be a wife or a mother.”
I stared at her. “So. . . so, you don’t love Todd?”
Her shoulders sagged. “I didn’t. Not for a very long time. Years, actually. I blamed him for our situation. I wanted to live, to be free like you were. But instead, I was a stay-at-home mom with a screaming baby.”
I held back the words stinging my tongue.
“But Todd was. . . Todd is amazing. I grew to love him. And that’s why there’s such a large age gap between Gunner and Piper. By the time I had her, we were so much in love it was crazy. By then, I was ready to be a family, and it was incredible.”
“So, it wasn’t all bad.”
“It was for years. I was depressed beyond sanity. I’d even thought about. . .” She didn’t finish her sentence, and my eyes bulged when my mind bounced to the absolute worst.
“You didn’t!”
“I was trapped in a relationship I didn’t want. With a child I didn’t love. I couldn’t tell a single soul my stupid thoughts. Everyone thought I was lucky to have Todd and such a beautiful baby. But on the inside, I was dying. I even climbed into a hot bath and had the razor blades ready.”
“Oh, sis.”
“But you know what stopped me?”
I shook my head.
“Nobody would understand. Nobody knew the hell I was going through.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Really? There I was, hating my husband and child, and you were trying desperately to fall pregnant. You wouldn’t have understood. Besides, on the odd night I did get off from Gunner, you still wouldn’t come to parties with me or go to nightclubs. God, I couldn’t even get you to go to the pub with me. I never understood you.” She glared at me.
“That’s because—.” I stopped myself. The words were like acid on the tip of my tongue.
“Because of what? Tell me.” Her dagger eyes were demanding.
A wave of resignation rolled through me. It was calming. Almost therapeutic. It was time to reveal the one secret that had been smothering me for decades. I unclenched my jaw. “You want to know why?”
“Of course.”
“Because, when I was sixteen, I screwed up. And I was forced to have an abortion.”
“What?” Priscilla’s jaw dropped.
I swallowed and folded my arms across my chest. “The first time I had sex.” I huffed. “I didn’t even know we were having sex. Remember how Mom never talked about it? Well, lucky me, first time, and bam, I fell pregnant.” The words began to choke in my throat, but I swallowed back the emotion. My sister needed to hear what our parents did. “Father Wilkins and Mother took me to a man, and he. . . he--”
My guts twisted with the rotten memories.
I squared my jaw and twisted to look into her eyes. “I didn’t get a choice. They just took me to this place in the city.” I swallowed. “And while I cried and vomited and screamed in pain, Mother and Father Wilkins held me down while a complete stranger shoved a rod inside me and --” a breath died on my throat.
Priscilla slapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh my god, Rox, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was forbidden to ever mention it. Mother called me a dirty, disgusting whore and said I’d drag the entire family into my cesspool if I told anyone, especially you.” I could still picture my mother’s glaring eyes.
Tears spilled over Priscilla’s cheeks. “Oh my god.”
“Mother said I’d ruin everyone’s life, including yours, if anyone ever found out.”
“I can’t believe this. She did the exact opposite to me.”
“Oh, it’s true. It wasn’t until I wanted children that I realized just how much they’d brutalized my body. They are the reason why I can’t fall pregnant.”
She swallowed loud enough for me to hear.
“What I did was wrong. I admit that. But what they did ruined my life forever.”
“Oh god, that’s so awful.”
“I bled for weeks. Cried for months. And Mom refused to talk about it. I was made to go to church and listen to Father Wilkins” speeches about honesty and purity and pretend that nothing happened.”
“Does the father of the child know?”
I was surprised by that question; I hadn’t thought of him in decades. Whenever I thought of the horror I’d been through, it was the people who forced me to abort my baby, not the boy who’d impregnated me in the first place that evoked my hatred. I sighed. “Yes. He was the one who told my mother I was pregnant.”
Her jaw dropped. “Who?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, and his face slammed into my memory like I’d seen him yesterday. His squared-out jaw, his dimpled chin. His breath smelled of cigarettes, and I could still recall his firm hands on my inner thighs as he edged my legs apart.
“Tell me, Rox.”
But what haunted me most about him was how he’d treated me after the abortion. He’d had a sick grin that twisted at the sides of his mouth and showed an abundance of teeth that seemed to be crammed into his jaw. He reserved that grin just for me. It was a grin that said he’d won, I’d lost, and there was nothing I could do about it. He owned me. And had done so for too bloody long. Tears pooled in my eyes, and when one spilled over and trickled down my cheek, I said, “Jedidiah Wilkins.”
Priscilla gasped. “Jed Wilkins. The priest’s son? But I don’t remember you going out with him?”
“We didn’t. It was just once.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I had no idea what we were doing. I know how naive that sounds. And believe me, I’ve gone over it a billion times. Jed and I were hiding down the back behind the church thrift shop.” I huffed. “We were trying to get out of singing in the Easter service. We started kissing, and I liked it. I remember thinking how amazing it was that Jed was even alone with me.”
I cringed at how stupid I sounded. “Anyway, before I knew what was happening, he had my skirt up over my hips and my pants down. I didn’t know what sex was. He obviously did. It’s ridiculous, I know. But Mom never spoke about sex. Ever. Not with me, anyway.”
Priscilla shook her head. “No, me neither.”
I could vividly recall having a cake of soap shoved in my mouth after trying to talk to Mom about a boy who’d asked me to the school dance.
A sob released from my throat, and Priscilla pulled me to her chest. “That stupid mistake ruined my whole life.” My throat burned as great racking sobs cut from my soul. I cried for that unborn baby. I cried for my lost youth.
But most of all, I cried for the children that I would never have. I’d cried about this many times, but today, sharing that grief with my sister made it all the more powerful. It was a long while until I stopped crying and pulled back.
Priscilla and I flicked away tears as we glanced into each other’s eyes.
“Why did Mom treat us so differently?”
I wiped the bottom of my nose with my fingers. “Maybe my abortion was so shocking that she couldn’t go through it again.”
“It must’ve been horrible?” Priscilla shook her head.
I tried to force my mind from that atrocity, but my thoughts slammed straight back there anyway. The memories were so strong it was like it had happened yesterday. . . the acrid smell of disinfectant that hit me the moment I’d entered that room. The cold that seeped into my bones the second they laid me on the metal table. The hideous sounds as they brutalized my body. And the excruciating pain that had me vomiting until I passed out.
“But it didn’t end there. What happened after that is just as bad. The lies. The secrets. Mother never wanted to talk about it. I had nobody to talk to.”
“I wish you’d talked to me.”
“I was forbidden to mention it. Ever.”
“Did you tell Nathan?”
I shook my head. “Only the four people in that room and, of course, Jed know I had an abortion.”
Priscilla’s shoulders sagged. “Mother brainwashed both of us.”
“She’s still doing it.”
“Next time I see her, I’m going to. . .” She didn’t finish her sentence. “When is she back?”
Priscilla was a hothead, but the fury in her eyes was beyond anything I’d seen before.
I touched her arm. “It’s not worth it. I’ve accepted my fault and my fate and moved on.”
“Oh, it’s going to be so worth it. She needs to be confronted about all these lies. She’s been on her high and mighty pedestal for too fucking long.” Priscilla’s clenched jaw and dark eyes told me that no amount of pleading would shift her from this impending confrontation.
“Okay then.” I clasped her hand in mine. “Make sure I’m with you.”
“Oh, I will.” Priscilla released my hand, and we leaned together, hugging each other tight. But it wasn’t like our normal hugs; this one was rock solid.
A sister pact with conviction.
We both took a deep breath and, as if on cue, we smiled. It was a cathartic release, lifting the heavy air that had filled the room.
“So, what’s your plan for today?” Priscilla asked, her tone softer now, more like the sister I knew and loved.
“I’m going to lunch with Henry.”
“Again? Wow, he’s really pulling out all the stops, isn’t he?”
I grinned. “He sure is. And I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.”
“Well, you deserve it, Roxie. You deserve to be happy.”
“Thanks, Pris.” I felt a warmth in my chest, a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a long time. It was nice to have my sister’s support, even if it came with a side of skepticism.