Chapter 16
16
JONAH
After leaving Bea, I get a cab back to Gladbrooke and head straight for the lake. The scene of my humiliation.
Both times.
Flopping down onto the hard bank, I stare out across the water, my vision blurring as tears burn in my eyes.
What the fuck just happened?
I know I was still a bit pissed when I turned up to see her, but I don’t think that was the reason I gave in to her seduction so easily.
Truth is, I needed to have sex with her to put an end to the constant ache I’ve been feeling and it completely clouded my judgement. Stupidly, in the back of my mind, I think I believed it would rid me of those feelings. That once we’d banged, I’d get her out of my system.
But no.
I just want her even more now.
It was incredible, the connection I felt with her in those moments. Like the first deep drink of water when you’re parched.
But it scared the shit out of me too, which is why I had to get out of there right away. I know it was a fucking cruel way to behave and I’ll have really hurt her, but I had to do it. I needed to make it a clean break: something we couldn’t come back from. Because otherwise I know I’d be tempted to go back to her and I can’t do that. I have to protect myself.
I can’t get hurt again and go back to that dark place I was in a few months ago.
Except now I just feel raw and exposed, much more so than I did before because I know how good it can be with her. Why the hell did I let that happen? I’ve made everything a million times harder for myself. Because I really don’t want to care about her.
Ha. Too late, Jacobson.
And she said she loves me. But does she really? Or was she just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear? You see? How can I trust anything she tells me now?
I’ve learnt my lesson, after Tessa. If I find someone has lied to me, that’s it. Finito. No second chances. I’m not getting sideswiped like that again.
I have to be able to trust my partner and that ship’s well and truly sailed with Bea.
Time to move on. Even if the thought of it fills me with dread.
Can it only be yesterday that I was excited for the future for the first time in ages?
I suddenly feel so crushingly alone. Bea’s gone, my dad’s constantly abroad, my mum is in London and too busy to see me most of the time and my brother couldn’t give a shit about me.
When I was with Bea, I really thought I was with someone who truly wanted to be around me because she liked me. Me . Not because I have a famous father or a cool career that got me invited to all the best parties.
That she was a really genuine person who I could trust.
But it’s clear to me now that I really can’t.
Beatrice
Despite desperately hoping he’ll change his mind and come back to the flat, I don’t see or hear from Jonah again that day. Or the next.
Deep down, I know that if he was going to come back, he’d have done it by now.
So, I guess that’s it for us. It’s over as quickly as it started.
If only it didn’t feel like I’ve had a hole ripped in my chest and my heart removed.
I never thought it would be possible to fall in love with someone so quickly and so deeply, but I was wrong about that.
I wish to goodness I wasn’t.
I miss him. And I miss going to Gladbrooke. It had started to feel like a new life, one I could get excited about. One I wanted to hold onto and grow into. One I properly belonged in.
It had had real purpose and a clear, foreseeable future. Something my working life up till that point hadn’t had. As determined as I was to work with Jem and build our fledgling business, it had always felt a little nebulous. As if we were playing at being adults and business owners – not that we could even call ourselves that yet with the company in its infancy.
Needing to distract myself from thinking about Jonah, I have a quick shower, get dressed in my business clothes and go over to my flat-cum-office, glad of the change of scene. Once there, I make myself a strong coffee and open up my email, only to find a mail telling me Jem and I have been rejected for our funding application.
So that’s the end of that too.
In some ways, it’s a relief because I’ve had a nagging feeling recently that it wasn’t what I really wanted to do; I was just too afraid to admit it. Not just to Jem, but to my dad. Mostly to my dad, if I’m honest. I know he’s going to be really disappointed when I tell him the business is already dead in the water.
He’s always had such high hopes for me and I’m going to let him down.
Though, honestly, surprisingly, I find I don’t care about that as much as I care that I’ll never see Jonah again.
It had really felt like we connected, on such a deep, organic level.
That we’re meant to be together.
The whole of my being hurts at the thought that that can never happen now. I well and truly messed it up by trying to live Dee’s life for her.
Or maybe for me?
Huh. Yes, I think that might be it. I wanted a new direction, so I tried to steal hers.
I should have listened to Jem. He was right. I never should have got involved in this crazy plan of Dee’s.
But then I never would have met Jonah.
And I don’t regret the time I spent with him, not one bit, despite how I’m feeling now.
Better to have loved and lost, and all that.
Isn’t it?
I put my head in my hands and stare down at my keyboard.
What now though? For the first time in my life, I find myself with no idea about the next steps to take.
Jonah
It’s been nearly a week now, since I last saw Bea, and the heavy ache in my chest still hasn’t gone away.
I’ve been walking around the hotel in a complete daze, not really engaging with anything going on around me. Luckily, we’re quiet for bookings at the moment and Cara’s taken up the slack, stepping in for me after I told her I had some personal issues to deal with.
I know she’s probably guessed it’s to do with Dee, but I haven’t admitted to being duped by the ridiculous sister swap for fear of looking like a complete chump.
I’m probably projecting, but it seems like the whole atmosphere of the hotel has changed since Bea left though. It feels silent and devoid of warmth now. She really brought the place to life while she was here. And me too, of course.
Her passion and positivity inspired something in me, which now seems to be sadly lacking again.
I’ve lost my purpose, I guess.
I want it back.
And I want the excitement and momentum we got going for the project to return. But I can’t figure out a way to do that without her.
It’s funny, but it’s made me realise I was crazy to imagine things would ever have worked out here with Tessa. She was never going to be happy living and working at Gladbrooke, so far out of London and away from the celebrity scene she’s become so attached to.
And strangely, I find now that I really don’t care that she left. It was for the best.
One good thing about meeting Bea is that it’s made me recognise how little I actually liked spending time with Tessa when I was sober. It was all about the partying with her.
And thinking about her now, I realise I’m feeling… nothing.
She was never the right woman for me. I just imagined she fitted the rock-star persona I thought I wanted.
Whereas whenever I think about Bea, I get a weird heavy ache in my chest. Like part of me is missing.
I should probably just hand the place back to my dad for him to sell right away. I don’t want to run the place on my own.
And more to the point, I don’t want to do it without Bea.