Best Mistake Ever

Chapter 13

13

BEATRICE

The journey back to Gladbrooke is painful.

I’m intensely aware that this might be the last time I ever see Jonah and it’s all I can do to hold back the hot tears that are threatening to spill out of my eyes.

We don’t talk, just sit quietly next to each other as the scenery flies by.

My whole body is jangly with tension and sadness.

I can’t believe I have to walk away from this now. From him. Especially as he’s just let himself be so vulnerable with me by telling me such personal things.

Sitting and listening to him by that river, I desperately wanted to put my arms around him and hold him close, to tell him he’s braver than he knows for battling on, despite the cruelty and setbacks he’s had to deal with. But I knew I couldn’t do that. It would have led to something I really shouldn’t be contemplating.

I’m intensely aware I’ve let things go too far. I should never have allowed him to confide in me like that, not when I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. He’s already experienced so much betrayal and if he finds out about our ruse now, it’s going to really hurt him.

How can I fix this? And is that even possible? Will he really believe that Dee is the woman he talked to so candidly by the river?

Hot shame rushes through me.

And if we do get away with it, what if Jonah and Dee get together once she comes back? How am I going to be able to act like I don’t mind? That I’m not attracted to him myself? How will I cope, seeing them together, wanting him to be with me instead? But of course, I’m being an idiot. He can’t ever know about me. It’ll be so obvious the moment he meets me that we’ve been tricking him.

Oh God. What have I done?

Too soon, we pull in through the gates to the estate and Jonah drives down the winding driveway and pulls into his usual space in the staff car park.

We both get out and walk to the back of the car.

Jonah clears his throat and I force myself to look at him.

He’s so gorgeous, with his strong jawline dusted with stubble and his dark, brooding features and my heart soars at the sight. In a frustrating counterpoint, there’s also a tightness in my chest that just won’t go away. I feel so connected to him now. There’s always been something there between us – something intense and exciting – I know that, even though I’ve been fighting it. I’ve felt so alive, being around him. Like he’s brought technicolour to my formerly monochrome life.

‘Well, feel free to head home,’ he says. ‘It’s been a crazy weekend and you deserve some rest. In fact, why don’t you take tomorrow off and I’ll see you the day after.’

My stomach lurches. I’m going to have to tell him more lies soon. ‘Oh, er, yes okay. I guess I could do that. Thanks.’

The sun is low in the sky now and we probably only have about half an hour till it sets.

It feels portentous.

So, this is how it ends.

I turn to go.

‘Actually, before you go, could I quickly show you the apple orchard?’ he says, as if he wants to delay me leaving.

I really should go, but the hope in his eyes is making it really difficult.

I can’t leave. Not this place. Not Jonah. Not yet.

I want to stretch out these last moments with him.

‘It’ll be good to show you the land around it, for the business proposal I’ll need to write for the loan. I’d like to get your thoughts on it. I’m excited about it. I think I’ll start writing it tonight.’

‘Umm—’ I hedge, at a total loss about what to do. I want to be able to help him, but I really should leave.

‘Please?’ he asks. ‘It’ll just take a couple of minutes.’

My resolve breaks. I can’t leave now. It would seem churlish.

‘Okay, sure,’ I say.

‘Let’s not walk that way though,’ he says as I start moving away from the house.

‘Past the lake, you mean?’

‘Exactly. I can barely look at the place now, which really sucks, because I’ve always loved it down there.’

I feel a rush of anger on his behalf. That bloody woman and her ego has a lot to answer for.

‘That’s such a shame. Are you really going to let that one memory stop you from going there again?’

‘It just feels wrong now. Tainted, or something.’

I badly want to do something to make him feel better about it all, but I’m not sure what. He clearly needs to purge this humiliation so he can get past it. It seems to be haunting him. Perhaps holding him back from moving on with his life.

‘Hey, you know what you should do?’ I say.

‘What?’ he asks a little warily, though there’s a flash of something bright and hopeful in his eyes.

‘You should make a new happy memory there.’

The brightness in his gaze intensifies.

‘What sort of thing did you have in mind?’ His voice is low and gruff now and the sound of it sends a shiver of awareness across my skin. My whole body seems to have come alive with lust. Heat coils in my stomach.

I try to squash it down, but it still lingers.

‘Er, I don’t know… you could go wild swimming there?’ I blurt.

‘We could go wild swimming?’ he says with meaning, like it’s an innuendo and it suddenly occurs to me what he’s suggesting. That the two of us go there and swim naked.

No, no, no. That’s a really bad idea.

‘I didn’t mean—’ I say quickly.

But he cuts me off. ‘Okay then. Let’s go swimming,’ he says, starting towards the lake, his pace picking up so I have to take two steps to his one.

‘Wait! I didn’t mean right now, with me!’ I pant, trying to keep up with him.

‘Why not? I’m in the mood for moving on today. You’ve inspired me.’

How can I argue with that?

I can’t squash his enthusiasm now.

And I’ll be doing it with him as a friend. Purely a friend.

It only takes another minute to get there and as soon as we’re standing on the bank, I see him start to undo the button at the top of his jeans.

I have a moment of panic. This is a terrible idea. Especially if I’m now going to have to watch him undress and reveal his amazing body and not be allowed to touch him.

‘It’s going to be freezing in there,’ I point out, perhaps a little late in the day.

‘No shit,’ he says with a grin.

My heart turns over at the glee in his expression and I see a flash of a younger Jonah before me. The person with all the hope and excitement of his future to come, before it all came crashing down around him and led to so much disappointment and shame.

I watch in stupefied fascination as he steps out of his jeans, revealing his long, muscular legs. My pulse begins to race at the sight and my heart nearly breaks through my chest when he grasps the hem of his t-shirt and whips it over his head. He clearly works out, and I swallow hard as I take in the lean muscles of his arms, then the six pack of his stomach, my gaze finally dropping to the defined V of his hips. Will his boxers be removed next? I wonder wildly.

But it seems that’s as unclothed as he’s willing to get, because he turns to look at me with an expression of impatient expectation, as if he’s wondering what my problem is with stripping to my underwear in front of him in the cool, spring air.

‘Come on. What are you waiting for? This was your idea, remember?’

‘I know, but I was thinking… maybe do it in the summer months when the water’s a bit more temperate?’ My voice comes out as a croak.

‘Don’t be a wimp. Where’s your sense of spirit gone?’

I wince at this and remind myself that if Dee was here, she probably would strip off and go swimming with him. She’s always been much more adventurous than me and I’ve often wished I had her daring. Perhaps now’s the time to see what that would feel like. To stop being the dull, practical Bea and go wild for a change. It could be fun.

And if Dee would do it, then so should I – just to stay in character, if nothing else.

‘Okay,’ I say, making up my mind. ‘Let’s do it. Cold water dips are supposed to be good for you, right?’

‘Right. You’ll feel totally euphoric afterwards,’ he says, with what looks suspiciously like a twinkle in his eye.

‘If I don’t have a heart attack first,’ I mutter.

‘You won’t,’ Jonah assures me.

The way his eyes have lit up with the challenge stokes a wave of pleasure inside me. I’m actually responsible for making him feel just a little bit better about himself right now. It’s an uplifting thought.

My mood wobbles though when I realise I’m going to have to take at least some of my clothes off in front of him. There’s no way I should get into the water in jeans, so I undo them and slide them down my legs, then step out of them. My t-shirt and my underwear stay firmly on though. Luckily, the hem is long and falls to mid-way down my thighs so my knickers aren’t on show.

This is so weird. I can’t believe I’ve just whipped my trousers off in front of my boss like this. But then, he stopped feeling like my boss a while ago. He’s just Jonah now. Hot, smart, handsome Jonah.

Ooohhh.

‘Okay. You first,’ he says, waving me forward, his face a mask of nonchalance.

My heart is thumping against my chest and I feel it reverberate in my throat. I’m actually a little bit scared about just how painful this is going to feel on my poor, delicate, un-acclimatised-to-cold skin.

Tentatively, I dip my foot into the water where it laps gently against the grassy bank. It’s very shallow where we’re going to enter the lake so it’ll take a while to wade out far enough to swim. If we get that far.

A shiver runs from my toes all the way up my leg and goosebumps prickle across my skin.

A low chuckle behind me makes me turn around and I see Jonah is watching me, his arms folded across his broad, bare chest and an amused grin playing on his lips.

I try not to fixate on the way his biceps bulge in a very distracting manner. He’s really broad across the shoulders and they too are well muscled. In all, he’s an exceptionally fine specimen of a human being.

Dragging my eyes away from him, I turn and face the lake again, digging my fingernails into my palms before lowering my foot fully into the water. I try not to squeal as it immediately turns into a block of ice.

‘You’re really going to do it, aren’t you?’ Jonah says with disbelief in his voice.

I have to, now he’s said that. I can’t chicken out now. Dee wouldn’t.

‘Yup. And so are you. That’s the deal.’

I put my other foot in, then bite my lip as I start to wade deeper into the water. I have no idea how I’m going to get to the point where I can bear to get to chest height, based on how numb my feet are already. This is torture.

I’m up to just below my knees when there’s the sound of splashing water behind me and a second later, I feel big drops of it hit the backs of my legs. This time, I do squeal and I spin around to see that Jonah has followed me into the lake, but is still right next to the bank. It seems he thinks it’s funny to splash me from this position and I cross my arms and glare at him.

‘Hey! No splashing!’ I shout.

He just laughs. The sound of it echoes around the lake. I can’t help but grin. It’s wonderful to see his face so alive with pleasure. Since the moment I met him, I’ve mostly seen him scowl. It’s amazing how much younger he looks now the grumpiness has lifted. And how much hotter.

Oh my goodness, I really need to get a grip.

Before I can start wading back to where he’s standing, he dips down and scoops up another handful of water.

‘Don’t you dare!’ I warn him, picking up my pace in an attempt to reach him before he has a chance to spray my front with icy droplets as well.

But I’m not fast enough.

He flings the water at me, splashing me all down my front. The water soaks into my t-shirt and I let out an ‘eek!’.

Giving a bark of laughter, he bends down, poised to do it again.

But I’m not having that. He doesn’t get to stay dry whilst soaking me with freezing lake water. So I bend down too, forming my hands into a scoop, then dipping them just below the surface. When they’re full of water, I fling it towards him, catching him right in the face and across the top of his bare shoulders.

He lets out his own surprised yelp at the shock of the cold against his skin, standing up and wiping the droplets from his chin, before turning a playful hard stare on me.

‘You’re going to regret that,’ he taunts me, but the teasing tone in his voice excites me rather than scares me. What’s he going to do? Try and dunk me into the water?

I’m ready for him if he does try that.

My competitive nature is back with a vengeance.

I take a defensive stance, crouching down with my feet planted wide and my hands in front of me, palms forward, fingers pointing down, ready to either deflect any advance he makes or to dip and scoop another handful of water to fling at him. My heart is racing with adrenaline, but it’s giving me a lovely, heady sort of feeling of joy. I’ve not played with someone like this since I was a kid. Since before my parents split up.

I realise I’m actually having fun. I’ve had to be the sensible one for so long, I’ve forgotten what that feels like.

And it feels wonderful.

Jonah narrows his eyes when he sees the determination on my face and mirrors my action.

It’s a stand-off. Who’s going to move first?

I jerk forwards in a feint, as if I’m going for the scoop-and-fling, but pull myself back at the last moment. He flinches in response, as if convinced I’m going straight for the offensive move, but when he realises I’m only teasing, he raises his eyebrows in challenge.

‘Hmm, you have spirit, young one. Prepare for battle,’ he goads me.

I laugh at the expression on his face. Now he’s dropped the grumpy act around me, his whole demeanour has taken on a much friendlier, more playful vibe. In fact, he seems like a completely different person. One I like even more, if that’s possible.

My body rushes with a tingly sort of excitement, which I try to squash. I’m only setting myself up for disappointment here. This thing between us is off limits to me.

A sinking feeling of shame returns. I think we’ve done a really stupid thing here, Dee and I. He’s never going to believe that the Dee that comes back is the same woman he’s spent the last week with. She acts so differently from me. I never should have stayed for the extra day. I was tempting fate. Why did I do it? Why?

I know why.

Of course I do.

I couldn’t bear to abandon him.

Because I’ve fallen for him.

‘Hey. Are you okay? I was only kidding around,’ Jonah says, and I realise I’ve been staring at him, probably with a deep frown on my face as my anxious thoughts raced away from me.

I don’t know what to say any more, so tear my gaze away, scoop up a big handful of water and throw it at him.

He takes it full in the face again and, clearly thinking I was only pretending to be stricken, he swats it out of his eyes before retaliating by using the flat of his hand to repeatedly fling big globs of water right back at me.

I hold up my hands in front of my face to deflect it and when it finally stops, I realise he’s moved closer to me, so that we’re standing only a couple of feet apart now.

He’s grinning at me, like he thinks he’s won.

Which he kind of has. He’s totally won me.

I want to cry. What a mess this situation is. How can I have fallen for the one person I’m not able to have?

‘Thanks, Dee. I’m starting to feel an awful lot better about being in this place now,’ he says, closing the gap between us so he can reach forward and push my sodden hair away from where it’s sticking to my face. ‘I don’t think I’ve enjoyed myself so much in years.’

There’s a strange, soft look in his eyes now as he gazes at me. He’s such a handsome man and there’s so much character in his face, I feel like I could look at it for ever and not get bored.

I can’t look away; I’m trapped by my attraction to him. It’s like a magnet pulling me in.

Heat radiates from his naked torso towards me and I shiver a little, but not with cold. With nerves. Because this feels like a significant moment. It’s make or break. Whatever happens next will change my life in a way I’m not prepared for.

He moves infinitesimally closer to me and my entire body rushes with an electric sort of need.

‘I have to tell you something,’ he says.

Oh God. I can feel the weight of what I think is coming bearing down on me.

The way he’s looking at me is giving me chills. Good chills, but also scary ones. Because I know he’s about to say something he really shouldn’t. I can’t let him. It wouldn’t be fair.

‘I think I’m falling for you.’

No.

No.

It’s the one thing I’ve been wanting to hear coming from his mouth since the first moment I saw him. But not like this. Not when he thinks I’m my sister.

I want to cry.

How did I let this happen? What an idiot I’ve been. Because I’ve fallen for him too, of course. Deeply. Totally.

But I can’t do this to him. How could I ever explain it without sounding like a crazy person? I’m a fraud. This whole situation is a lie. But I can never tell him that because it might destroy him all over again and I can’t bear the thought of being the person that does that to him.

‘I’m not…’

‘Not what? Not into this?’

‘No. That’s not what I?—’

‘Then what?’

‘I don’t know how to?—’

‘Is it because you’re working for me? That I’m technically your boss? Because we can fix that. I’ll step away from the running of the hotel and get Cara to manage things and I’ll concentrate on the cider making. It’s what I’m most interested in doing anyway. Or if you wanted, you could run it with me, as a partner. We could look into getting a business loan together?—’

‘No!’ I blurt, feeling all sense of control slipping away from me.

‘No, it’s not about that? Or no, you don’t want me to make cider for a living?’

‘Neither.’

‘Then what? What’s the problem? I feel like we have something good going on here. Did I imagine it?’

‘No. You didn’t imagine it.’

‘I knew it.’

But he doesn’t move; he’s waiting for me to make the first move this time.

But I can’t. I shouldn’t. I mustn’t.

But I do.

Some devilish instinct takes me over and I step forwards and press my mouth to his, sliding my hands into his hair and feeling our bodies meet, skin to damp skin.

And it’s so good. So right.

The feel of his mouth on mine is exquisite.

His lips part and instinctively, I slide my tongue against his, loving the taste of him.

Through my fog of lust, I’m aware of his hands gripping my hips and the press of his erection against my stomach.

Ohhh . I want more, so much more.

But I can’t have it.

It’s not mine to have.

This is everything I shouldn’t want right now.

But I do want it. So much I ache.

A sob works its way up from my chest, but I manage to suppress it at the last second before he can hear my distress. The effort of doing this brings me to my senses.

I have to stop this. And I have to tell him why.

‘Wait, Jonah, wait—’ I mutter against his mouth.

Reluctantly, he draws away from me. I can feel his entire body trembling with the effort to stop this going further. Just as mine is.

‘That was all you this time. You kissed me first,’ he points out, his breath coming quickly.

‘I know. It’s not… it’s just… I have to tell you something.’

I can’t believe I have to say this.

I screw my eyes shut.

‘I’m not Dee,’ I whisper.

Tentatively, I open my eyes and see complete confusion in his.

There’s a heavy silence while he tries to process what I’ve just said. His gaze roves my face, his brow pinched, as if he’s looking for the joke, waiting for the punchline.

‘What? What do you mean?’ He’s utterly baffled, understandably.

‘My name’s Beatrice. Bea. I’m Dee’s twin sister.’ I swallow, my throat dry with fear.

‘Sister,’ he says, but it’s not a question, it’s a statement of fact. Cold and to the point. Like he’s just put two and two together and all the inconsistencies he’s noticed without consciously realising are suddenly making sense to him.

‘Yes. We’re twins.’

‘You said that already. Identical, I’m guessing.’ Again, it’s not a question.

‘Yes.’ My heart is thumping so hard, it feels as though it might break out of my chest.

‘What the hell is going on? Why are you here and not Dee? What the—? This is surreal!’

‘I know, I’m sorry, I can explain. I’m, er, I was taking over for Dee for a few days because she hurt her ankle and couldn’t walk.’

‘What the fuck? Are you serious?’

He takes a couple of strides away from me, as if repelled by my words.

‘I know. I get that it must sound completely crazy. But she was terrified you’d fire her if she wasn’t able to do her job so I said I’d step in and help.’

‘By impersonating your sister.’

I swallow again. My throat feels like it’s been rubbed with sandpaper and I’m painfully aware of hot, panicky tears beginning to form in my eyes.

He’s angry. So angry, he’s trembling. His eyes are dark and full of distaste. Something I’ve not encountered before, from anyone.

It’s actually quite horrifying.

Icy dread sinks through me and my stomach rolls. Where has the playful, jokey Jonah gone?

‘I was just trying to help,’ I repeat weakly.

‘You lied to me.’ He folds his arms across his chest, his shoulders so tense now, I can see the cords of muscles moving under his skin.

‘Not deliberately. At least… I guess, yes. Okay, I did lie. But to help my sister out. Not to hurt you in any way.’

‘Yeah, well, you did hurt me. How am I supposed to believe anything you say now? You betrayed my trust. I told you things about me… really personal things. And all the time, you were pretending to be someone you’re not.’

‘I wasn’t. I’ve always been me. Just not the me you thought I was.’ It sounds completely lame when I say it, but I don’t care. I can’t bear the thought of him being angry with me.

‘That makes absolutely no sense and you know it.’

‘I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen.’

‘Really? Because it all sounds very well planned to me.’

‘No. It wasn’t like that. I promise you. I was trying to help.’

‘Trying to help yourself. Trying to get close to me and use me for all you could get. You and your bloody incompetent sister. Well, that’s the end of it. You’re fired.’ He shakes his head. ‘Dee’s fired and you’re trespassing. I want you off my property immediately and I never want to see you here again.’

‘Jonah, no. Please. Wait!’

But it’s no use. He’s already striding purposefully away from me, his back ramrod straight and his hands bunched into fists.

I stare after him, at a total loss about what to do. How can I possibly salvage this now? Not only have I hurt Jonah but I’ve also got Dee fired from the job she’s desperate to keep.

All because I couldn’t keep my feelings for Jonah in check.

What have I done?